HELLOOOOOO BROTHER! *flexes*

Once again my fellow patriot and George W Bush voter Daniel Hopper has decided to help me look at nerds online. It was a poor decision for many reasons



Paul Hardy: Is that Dustin Diamond on the left?

Daniel Hopper: Whoever he is he's waaaaaaay too smug looking for a guy wearing
chainmail.

Daniel Hopper: The guy on the right has one of those problem faces. Like as if
his face is going through foundation issues and sinking into his neck. I had
those once. I hope he's got a big stockpile of money hidden away 'cause face
foundations are important and the guys who fix them are well aware of that
fact.

Paul Hardy: The guy in the middle is LARP dad. He liks AFI and tries to hang
with his kids who think he's a huge dork, so he goes away on the second sunday
of every month to hang with the real cool kids

Daniel Hopper: FUCK YOU LARP DAD! I PEREFER MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND DnD DAD MORE
THAN YOU!

Paul Hardy: DnD DAD ALSO WEARS CHAINMAIL BUT HE LETS ME SMOKE WHEN MOM IS OUT!

Paul Hardy: Is the dude in the middle wearing a shiny glove? Is he LARPing for
the memory of Michael Jackson?

Daniel Hopper: Alas ser Jackson of Michael I shall slay the demon and avenge
ye but first i must pick up mine spawn and their bastard step sister who's
burgeoning sexuality scares me.

Daniel Hopper: Honestly, I think it might just be his amazingly white skin

Paul Hardy: Actually, the middle guys glove looks more like a prosthetic now

Daniel Hopper: Yeah I dont think he's wearing a glove

Daniel Hopper: The advanced LARPer knows that gloves doth loosen ones grip
upon a challace of THE DEW

Paul Hardy: He has a ring on his middle finger OH MY GOD ITS THE GOATMAN

Daniel Hopper: This is the saddest photo I've ever seen. I bet the
photographer was so haunted by what he saw and the fact that he did nothing to
stop it that he commited suicide like the guy who photographed that starving
african child being watched by a vulture

Daniel Hopper: The Larp went well but alas, Larp Dad and his squire were
felled, making fat Ron Pearlman's victory bittersweet

Daniel Hopper: JESUS CHRIST LARP DAD TAKE YOUR NU-METAL EAR PLUGS OUT YOU'RE
BREAKING CHARACTER!

Paul Hardy: Uhhh, LARP Dad is clearly an elf and they gain a bonus to their
hearing, which is represented by the ear plugs. Read the rule book, idiot

Paul Hardy: Honestly, I never saw the appeal of those ear plugs and I don't
think I ever will

Daniel Hopper: That's easy to say in hindsight but looking back I dont
understand the appeal of Limp Bizkit and yet there's a copy of chocolate
starfish tucked away somewhere in the garage

Daniel Hopper: I admire LARP dads commitment. When I think I look like a prick
I change what I'm wearing, but not him. He stands by his convictions

Paul Hardy: You say that but I don't think you've ever worn a cloak. The cloak
takes things to a whole new level

Daniel Hopper: It gives him +4 to sexhaving resistance

Daniel Hopper: I wish I knew what was going on here. I mean it probably is a
LARP but we'll never know for sure

Paul Hardy: There's something off about the guy on the right. Either he's been
photoshopped in or he is a ghost

Daniel Hopper: Yeah, he doesnt belong there. It looks like he's been spliced
in to cover up someone else, like one of the doctered Soviet photos

Paul Hardy: A guy dressed up as a dwarf except he came in black face because
"Dwarves are the blacks of LARP! Right guys!?" and everyone was embarrassed so
fat guy here gets photoshopped in

Daniel Hopper: Ghost dude shows up and thinks he's haunting the past

Daniel Hopper: James used to be in the photo but he didn't have any time for
larping after he met Debbie

Daniel Hopper: LARP dad looks like the type of guy who'd feel his friends not
showing up at every renfair style event he hosts is the deepest of betrayals
and then photoshop them out of his life

Paul Hardy: Just like my ex wife THAT BITCH taking away my kids. I tried
talking to the druids to cast a curse on her but they refused. God I miss my
kids

Daniel Hopper: DRUIDS DONT CAST CURSES YOU DWEEB! HE'D WANT TO SPEAK TO A
PRACTIONER OF BLOOD MAGIC NOT A FUCKING DRUID CHRIST!

