I'll be honest here - Made in Chelsea was a bust. Aside from the first episode, where what I expected and what actually took place were two incredibly different things, it was a boring slog through people talking about things we've already seen, forever. The main rule of things like TV is "Show, not tell" and by God did that show fucking love to tell
So, while I'm looking for something else to watch, here is The Only Way is Essex. This is Season 3 eisode 1, which premiered yesterday or the day before. The point I'm making is that it premiered recently. Note I've never watched The Only Way Is Essex before in my life, I know absolutely nothing about anyone in this show or even what it is even about. I'm going in here completely blind, as well as two seasons behind. SO LET'S FUCKING DO THIS
Right, opening credits. Here is Joey. Here is Jessica, with a nuclear bomb being detonated just off camera. This is Mark. And Lauren. This is Harry, even though his name disappeared like super fast and he looks like the kid from Eastenders who was a Mitchell and then left Eastenders and then married her from Hear'Say who then went onto Coronation Street. Next we have...Arg? His name is fucking Arg!? I also want to point out that the song The Only Way Is Up is playing throughout the opening credits, which I get the feeling may be better placed at the ending credits
Next we have Lydia, and there's something about her face which doesn't seem right. We have Kirk, who seems to be channeling The Demon Headmaster. Who remembers that show? It was scary as shit! Next we have Sam. That's it. 9 characters, all of them introduced within the first 30 seconds. If they don't put names to faces during the show I will forget all of their names and will flail around like a baby when describing anything they do
We start with a montage that goes on for a minute and a half of each of the characters. They are walking around, some of them are sitting down together, one is driving a car and one is staring at his phone wistfully. Why? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! The show doesn't do a recap of anything thats happened before, so not only do I not know the characters I have no idea what their motivations and story arc are
Lydia is with some dude in an empty shop that apparently she owns. "This is gonna be the cake cawna" she says in her awful accent "'Ere there'll be bewthday cakes, 'ere there'll be cupcakes, 'ere they'll be cookies, the lot" The other guy is introduced as Arg, whio has a first name of James. WHAT!? Why not call him fucking James! Lydia calls him James or Jay like five fucking times in this fucking scene so what is the fucking point of having the nickname Arg!? Fuck you!
Suddenly, a witch appears! FUCK AAAAAAAAAAA SOMEONE THROW SOME WATER ON HER JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Oh wait it's just Lydia's mother, although I still refuse to let go of the witch theory. She congratulates Fucking Arg, since that is his name from now on, that he's lost a lot of weight. "You look like Dustin Hoffman" the witch says. Isn't he like fucking 70?
Here is Mick. WHO THE FUCK IS MICK!? He talks to Kirk about cars. "A lambo is a man's car, innit" Mick says. Kirk has just bought a Porsche, you see. "That's a hairdresser's car, mate" Mick says about it. Is that...homophobia? Way to be progressive, Essex. Mick then critisizes Kirk for the Porsche, as Kirk works in property and a Porsche gives off the wrong impression to people. See, I'm learning things already! I think Mick is Kirk's dad, because Kirk keeps asking him if he's proud of him. I think Essex is the only place in the world where a father calls his son "mate" in an affectionate manner
Elsewhere, Joey is cutting his jeans up to make jorts. FUCKING SERIOUSLY! Chloe watches, and she looks like a rat, a duck and a human fell into one of those teleporting machines from The Fly. Chloe says he is cutting up vintage jeans to make jean shorts, he says he doesn't care. "Joey, what does vintage mean?" she asks "Like, it's new but made to look old, innit?" he replies. We go back to Kirk and Mick, who talk about Kirk breaking up with Lauren. WHO FUCKING CARES. Chloe is talking to Joey's sister and then he walks in looking like this. FUCK OFF. The two girls call him out on looking like a twat, he says they don't know what they are talking about. "Cheers united!" he says sarcastically and then minces off
Lauren P and Lauren G are talking. WHY ARE THERE TWO LAURENS ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!? Right, new name time - we have Lauren P, who apparently used to go out with Kirk, I think, and Warren G, Dr Dre's brother who had one mediocre album in the 90's which I fucking loved at the time. Warren G also broke up with someone called Mark and they were engaged? Lauren asks Warren G what she is going to do with the ring "I dunno, sell it?" Fuck!
We go back to Mark and he's upset, not only about Warren G breaking up with him but something else. Fucking Arg is there to console him, although fuck him. Mark has a go at Fucking Arg for choosing Lydia over him in his time of need. Next up we have Georgio cleaning a house in his underwear because his mother is coming over while Dino, also in his underwear, hands him a protein shake. Nothing in that sentence was a lie. Joey and Kirk talk about Kirk's new car, which Joey says is "Reem". I have no fucking clue what that word means but he said it about the jorts from earlier too so I assume it's bad. Kirk then convinces him that a cars horsepower comes from tiny horses living inside the car that make it go fast. I wish I was lying
Mark tells Fucking Arg he is going to be celibate for 40 days. I think he said 40, it might be 14 but the accent makes it incomprehensible. Fucking Arg then tells Nanny Pat. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU NANNY PAT!? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW!? THERE WERE ONLY 9 IN THE OPENING CREDITS FOR FUCKS SAKE! Harry and someone else tell Gemma, who I have no fucking clue who she is, she looks amazing. Apparently Gemma was stalking Mick. Wait, what? Harry says Gemma reminds him of Jlo. Should I tell her or do you want to? Jess is having a party since its her birthday, and she invited Lauren despite LAuren saying Jess and Mark are incestous. They are apparently brother and sister? Wait, why would they still be friends after she said that? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW!?
We then get a needless scene of a dude in the shower, and he walks out to some girl who doesn't even get fucking named and they get invited to Jess' birthday party. Shower Dude doesn't want to go because of what happened last time with Mark. Did Mark cheat on Lauren with this nameless girl and thats why the engagement is off? I DON'T KNOW! The only mystery bigger than everything that happens in this show is the fact it's apparently popular. Shower Guy then takes his towel off and nameless girl laughs
Next we go to the party, where Jess' mother and Nanny Pat bring out a cake of a pair of tits with the candles on the nipples. I'm serious. I do not understand anything that happens on this show. The show then spends the next few minutes jumping and freezing for no real reason so I miss like the next two scenes since I can understand even less then usual. What I do see is this guy in the middle of the dance floor. Why is there a dude with a saxophone in the middle of the dance floor while there is a DJ at the party? I do not know, but I hope the guy goes on to become this guy
Lauren P and Warren G talk about Mark. I think they've switched characters now, since the other one was engaged to Mark before. Kirk and Joey talk women "Girls are proper mind games!" Joey says "They just want to mess wif ya mind!" They then talk about short names, like William shortened is Bill and Richard shortened is Dick. Joey completely fails to understand any of this
Mark turns up and he goes to talk to Lauren or Warren G. I have no idea which is which at this point. Mark lays it all on the line about how they gave everything to each other and it didn't work, and they are trying to be friends. People are talking to each other but I really don't know who they are or why they have problems but everyone seems to have problems with each other. Things get brought up that seem to have happened before but it falls apart to arguing and it's fucking shit. This show is fucking shit. I am fucking done. Fuck everything
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