Geordie Shore is a reality TV show that follows 6 people from Newcastle as they live their lives, posing philisophical questions about the state of their existence, ruminating on the effects our government has on our day to day basis and justtrying to get through each day without being crushed by the immense feeling of mediocrity that life brings
Haha, just kidding! It's about a bunch of shitheads from Newcastle who love themselves!
First up, regardless of the mass outcry that happened when the show was first aired, this does not portray Newcastle in a negative light. You could go to any city in England, probably the entire world, and you will find people like this. It's more a damning representation of first world problems then it is of a single city and the people who live there
Secondly, I have never watched this show in my life. When it first aired I ignored it, because it looked fucking awful. The most I've seen of it is the adverts that were shown near constantly. I know nothing about these people, the show, anything that happens on it, anything This is going to be a straight up blind synopsis, because I'm a fucking idiot who does stupid things
There's only 6 episodes, but don't worry! MTV have decided to release two Magaluf specials at the end of August! I am not going to marathon through this, so as long as I keep my will to live on the life support machine I should finish this series in time for them being aired. Bully for me
Why do I get the feeling that by the end of this I'm going to wish I stuck with The Big Bang Theory?
We start with each of the...wait, what do I call them? Contestants? I can't do that since there is no real prize or competition here. Participants? I'm not typing that everytime I want to talk about all of them combined. They can barely be called people at this point. Calling them stars is a gross exageration, emphasis on the gross part. I'm going to call them homunculi until I get to know them a bit better, since at the minute they aren't real to me
Anyways, these homunculi talk about what they want from the show. One says they are going to "Live it up true Geordie style" and if it's anything like my true Geordie style they are going to stay in bed and watch bad TV. How meta would that be? Another says "A girl gives is (me) a badger" which is a bizarre mental image and I honestly don't get the euphamism. I'm from the place these people are and I do not get the lingo they are talking
STOP THE PRESSES we are 24 seconds into the show and one of the girls already has her tits out. 24 seconds y'all! Everyone is in a hot tub and she whips them out. Although this is still the introduction montage so this has not happened chronologically yet, meaning these tits are from the future. As such I will have to disqualify them from the betting pool of "Which girl gets her tits out first" since this has not happened yet, despite the fact I've literally just watched it happen. Also I know none of their names yet and I've already saw her tits. Come on guys, this isn't fucking Entourage
"I'm going to be in there like swimwear" says one girl. In where like swimwear? There is absolutely zero context to this, everyone is just saying a bunch of soundbites that are meaningless set to some generic rock music. The montage scenes seem to be everyone drinking, falling over in the street or getting seperated from fights in the street while other people talk about partying. An auspicious start, Geordie Shore
This is Sophie. She is 21, although I have no idea how old that is in Mr Blobby years. She says this is her year on Geordie Shore and she will "be a complete slut and put out". Everyone has their slut year, it's basically a rite of passage at this point. She then describes herself as "a cock magnet" and describes her ideal man as "a proper butch man, like big muscles, a nice golden tan but not as dark as me, that would be competition" Alas, I was so close as well. Sorry Mom, I guess my princess is in another castle after all
We are now in Sophie's room where she is talking to her mother, who says her daughter has a "massive chest and lovely legs" whoch honestly is kind of a creepy thing to say to your own daughter. Sophie says guys love "skinny girls but also love girls with a bit of tyre, and when I sleep with them its cushion for the pushing" I honestly just had to google "cushion" to make sure I spelled it right. I'm ashamed of myself for that but come on! How many times have you ever had to spell out the word "cushion"? Like fucking never!