Paul Hardy: Trap sprung you fucking nerd! How about you thow yourself into the
locker to save me the effort?

Daniel Hopper: fffffffffffffffffffUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!




Daniel Hopper: Welcome to prison

Paul Hardy: I'd ask why he has the kool aid guy tattooed below his belly
button but I feel like I should know why already

Daniel Hopper: Yeah that's right i want two iron crosses at the top of my
chest (in this day and age, really?) and the cool aid guy down on the cusp of
my genital region

Daniel Hopper: This guy is like 46 and clearly proud of his tatoos.
Conclusion; he is a racist manchild

Paul Hardy: Does that say OJ dead? I get that he's racist but if anyone else
is also going to kill their wife its going to be this guy

Daniel Hopper: You think this is a file photo released by the police?

Daniel Hopper: If I'm not mistaken he's got two cartons of kreatine 'buff up'
weight training powder on his desk there. No weight lifting equipment in sight

Paul Hardy: You want to know what is probably the worst thing about this?

Daniel Hopper: All of it?

Paul Hardy: I have an even worse tattoo picture right here



Daniel Hopper: No. Why would you do this?

Daniel Hopper: You sure that isnt some sort of rub on tween transfer tattoo?

Paul Hardy: Why would anyone put a rub on transfer tattoo on the back of their
neck?

Daniel Hopper: Why would anyone tattoo that on the back of their neck?

Paul Hardy: Because people who like Harry Potter are 1) children willing to do
stupid things and 2) manchildren completely obsessed with books aimed at
children

Daniel Hopper: That's not fair, most Harry Potter fans are probably normal
people, but the ones who take it too far are crazy

Paul Hardy: You only ever see the crazy ones since most normal Harry Potter
fans have enough shame to not bring the topic up

Daniel Hopper: Do you think they got the HP done first and then added the
writing after too many people kept confusing it with the brand of brown sauce?

Paul Hardy: They were sick of people saying "HP? Oh yeah, like Final Fantasy
and shit?" URGH NO IT IS HARRY POTTER GOD FUCK YOU LARP DAD YOU KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT ME AAAAAAAAARGH

Daniel Hopper: Well done on making LARP dad a sympathetic character



Paul Hardy: I took this picture. Seconds later that guy was dead. You're
welcome

Daniel Hopper: Man see's goatse for the first time

Daniel Hopper: I got this photo from a post your pic thread so not only does
it exist but it is a photo a person wants associated with him

Daniel Hopper: This could only have been taken at a nerdcore event of some
sort

Paul Hardy: It looks like he has no face, just one really large neck

Daniel Hopper: He looks like Beaker from the Muppets, if Beaker smoked a
shitload of weed

Paul Hardy: And also if I hated Beaker

Daniel Hopper: It's the wanting people to see this photo thing I dont
understand. Lord knows I take a terrible photograph but I don't post them all
on the internet and shout "Look at me!"

Paul Hardy: Maybe he wanted to skip the getting to know him part and get
straight to everyone hating him?

Paul Hardy: I like how he's clearly at this event by himself, but everyone has
grouped up without him so hes left wandering by himself

Daniel Hopper: He took the photo himself by just dropping his camera to the
floor

Paul Hardy: He went to the event by himself just to take this picture to prove
to the internet he went outside

Daniel Hopper: Enough, I dont want to look at him anymore



Daniel Hopper: The guy on the left isnt as into it as the other two. Actually,
neither's the guy on the right

Daniel Hopper: You got a problem with this picture? This picture right here is
an oasis of style, elegance and fashion. Everything about it owns but the bird
is fantastic. You could say the bird is the 'coop' de grace HAHAHAHA

Paul Hardy: It was on the first page of google image search for "steampunk"

Daniel Hopper: Nah this aint steampunk, this is some chill dudes having a good
time

