Is today Thursday already? Why did I agree to do this? At least Geordie Shore was entertaining with how bad it is, not boring me to fucking tears like this show. Welp, here we go...
We start with a recap on what happened on the last episode, although if the last episode is anything to go by THEY'LL SPEND THIS EPISODE TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST FUCKING EPISODE. "This is my first girl about town blog, it's really important" "Of course it is!" FUCK YOU CHESKA AND BINKY FUCKING FUCK YOU
Anyways, this is our title card. If you can remember who Millie is then congrats, you are paying far more attention to this show then I am. We start with Amber and Rosie buying clothes. Rosie is throwing a dinner party for some reason, and I guess this is the big stage for the episode. I bet it fucking sucks. The two girls talk about the dinner party while Rosie tries to devour my soul and Amber buys a cape. Fuck! We're less then a minute and a half in and someone has bought a cape!
Next, we go to Hugo's workplace where Caggie and Millie are there talking with him about the dinner party. Rosie calls Hugo to confirm he and his friends are going to her dinner party. How do all these people know each other? It's sort of implied they all know each other but I have no idea how or why. Actually, forget I asked that, knowing my luck it will end up they all grew up together in an orphanage but then got amnesia so they forgot but then they remembered again
Caggie Millie and Hugo talk about Spencer's girlfriend FUCK THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU DID ON THE LAST EPISODE and Millie google's her. I don't think google works that way. WAIT WHAT THE FUCK GOOGLE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY WHAT KIND OF BIZARRE REALITY IS THIS YOU CAN'T TYPE SOMEONE'S NAME AND YOU GET MODELLING PICTURES OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T CELEBRITIES WHAT THE FUCK!?
They then talk about Spencer liking Caggie and it's really boring and what the fuck does Hugo even do for work? What kind of work allows him to sit and chat about the boring shit in his life with two fucking idiots? We then cut away to Spencer and his girlfriend talking about Caggie, again something that happened last episode. I actually did some research on this show, and it ends up this isn't a reality show at all! It's a "reality soap" What the fuck that means, I have no clue
At Rosie's dinner party Hugo and Amber congratulate her on the venue. Rosie then admits she did no work. Of course she didn't, she's nouveau riche. Rosie leaves to mingle and I groan in anticipation of Hugo and Amber talking about fucking Facebook again. Instead, Amber agrees to go to lunch with Hugo. "I don't like that, it's kind of the friend zone" Hugo complains, the fucking twat. "We enter the lunch road and maybe we'll head onto the dinner highway" says Amber, as if she is reading straight from the script of Juno
Francis shows up now, and shows why he should be fucking rowing or getting his portrait taken while holding a globe and not wearing glasses. He calls Millie Caggie by accident and tries to pull off a Hugh Grant "oh bother, I am a bit of a befuddler!" vibe but instead comes across as a creepy stalker. I knew we had something in common. Caggie is late so Millie calls her up, but I have no idea what the fuck they are saying. You know the 30 Rock joke where Jenna's movie is called the Rural Juror but nobody can tell it's called because Jenna pronounces it "The Ruur Juur"? That is literally their entire phone conversation
Binky Cheska Amber and Rosie are talking. The first line is "So I saw your blog" and I refuse to pay attention to this scene out of principle. Spencer and his girlfriend turn up, then Caggie does at exactly the same time and everything gets awkward. Sadly, the awkward silences are far more enjoyable then anyone in this show talking so I savour this like it's my last breath alive. It honestly sounds like Spencer's girlfriends name is "Thunder" and I can't help but think she is a wrestler. Dinner then starts but I'm just imagining myself powerbombing everyone through tables to pay too much attention
Ollie is there and he says its his birthday. He says he's 24 WHAT THE FUCK I'M OLDER THEN THIS CLOWN JESUS CHRIST and tells everyone they should do something cool for his birthday. You know what I did for my 24th birthday? I got drunk with my friends. What does Ollie suggest? "We should all go to Morroco" FUCK! Caggie starts complaining to Millie and Hugo she feels horrible about meeting Spencer's girlfriend. Who fucking gives a shit "I really don't want to be here" Caggie whines. She doesn't explain if it's because she's in love with Spencer and it hurts seeing him with someone else or if it's because she doesn't want to get in the way of their relationship
