Right, I got through the first 7 minutes of the first episode of Geordie Shore. Now it's time for the next 36 minutes of the first episode. I do this because I hate myself and you should hate me too
First up, Jay enters the house and meets Vicky. The first things they compliment each other on is how good looking each other are, and then Vicky asks if he wants a hand carrying his stuff in. Chivalry is apparently a few too many for Geprdie Shore. "The minute I saw Jay I thought 'Wow'" explains Vicky. My reaction upon seeing Jay was also "Wow" but I followed it up with "What a twat" although I don't think that's what Vicky was going for "I've only been in the house for 5 seconds and Vicky is already offering is (me) a drink - proper Geordie bird" says Jay, little realising it's called Geordie Shore and the house will be full of Geordies
Next up is Charloote (I think, I still haven't got their names down) driving to the Geordie Shore and she says "I'm sweating so much that I've got sweat marks, and I've got fake tan on so it's going to leave sweat marks under my dress and when I go in I think everyone will think I'm a sweaty minger" We cut back to Vicky and Jay flirting "I got him a drink, I got him to have a look at is (me) now all I need is to get him into my bedroom" says Vicky, after having just met Jay for the first time minutes ago. "I'm keeping my options open for a stunner coming in. If they are all mingers I'm gonna grab Vicky and take her into my room" Jay says, right after taking a bed because "It's closest to the wardrobe"
James enters the house and SHOCK OF ALL SHOCKS! he already knows Jay and Vicky! "I met Vicky at a house party before and I already banged one of her mates" he explains, giving the intricate backstory to this already woven web of mystery. Jay says since he was first in the house he is the king, and declares James to be a Prince. "Prince is good like, Prince is good!" he says, but before everyone starts singing Purple Rain he follows up with "Prince Harry gets all the fanny!" and everyone laughs. Except me
Greg then talks about something but honestly, he speaks far too fucking fast and I can't understand a word he says. Charlotte enters the house next and says "I was proper shitting myself. Proper. Shitting. Myself. What if they were nasty to is (me)?" which I think would take precedence over her sweaty marks. She doesn't know anyone else so far, although she seems to be a bit taken with James "I dunno though, he might be a nod head...although that might jut turn is (me) on even more" she then says. I'm glad it's me watching this and not one of the woman hating nerds who...wait, no, it doesn't matter
Gary enters the house next and he knows Vicky. It seems like everyone knows Vicky. I don't know Vicky, even though I'm a buff as fuck. What the heck, Vicky!? Haha then Sophie walks in, Vicky's tone turns to really bitchy and James comments "First impression - didn't really fancy her" Jay's is even better "Lovely girl, but I don't want her in my room". Gary shows Sophie to her room and his face tells us all what he thinks of her. "Geordie Shore - my kind of house, my kind of people. Let's fucking roll!" Sophie says, unaware everyone else has already decided they don't like her
Gary and James are standing at the hot tub when Jay looks out of the window upstairs "If the next one in is a lad he's gannin (going) in your room so we get the birds in ours" James says, causing Jay and me to laugh "You can fuck right off!" is his response. Honestly, if the show was just following these three as they bro it up it would still be shit, but at least it would be watchable shit. Greg walks in, and before he even puts his suitcase down everyone is getting him a shot. "It's the Geordie law, you got to have a tan. No Geordie walks around like they are a ghost" says James, forgetting that since we border Scotland we get essentially no fucking sun so everyone uses fake tan. Fuck you James, I hope Jay roid rages and bums you while you sleep
Gary James and Jay are back outside talking about getting with Vicky, who seems to b everyone's favourite. As they are saying this she'stalking to Greg in his room. "Hey man, whoever bangs her, bangs her" says Gary. "I think I'm bringing my A game to flirt with Greg. He's avsolutely adorable, I might be head over heels for him already" says Vicky, who has a different favourite. This whole show is taking a turn for the Shakespeare-esque, although if this is one of his comedies I'm gonna be fucking pissed. It has to be a tragedy or else this entire thing will be worthless.
