Made In Chelsea Episode 3 - The One With The Dog Therapist

It's Monday, I just watched last nights Curb Your Enthusiasm and Breaking Bad, and I just ate a teacake. Let's do this

We start with a round up of the last episode, which isn't interesting in any way. Here is the title card, because Spencer is a twat. We start with CJ, who we met in the last minutes of the last episode, cleaning a gun. I hope he's the character who goes on a rampage and kills everyone. Caggie comes along and they are going fox hunting or something

Meanwhile, Francis gets a massage while his foreign intern tells him his schedule. If he was really a high power business man trying to bang his intern it would be her giving him a massage. Francis says he wants to get a pet penguin and if Agne knows where to get one. I think this is an attempt at flirting with her, although I definitely know that I hate him. Back at the shooting range, Rosie and Hugo turn up, then Spencer and Thunder turn up too. Hugo and Spencer make up, so last episode's cliffhanger gets made irrelevant three and a half minutes into the next episode. Great

Caggie is looking at some fish when Millie starts talking to her. She is also here despite not apparently turning up at any time. Meanwhile, Ollie and Binky play air hockey. Yes, Ollie is playing air hockey indoors while wearing a scarf. They talk about Gabriella, and they agree relationships are a lesson in life. Huh? Ollie says the point of relationships is to make yourself as happy as possible, then gets doubts over the relationship. He does this in two sentences, because he's a fucking idiot

Spencer Hugo and Thunder meet with CJ and Caggie and they talk about who is the best shot. Thunder says Spencer is very competitive, Spencer says he isn't and Caggie bursts out laughing. Thunder then gives her an evil look, but seems to hold herself back from powerslamming her through the table. "He's been talking himself up for the past two days" Hugo says, seconds after Spencer said he got invited here at the last minute. Are they changing continuity between sentences now!?

Francis meets with two people who have their names spoken but not a subtitle so I have no idea who they are and don't care enough to go back and listen again. They want to do a charity event with Francis, and says his motto is "Gain as much as you can, earn as much as you can, give as much as you can" I think he should spend his acting time holding a globe while getting his portrait done because he is the fucking worst actor on this show, if Millie didn't exist. Oh wait, we do get their names, minutes after they come on screen. I thought the cast was a bit big after the first episode but they just keep adding more people to it

The girls talk Francis to hold an auction for blind people. I mean, the charity they are raising money for is for blind people. Blind people at an auction would just get ripped off pretty quickly. The two girls try to talk Francis into auctioning off classic shoes, because young people don't want to buy art or diamonds. That is because young people are fucking stupid. Agne is in this entire scene, the camera lingers on her while other people are talking, but she doesn't say a word. Thanks for showing up, love

Spencer and CJ talk about Caggie. Fuck the pair of them. Back with Francis, they are talking about gimmick dinners with celebrities in character. The girls say Francis could be Harry Potter, when I called that shit a long time ago. Stop reading my blog for script ideas! Agne finally gets a line,saying they should auction off men. Christ, if this show turns into an anti-patriachy soap then I wouldn't know what to believe. Agne then asks for a pay rise, although I'm not sure if she's asking Francis in character or the creators of this show out of character

While the guys are not shooting birds, Rosie tells Millie she is taking her dog to a dog therapist. WHAT!? FUCK YOU LADY! Millie complains about Frederik, although not because he smells of hemp, and says that Hugo is the ideal guy. How? How can anyone look at Hugo and think "Yeah, that guy is fucking ideal" Spencer and Hugo then talk about Caggie, because out of all the issues that could happen in the world when the show was being filmed the number one conversation topic of this show is fucking Caggie

Later, Francis is at a business dinner. With his intern. He is the worst boss in existence. He complains about the two charity girls being useless, then says that Agne is under him and should tell him about any ideas she has away from everyone else. Yes, the two of them do play on the term "under you" as if to imply sex, but the two of them seem so bored when they are doing it. "Business is the warfare of the modern age, and I'm a general" says Francis Mussolini

Back at the shooting place, CJ goes up and we watch a montage of him shooting and killing birds while everyone else is impressed. Spencer then just misses blowing his foot off, which makes this the worst hunting trip ever. "Business is a jungle, but I am an animal lover" says Francis. I bet he thinks he's King Fuck of Shit Mountain with all these little phrases he has. Agne asks him what kind of animal she is "A fox. You're quite strategic" is his response. "Do you think I'm foxy?" she asks "I think you are a good employee" is his response. At this point I feel like I could give him tips on how to talk to women, fucking hell

"Most people think of me as another Eastern European whore" Agne says, showing the darker side of her personality. "Well I don't think you're a whore" Francis says. This is going to become Pretty Woman except with worse acting, a terrible script and I'm actually watching it, isn't it? Back at the shooting range, Spencer is keeping up with CJ in shooting, and the show makes this out to be a tense situation to see who is better, except nobody fucking cares. Spencer wins, and starts gloating