Francis then leaves the dinner party to find Caggie. It looks more like a TA meeting some students at Eton rather than him trying to hit on Caggie. Dude looks ridiculous. Caggie leaves, Millie tells Francis Caggie isn't interested in him. He then starts sulking. Way to be mature, dickhead. Ollie's girlfriend (what is her name?) asks Ollie if he wants to go skiing with her for his birthday. He pressures her into letting everyone else come along with them. So instead of going to Morroco they go skiing. FUCK
Thunder then sits next to Caggie for some reason. The reason won't be to challenge her to a cage match at the next Pay per view, but I live in hope. They continue their awkward talk from before while Hugo and Spencer seem to think there is a threesome at the end of this road. Caggie and Millie then go back and forth for a bit - Caggie wants to go home but Millie wants her to stay. "I want to go" "No, you should stay" "I really don't want to be here" "You have to stay" "I really need to get out of here" STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Caggie then leaves and cries in the taxi home. If you take out the taxi and the leaving you get me watching this show
The next morning we have MOTHERFUCKER! Then someone called...Agna? Agma? Fuck, I can't tell what her name is and the show does not do a good job in letting me know. Regardless, she is the new intern. Oh what luck is it that Francis, freshly rejected by a blonde, has a new blonde intern working for him? This is like Hollyoaks, except with worse acting somehow
Caggie then goes to Hugo's apartment to talk about last night. You don't have to talk about last night. We watched the whole thing. There is nothing else about it we don't already know. We do get a new tidbit - after she left the dinner party, Spencer texted her saying he was confused. Hugo says Spencer is being selfish, clearly forgetting about bros before hos. He then sends another message as the two are talking saying Caggie looked amazing last night. This is incredible, as her phone didn't even go off at all! Man, these reality soaps are the fucking future!
Hugo tells Caggie to drop it and move on, which is sound advice and also means the show can start moving towards something that could possibly resemble something interesting. I doubt this will happen. Meanwhile, at Ollie's apartment, he's with Gabriella who finally gets her own name. This is her first credited acting role since dying at the end of Moonraker so I'm very happy for her. They are packing for their skiing holiday, and Gabriella seems to be unaware that Cheska and Binky, who are talking elsewhere AT THE SAME TIME, are also going skiing with them. If I was going on a romantic holiday with my significant other (I'll wait for you to stop laughing) I'd be pissed if two of their friends came along. Even if I was going to the shops though I'd be furious if Cheska and fucking Binky were tagging along
Cheska at least has the decency to feel like she is intruding on their romantic getaway. Not Binky though! "We're going to make it better!" she says, unaware the only thing she can make better is an obituary. Ollie then doesn't tell Gabriella that his two idiot friends are coming, so I can smell the first break up of the series! Elsewhere, Hugo is with Spencer and starts laying down some stats for his ass! "What are you doing!? Stop with the bullshit! I've seen the messages you sent her, what the fuck is wrong with you!?" he cries. Spencer continues to not to choose which girl he likes more and I can see this boring shit dragging on forever. Wonderful
That night, Caggie goes to meet Spencer BECAUSE SHE'S A FUCKING STUPID GODDAMN AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Meanwhile, in France! Ollie and Gabriella are in the hot tub, and Gabriella does a complete 180 from the last episode and starts complaining that he doesn't treat her like she is her girlfriend. Women, am I right fellas!? No seriously, am I right, I honestly have no idea. Caggie meets Spencer on a bridge in Waterloo and I instantly start praying for a murder suicide. Caggie tries to shut Spencer down, he starts going on about how much he loves her, she leaves. You go girl! Back at the hot tub, Cheska and Binky show up and Gabriella is angry but lies to their faces, which I can get behind
Next morning, the four of them sit around on a ski slope and talk about boys. Well, one of them doesn't. If you thought it was Ollie then you're wrong, Gabriella sits there and simmers angrily. Ollie tries to get her to go ski, she refuses saying "When I think about it I get so scared that I cry" THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SUGGEST YOU GO SKIING THEN YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITHEAD! Frederik then calls Francis on the phone and Francis opens the conversation with "You ok broseph?" and it is the whitest thing you have ever heard. Nerdcore has got nothing on the whiteness Francis exudes out of every pore. Millie is getting ready for her date with Frederik, as apparently she is the one Frederick got a date with last time. Whatever. Caggie is helping her get ready but its really fucking boring. Apparently Frederik is a model? Jesus, who can pay attention to this?
