One thing that I will not have anyone say about me is that I am a believer in the North/South divide in the UK. Regardless of which side of the UK you live in, there are a large collection of fucking annoying dickheads, and I will prove this today. After binging through all of Geordie Shore to give the northern side, I will now digest Made in Chelsea, the south side of the country
Another reality TV show following a collection of people as they live their lives and some such nonsense. I actually had a vague impression of Geordie Shore before I watched it, but I'm going into this completely blind. I think by the end of the episode I probably will wish I'm blind, but this is just my early hypothesis - the only way to find out the facts is by watching it
"You may have heard rumours that Chelsea is an exclusive world of royals, aristocrats and playboys. Where the gossip is as startling as the prices. Well, it's all true! And I'd know. I'm *I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO SPELL HER FUCKING NAME! It sounds like Caggie Dunnal but unless the show actually spells it out for me I'm swinging in the dark* and this is my world!" is the very first thing I hear. In the background are a bunch of attractive people sitting around drinking champagne on a boat or buying clothes. Is this show about a bunch of spoilt rich kids going around being fabulous? Because fuck whoever told me to watch it if that is the case
"Business is the warfare of the modern age, and I'm a general" says another guy whose name I don't know. I think in the first minute we've hit at least over double figures when it comes to characters. Since all the women are blonde and all the men could easily be replaced with a guy in a giant costume that spells out "asshole" it might be a bit difficult to tell the difference between them all
We go back to Caggie's monologue "You might say we have it all, but having whatever you want makes choosing much more tricky" FUCKING SERIOUSLY LADY!? WHO THE FUCK ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS YOU ENTITLED FUCKING BITCH!? IN ONE FUCKING SENTENCE YOU'VE ALREADY ANNOYED ME MORE THAN THE ENTIRITY OF GEORDIE SHORE! YES, EVEN WORSE THAN HOLLY! "In Chelsea, the truth is more fabulous than fiction" she continues "This is our life"
Right, a name! The girl on the left here is Amber. She is at a party. This is Francis. He is also at the party. If the show is going to throw everyone at me at once at this fucking party I'll be pissed. At least make them do something! Don't just show them walking around a party as an introduction! I'll never remember their faces or names that way! Do you even know how to make a TV show!? Amber starts talking to a girl, and Francis comes along and we find out the girl is called Rosie
The three of them talk. It seems Amber has thrown the party, there's jewelry on display, and Francis asks after Caggie then leaves. I had to watch this happen, so you have to read about it. The burden of boredom is shared between us. So far, this whole thing feels far too scripted to be a reality TV show, so I'm now going to treat this as a sitcom. The worst sitcom ever, since sitcoms are about how you relate to the characters and not many can relate to a bunch of spoilt rich brats
Next up, we get Caggie herself! She is talking to her friend, Milly. They are talking about boys, and acting upon flirts by them. You may think when it comes to describing what these people are doing I'm using short sentences, but that is literally all we get from them. They talk for less than 8 seconds about boring shit and it cuts away to the next losers, like Spencer and Hugo. Spencer talks about how he wants to hook up with Caggie. That's it, as we cut away to Caggie and Milly talking about some guy who they don't name, and how much he likes Caggie. But he has a girlfriend, but Caggie invites him to the party anyways
We cut back to Spencer and Hugo, and Caggie sent him the text! By him I mean Spencer. This is neither important nor is it interesting, which I guess is why it is on a show about rich kids doing nothing. Hugo gives Spencer shit because he replies to the text in a nonchalant way when moments before he said he really liked Caggie. We cut back to Caggie and Amber, who are talking about going to Amber's party. YOU WERE JUST AT AMBER'S PARTY, YOU SPENT YOUR ENTIRE INTRODUCTION THERE, WHY ARE YOU NOW GOING TO A PARTY YOU WERE ALREADY AT!? Wait, no, it's not Caggie and Milly, it's Cheska and Binky, two people who look identically to Caggie and Milly! If it ends up they are twins of each other I will flip the fuck out
Back at the party, Francis is talking to his clearly stoner friend Fredrik. Finally, a character I can relate to! He talks to Francis about digging for diamonds in Madagascar. Not Francis personally, I'm sure he has slave labour camps to do that for him. Mr Kurtz then talks to his stoner buddy about Caggie. Ends up everyone wants to hook up with her. The trials and tribulations of being young, attractive and rich. I'd be happy enough being just one of those three, or failing that, just being dead
