A cool thing about this week's episode - borders! You can tell where the tops and the bottoms have been cut out a bit, so everything is narrower for some completely unknown reason. If it means I get to see less of this then that can only be a good thing
Also, the recap of last week's episode was a minute and a half. I watched that show, there wasn't even 30 seconds of interesting shit on it. This is fucking ridiculous
"The smile is back on my face! We're a family again! Forget the past!" Sophie says excitedly, because she is fucking stupid. Right on schedule, Vicky says Rebecca is a bellend and Rebecca says Vicky is a proper twat. They sound like a family, anyways. "It's kind of like the conflict between Barbie and Cindy" Charlotte says about the two of them. Out of all the references of women battling it out for supremacy, you choose Barbie and fucking Cindy. Fuck off Charlotte! "Malibu Mandy is saying to Barbie 'look, if we can talk this out why can't she get in the pink jeep and we can all go to the beach together?'" FUCK OFF CHARLOTTE
Their boss calls and Jay, Ricci, Rebecca and Charlotte have to go spray tan someone. Except it's not someone, it's a "Spray Tan Party". The fuck is a spray tan party, and why the fuck are they having it early in the morning? Charlotte is feeling down because of Gary and Rebecca looks like she just lost a fight against a bike and a kimono. Everyone else does the work and Charlotte gets drunk. Hey, it's a party!
Everyone goes out, and Ricci asks Jay if he has a problem with him hounding Vicky, and Jay says no. "I'm not worried about her boyfriend" Ricci explains "I just don't want any bad blood with Jay" Real fucking classy. Charlotte gets drunk, cockblocks Gary and then the girls take her home. "It's not Gary's fault all the time" Ricci says "I feel sorry for the girls who always have to take care of her"
Back home, Ricci starts pointing the finger at Charlotte for drinking too much and for being a mess, and Vicki argues with him. WELL THIS HASN'T FUCKING HAPPENED BEFORE! Somehow, he gets her in the fuck hut and everyone else back in the house don't know what the fuck. "She met him two days ago, what the fuck is she doing in there with him!?" Jay complains. It's cool when Gary fucks women he literally met that night in there, but when it's two people he knows suddenly they are moving too fast!?
Vicki ends up not wanting to fuck him, but she doesn't want him to leave either. He then walks out and she sighs. He's manipulating her and she's too dumb to notice. Charlotte wakes up and goes to bed with Gary. He literally says to her that they can't keep doing this, but she insists and so they fuck. Again. I WONDER HOW THIS WILL END!?
Next morning, everyone is hungover. "Charlotte slept with Gary last night. Let's give them a round of applause. NOT!" says Sophie, bringing the NOT! back from 2007. Charlotte tries blaming Gary for having sex last night when, for probably the first time, it's all on her. They then go to the beach, and the girls aren't happy that Rebecca is hanging with the boys. I may hate Rebecca too, but when she hangs out with the girls they tend to be horrible to her. Sophie proves this by calling her a slag for hanging with the boys
Rebecca and Gary are talking, Gary doesn't want to do anything since Jay has "banger's rights" but Jay says he doesn't mind. A love triangle between three of the worst people, why not! Charlotte then admits she's jealous after saying she doesn't care and zzzzzzzz. Back at the house, Vicky rings her boyfriend and humms and hahs her way through the conversation. The other girls make fun of James for not having sex with anyone yet, and mention "the gay rumours" Now, I've heard James is a massive closet case IRL so if he comes out of it during this season then...I don't know. I'd probably feel bad for making fun of him?
"I don't know...you want what you can't have and everyone loves a dickhead, and James is perfect for that" says Holly. Now, James goes on about wanting to bang a girl, but the only one who has shown any interest in him he shows disgust at. Not wanting to fuck Holly does not mean he's gay, but it does make him more of a relatable human being. I don't think this gay thing is going to go away, and it's going to be hilarious watching the other guy's complete over reaction to it
They all go out again. "I want to dance, flirt, get my goggles on" says Rebecca. I wish she'd put on a mask, or at least a gag. James' friend walks in and Holly gets with him really quickly. Sophie's friend turn up, and she ends up kissing him too. So both of the girls with boyfriends have kissed other guys now. Our survey says! Ricci and Vicky walk home together "There I was, getting a cuddle off him and eating a kebab. It doesn't sound romantic, but I had butterflies" says Vicky. Everyone is fucking classy
Holly went into the fuck hut with James' friend, but didn't have sex. "I have the no sex onsie on as proof!" she proclaims happily. THEN WHY GO INTO THE FUCK HUT YOU MORON? Sophie's dad turns up because ??? and someone points out that every time he turns up she is in bed with someone. It's worse this time since she's with her not boyfriend. To make things worse, Sophie's dad then goes into the fuck hut with Holly and the guy. Why? WHY!?
