Geordie Shore Season 2 Episode 1 - The melancholy of a shitlord

Fuck

We start with a recap of last season, except its done in less than 2 minutes. We get told Greg is gone and a new guy is coming in, but since I already know a new girl is coming in as well that surprise is ruined for me. THANKS INTERNET!

We start with Jay picking up Gary. They talk about women they've banged and women they will bang in the future, like some kind of sex philosophers. Gary's Grandad then tells them not to have unprotected sex, although whether he means with each other or not is not disclosed. "If you come back with any grandkids I'm gonna strangle you!" he says. I prefer my old people uncomfortably racist to be honest

Next up is Vicki, who says she has a boyfriend now. THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING IN GEORDIE SHORE!? This might be him, it might not, I dunno but it's a picture they lingered on so, as the expert of Geordie Shore, I'm going to say it is. They talk on the phone and say they'll miss each other so clearly they are gonna break up by the end in a pointless drama filled way

ADMIRAL ACKBAR WHERE DID YOU GOT THOSE TITTIES FROM!? Oh wait it's Rebecca, the new girl. "The lads and lasses won't know what hit them" she says as the very first thing she says "I'm off my fucking dick!" I don't really know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but she takes pictures of herself in her underwear in the toilet, like one of the girls did in her introduction in the first season. "I make everyone on Geordie Shore look fucking boring!" she says, which lets be honest isn't that difficult

We then get James...WAIT THAT'S NOT JAMES! It's Ricci the new guy, who looks fucking identical to James. I hope we find out they are twins halfway through but nobody realises until they're told. His mother packs his stuff for him "Wear a condom" she says "No babies until you're at least 35" Is this going to be the theme for the year?

Sophie has a boyfriend too! "I got chlamydia, I probably gave it to him" she says in her introduction and I can't stop laughing. We cut away to James, who has a new haircut. Since I can't remember what his hair looked like in season 1 I'm having trouble giving a shit. Holly is next, who says "I've come so far, I've really grew as a person" Since I wouldn't call her anything resembling a human being on her best day we'll see how long it lasts. James picks her up "He didn't bang in Newcastle, he didn't bang in Magaluf. Do I need a sign saying 'hello, I will bang you and I'm very good at it!'" says Holly, lasting less than ten seconds in her growing as a person phase

"We're going in as a family now" says Sophie "So there'll be no more Mr Nice Guy. I literally predict a riot!" Surely because they all know each other now there will be less fighting? Oh wait, what am I saying!? Sophie then gets a room to herself so, in her own words "I can hide in the corner and play with myself with my vibrator" Classy

Charlotte says Gary told her he liked her after Magaluf, which she calls "bullshit lies" Then she "had a boyfriend, but that sort of ended, so I guess I'm single, like?" She got retarded during the seasons. "I'm sick of Gary and his big willy, I'm only about little willies now" So I have a chance then! She makes a deal with her mother "If I get back with Gary I promise to do the ironing for the year" she says. "Charlotte, you can't iron" her mother replies. Why does this season feel like its scripted now? Am I being played here?

Vicki enters the house, and takes a room with Sophie since they both have boyfriends. Sophie then shows Vicki her vibrator, and tells her they can share it. Vicki calls her a scruffy bitch. They are friends. Ricci enters next, and apparently he knows Vicki. "She's a good looking girl, there's a bit of feelings, we'll see what happens" he says in his monotonous tone

"I'm an independant woman now! The bank has been demolished, and in its place is an independant woman's shop, and if anyone enters asking for a cash point I'm going to smash their faces in!" Charlotte says, stretching that metaphor far past breaking point. She, Gary and Jay enter next, and apparently Gary is friends with Ricci. I asked in season 1 how all these people knew each other as they entered and I still have no fucking clue

Everyone then sits around talking about the new person. There's an extra bed and chair att he dining table so they all know another person is coming. "I'm going to be loud constantly, act up" Rebecca says, not really doing a good job so far of being endearing. She walks in and that old cliche of everyone falling silent when they realise she's there happens. It's pretty funny. All the girls then start talking and ignore her while the guys are nice to her. Typical, on both counts

Charlotte claims she has Rebecca's dress, Vicki says "I did too so I took it back!" and it's already began. 15 minutes in and Vicki is being a bitch for no reason. WELCOME TO GEORDIE SHORE! The girls go off to a bedroom to bitc about her "She looks like Nancy Del Ollio on crack!" Vicki snaps, getting her reference wrong. Gary and Rebecca turn the hot tub on "Does it have red lights?" Rebecca asks "I really like red" So that explains everything about her - she's clearly the special needs case inserted into the show so everyone can learn something

Regardless, her and Vicki then have the first argument. The guys stay with Rebecca and Ricci keeps crawling around Vicki like a lovesick puppy. He keeps kissing her on the head and cheeks all the time and its really weird. "I love my boyfriend to bits and I wouldn't hurt him" Vicki says, ruining the moment by following it up with "intentionally". She then follows it up with arguing with Rebecca again. I might need an acronym for this because I'm already fucking sick of typing it out

Everyone but Vicki and Holly hits the hot tub, and Holly goes topless. 19 minutes. Rebecca and Jay hit it off and then the most predictable thing ever happens. Everyone ditches the hot tub except the two of them, who have sex. On the first night. After both repeatedly saying they wouldn't. "I thought you could get some problems with doing it in water?" says Holly, and I already want to smash her face in with a brick

Rebecca goes to clean the air with Vicki, we get a commercial and when we come back they are arguing! Again! For the third time tonight! Holly decides to make a move on James, and it doesn't go well. Next morning, Charlotte seems to have some regrets and Gary clearly doesn't. WHO COULD HAVE SAW THIS COMING!? The Boss comes in and tells them are going to be spray tanning people, so everyone practices. "It's against the law to not have a spray tan in Newcastle" says Holly, who has no idea what the laws are and isn't even from Newcastle

They all go out that night and Jay is inseperable from Rebecca "I have my love goggles on" she says. I don't think those are real either. Gary is out pulling women, so Charlotte gets drunk and cries. Jay and Rebecca get a taxi back, she is talking about Vicki constantly so Jay kisses her. When they stop she just keeps talking about Vicki. It's going to be one of those seasons of Geordie Shore. In other predictable news, Gary brings a woman back and takes her to the shed. Sex occurs. Charlotte, still drunk, throws a bottle off the shed and then goes to bed and cries more

Next morning, James and Vicky have to go work as a mobile spray tan. "I'm not looking forward to this, I can't stand her" says James. Things are about to get worse for him. Much worse. "I like James" says Vicki the silver lining "He's more relaxed and making an effort with us, that's all I wanted from him" By the end of the spray tan he's starting to like Vicki more too. Hurray! One less argument in the future!

That night they go out again and Rebecca moans that nobody likes her because nobody talks to her. She is the new Holly. Gary and Charlotte then argue because Gary fucks her and then fucks literally anyone else right after. Getting a weird feeling of deja vu here. "If I saw a girl make you happy I'd spit in her eyes" Charlotte tells him. I was sick of this shit 6 fucking months ago, let the dream die

Ricci starts to make his move on Vicki and Rebecca decides now is the best time to talk to Vicki. They patch things up and things look good...FOR NOW! I also think I hate Rebecca more than Holly. The episode ends with Ricci and Vicki in bed together and something happens but I can't be sure so I'm going to guess they play Risk until the next episode