Cheska and Binky HAVE STUPID FUCKING NAMES I AM GOING TO GET SICK OF TYPING OUT REALLY FUCKING QUICKLY meet the guy at the door to the party. He is called Ollie. Why is a skinny metrosexual with an open shirt being the bouncer to an exclusive party? Because it's Chelsea, fool, and there is never any trouble there! It ends up Cheska and/or Binky work for a magazine of some kind and that's why they are here. Or maybe not, I don't really know. They say things and it sounds important, like it shows personality or character, but it's quickly ignored so people can be rich and attractive. You know, important aspects
Spencer and Hugo turn up, and they talk to Caggie and Milly about something happening tomorrow. Caggie invites them along, because progressing a story is the chief concern to a reality TV show. I keep bringing this up, but everything about this show is fake. The people are some of the most insincere shitheads I've ever had the misfortune to watch by other people so I could make a blog post about it. Everything in the show feels scripted, except it's like the people in it have only read the script moments ago and only learned how to read moments before that. Every line feels like a fresh take and it's hurridly edited together. They don't talk loud enough to hear them properly over the music, not that it matters since the bits I do catch are the most boring shit in existence. Nothing is real, everything is gay
Even having these four sitting around a table joking on with each other feels forced. How is that possible? Caggie is doing something tomorrow in public, something potentially embarrassing, and the other three tease her for it. This is the most basic thing in the world. You probably do this to people you know every single day, and yet these people make it seem like it's the most difficult task possible. They wait a moment after someone finished speaking to say their line, nobody interupts or starts talking at the same time someone else does. Nobody laughs either - sure in this case it's because it's not fucking funny, but the other people have no reaction to the person talking except this dead eyed smile
Cheska or Binky, the one who works for a magazine, talks to a guy about his turn ons and turn offs. "Topshop is a turn off. It is not allowed under any circumstances whatsoever!" he says. I hate him the most already. Not because he disses Topshop, but because he manages to nail smug self satisfaction with everything he has. Sadly, since this reality TV show is clearly scripted, I have to assume he is putting on an act and isn't this slimy and despisable in real life. He says his name is Mark but he doesn't get a title over his face, so I'm saying his name is Steve until the show tells me otherwise. The girl he's with (who says her name is Gabriella) shakes hands with Cheska or Binky (the one not from the magazine) when she turns up, and says sorry for not kissing her on the cheek. The guy then says "You're a girl, not a lesbian" and gives this horse laugh and I hate him so much. The girl who just turned up says she has to eat, his response was "Chelsea girls don't eat!" and when she says this one does he says "Thus the celulite!" and does his horsey laugh again. This is a really long paragraph, but the annoyance you had at reading it is the only way for me to accurately depict my hatred for this man
Hugo talks to Amber, and mentions he tried to add her on Facebook and complains that the friend request is still pending. She says she doesn't use Facebook, and he tells her to go onto Facebook and add him as a friend or else he'll be really upset. Is this show jumping between fake and real? Can I do the same? Can I assume these people are all fucking awful human beings, but they are being scripted to be awful human beings in the show? I think I can live with this compromise. Frederick is outside talking to someone who might have been introduced before but fuck if I can remember who. They flirt. That's it. We go back to Spencer and Aggie, who talk about Spencer's girlfriend. Spencer counters this by saying he has feelings for Caggie. Smooth move, Ferguson. We then go to adverts, and I want to point out it's been 15 minutes long so far out of 47
Next morning, Caggie and Milly are somewhere. Milly is hungover. They talk about Spencer and the deal with his girlfriend. Jesus Christ, I could do the entire episode like this because NOTHING IS FUCKING HAPPENING IT'S A BUNCH OF TERRIBLE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THEY TALKED ABOUT IN THE SCENE BEFORE. We then cut to Francis and Frederick at the fucking rowing club. I'm fucking serious. They are rowing. I actually said "No fucking way" out loud as this scene happened. This is the single best way to prove that these people are trying to portray that they are of higher class. Rowing. Fuck!
