We start with Holly and James in the gym. Why does the Geordie Shore house have a gym? Why has it never been mentioned before? Why has nobody ever been in there until now? None of these questions are answered. "Holly's fanny is fluttering at the guns" says James "Too bad these guns are for Worldie's only" If I had guns I would shoot everyone on this show and then myself
Sophie and Gary talk about Charlotte. Apparently he slept in her bed last night? Weird. "I miss her, but only because I haven't banged anyone in a while" Gary says, still a real classy dude. He then goes to Charlotte's house to bring her back. She's doing the ironing, in a rare case of continuity. Clever! Gary says everyone misses her, she goes to pack her stuff to come back. Gary gets a dressing down from her mother (because it worked so well last time) and they drive back to the house
Ricci Sophie and James get called out to spray tan, and one of the women there is the one James fucked last time. What a coincedence! "Isn't that the girl that stopped James from being gay?" Sophie asks. Oh sweetheart, she didn't stop that. They go out and talk for a bit where James says he wouldn't bang her and then never see her again, despite the fact that was the whole idea
Charlotte returns and everyone is happy. Even though Gary left to get Charlotte before the others went to work, the people from work get back before Charlotte does. They really could have edited this better. Everyone stays in that night, and Gary and Charlotte end up in bed. Just to talk this time! Gary actually asks her out and she is wary. "He's a little too boring for my wild and crazy self" She's been back 10 minutes and I'm already sick of her "So I've decided to go to the fuck hut and jump on Gary's cock" THAT WAS WHY YOU LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FUCKING IDIOT AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH
Then everyone goes out. I'm not sure if a day goes by since the last scene or if they all stay in and then decide to go out. Again, really poorly edited. The girl James fucked and spray tanned is also in the club when they get there in a series of wild coincedences I can barely wrap my mind around. Holly isn't best pleased so I hope the coincedences continue. Gary is talking to a girl and Charlotte decides two can play at that game. Sadly for her, the guy she goes to is interested in Holly. Sadly for him as well I guess
They get back to the house and Gary isn't happy. "I want to get with Charlotte away from everyone else. Holly has a lad back for the first time in forever, and James has brought that girl back again. So why the fuck are Vicki and Ricci in the fuck hut? That's just selfish!" Yes, after what happened last time, absolutely nothing has changed with them! It's fucking compelling television, let me tell you. Charlotte and Gary go to the shower to fuck, while James takes his girl to his room
The problem is James shares a room with Holly, who also brought someone back. James is in the middle of banging when Holly and her guy walks in. They start fucking too, and Holly makes these really fake orgasm noises which makes James start laughing when he's fucking the girl he's with. It's fucking surreal. I don't want to watch this anymore
Vicky calls her boyfriend and arranges to meet him later so she can tell him she likes Ricci. Sophie then gives an extended metaphor about it being a triangle that goes on for like a minute and fuck off lady. Why does everyone in the Geordie Shore house love extneded metaphors and why are they so fucking shit at them? Sophie calls her boyfriend at 5, and he says he's on the train but he won't get into Newcastle until 10. Where the fuck is he!? It takes 3 hours to get from Newcastle to London on the train. I know since I've done it a load of times. Why the fuck does he have to take a long train ride anyways? Are they having a long distance relationship? Why is nothing ever explained!?
Sophie gets another call later and her boyfriend says he missed the train. She actually does call him out on this since he fucking clearly said he was on the train. Apparently he meant to say he was on the tube, but now he's missed his train. So he's in London after all. It is a long distance relationship. Couldn't this be mentioned a lot fucking earlier!? "What is so wrong with me that he doesn't want to see me!?" she asks. There's not enough time in the world
Holly Rebecca and Charlotte have a conversation about gender equality which I can't even begin to describe. It pretty much justifies sticking through all of Geordie Shore just to reach this point though. At the end they start their own feminist group called FAST - Females Are Strong, True. Nothing in that last sentence was a lie. "I should be a feminist" Charlotte says. "Don't you have to be a lesbian to be one of them?" Holly replies. This is it. This is the exact moment Geordie Shore jumped the shark. They cannot top this moment
"I hope he sees this from my point of view and see how hard it has been for me" Vicky says before she meets her boyfriend to tell him it's over because she wants to get with some other guy she's been sleeping with for weeks now. I somehow doubt he will. "I'm dying inside right now" he says when she explains it all. If he really wants to experience that he should watch this show. If you guessed that nothing really changes then guess what!
Everyone else goes out, and Jay's ex turns up in another bizarre coincedence. Rebecca, who previously told Jay she likes him but not enough to have sex with him, is furious. "She probably thinks she's dead clever. She's not" Rebecca says. Everyone is dead clever when compared to you. "James probably thiks he's safe, but he's not. I'm like The Predator, I always get what I want" Holly says, clearly having never seen any of the Predator movies "I can climb over any barrier to get to James, the only thing stopping me is him being sober" she continues. You're a fucking idiot
Vicki gets back home and tells Ricci that she stayed with her boyfriend. She then goes to the fuck hut with him. Why does this show have to be so hypocritical and contradictory? When she doesn't have sex with him he storms off though, so hopefully this boring story can finally stop. Holly gets into bed with James, and they fuck. Halfway through he stops, realises what he's done and leaves. Jay Gary and Rebecca then laugh at him
The next day Jay takes Rebecca to the beach to try and sort themselves out. If you think nothing gets agreed upon then you're absolutely fucking right. It's Ricci's mother's birthday, so he takes Vicky Gary and Charlotte to her party. It's only when they get there that Gary realises that Vicky and Ricci will probably fuck tonight and it's going to be really awkward in the morning. He's proved wrong, because Vicky and Ricci are all over each other when they are eating and it gets really awkward before the sex
Back at the house, James and Rebecca swap rooms because he doesn't trust Holly. Backat Ricci's, Gary and Charlotte go to bed and Charlotte farts and apparently it stinks and she finds it so funny she pisses herself in bed. Gary starts freaking out, not only because she is a fucking psycho but because Ricci's grandmother sleeps in this bed normally. Charlotte finds this so funny she pisses herself some more. Pissssssssssssss
In the other room Ricci and Vicky have sex. The show then ends. I wish my life would too
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