If you hold a mirror up to Geordie Shore then reality is the reflection you will get. In this scenario I am the mirror, and I am shattered into a million pieces. The image of reality and Geordie Shore is the same, splintered into a million pieces that distort any image within the mirror's view. Also Geordie Shore is a vampire or something so it won't be seen in the mirror. This may sound like a shit episode of the Twilight Zone, but this is my life, and just like what I wish would happen to my life, Geordie Shore will end soon
We start the episode with a recap, but it is fucking shit and boring and I hate it so we'll skip it. It's the morning after the big fight the guys and girls had, and Sophie wakes up with a naked dude in bed with her. "Virgin of the week!? I can't even last a day!" she whines. She should start watching anime to really understand what we go through. Vicky also bangs some dude, which she is shocked about since she doesn't do that. Losing inhibitions while on holiday? Say it ain't so!
Charlotte is unhappy that Gary, while angry at the girls for lying about staying in the house as are the rules, called Charlotte fat and ugly. "I think he is skinny and ugly and I hate him and he resembles a rat" she says, clearly showing she is not 6 years old. "Girls are for banging, not for arguing" James says, as the great Geordie Shore War of 2011 starts. It's girls versus boys, and nobody is getting out alive. Please tell me nobody gets out alive
Everyone goes to a pool party, even though there is a divide straight down the middle of gender. A divide straight down the middle of gender sounds like a Morrissey song. Regardless, Gary says he was "confused" at the amount of women there. I think it was more confusion at being spoilt for choice, not confusing as in he would rather spend the night making tender yet passionate love to James, although what do I know?
"I don't know why you have to kick off with the most flawed argument I've ever heard in my life" Vicky complains at the pool party. The argument is this - the girls said they'd stay in the house, as a rule is that there has to be at least two people in the house at all times. The guys went out, and when they got back the girls were gone. The guys were unhappy not only the girls lied to them, but because they are now going to get in trouble for their lies. The flaw, apparently, is that the guys can shag as many girls as they like, but when the girls do it the guys get angry. It would be a fair point if THAT WASN'T WHAT THIS WHOLE FUCKING ARGUMENT IS ABOUT
In the pool, Gary is shagging a woman and Charlotte says she feels sorry for him. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS LIE ABOUT THIS I HATE YOU. The pool party then has a wet t shirt contest, because this didn't happen at all on the last episode. "Who better for a wet t shirt contet then Holly?" Sophie asks. Anyone who doesn't utterly repulse me would be a good start. Holly starts the wet t shirt contest by taking her t shirt off and showing her tits to everyone, seemingly not understanding the idea of a wet t shirt contest
Charlotte celebrates with Holly for getting her tits out "Guys zero, girls two, Gary size zero!" she exclaims, proving that she is not obsessed with Gary but also thankfully dropping the whole parsnip thing. Everyone goes back home, and the place is a fucking pig sty. It is grody. Their boss then comes in, and he isn't happy about this. As punishment he makes everyone stay in tonight, little realising the person who is punished the most by this is me. Fuck you, guy whose name I've forgot
"I'm not going to stay in. Fuck that! I'm in fucking Magaluf and you expect me to stay in? Get a fucking grip!" Sophie complains. For some reason everyone goes out tonight anyways (???) and Gary apologises to Charlotte for saying she's ugly after she whines about it. She is either the most insecure person in existence or she is in love with Gary. Both option are correct at the minute. "I'm the coolest person on this island" Charlotte later says, not fooling anybody
Gary doesn't get anywhere with the women, Charlotte spends most of the night complaining that the guys aren't that good looking (which she did a lot in Newcastle too) and if you can't tell what happens next then you've never watched Geordie Shore and I'm really fucking jealous of you. Just kidding, she says no! "But I really regretted it!" Charlotte says. The guys bring 3 girls back to the house, so Gary goes off with Charlotte and fucks her anyways. But she said no beforehand so that was technically rape. I just watched Gary rape someone. I'm not even going to make a joke saying that it's alright because it's only Charlotte EVEN THOUGH THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING
The last ones up are Jay, James and the three girls they brought back with them. Jay takes one of them to fuck, leaving James with the other two. James, the one who is always complaining that he needs to shag a bird in Magaluf. What does he do? If you thought "Go to bed and leave the two girls in the stranger's house by themselves" then congrats, you can think like a fucking idiot. Next morning, Charlotte cries in the bathroom because she had sex with Gary. He doesn't seem to care, probably because he's used to that situation happening. Vicky thinks that Gary has done something and they start arguing. Vicky has now had an argument with everyone on Geordie Shore
Vicky then comforts Charlotte, telling her that she isn't Gary's banker but he is Charlotte's banker. If we keep talking about bankers then I'm going to refer to Gary as Goldman Sach's, because he is fucking everything up. Sophie then comes in and asks Charlotte if she's washed her fanny yet and I have this sudden urge to kill myself
Everyone then goes on a booze cruise "I've been drunk on the land before but I've never been drunk on the sea!" Charlotte exclaims. If you fell over drunk on the land you'll probably hurt yourself and you'll look liked an idiot. If you fell over drunk on the sea you will probably drown. Stick to what works, people. James hits it off with a girl and they end up kissing a bit and everyone is happy for him. "I didn't know he could even pull a muscle" Vicky says. Listen idiot, it's harder than you think to pull a muscle. First you have to actually getmuscles. Who the fuck can do that!?
Since they can't go out tonight (but they could last night? I don't think they edited the show into the right order here) they call all the people they've pulled since they got here and had a party at the house. The guy Vicky was wanting to get into dives into the pool showing off, which puts her right off. "Heh, that idiot I invited having a good time at a party, this will teach him" she doesn't say but actually means. James then turns down the girl he met at the booze cruise, the one he got somewhere with, for a girl he got nowhere with the night before. This is probably the worst decision anyone has made with regards to this show, trumping even my decision to watch it
Greg ends up in a limo with three girls somehow, I don't fucking have a clue how. Even more surprising, he kisses two of the girls and gets two of the girls to kiss each other. All throughout the show he's followed through with his ideals of quality over quantity, and it pays off now. 8 episodes in with 10 minutes to go until it's all over. A little too late? Dude is going to have a foursome with 3 women. I can't hate on that. Congratulations Greg, as the Geordie Shore member who I hate the least, you have deserved this
Charlotte spends forever talking about her feelings and how confused she is and I faze out completely. I focus again and Charlotte has pulled Gary away and starts slagging him off. "To be fair I did listen to the first two sentences, then I just turned off" Gary explained, which is the exact same thing I did as well. Eventually Charlotte leaves, and when Gary returns the girl he was getting with has left. Waah waaah waaaaaaah
They all go back to the house, and Gary goes to bed by himself. My heart bleeds for him. Jay James and Greg still have a girl there, but the girls only want to play Charades. Fucking serious. The girls are sitting around the table playing charades while the guys look like they want to die. Jay eventually gets his girl out of there, and sex happens. Greg and James get their girls to the bedroom much later, except Holly is there too. The girls climb into bed with Holly and I start praying that Israel carpet bombs the house because FUUUUUUUCK
Next morning, everyone is packing and Holly says she loves everyone and they have such a family bond that is amazing. I have literally paid more attention to the people around her than she has. She is a fucking stupid shithead. The show ends with Gary admitting he likes Charlotte. THEN WHY FUCK AROUND WITH HER THE ENTIRE TIME YOU ARE THERE YOU STUPID FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Right, the show is over now. Forever, hopefully. There may be another season of Geordie Shore, but since that will have different people I will never see any of these people ever again. Sure, there is a chance of running into any of these people in Newcastle, but I'm praying that never happens. I hate each and every one of these people far more then I ever imagined it would be possible. That is all I have learned from this show
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