At Ollie's apartment, Gabriella shows up and she talks with Ollie about something, except she speaks too quietly for me to hear so I imagine they talk about video games. Hugo then sits down with Millie and Rosie except HE ENDS UP LOOKING RIGHT AT THE CAMERA YOU FUCKING DOLT. He keeps doing it throughout the scene, lingering at the camera for a few moments at a time. Oh man this is all I'm going to see now, isn't it? The three of them talk about Amber, who Hugo finally has a date with. Spencer and Caggie then talk, and it's fucking boring. Thunder then comes along, and drags Caggie away for a talk. POWERBOMB HER!

They talk about Spencer and it's still fucking boring. Thunder tries to get to the bottom of the relationship between Caggie and Spencer, although I don't know why because it's really fucking dull. Thunder then confronts Spencer about using Caggie as a back up plan if their relationship doesn't work out. He says he's an honest person, despite lying for every episode so far

Next, Millie is doing make up at a photoshoot when Caggie turns up. I think some time is meant to have passed between this scene and the last one but the show fails to show this in any way. Great. They talk about Hugo's date with Amber, and Caggie says she thinks he might be interested in Rosie. Millie, the one who is interested in Hugo but is currently dating Frederik, is upset by this. Fuck this is boring. Elsewhere, Rosie takes her dog to the dog therapist and suddenly I long for everyone talking about Caggie or complicated love dodechehydrons

Hugo and Amber go on a date, and it goes. I don't really pay enough attention to tell you how it goes, but I am very aware it goes. FUCK THIS SCENE! YOUR DOG IS CALLED NOODLE MAYBE THATS WHY IT IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED! The therapist then says Rosie's dog is lonely because Rosie is lonely. Rosie being lonely is why she bought the dog in the first place, so it's an ouroborous of boredom. Millie keeps talking to Caggie about Hugo and Caggie calls her Camlilla McIntosh SO SHE IS THE SECRET CAMILLA MCINTOSH FROM THE FIRST EPISODE THEN WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL HER MILLIE IF HER NAME IS CAMILLA FUCK

At Hugo and Amber's date, Rosie turns up because apparently her dog therapist is also her driver? Amber then gets a call and apparently she works with Millie or Camilla or whatever her fucking name is. Rosie then talks to Hugo about the dog therapist and it was bad enough having to watch it happen, never mind having to hear about it second hand as well. Cheska and Gabriella are shopping and Gabriella complains that she thinks she is losing Ollie. I mean sure he has an air hockey table in his house but apart from that he is a massive twat

Caggie then meets Hugo, who seems to be moving through every woman on the show in this episode. They talk about Hugo's date with Amber, even though we already watched it. If you want to know my opinion of this scene then just check out the woman in he background. She is my animal spirit. Next we are at the auction which is on a boat, just in case you weren't aware yet of how decadant everyone in this show is

Caggie Millie and Rosie are talking about Hugo being auctioned tonight, and I start praying slave traders win. Spencer and Thunder turn up. Binky Cheska and Gabriella talk about Ollie not turning up yet. Francis thanks everyone for turning up and the other two women take over, bringing a third person out of fucking nowhere. Coming to our charity auctions and taking our microphones! David Cameron should sort them out! Cheska buys one of the guys on auction, and when Hugo turns up Millie and Rosie compete for him, with Millie or Camilla winning after spending £400 on him. Jesus lady, I hope you got a receipt

Ollie turns up wearing a Union Jack waistcoat for some unknown fucking reason, Millie calls Hugo a spatula instead of a bachelor and I pray for this to end, the show or my life. Ollie talks to Binky and decides to break up with Gabriella. Does he know nothing about charity!? The three girls talk to Francis "When we met you we thought OMG this isn't going to work" says one of them and I fucking hate whoever said this. Sadly they were introduced this episode and had their names on screen twice and will probably never be on again so I have no idea which one said it. Francis laughs at it though, the fucker. They pat each other on the back for the night, and one of them says "blates" instead of blatently and I want to die

Oh wait, now we have Spencer and Caggie talking about their feelings for each other! My desire for death is amplified! They argue and Caggie storms off. Ollie turns up, grabs Gabriella away and they break up. This is meant to be heartfelt, but Ollie doesn't explain why he wants to break up and Gabriella complains that she gave everything and he doesn't care so she ends up sympathetic here. Sadly she'll probably disappear from the show now too, since having sympathetic characters is not a good idea in this show. The episode ends then, and in the next episode preview we have Thunder wearing a dominatrix outfit. A gimmick change!? MY GAWD!