"I'm very much my daddy's princess, I still get tret (treated) like I'm 4 years old" Sophie continues. It's usually neglect from their father's which lead to this, although it also happens from too much attention from their fathers, if you know what I mean. I'm on about her father sexually abusing her, if you don't. By the end of the series I am going to build a case against Sophie's dad that he sexually abused her as a child, probably around the age of four, and will get him arrested. Here is what her parents look like - nice soul patch, dickhead
Meet James. The first thing he says is "The hardest graft (work) I've ever done is doing my hair" A man who truly knows the plight of the proletarian, James follows with "I've never been in love - my full time occupation is smashing birds (women)" which is either very Richard Keys-esque or is stark honesty in his woman beating ways. If the show ends with James getting severe roid rage and ending up killing all the women on the show with his patented Crippler Crossface while wearing a bra and panties I think we can truly say that life imitates art
"I'd definitely say I'm one of the best looking lads in Newcastle, if not England" he says. Dude has clearly never met me then. "Honestly, what's not to like?" he asks, making the same pose I make every time I make a tweet. We also meet James' dad, in a joke so obvious that even I can sit back and let you all form your own punchlines
Next up is Vicky, and I'm already running an over/under on the amount of times she is referred to as "Sticky Vicky" in this episode alone. "I want to make a guy really want me, who really needs me but I'd probably just suck him off anyways" is her first fucking quote and Jesus Christ she is going to refer to herself as Sticky Vicky, isn't she? Here's her mother who says "Vicky is much easier when she gets her own way" Sorry love, I've known of your daughter's existence for less then 30 seconds and I fail to believe she can get any easier. "To me, my family is everything" she says, which is the first nice thing anyone on this show has said so far. She redeems herself with "All the lads will love me, all the lasses will hate me" so we're still back on track
Here is Gaz. It really says a lot when someone is called Gary and they still decide to shorten their name. "From the minute I get a birds number to the minute I shag them, I know the situation inside out" is his first quote, which could only become classier if he was wearing a tuxedo and drinking a martini while saying it. He then pulls a remote control for a TV out of nowhere and says "It's literally the size of that" I'm sure it also stops working every now and then for no reason until you throw it off a wall, just like all TV remotes
"I'd be the last person I'd introduce to your girlfriend, I'd probably take her. No shadow of a doubt" he says. I hope they are showing these people being awful human beings so at the end we can look back and see how much they've changed. I doubt it though
Next up we have Jay. "A fanny batter is a lad who is after all the fanny, know what I mean, who is getting into all the fanny" is his first quote. I should probably just type the peoples names, show their picture and their first quote. There will never be anything to top this. "I like to take care of myself" he goes on to say (no laughing at the back!) "I like to do the feminine side of things in life" as he gets his body waxed and I watch. Fuck. "True geordie, taking the pain like this" he says about getting waxed, not realising a true Geordie probably wouldn't get his full body waxed
"I'm not falling into a relationship in the Geordie Shore house like, definitely not" he says, proving his point by wearing this. Nice shirt, where did you get, the homo store? He then sits down next to his mother "She looks after my clothes while I look after myself" Remember how Vicky said nice things about her family? "If there's a bird willing to do my washing of course I'll let her do it" Jay says while sitting next to his mother "I'll pay her back in other ways!" and then he laughs. So does his mother. Christ
Next we cut back to Vicky looking around the house. "Geordie Shore is nothing like I could have imagined" she says about a nice house, which must mean she hasn't much imagination. This is reinofrced when she looks at some chairs and says "Fuck. Off" Relax, confused people! This is a good thing. She says "fuck off" to register disbelief at her being in a nice house. "It's like Goldilocks!" she cries when she sees three single beds next to each other. Aw man, and Vicky was my favourite too :(
No time to be sad, the next person is up! Here is Charlotte, and the first shot of her is her taking pictures of herself in her underwear while in a bathroom. "I've slept with a lot of people. Not like loads! Not like thousands" is her first quote, and I really regret doing this. This is a terrible idea. "I'm definitely shallow when it comes to boys" is her second. "If I had nicknames my friends would call me an idiot, my ex boyfriend would call me a psycho and my family would say they hate me because I do their head in" is her third. FUCK THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA WHY AM I DOING THIS GODDAMMIT
"If I see a bird I like, I'll get my wingman to pull her fat mate and I'll get her" says Greg. "If the lads aren't dressed well on the Geordie Shore I will rip the piss!" he exclaims. If you are unaware, ripping the piss means to make fun of. I'm not sure how you would go about actually ripping a piss, but it sounds messy. "I'm usually pretty picky, but when I'm pissed it's a different story like" he says "Everyone will know me, if you go out in Newcastle a lot you are well know, and I'm well known" he brags. Oh yeah? Well I nearly have 800 followers on twitter. Your move, asshole
Lastly, we have the one everyone knows, the big huge tits, Holly. For reasons unknwon to me, MTV got hit with a severe case of lack of subtelty and decided her first shot should be on a fucking trampoline, which I managed to get a shot off just as her face began to melt. "This one (her right breast) is called Heidi and this one (her left breast) is called Audrina and when the song 'Heidi and Audrina eat your heart out" comes on *points to her breasts* these are my babies"
"My party trick is putting a glass between my boobs and being able to drink from it" She is not fucking around, although it's signficantly less impressive with the fact she uses a straw. "If someone asks me if I have a boyfriend I'll say straight up I have a boyfriend" she says, which is the second nice thing I've heard so far "Everyone in Geordie Shore is probably single but I don't care, I'll do what I want" If you think she is going to be faithful toher boyfriend then SPOILERS - the girl in the hot tub who got her tits out at the start was her
Fuck this. I've typed a lot of fucking words already and I'm only 7 minutes into this 43 minute show. This will be a introduction to the characters in this grotesque play called "Geordie Shore" so next time I'll actually be able to skip the fucking boring stuff and get down to these horrible people being horrible people and making me miserable. Fuck these fucking people
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