We then go back to Gabriella complaining about her relationship with Ollie to Cheska. We go back to Francis and his new assistant, who seems as surprised at I am by her own name. Francis tells her to renew his passport as he'sgoing to New York, she says she likes New York and he invites her along. SHE IS A FUCKING INTERN WHO HAS BEEN WORKING THERE ONE DAY WHY IS SHE FLYING TO NEW YORK AREN'T WE LIVING THROUGH A RECESSION HERE!? FUCK! Amber comes in, and Agne introduces herself to her. Why, you are the fucking intern! Amber describes her as a "fiesty minx" and uuurrrrrggghhhhh I just want it to stop, I just want all life to stop right now. They talk about Hugo, as he keeps asking Amber out on a date. "Honestly, you are out of his league" Francis says to her. DO RICH PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THE BRO CODE OR SOMETHING!? HOW CAN HE CALL FREDERIK BROSEPH AND YET NOT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE BRO CODE!?
Back in France, Ollie complains to Binky about his relationship with Gabriella. Back in Chelsea, Millie is waiting for Frederik to turn up for the date but he is already there, and there is absolutely no way she will not be able to see him from where she is sitting. I don't think busking is a good first impression either. The two of them flirt, and Frederik says "In irony lies truth" so I refuse to pay attention to this date and any other scenes involving the date
Spencer and Thunder are out and talking about Caggie because they are boring people. Spencer then sells Caggie down the river, by telling Thunder Caggie has feelings for him and he is the one who said they should give each other some space. We go back to the date which I ignore completely. Back in France and the four girls are sitting around. Ollie apologises to Gabriella for being whiny, she does the same. Gabriella gives him a present except I have no fucking clue what it is, he seems happy. Binky and Cheska give him a one piece. No, not the DVD (it would have redeemed the show in my eyes i that happened) but a woll one piece to wear...I don't know where you'd wear it, but the possibility of being able to wear it are high
We go back to Millie and Frederik's date, and I just want to say it was a lunch date but it's now dark out. This means they had a lunch date for around six or so hours. They then go back to Frederik's hotel room. The next morning Caggie Rosie and Millie are talking about Millie's date. Rosie doesn't get a line in the entire scene and the camera is barely on her. Thanks for showing up, love. Back in France, the four muskateers are hungover and Binky goes to get some shots after Cheska says they need "hair of the dog that bit them" Ollie points out that Binky should make sure there are no dog hairs in the drinks, and Binky asks why. That series of events happen in that exact order
When Binky is at the bar she meets some guy and the other three are surprised by this. Afterwards we get this. Maybe tell us this beforehand so we can be shocked too, the way it's done means we never understand the shock of him being here since we aren't aware of this at all. Binky then spends the entire scene talking to him laughing, and I'm not sure if it's part of her character or because she is a terrible actor
Caggie and Hugo are talking about Spencer, and Hugo brings his friend called CJ to set the two of them up. BROS BEFORE FUCKING HOS WHY DOES NOBODY IN CHELSEA FOLLOW THIS!? We go back to France where it's dark and the three are worried that Binky hasn't turned up yet. If it ends up she died on the slope I wouldn't be too upset. Back with Caggie, Hugo leaves to get another drink and CJ asks Caggie how he knows Hugo. "I don'tknow!" is the reply. HOW DO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE FUCKING KNOW EACH OTHER!? Back in France, Binky turns up, alive sadly, and she brings her ex with her to Ollie's birthday meal. Binky's ex sounds like a northern Clive Owen. Ollie and Cheska are a bit apathetic towards him, and Binky's ex admits some wrong doings in the past but he's a changed man now. Did he used to beat her? That would make him my favourite character on the show
Back in London, Hugo is still at the bar (he's been there a while) and Spencer walks in. UH OH! Spencer gets angry at Hugo for...I don't know. He views this as a betrayal by Hugo, they argue a bit and Spencer leaves in a huff. The episode then ends on a fucking terrible cliffhanger. There was also a preview of the next episode and SPOILERS its all about Caggie and Spencer again. Fuck yes, this shit hasn't been run into the ground at all!
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