Paul Hardy: I literally searched for steampunk and I got this. The file is
called steampunkwhatevernumber and theres a whole gallery of steampunk with
these dudes

Daniel Hopper: Oh man link me to that shit. You know I need steampunk pics to
help me feel better about myself and combat my cripplingly low self esteem

Paul Hardy: No my friend. I'm sorry but I tricked you with this picture. This
is an intervention

Daniel Hopper: Fuck, not again

Paul Hardy: I know you hate white people. I do too, but you hate white people
so much that every black person is cool in comparison. I'm sorry, but it does
not work this way. These dapper gents are steampunkers. You need to accept
this

Daniel Hopper: Whatever, maybe thats so but this is steampunk I can get behind

Paul Hardy: You will never find steampunk like this outside of this photo.
Except maybe in the other ones I found of these 3 walking around New York
wearing these exact clothes



Daniel Hopper: Awwww I know what this is cosplay of. It's the crossdressing
section of FF7

Paul Hardy: Correct

Daniel Hopper: Fuck my fucking life

Daniel Hopper: Look at the dudes arms man, this guy is clearly too buff to
cosplay Cloud

Paul Hardy: The thing about this is I have another picture of this guy in a
different costume and...well...I'll show you




Paul Hardy: I'll give you a clue - he isnt the fat black Boss and he isnt the
singer from Gogol Bordello either

Daniel Hopper: WE AREN'T DOING THIS TO LOOK AT PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE BUFF THAN
WE ARE, IF I WANTED THAT I'D LOOK AT LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD

Daniel Hopper: Holy shit, that dude is just amazingly buff. Good for him

Paul Hardy: The dude is buff as heck and he dresses up in drag as a Final
Fantasy character and also as Liquid Snake. Most people cosplay because they
arent buff as fuck, he is and still does it. He's like Blade, he walks both
sides of the world

Daniel Hopper: HE'S GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT! He looked in the mirror one
morning and realised that he could be the buffest dude in cosplay. I salute
him and his washboard abs

Daniel Hopper: I feel bad for skinny Snake, although to be fair, that's some
pretty good cosplay of a nes sprite

Paul Hardy: Really, I just wanted to make fun of the fat Boss in the middle

Daniel Hopper: The Biggest Boss

Paul Hardy: "Paramedic, is it ok if I eat all the chocolate?" "No Snake, you
need to keep your strength up in the jungle" "....Uh oh"

Daniel Hopper: "Paramedic I think I'm about to fall into a hypoglycemic state
what should I do?" "For fucks sake, Snake"

Paul Hardy: "Quick paramedic, I forgot to bring my insulin over the Russian
border!"

Daniel Hopper: Look at us, acting like he would ask Paramedic if food is safe
to eat

Paul Hardy: "Snake, you need to stop Big Boss" "No colonol, not until I finish
dubbing this weeks Naruto!"

Paul Hardy: I dont want to make fun of him too much though, in case Buff
Liquid comes to find us

Daniel Hopper: I do not wanna fuck with Buff Liquid

Daniel Hopper: "OI YOU GEEZERS MAKIN FUN OF FAT BOSS! HE'S GOT A THYROID
PROBLEM YOU WANKERS! *murders us with his patented crippler crossface*

Paul Hardy: He was wearing a dress before, so it's believable for him to wear
a bra while he murders us. Although you connecting the dots between buff
Liquid here and Chev Chelios does not make me feel comfortable about my life
expectancy

Daniel Hopper: Why, Liquid was meant to be British

Paul Hardy: I think buff British dude, I think of Chev Chelios. Although thats
not saying much, it's not often where I dont think of chev chelios

Daniel Hopper: I think of Chev Chelios every night before I fall asleep and
every morning when I wake up




Paul Hardy: The best cosplay

Daniel Hopper: Scorpion looks like he's having a fatality performed on him

Paul Hardy: Putting the fat into fatality

Daniel Hopper: Finish Him! *Kano sits back and waits for a massive cardiac
arrest to do its work*

Paul Hardy: Liu Kang throws some bacon off a cliff and watches as Scorpion
barrels over the edge after them