Everyone is then sitting around talking about the last person to get in "I think she might be blonde" says Sophie, showing everyone who they hate her "Nah, she'll have massive tits" says Greg, who probably read the script before he got there. Sophie has already got drunk off jagerbombs for reasons I'm not really sure of and gets into the hot tub wearing a dress like a fucking moron. "They're proper mortal (drunk) and I've got to live with them" James says in despair. "That person (Sophie) is the most annoying fucking person I've ever met in my life" says Gary. In his defence she is a fucking idiot
"I saw the tits walking in, five minutes later her face walked in and I said 'Vicky, get your stuff - you're in with me'" Jay remarks as Holly, the last girl, makes her entrance. It's hilarious since as Holly walks in, Vicky jumps up and runs away from her just to get her stuff into Jay's room. "Mission accomplished - I dodged the minger and I got the stunner in my room. Bring it on!" Jay says triumphantly
"The birds have only been in the house an hour and they're a mess" James points out. Sophie runs around, soaking wet, trying to hug everyone. James runs away from her, Vicky tells her to fuck off "She's a fucking gobshite and she's doing my head in already" Holly admits she's from Middlsborough, and so everyone calls her a "fake Geordie" "If you're from Middlesborough you might as well be from fucking Mars" Jay comments. Alright, I'll admit it - I hated him at first but the guy is growing on me. "I am from Middlesborough but I see myself as a true Geordie, as it's more of a lifestyle. You go out, get pissed, don't give a shit what people think about you" Holly says in a pathetic attempt to defend herself
Sophie then lies down in the bathroom for no fucking reason but it looks like she's pissed herself. Sophie then throws up in the toilet as Holly holds her hair back for her. Jay and Gary find "the shag pad" and they promise to keep it a secret from the others "I can bring a bird straight in and Vicky wouldn't know about it" muses Jay, the man with the plan. Sadly, Vicky is spending most of her time with Greg and they are getting touchy feely. "I'm keeping my options open, but Vicky is a little bit special" Greg says, although I'd hate to see how special he thinks Sophie is
"Any Geordie knows - if the top is coming off you need to get your pump on like" says James, as he Greg and Gary are all in one bedroom working out. "They are canny lads, but not the people I'd go out with at all" comments Greg. Holly touches Gary's abs "Oh My God! It's harder than my tit!" she screams. Either she has never felt a six pack before or she has had some plastic surgery done. Holly then starts laughing that Charlotte and Sophie are already passed out drunk and it's only 9 o clock. Everyone who is still awake piles into the hot tub, where Holly tells them all she has a boyfriend
"He must be mad to let a girl with tits like that in here with four muscley good looking blokes" James says, probably saying more about himself than he is about Holly's boyfriend. When asked what she told her boyfriend before she went into Geordie Shore, she replied "I told him I was gonna have a good time for a couple of weeks. Jesus. "I feel so sorry for her boyfriend right now" Vicky says, proving why she is everone's favourite. "I'd lke to meet him, see what he's like because if she wasmy lass doing that there would be hell on" says Jay in the soundbite as he drinks a bottle of beer from between Holly's tits. "Am I getting my tits out like?" Holly then screams in the hot tub. All the guys says yes. "Shit man, I'm not getting involved" Vicky says as she backs out of camera shot. We all know Holly gets them out, and the guys pour drinks onto them. A bit wasteful since they are in a hot tub, but whatever, it's Geordie Shore, baby!
"I don't think they (the other guys in Geordie Shore) would be happy with their birds doing that, but it's our relationship and thats why it works so well" Holly later explains about getting her tits out for strangers she has just met. "I just can't get my head around it" Vicky explains "Hey boyfriend says it would be ok for her to do everything but bang someone?" "If you jumped in bed with me, that would be alright?" asks Jay, getting a yes in response "But if I stuck my cock up you, that wouldn't be alright?" he continues, getting a no in response. "My boyfriend is secrure so it's alright" Holly says, although she never mentions what exactly he's secure in. "I've never been to Middlesborough in my life but now I'm definitely not going to go" comments Vicky
Holly then storms out "Who the fuck does she (Vicky) think she is? She doesn't know me, she doesn't knowmy boyfriend, it's our relationship, nobody elses" This after all the guys were saying "You wouldn't do that if you weremy girlfriend" and Vicky just being more shocked than anything else. Vicky goes to make things right, and finds Holly crying in the shower. "Holly, you are lovely, we all adore you and if that's what you want to do then me and the lads will be behind you 110%" Vicky says to her face "She is not real right now. She is irritating the hell out of me" she says to the camera away from Holly.