It ends up Holly didn't fuck James' friend because she wants to give the impression she doesn't fancy James so he then comes running to her. Since he's clearly gay, this is not going to work. Sophie's dad turns up because there's a party at his restaurant and he has no staff. HOW CAN YOU HAVE NO STAFF AT A RESTAURANT!? FUCK! Sophie agrees to take some people to help him out. "I am just like one of those dogs at the shelter" Rebecca says "When they find their owner and get all excited and humping their legs, thats how excited I am to go to the restaurant" It's a fucking italian restaurant, lady
Rebecca looks at someone and she is stupid and I hate her. Jay's ex then comes in and it gets a little awkward. Whoops, I said awkward when I meant to say staged. My bad! "She's nice, but not a patch on me!" Rebecca says. "Honestly, I think she's better looking than Rebecca" says Sophie. "She's fucking spoiling it with her tits! And her wine!" says Rebecca. If she really was better looking than her she wouldn't be getting so jealous. "I'm going to fuck her food up" she decides. Jay's ex wanted the chicken without the white wine sauce, so Rebecca tells them to cook it with the sauce. The situation is easily remedied because the food gets taken back and Rebecca gets blamed. Way to go you fucking troglodyte
Back at the house, the girls invite some other girls over so James can have a shot at fucking something. Gary then shows them the fuck hut and says "One of you will be here with me later" He's a huge fucking twat but at least he embraces it. Ricci gets drunk and Vicky finds him annoying. Then Gary tells everyone they are getting in he hot tub. "I want to go to anger management classes and share my angry stories with all the angry people there" Charlotte says. That's the entire point of anger management, you don't need to describe what they do there you fucking moron
One of the girls gets Gary to rub coconut oil onto her tits, and Charlotte finds out. Carlotte and Sophie then watch as one of the girls gives Gary a handjob in the hot tub. I bet they regret literally inviting them over now. If you're wondering no, nobody fucks James
The next morning, Charlotte packs her stuff and tells everyone she's leaving. At least there will be no more terrible extended metaphors with her gone. She has one last talk with Gary and then leaves. Everyone else is still asleep and she doesn't say a word to them. What a bitch. Gary wakes Sophie and tells her, and she's furious. Sophie then tells vicky and Holly, who start crying
Their boss then calls, and Sophie and Rebecca have to go out today. They both look forward to it, as they don't really know each other. They get their and it's two guys! "I'm really good at flirting" says Rebecca "I swish my hair around and push my boobs up. Everyone loves it!" She didn't love it when Jay's ex did that before. Self centered witch.
That night, nobody feels like going out without Charlotte so they all stay in. Holly makes fun of James because he is sun burnt "He may look like a tomato but he can have my fajita anyday" Fajita's are another food ruined by this show. Jay and Gary then sneak out to hit the town without telling the rest of them. Jay meets his ex again, Gary does what Gary does. Everyone else back at the house do what they do - get angry at themand call them worse than shit. "I'm a bit hurt Gary and Jay went out" James said, but he does follow it up with "without me" so don't feel too good about it
Vicky talks to Ricci about their situation, but as per usual for Vicky, she doesn't really come to a conclusion so things can drag on some more. Rebecca is unhappy that Jay isn't back yet and she keeps calling him "Jason" Fuck off lady. Jay comes back with his ex, Gary comes back with nobody for a change. People are shocked, but I'm not sure which part of that they are shocked at. Jay retreats to the fuck hut with his ex
Rebecca, in a fit of jealousy or some stupid shit, decides Gary is fair game. Jay is back in the house again for some unknown reason, and he claims it isn't. Despite saying before he doesn't mind if Gary takes a swing at her, now he isn't happy. Despite already having a girl in the fuck hut. Urgh, this is fucking DUMB. Gary even says repeatedly to him that he wouldn't do anything with her, and has said all along that it's Jay's right of refusal first
The two of them fight, and Rebecca plays innocent. "I'm not food, you don't fight over me" she says "But then I caused this. I don't understand how it came to this" She is terrible at playing innocent. I fucking hate her so much
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