Daniel Hopper: Scorpion rises from a portal from the underworld only to get
stuck halfway. Jonny Cage wins by forefit

Paul Hardy: "Get over here!" Scorpion shouts "Seriously, you have to come
here. I'm too winded to even move anymore"

Daniel Hopper: I'm not comfortable here 'cause I can see a scenario in which
Reptile, Sub Zero and Ermac track us down and beat the shit out of us for
laughing at their friend. I predicted it would happen in a dream last night

Paul Hardy: Buff Liquid and the 3 Mortal Kombat ninjas camping outside my
house, waiting for me to leave

Daniel Hopper: Jokes on them, then



Paul Hardy: Cosplay - where everyone is either too fat or too thin to really
be anyone

Daniel Hopper: YOU KIDS GET BACK HERE YOU AREN'T GOING OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT!

Paul Hardy: I think all of these are women

Daniel Hopper: Yeah, I was playing guess the gender too. It's hard when you've
only heard stories about what women look like :(

Paul Hardy: Just like Cloud from FF7 I'm really not sure of the gender though

Daniel Hopper: Yeah, I mean the hair is shit but all in all that's basically
Cloud irl. Vincent is spot on too. I dunno who the other two are, but the one
on the right needs to buy an iron though, Jesus Christ!

Paul Hardy: I think the one on the right is meant to be Sheena from Tales of
Symphonia

Daniel Hopper: To be fair to these people, it's not entierly their fault.
Anime characters do not work in the real world. Least not until the anime
singularity occurs

Paul Hardy: I get that waiting for the anime reality to begin is difficult,
but come on guys!

Paul Hardy: You know, its my dream to go to one of these conventions. If the
women are willing to do things like this, then at least one of them will have
such low self esteem to sleep with me

Daniel Hopper: Slow down there Assange! That's sexually agressive and I dont
like where this is heading

Paul Hardy: You arent a lawyer, no matter what you tell strangers!

Daniel Hopper: I don't want to prosecute you, I'm just not in the mood for
another of your sexually agressive stories. For future reference, that's
basically my default mood

Paul Hardy: Every story is sexually agressive when you are an asexual eunuch

Daniel Hopper: Back to your earlier point, I'd like to go to one of these
things too. I'd like to be the most confident person in a room for once in my
life. Although dressing up like that takes a lot of confidence. Scratch that,
I want to be the most mentally stable person in a room for once in my life




Daniel Hopper: HOWDY INTERNET

Daniel Hopper: I hope this picture finds it's way into the email account of
anybody considering this man as a viable candidate for employment

Paul Hardy: People who take pictures like these are the worst. They have to
show what wacky and random people they are to everyone, or else how will
people know they are funny!?

Daniel Hopper: I like the photo behind him in which the people are so
disgusted by what he's doing they cant watch

Paul Hardy: I just took a picture of me with a dildo on my head! Oh ho ho,
what wont I do!?

Paul Hardy: Have a girlfriend, for a start

Paul Hardy: Shave

Paul Hardy: See me driving towards at him at speeds well over the legal limit

Paul Hardy: Make his parents proud of him

Daniel Hopper: Not use that dildo on himself

Paul Hardy: Ask non white people directions if he ever gets lost

Paul Hardy: Think video games are higher art

Paul Hardy: Rape a woman, but if a woman gets raped then she probably deserved
it

Daniel Hopper: I SAID NONE OF YOUR SEXUALLY AGRESSIVE VIEWS!

Daniel Hopper: I look at this photo and all i want to do is shave

Paul Hardy: If I had to guess, you got this from the xkcd forums

Daniel Hopper: Nah, the ctrl alt del forums

Daniel Hopper: You'd be surprised how many ctrl alt del fans are in the army
or dress up as if they were in the army

Paul Hardy: Are you saying that people in the army are stupid manchildren too
afraid of missing a joke so they gather around places where the joke is
explained to them before the joke has been made?

