It is a fairly sad realisation when you say Geordie Shore was the best reality TV show. But in my case, it's true. Made in Chelsea was a half real half fake completely boring monstrosity - the characters played themselves but everything was scripted so they weren't actually themselves. The Only Way In Essex was just confusing - everything on the show was scripted, but everything outside the show they did was real. You'd have newspapers reporting break ups and people fighting and it would be real, then they would solve their issues on TV and it would be completely scripted
At least Geordie Shore was real. It was eight people in a house together for a few weeks, and they all seemed to fucking hate each other. There is nothing realer than that. Now we have a new contender to the reality TV throne - Desperate Scousewives. Besides having probably the best name, what seperates it from the other shows? Lets find out
"Liverpool. The pool of life. Center of the universe, no contest" says the voiceover. "Why live anywhere else when you have it all here? The amazing buildings, the brilliant shops, the coolest nightlife and music. We invented that, you know? We all have scouser written all the waythrough us - we're loud and we're proud. It must be something they put in the water. The Mersey, that is!"
Alright, lets take a break here. First up, Liverpool is not the center of the universe. There is no scientific proof in existence big enough for me to accept that. Next, every city in the fucking world has amazing buildings and brilliant shops and the coolest nightlife. Anyone from any city will say that about their own city. Also Liverpool did not invent music. I cannot stress this enough. Yes, you have the Beatles. Yes, they are a good band. No, you did not invent music. Also if you are drinking water from the river Mersey then you have more serious problems then "lying about your hometown"
The voiceover continues "Home to the most gorgeous girls, like ice queen Amanda. She's always in the papers looking glam" What papers? Why do I have no idea who she is? What does she do other than be an ice queen, which isn't enough of a celeb factor to be in the paper? "Or Chloe, a nurse with a big heart, big hair and even bigger dreams" I have a horrible feeling the next few minutes of the show are going to be an introduction to the characters and there's going to be fucking loads of them
Next we have Elissa since I'm sick of transcribing the fucking narrator. She is a "dead smart writer" and has a broken heart but kind of looks like an older more orange Minka Kelly, so she is my favourite. Next we have the "barbie doll sisters" Gill and Debbie, who are introduced as looking for a fella. We also meet their "bezzie mates" Chris and Mark. Does each girl have one of them as their best mate? They are apparently married, so at least we got something good from the show. If they can at least portray the married gay couple as something resembling "normal" or, failing that, "happy" then that could be a step forward for gay rights
This is Layla. The narrator says nothing about her other than her name. Cool, things like personality aren't important anyways for a FUCKING TV SHOW. Now the women and gays are out the way (seriously, I'm not even kidding. The narrator says "What are the women without the fellas?" Gay people count as women now. Remember what I said about moving gay rights forward? What a fucking idiot I am) we meet Danny. And Joe. And George. And Jaiden, who unlike the other guys gets a description from the narrator. Sadly for everyone who is alive right now, his description is "Blogger" I am fucking serious. There is going to be drama in this show about something a blogger said. Fuck my fucking life
Lastly we get the narrator herself, who is called Jodie. She is back, apparently. Back from where? Not said. Probably some other part of the universe that isn't the center. She stands outside a train station and shouts "LIVERPOOL, I'M BACK!" a man off camera shouts back "Give is a kiss then!" and Jodie tells him to "shut up" I think this is an attempt at humour guys. If this is an example of witty banter that is going to be on display here then I am definitely not going to enjoy this
"This is Liverpool, and these are very real stories" Jodie goes on to say. YOU ARE FUCKING HALF RIGHT! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT ANYTHING ON THIS SHOW OUTSIDE OF THE FACT IT'S IN LIVERPOOL. I AM LESS THAN TWO MINUTES INTO THIS AND I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS ENTIRE FUCKING THING IS SCRIPTED! DO NOT FUCKING LIE TO ME TELEVISION, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF YOUR SHIT
"It's the date we've all been waiting for, it's the Style Awards" says the voice over "The biggest event on the scouse calendars" Maybe Liverpool is the center of the universe if they have their own seperate calendars? We cut away to Jodie complaining about people in London "They'd look at me like 'What are you wearing!?' Lady Gaga in London! I get to Liverpool and nobody bats an eyelid!" First up lady, you just compared yourself to Lady Gaga. At this point, not even Lady Gaga can do that. Second of all, explicitly pointing out the North/South divide is not a good move for a show that revolves around stupid people living a life of no consequences. This continues when she says scouse guys are better than the guys in London in every single way
