With the World's most wanted man finally dead, I'd imagine the blogosphere is going crazy with conspiracy theories and celebatory pats on the back for a job well done. I imagine that because 1) I'm not dumb enough to even start reading it and 2) The blogosphere is still the stupidest goddamn name for anything ever.
Me, I'm aking things down a different route. I'm going to write about the Seinfeld porn movie. Why? Fuck you, that's why.
WARNING - if you hate me talking about Seinfeld or dissecting humour, then don't bother reading this. Nothing stops a joke from being funny than explaining the humour, and I'm going to do it a lot in here. I'm gonna try and make sure there's no titties or dicks in the pictures but they'll still be some of a NSFW nature so there's that
First up I want to bring up the fact that this movie is two and a half hours long. If you want to watch a porn movie for two and a half hours then this is the porn movie for you. This porn movie was literally made for you. If you enjoyed the TV show Seinfeld (as you probably should) then you should never want to see this.
The whole idea of these porn parodys is baffling. You don't want to watch characters you like fuck each other, especially when the people who are fucking don't look like them at all. If you do want to watch your favourite TV characters fucking then go to Deviantart or something. Artistically its the same and you'll be saving yourself a lot of time as well.
Right, first line that Jerry...wait, no. It's not Jerry Seinfeld. It's Gerry Seinfeld! Haha, yes! Parody laws allow this movie to exist by the name of Seinfeld, but none of the characters are allowed to have the same names! The movie has barely started and the joke is clearly on me!
Anyways, Gerry says "What's the deal with the -ography at the end of pornography?". That is literally the first line of the movie. We are 14 seconds into this 2 and a half hour long monstrosity and I already want to quit. He mentions -ography means "to study something" and gives geography as an example. He then brings up the point that it should maybe be called dickography. Haha! He means masturbation! Because he's studying his penis and not the porn! There is no hint of subtlety at all and he literally says these things! That is the opening 43 seconds. Zero laughs
Alright, so sometimes the actual Jerry stand up opening wasn't that great either. It can be funny sometimes, but a lot of the time it's not, which explains why they eventually stopped with the stand up opening and replaced it with a short skit involving some of the characters. It often doesn't have any relevance to the rest of the episode, it was just a funny scene they couldn't fit into an episode so they just throw it there. It's short, inconsequental and fun. The movie is only one of these things. On a related note my penis is two of those things, which makes it better than this movie
Jerry: ...And that's why you'll never see a three headed dildo
Elaine: Because of the space-time continium?
Jerry: Exactly! The government will never allow it to exist!
You remember those conversations in Seinfeld? The camera started rolling halfway through so you only got the back end of the conversation. The contents of the conversation were sometimes ridiculous, but they always followed through in a believable way. The above conversation in the movie could just be
Jerry: Stupid porn idea
Elaine: Monkey cheese?
Jerry: Purple dishwasher!
I can't wait to see who wrote this. Also as an FYI, Elaine is called Elena in this. I will be referring to her as Elaine because fuck the stupid parody name shit
One of the most popular episodes of Seinfeld is the Soup Nazi episode. For those of you who haven't saw the episode, a new soup kitchen opens up but the owner is very intense, to the point of intimidation. But the soup the guy makes is the best soup in the world, so everyone puts up with it, except Elaine because nobody is her boss and also because she's an awful person. Humour can be found from this situation.
I'm mentioning this because if you take "soup" from that episode and replace it with "porn" that is the story to this movie. He's a porn nazi. He is very intense about porn. The guy owns a porn store. This is a thing that happens. I will point out that the porn nazi is the character who most resembles his real show counterpart, which is sad when you consider the guy was in one fucking episode. He's played by Evan Stone
The porn nazi scares the customer ahead of them off, and Jerry asks Elaine how he looks. Her response is "What's the opposite of a man?" It's a child, Elaine. The opposite of a man is a child. In the show Elaine is the one who usually puts down other people in a jokey sort of way, since that is part of her character. It's introduced early on and it keeps happening so you accept it as one of her traits. Nothing she has ever said in the show is as bad as "What's the opposite of a man?" She might as well have said "Like a big stupid dumb face idiot with poo poo all over your face"
The rest of the scene is exactly like it went in the TV show. Jerry goes to the counter sheepishly, asks for some porn, gets some, and he backs off quickly. Elaine goes to the counter and makes small talk. Porn nazi says "NO PORN FOR YOU!" and she leaves. Haha! Catchphrase!