Daniel Hopper: If the joke is murdering civillians

Paul Hardy: The joke is never murdering civilians, but in the army the
punchline usually is

Daniel Hopper: Look at it this way. CaD is: anti-women, homophobic, needlesly
violent, cautious not to treat black people with too much respect, not as
funny as it thinks it is. Thats the army bro

Paul Hardy: I really cant argue with that




Daniel Hopper: The saddest nerd

Daniel Hopper: E3.jpeg

Daniel Hopper: jorts.jpeg

Daniel Hopper: busy_day_at_the_bitcoin_bank.jpeg

Paul Hardy: I can sense this guys story just from looking at him. His moms
house burned down when the computers in the basement he was using to mine for
bitcoins over heated

Daniel Hopper: Nah, he carried a printer all the way to this girls house and
she wouldn't sleep with him as a reward

Paul Hardy: I can see why they want to be known as anonymous now

Daniel Hopper: I would disown a child for lesser sins than what this guy is
wearing

Paul Hardy: Imagine the pit stains this guy will be rocking

Daniel Hopper: This dude is the reason people hate the West

Daniel Hopper: Devestated, Ian looks on as angry protestors overturn a hotdog
stand.

Paul Hardy: "War" he is quoted as saying afterwards "War never changes"

Daniel Hopper: Homeless people mug him for his shirt which they use as a
shelter

Paul Hardy: A family of rats vacate this guys jorts, saying they dont live up
to their lofty standards of living

Daniel Hopper: I wonder what he's so sad about. Seriously, something has hit
this guy pretty hard

Paul Hardy: Maybe LARP dad has disowned him?

Daniel Hopper: That bastard!

Daniel Hopper: "LARP dad caught me playing DnD 4th edition, can I come stay
with you for a few days?"

Paul Hardy: "Jokes on him, I had to use his cloak as toilet paper since the
usual stuff wasn't big enough"

Daniel Hopper: I'm gonna print this out and put it next to a picture of people
starving in Africa and make mad money on the modern art scene

Paul Hardy: Photoshop this guy looking at the starving African child instead
of the vulture

Daniel Hopper: Get ready to dive into a Scrooge McDuck style money pit!

Paul Hardy: Just so long as it is all bitcoins

Daniel Hopper: He just got off the phone. Steve was able to download the
latest Naruto but he could only find dubs. BAKA!



Daniel Hopper: This dude just got done fucking his cat

Paul Hardy: Jesus man, you could have given me a heads up here

Daniel Hopper: I love Star Wars as much as the next guy, but episode I
bedsheets?! C'mon dude!

Paul Hardy: Everything about this picture is wrong. It's the anti goatse

Daniel Hopper: His cat looks remorseful

Paul Hardy: You want to see remorseful? I'll post a picture of me looking at
this picture

Daniel Hopper: It has given me an idea for a tumbler though; twinks with cats.

Daniel Hopper: I know that there's a lot to work with here and that this photo
could be really funny but I can't. I just can't muster up the strength to mock
it. It has sapped my will to live

Paul Hardy: I know exactly what you mean. This is just grody man, can we just
stop?

Daniel Hopper: Please

Paul Hardy: I'd rather risk having some other people try to kill us than look
at this dude any more

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it never really was the best of times

The News of the World dies today. Edition #8,674. Started 1843. How such a piece of shit like that could last so long is beyond me, but as it's life support is finally pulled, it decides to be nostalgic for it's very last edition. Boldly proclaiming itself "The world's greatest newspaper" on the very front cover, you'd forgive me if I don't believe it. Calling something the world's greatest newspaper is a backhanded compliment at the best of times, but I doubt the world's greatest newspaper would be shut down due to hacking the phonelines of the parents of dead children in the first place

It actually has a George Orwell quote on page 3. I'll save you the bother of typing it up, since they only use it because he mentions the newspaper. You'll see this a lot - it drags famous people but only when it mentions itself. I wasn't really sure you could be vain in retrospection but it manages it somehow. The entire opening article is "Here are some things we've reported - aren't we great?" ignoring the fact that literally every other newspaper also reported the exact same stories