"I'm back from London now, I'm ready to take over, I'm going to smash it and I've got a really good feeling!" she then says. JESUS! In around 3 sentences we've been transported to a fucking mafia movie. I hope it ends like Scarface. We cut away to a dude in the shower. Hope you people like butts! We then go to Layla who sends a text saying she slept at Joe's again and that the person she is sending a text to needs to cover for her. What is more interesting, however, is the fact it looks like she slept in the kitchen. The center of the universe is fucking weird. Joe walks in (it was him in the shower?) and says "You still here?" in the most nonchalant way imaginable. You go, little scouse Barney Stinson! They argue for a bit and it's fucking boring. Layla has a weird accent, it occasionly sounds scouse but most of the time it doesn't
Let's mention the accent. In Geordie Shore the accents didn't bother me, mostly because I've lived around it my whole life. The scouse accent also does not bother me in the least. I know people who find it annoying, but it doesn't phase me in the least. I can imagine it getting a bit overwhelming in this situation, but Layla's is just fucking terrible. For reference, Made in Chelsea's accent was RP English, which once you get past how much of a twat people sound like that when talking normally isn't too bad, and The Only Way Is Essex is the essex accent, and if terrorists blew up Essex and everyone who spoke with that accent they would become heroes
Next we get Amanda and Chloe walking through Liverpool with rollers in their hair. Whatever. I don't like Amanda being a "local celeb" when they could at least say why she is a local celeb. "Celeb's mate" is also not a description of anything, especially when you have the infinitely more respectable "nurse" right in front of it. But I guess if you aren't teaching kids that being things like nurses is just a stop gap until you become famous then you aren't being responsible
Some people come up to Amanda and ask for their picture taken with her. WHY!? WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO DESERVE THIS!? ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT THESE CHARACTERS FUCKING DO! I get that making Amanda seem like a big deal is important, but you show her being a big deal but not why she is a big deal! As they walk away both Chloe and Amanda say "That was funny" except they are a second off so it seems more like one of them forgot their lines rather than it seemingly realistic and spontaneous. Chloe and Amanda talk about the Style Awards, except they spend most of their time corpsing rather than actually saying their lines. Here, Amanda was saying she didn't win an award for "Most Stylish Woman" and it's not really something she should be laughing about. This is what happens when you get untrained actors who just want to be on TV to be a main character in your fake reality show. This is also what happens when you get a grumpy shithead like me to watch it
Amanda then goes on about how great it is to get things for free because she's famous. Fuck her. We then go to Gill and Debbie, who sleep together. Can we stay with these two for a while? "I'd rather share a bed with you then any man" one of them says. BOM CHIKA WAH WAH "We're both single and ready to mingle!" the other one says. The bass from Seinfeld is going crazy in my mind as I'm watching this. We then get Layla leaving Joe's place and she is talking about how she can't believe she is back to this position again and the camera pulls away and she is talking to herself. What!? SHE IS TALKING TO THE CAMERA NOW AND THE CAMERA PULLS AWAY AND SHE IS STANDING AT THE SIDE OF A ROAD AND IT CUTS BETWEEN HER TALKING TO THE CAMERA AND THIS AND WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?
We cut away to Elissa, who looks a lot less like Minka Kelly so I no longer give a shit about her. Her first words are "So how is your blog going?" and I jump straight to fucking despising her. Jaiden is here too and his response is "Yeah it's going good" It's a fucking sad day in my shitty existence when "blogger" is a fucking job title, you tremendous twat. "I'm Britain's most brutal blogger" he says and you know what? Fuck this scene. I've had issues with bloggers on these shows in the past and I refuse to pay attention to scenes with them in. Bloggers are the fucking worst people alive and if Hitler had went after them rather than the Jews then Germany would be the center of the universe rather than Liverpool. "I'm not too mean, I'm just opinionated and if they don't like it then they can just get over it" he then says. I will pay someone money if they murder Jaiden
They drive past Joe's place that Layla is still standing outside talking to herself, and they bring up the fact Elissa is Joe's ex. Is this drama I see on the horizon of the blogosphere!? Joe and Adam are playing football, Danny then enters stage left, and they argue because he was late. "What is more important, birds or football?" one of them says, then some women run onto the pitch with a football and they ogle them for a while. Thats it. Thats the entire fucking scene. We go to a beauty salon next, where Jodie has a job interview with the gay married couple. The first thing Jodie says at her job interview is "I know this is all about me but..." and my mind screams out of reflex. She then tries to organise her time off at a job interview. She will probably get the job because none of this is real!
Amanda and Chloe are now at the location of the Style Awards with Louise, a character just introduced now. Why do all of these shows have such a large cast of characters who all look fucking identical? Chloe has fake tan all over one of her hands, so she pours bleach on them to clean them. We then go to Elissa and Jaiden, at a coffee shop, talking about his blog. Fuck you! Not even him slagging off Amanda for thinking she's a celeb when nobody outside of Liverpool knows who she is can save this scene. A fucking blog is not a tool for plot progression!