Next scene, Spencer goes to Hugo's apartment. "I feel disastrous today" Spencer complains "I feel like I've been run over several times" I could easily arrange that if he feels like he really does want to feel that. Spencer isn't happy that he feelslike he has to choose between Caggie and this girlfriend nobody has ever met. He then says he wouldn't cheat on his girlfriend "at the minute". Fuck! Hugo gives Spencer shit for being "a bright moral light for him to follow" and then Spencer gives Hugo shit because Amber still hasn't added Hugo as a friend on Facebook. They are using Facebook to create tension between two characters. FUUUUUUUUUCK! If he had used the Facebook thing as an ice breaker to start conversation with Amber, something jokey and not too serious, thats fine. No, their entire conversation last night was about Facebook and he is actually literally upset that she hasn't added him
I have half an hour left of this. I honestly have no idea if I can manage it
Francis and Fredrick have finished rowing (FUCK!) and are talking about the summer. They are both going to spend August in New York, just in case you weren't aware they were both rich. Francis says he wants to go to the Hampdens to play polo (FUUUUUUUUCK!) and also to hit up the party scene there. Frederick replies with, I fucking swear, "Totes man! Totes!" FUCK YOU! Someone called Camilla Macintosh texts Frederick to see Caggie do something on that day, Frederick and Francis agree to go. WHO THE FUCK IS CAMILLA MACINTOSH!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW!?
Cheska Binky and Ollie are in Binky's mum cottage on the outskirts of London. Cheska says she will never stand next to Amber "because she'll make me look like a heffalump!" Binky is confused by this but Ollie explains it's from Winnie the Pooh. "Oh, was it Eeyore? Or the little piglet!" Binky asks. Fucking Binky. What kind of name is Binky? Binky, you seem like the kind of person who googles your name so here - I FUCKING HATE YOU. Ollie asks who wrote Winnie the Pooh "Charles Dickens" Cheska replies. "No, he wrote Pride and Prejudice" Binky replies. SOMEONE FUCKING END THIS SCENE RIGHT NOW. Ollie points out he wrote Great Expectations and Oliver Twist. "Oh yeah! See, I am actually quite clever" Binky claims. I feel like I've aged at an incredible rate as this scene has went on
Amber and someone who doesn't get named in the scene but has been named before talk about how they hate fake tan and stripper heels "If it's not done in a cool way" SAYS THE GIRL WHO WEARS THIS FUCKING HAT! They talk about Cheska's blog. So she doesn't work for a magazine, she is just a blogger. This show is the most infuriating thing in existence. Her friend now gets named as Rosie, who was named right at the start and not mentioned at all for the past 20 minutes. Cool, way to go TV show! "I think she'll say the party had a Sex in the City, Carrie Bradshaw kind of vibe" Rosie says. Those words are meaningless. What you said literally does not make any sense. Amber then says the word "blogosphere" and I honest to God tried to reach through my laptop and strangle her. Fuck this scene, I refuse to comment on it anymore
Cheska and Binky are eating, and Ollie complains that since he works Fridays and Saturdays then he can only use Sunday as his date night. Thats it. The scene lasts less then 8 seconds. We cut away to a pub, and Caggie seems to be getting ready to sing. Spencer's girlfriend then shows up and her name is Funda. This would be the point I make fun of her name, but apparently she is from Brazil and so gets a pass. She sounds like everyone else when she talks though, so I'm keeping an eye on her. Funda grills Spencer about the night before (she was away or something?) and he hums and hahs through it all. His phone rings halfway through and urrrrgh this is fucking boring! It was Caggie, and she leaves a message saying she hopes he turns up. We then get a fucking montage of Spencer looking at his phone wistfully and Caggie looking into the mirror wistfully and me typing out of sheer despair. Not in the montage, just reality