HECK YES A SLAP BASS OVER A SHOT OF SOME APARTMENTS WE'RE REALLY WATCHING SEINFELD NOW I AM NOT EVEN JOKING WHEN I SAY THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE
Cut to Jerry's apartment. He is watching the porn he just bought. Elaine starts complaining about not being able to buy porn, but Jerry is too busy watching porn to listen. This is comedy. Elaine starts watching it too and also comments on how good it is. "I know! I got hard just watching the FBI Warning!" replies Jerry, in something resembling a joke. There are no more lines since the two of them start having sex.
Oh God, I actually have to talk about porn now? Jerry is played by a dude called James Deen. He does not look like Jerry Seinfeld. Elaine is played by Kristina Rose, who does not look like Elaine Bennet. There's nothing wrong with either of them, so to speak. It's not porn from the 90's where you have an ugly dude like Ron Jeremy fucking some young girl. She isn't bad looking, but she isn't stunning either. I'd hate to think they got the parts for their acting ability because they just don't look the people they are playing.
One more thing before I skip the porn part entirely, since it's quite frankly boring and I'm not spending 2 and a half fucking hours watching people fuck. They first kiss on the Three Minutes Seventeen Seconds mark. The fade to black after the cumshot happens at the Twenty Eight Minutes Eighteen Seconds mark. That's a Twenty Five Minute fucking scene, which is nearly one fifth of the movie gone already.
MORE SLAP BASS FUCK YES and we have George and Jerry in the apartment. George is watching porn, as he is known to do, and who pops in but KRAMER! They even have the little audience cheer for him as he slides into the room that I always hated because the dude was racist. He's got a lot of porn videos in his hand, and then he drops them onto Jerry's floor. OH THAT KRAMER!
I may as well mention George looks more like Newman than anyone else, and still looks awful. Kramer has the hair and the clothes but not the face and, more importantly, the mannerisms. Kramer was the fucking king at his little nervous hand twitches or the perfect facial expressions in response to stuff. This Kramer is some dude saying wacky shit and thinking it's a wrap. Also, George is now known as Gorge (seriously) and is played by a dude named Steve Pomerants. Kramer is Crammer (hurr) and is played by Eric John
Kramer says the porn isn't good enough for him, George tells him to make porn with the porn nazi, which is course is a great idea for Kramer
Kramer: How hard can it be? You just need cameras, fluffers, a bed...
Jerry: Logic, reasoning, the ability to communicate a rational thought
During the entire show, Kramer would come up with a stupid idea and Jerry would shut him down, not unlike what I transcribed there. However, in the show Jerry would always put something into his delivery, whether it be straight deadpan or the high pitched "THIS IS STUPID YOU ARE STUPID" voice which was always great. The guy who plays Jerry in the movie knocks that line out as if he's reading it for the first time. Go ahead, read his line out loud. Congrats, you put more effort into it than this guy's monotone delivery of a line that is the most accurate writing the movie has so far.
Kramer leaves so Jerry and George start talking about Jerry's new girlfriend. I didn't pick up her name because fuck paying attention, but George refers to her as "The orgasm girl" You see, she has orgasms easily. WHO WANTS TO GUESS WHERE THIS JOKE IS HEADING!? This is actually pretty accurate writing, aside from the smut which is kind of needless. Just because it's a porn movie doesn't mean it has to be about sex all the time guys. Jeez!
Now, Jerry picking tiny faults in his girlfriends and discussing them with George is about as close to Seinfeld canon as you could get. His high standards and general pickiness about everything is a mainstay, and George's jealousy to this is as well. "You get the squirter, moaner, squirter, moaner! What do I get!? A fiancee!"
George: I bet you twenty dollars the Pope gets more pussy than me!
Jerry: The old Pope or the new Pope? Because the new one is a real German player. With a cool hat!
Just when I was congratulating this on it's accurate writing. Please note I'm not typing down all of the bad "jokes" in here, so I skipped the one about George's Mother finding his fleshlight despite the fact he's engaged and, if we are going to Seinfeld canon, would be living with his fiancee at the time. Anyways, the power went out and his mother went for a flashlight and ended up with George's fleshlight. Oh the humanity!
Jerry's girlfriend comes in, and her name is Regina but he pronounces it like Vagina which is just fucking stupid. She then has an orgasm while talking to George, except she stops when George responds. She then leaves. I'll actually talk about her some more when her sex scene happens, since she is the first of two legit good looking women in the movie.
MORE BASS LINE SHIT YES and we're back at the porn store. The porn nazi is fighting with his assistant, who storms off after he says "NO PORN FOR YOU!" to her and then fires her. If you think it's funny now just wait, it gets funnier the more times he says it! Elaine tries to buy some more porn, porn nazi recognises her, she lies about it and he says his catchphrase again. His assistant then catches her attention and brings her into the side room of the store somehow, since it's right next to the porn nazi and there is no way she could walk in there without him seeing her.