Since the two drunk girls have taken a room together, Gary and Holly share a room. And a bed. Jay and Vicky go into their room and Vicky goes off on Jay for looking to Holly's tits. He counters by saying she spent most of the night cuddling up to Greg. Their next conversation gets subtitles because they are whispering but they end up kissing. Awww! We go back to Gary and Holly, where Holly goes down on Gary beneath the blankets
Next morning some blonde woman enters the house and wakes everyone up "From out the blue, some woman's turned up in our party house" complains Gaz, not realising there are 4 other women in the party house. Ends up she is the boss, and what she says goes. She gets them all to do promotions and other stuff, although it'sapparently all in clubs so it's just an excuse for them to gan oot on the toon (go out on the town) Sophie then apologises for being an idiot, a bit too late for anyone to care. Holly calls her boyfriend and says she got hammered and didn't remember what happened last night. THE PERFECT CRIME! She did tell him she got her tits out in the hot tub. "I don't think I did anything last night that my boyfriend wouldn't be hapy about" Holly says, and I swear to God there was an awkward pause there that lasted about 3 seconds. Magical
Gary Jay and James go to the gym and work out together. The no homo is implied by the fact they are all bros, and honestly, I like the three of them broing it up. Greg is there too, but he'sworking out away from the three of them. "I went with them to hang out, but they just did their own thing" Greg explains as the other three start fantasising about what they'll do tonight. Greg leaves, saying he's the "outsider" and the three of them make fun of him because they work out a lot more than he does and they have a tan "Howay, he'll have a 1 pack and I'll have a 19 pack" Gary jokes
"I hate lads who talk about the gym all the time, it's boring. To be honest I'm thinking about leaving" says Greg, succesfully turning into the most sympathetic character on the show. He feels left out because he doesn't "Talk about the gym or their hair or how good they look all the time" even though he is easily the most well balanced one out the four of them. If you aren't already writing Greg/Vicky fanfiction then get the fuck off this blog right now
So, while the three bros work out at the gym, what does Greg do? He sits down with Vicky and Charlotte and goes on about how he wants to leave. So not only do I think he's sympathetic, all the girls do as well. "He's got far more interesting things to say, they just don't care" Vicky says, continuing to say "I know exactly how he feels, and I don't want him to go. If he does, then why should I stay?" We then get this fucking obvious manipulation attempt to make us feel even more sympathy for Greg "He misses his family, he misses his friends. He just wants to be himself" Vicky says, and she then starts crying. Oh man, Greg's done it. He's won Vicky. Jay is gonna be piiiiiised!
It's night now, and they all have to get ready for their job. All the girls but Charlotte are less than impressed with what they have to wear. "We're gonna look like we ran into Primark covered in superglue. I'm gonna look like a fat Bigg Market slag! They can fuck right off!" Vicky rages. Man, she is getting a lot of screen time here. Meanwhile, the guys seem to be a lot happier with their uniform. Eventually, the guys and the girls go to work, except Greg, who goes to bed. Bless him! Of course, the guys couldn't give a shit he wasn't there but the girls oooh and aaah that he's feeling a bit down
So, the job for tonight is to get as many people into a party as they possibly can. "We got to the Gate and it was a proper cockfest. Full of charvers and ugly lads" complains James. "We were just looking to grab the lads, get them onto the bus, just host the fuck out of the situation" says Vicky. Hosting the fuck out of a situation is now entering my vocabulary. They all pile people on, including Jay getting busy with a blonde, and Charlotte spills a drink onto Gary. They flirt a bit and Charlotte admits she fancies Gary. Not to him, of course, but you know.
First job - done! Their boss is happy, so they all go home. The doorbell rings, and some women enter! Sophie isn't happy "These fucking stinkers walk into my house!?" she says, but the guys seem to enjoy them being there. The women are in the kitchen unhappy that these women are there, but Gary and Jay get them up to the secret shag pad the women realises. Until they all see them through the windows. Jay then leaves, saying "He waspissed enough to neck with them, but that's it" Gary then fucks both of them, although Vicky is annoyed at Jay for going with them in the first place
Gary realises that people know about the "shag pad" so he tidies it up in the morning before everyone else wakes up. Greg agrees to go to lunch with Vicky as the big decider of whether he stays or goes. "The thing with Greg, he's got that sensitive side, he's a little mysterious. He had the little wounded bird thing on which had is bubbling. He's got is wrapped around his little finger, like" Vicky says, just in case you couldn't understand what was going on here. Greg, of course, decides to stay. Hurray!
They all go out on the town, and Gary tells Jay he'll "Take one for the team" and get Charlotte tonight, leaving the "shag pad" for whoever Jay wants. "Good man" Jay says. Two bros discussing their sleeping arrangements on the fly. Gary hits on Charlotte, and the girls take a meeting to discuss her strategy. The strategy talk goes well for Gary. Greg gets some girls number and everyone celebrates. Then he keeps getting more numbers and he's starting to feel like "heself" again. Good for you Greg
"I wasn't going to go back with him, honestly" Charlotte says about Gary "But I couldn't find anyone better". A likely story, considering Greg still exists. Their talk in the car is a bit aggressive but both seem happy enough with it. Holly starts crying because she feels like "an outcast" - everyone else is picking people up and she has a boyfriend. Seriously lady? Back at the house, Gary and Charlotte go into the "shag pad". Thats it. James is getting it on with some girl in the club, and then he starts a fight with the guy next to him. Bouncer seperate them, but Greg dives in and punches the dude. It happens so fast I can't screencap it, but James is impressed with him for it. Greg finished the episode off by saying "We're all one big happy family now". Yes, the episode ends with implied incest. You wouldn't expect anything less from this lot
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