This could have been a shit cliffhanger in around 3 or 4 episodes time. When we've met and known these charactes for around half an hour we don't care if he turns up or not. There is no tension here, there is no suspence. We know nothing about any of these characters aside from the fact they are utterly worthless human beings with lots of money and too much free time. There is no heart here, no empathy, no reason for anyone to give even the remotest shit about any of the people we've been introduced to. Their problems are the epitome of First World Problems. Any situation that arises with them is inconsequental, and if they moan and complain about being rich it just makes them even more irritating
At the pub, Milly and Frederick talk about fucking nothing. Cheska Binky and Ollie talk about his date, he leaves and then Cheska and Binky talk about her fucking blog. Fuck off. Ollie goes to his date with Gabriella, who was with that cockhead Mark (or Steve or whatever his name was) at the party. Ollie opens with "I'm pissed off. My hair used to be exceptional and now it's going downhill". Fuck off! Back at the pub, Caggie starts singing. She sings a song I recognise but not the name or who its by, but she sounds like Kate Nash so Caggie can go fucking die for all I care. We get Caggie singing over scenes from Ollie's date with Gabriella (boring) and her crowd listening, occasionly nodding their heads in approval (insincere) Spencer then turns up halfway through the song, and we get treated to more close ups of Caggie singing as well as Spencer watching Caggie singing
Gabriella opens up to Ollie on their date, saying she feels comfortable with him because they are both very similiar. Which is true, since they both like men. If Ollie does not have a tearful coming out of the closet episode then that will prove this show is fake. There is no way that man is straight. We cut back to the pub, and Francis gives Caggie a rose. "A rose for a rose" he explains. Now all I can think of is the War of the Roses, and how everyone in this show would be brutally killed on the battlefield if it was set in that time. Spencer turns up with Caggie's drink, and Francis beats a hasty retreat. Nobody gives a shit. Spencer takes Caggie out to dinner to make up for him being late, I struggle to continue watching
The next morning Caggie and her friend who is only ever on screen when Caggie needs someone to talk to talk about dinner last night. You know, instead of FUCKING SHOWING US! YOU SHOW OLLIE HAVING DINNER WITH GABRIELLA AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HIM! WHEN THE MAIN CHARACTER ON YOUR SHOW GOES TO DINNER WITH A GUY YOU DON'T EVEN SHOW THAT!? wHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS!? The two girls talk about Spencer's girlfriend. Feel the deja vu? Yes, because they HAD THIS EXACT SAME CONVERSATION YESTERDAY IN THE EXACT SAME FUCKING PLACE GOD FUCKING DAMMIT
We cut back to Spencer's girlfriend grilling him on what he did last night. WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION YESTERDAY TOO! Spencer admits he went to see Caggie perform, his girlfriend says its not an issue but the fact he tries to hide it is an issue. He then accuses her of over-reacting, because he's a fucking idiot. Francis then gets a call from Rosie, a character I cannot remember, and they talk about last night. He holds a fucking globe in his hand while he is on the phone, like he's some kind of Bond villain. If you think him holding a globe on the phone is stupid, the reason behind it IS EVEN FUCKING WORSE
Spencer and Hugo go on a run and talk about Spencer's dinner with Caggie. I'm not interested at all and ignore it. Amber has a photoshoot now, for some reason. I think it's because she owns some sort of jewelry business? Just a heads up, I think it was mentioned she is 19. A 19 year old running a jewelry business. Welcome to Chelsea y'all! Rosie comes in and they talk about Cheska's blog giving her a good review. Sadly, the same can't be said about other blogs reviews. We then go to Cheska and Binky at Cheska's work WHICH IS A MAGAZINE THIS FUCKING SHOW! Cheska is worried that Amber may not like her blog. What kind of shitty blogger is worried about what the audience thinks? Wait, don't answer that
Spencer goes home and apologise to his girlfriend, and the show ends with his girlfriend insisting she meets Caggie. It ends then. FUCK THIS SHOW IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING IN EXISTENCE IT MAKES GEORDIE SHORE SEEM FAST PACED AND INTERESTING I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW ANYMORE
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