His assistant asks Elaine if she wants to get back at the porn nazi, her response is "Yes! It's like he's untouchable. You know, like that movie. About Al Capone" His assistant says she can give Elaine his distributor number and then they have sex. Cool. Porn nazi's assistant is played by London Keys, an asian and so the internet says I'm meant to find her extremely attractive. Yellow fever y'all! Again skipping the sex because it's boring, but first kiss is at Thirty Two Minutes Twelve Seconds and the scene ends at Fourty Nine Minutes Fourty Seven Seconds. You start to realise now the movie is so long because the sex scenes are just needlessly long.
SLAP DAT BASS and Kramer is at a picnic site for some reason. The camera zooms out and he's actually on a porn set! Oh that Kramer! Two women are on a picnic table kissing and he does a double take. One of them I recognise as Sasha Grey, due to her being in the fucking awful Season 7 of Entourage. The other girl is Sadie West, I think. The two women have sex for a bit then the cameraman tells Kramer to get in there. He protests saying he's not the actor but does it anyways after looking straight into the camera and giving the worst "Giddyup!" I've ever heard. I have no idea how long the scene goes on for, and fuck trying to find out either, I'm sick of this shit.
MORE SLAP BASS I'M REALLY ENJOYING THE SLAP BASS HERE and we're back in Jerry's apartment. Kramer has a bed in the middle of it when Jerry walks in. You can pretty much come up with what happens next. Jerry is shocked and angry, Kramer ignores him. George walks out in a robe which causes Jerry to leave. George's fiancee Suzanne walks out in lingerie, who has this unfortunate condition of looking young in a close up but really old from a distance. I wonder if that is contagious? Kramer calls in a dude called Buck, George gets upset that this Buck character is going to fuck his fiancee. This next conversation is word for fucking word
Suzanne: Come on Gorge
Gorge: Fine, but Gorge isn't happy! *Gorge leaves* SERENITY NOW!
The scene goes on for about 19 minutes, and it would be really difficult to find it a turn on since the dude has bigger tits than the woman
I GET MORE SLAP BASS and cut back to Jerry's apartment with the bed gone and everything back in place. Jerry and Regina are on the couch watching TV. She has an orgasm while watching the news and this is the straw which breaks the camel's back for Jerry. Jerry starts listing the names of everywhere she has an orgasm while she walks off, with the last one he shouts being "Ground Zero". It's not very funny. Newman then comes in, who is called Noman for whatever reason and he looks like a fucking goon, he takes the tape Kramer filmed and then leaves. Fucking pointless.
Next scene is Newman and Regina at the porn nazi's store for some unexplainable reason. His assistant who he literally fired earlier on is still there too. I don't think the movie understands what continuity is. Newman still has Kramer's porn on him for some reason, and when the porn nazi asks what it is he drops it and runs away. Regina and the porn nazi then have sex. Regina is played by Ashlynn Brooke who, to be fair, is a stone cold hottie. This scene lasts about 20 minutes and, aside from an attractive woman getting fucked by a person everyone calls a nazi, it's pretty boring.
SLAP BASS and we're back at the porn store. Jerry and Kramer are standing in line when Kramer notices his porn movie being played on the TV. Newman and Regina walk out of the back room with the porn nazi. Kramer tells him he was meant to give the video to George and not sell it to the porn nazi. Newman and Regina leave, George and Suzanne walks in. they get upset about the porn movie being played and they argue except the editing makes it look really bad. The porn nazi then kicks them all out. Elaine decides she is in this movie again and saunters up to the counter. She starts naming off the movies his distributor gave him. He asks her what she wants, she replies that he's through. Just like in he episode with the soup nazi! Except in the episode Elaine ends up with all his recipies and puts it out there for anyone to make. In the movie she names names some porn titles. The end!
I'm serious, the movie cuts away to Jerry back on stage for his stand up routine to end things. First line is "What's the deal with fake boobs!?" and I'm so fucking glad this movie is over now. He keeps talking about fake tits and ends with "WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT!?" Then this girl named Sandra appears from nowhere, says "Are you talking about these?" while taking her coat off and the last 20 minutes is these two having sex on stage. Sandra is Cassandra Calogera if you remotely give a shit.
Now the only thing we need to know is who wrote this monstrosity. Wait a minute! Noooooooooooooooooo how could you!? No wonder he was kicked off the show when they went to college, the prick!