Joe Adam and Danny are talking about Layla, because that is fucking boring and that is clearly the most important thing. Layla then walks in with Danny's ex called Sam, so Joe and Danny hide while Adam talks to them as a distraction so they can slip away. These people are adults. Back at the job interview, Jodie talks about "the scouser eyebrow" which I pray is not a euphamism. Back at Joe Adam and Danny, the two sisters appear whose names I've already forgot come in. The guys invite them to go with them and they say yes. You can tell these shows are scripted because everyone knows each other somehow. Back at the job interview we see the "Scouse Eyebrow" and I wish it was a euphamism. She gets the job anyways because fuck!
Jodie then talks to the camera, probably in an effort to show that this is real. Geordie Shore used the one person talking to the camera trick because they were completely honest to the camera. If something stupid was going on, they would act one way but be completely different to the solo camera. Here, they just talk to the camera to reinforce what has just happened. Like here, Jodie says she got the job and she is really happy. We know lady! We just fucking saw that! You don't need to tell us about something we just saw!
Chloe looks at Amanda's calendar. Yes, she has a calendar. I fucking knew the center of the universe has a different calendar! Chloe asks how many pages a calendar has and Amanda laughs. Hahaha, the nurse is an idiot! She is so much stupider than the model! Take that, nurses! Amanda goes onabout how she worked for years for no money just to make it as a model, and we then get the bombshell that Amanda has a kid. WHY HAVEN'T WE SEEN HER WITH HER BABY!? WHY IS SHE WORKING FOR FREE FOR YEARS WHEN SHE HAS A CHILD TO SUPPORT!? ARE WE MEANT TO SYMPATHIZE WITH HER!? AAAAAAAAAAAAA
"They see me glammed up going to parties but they don't see the other side of me. Going for school runs, making her tea, helping with her homework" THAT'S BECAUSE THE SHOW DOESN'T SHOW THIS! IF IT DID THEN THAT WOULD DO FUCKING WONDERS FOR YOUR CHARACTER! PEOPLE WOULD ROOT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING IT ALL FOR YOUR KID! INSTEAD WE JUST SEE YOU GO TO PARTIES AND GOING SHOPPING AND TALKING ABOUT YOUR KID! THIS IS SOME FUCKING GREAT GATSBY SHIT HERE!
Jaiden goes to pick up Elissa for the Style Awards "I just read on twitter that Amanda is presenting an award" he says. If someone finds his twitter account I will troll him and his shitty fucking blog, if it even exists. This I promise you. "I can't wait for the blogging and the bitching! I'm doing a liveblog from there!" he exclaims. Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid fucking name and his stupid fucking blog and everything he fucking does
Chloe and Amanda are already at the location, but Amanda has to leave and then re-enter with the cameras there. Chloe is confused by this. I'm with the nurse. George appears now for the first time, and I have no idea who he is. That's all he gets, as we are now treated to Amanda sneaking out the back to a car which then pulls around the corner to enter. We then get Layla and Sam bitching about their exs. A scene so good when we saw it ten minutes ago we get it again. We then cut to one of the gay guys telling his pet dog that she worked really hard at the salon today. To clear this up, the human is telling the dog it worked hard at the salon. His husband comes in and they talk about Jodie, how she has no volume control and is kinda annoying
Layla and Sam, after spending the entire episode complaining about how annoying their exes are, then switch the names on the tables at the Style awards so they sit next to their exes for the night. WHY!? The event starts, Coleen Rooney wins Amanda's award but she can't be here tonight. I can't blame her. We then find out George's family owns the Hilton hotel in Liverpool. Say wha? Layla and Joe talk about their deal and her accent gets worse. What is it with these scripted shows and pointless drama between completely unlikable characters? Then like three scenes go by and nothing interesting happens
Chloe and Amanda are now talking and Chloe asks if she's been on twitter. TWITTER AS PLOT PROGRESSION! FUCK! Apparently Jaiden is being mean about Amanda on twitter. "I'm not bothered, but if I see him I'm going to sort it out" she says, the exact opposite of not being bothered. Joe talks to Elissa about being friends, Elissa shuts him down and starts crying. Mixed signals much? This is so fucking boring, it's been going on for minutes now and it ends with Elissa hitting him and storming off. Amanda confronts Jaiden and he says she looks like a furry. JESUS! The two of them argue about fucking twitter and it's absolutely pathetic. She throws a drink off him and storms off. The show them mercifully ends. That was fucking terrible
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