Now I don't want to be accused of being a bandwagoner here. I've read the News of the World for years. I can say without a shadow of a doubt the paper is garbage, and has been for years. Only the most boring celebrity drivel, wild accusations of drugs and affairs, random sheik's turning up and then making their excuses. The News of the World has had lots of this, and they've all been shit. It gives washed up has been celebrities an open day to try and be relevant, whether it was racist cancer ridden mong Jade Goody or worthless scouse cokehead Kerry Katona - these are the real exclusives the paper has got, because nobody else gives a shit

Even when it mentions the phone hacking scandal in the article, it ignores why everyone is so outraged. It brushes all of that aside and pleads that "history will eventually judge us on all our years" I'll be getting onto their history later in a fucking 48 page pullout of all their "best" stories, but as I've already mentioned and will keep mentioning - it has been shit

Now if I went through the entire paper I'll be here all day and this will end up being a dissertation - it's over 100 pages today. It will eventually go into the "news" for what that is worth, but it is mostly looking back and giving themselves a pat on the back. Pages 4+5 are about the fake sheik and all the "good" he's done. 6+7 are all the causes they've started, from Sarah's Law (Yes NotW, Sarah's Law was passed entirely by you. You did all of it. Congrats) to 7/7 compensation, our countries9/11 except not as bad, to that woman from Eastenders whose brother was stabbed. Remember her? She was a lesbian for a bit and then she died or something

Page 8 has a collection of tweets from people outraged the paper is no more. Surprise surprise, fat shithead Piers Morgan is unhappy about it! Didn't he used to work there? Hmmm! Notice they never mention anything negative about the paper being shut down, it'sall very sympathetic. Bless. Page 9 is full of famous women with their tits out. It'stook 9 pages of awful self congratulation but we've finally started to reach what this paper is all about

But that stops for now, as in no particular order - Prince William misses his mum. Princess Diana will be a theme that will continue throughout the paper, and the theme is abject boredom. He also wishes David Beckham luck, since Victoria is about to give birth. NEWS! Nextpage we have picturesof Prince Harry's new girlfriend wearing not much, and then a story about Chelsea not letting players hair dressers into the training ground. Next page has story about the average amount of gold in our homes (Two and a half grands worth, or enough to give Ron Paul a semi) and next we have a story about Coronation Street losing viewers

That's 15 pages and we've had nothing but awkward self congratulation and worthless filler stories. There has not been a single story in that space that could even be described as news, never mind news for the world's greatest newspaper. Page 16 has Gwyneth Paltrow on a beach, when everyone would much rather have her head ina box, and on page 17 we have our fake sheik at it again - this time infiltrating a fat Bulgarian sex slave. Betty Ford's death gets pushed into the corner of page 17, the former first lady of America dying having the indignity of having less space than Kate Moss' honeymoon

Carole Malone, a person most people have no idea exists, then writes an entire fucking page about absolutely nothing. She is worthless. Carole Malone, you seem to me like the kind of person who searches your own name so let me tell you now that I hate you. You have been writing in the paper for ages and you have never once even came close to an interesting thought. Your opinion on anything is as worthless as your very existence. Now the paper has died it would be too mean for me to say I wish you will as well, so I'll just think that instead

Next up - the celeb page! Yes, all the celebrity stuff before now wasn't realceleb gossip, this is the only page for that! The guy from here gets points for disliking Lily Allen, but loses them for his topten showbiz scoops - Jordan's second husband being on verge of suicide? Noel Fielding being a drug addict? One of the fat bastards from Blue says he's bisexual, and so is Pink? Charlotte Church gets divorced? It's like a who's who of nobodies flailing wildly for attention. Only in the News of the World

Next page - some loser from the Apprentice has a business that isn't doing well. He gets a two page spread. Nextage tells us Blackpool is the best place for a holiday. A whole page. Katy Perry buys a new house gets half a page next, with the BBC paying it's "fatcats" lots of money gets the other half. 30 pages now and only 2 pages have anything even resembling a news story

It's TV critic is next, although I always liked reading it since he always puts in some kind of burn on Piers Morgan. Next page headline is, I shit you not "Custard biscuit, fish fingers and smiley potato faces named as our greatest inventions" Well done Britain, we will soon reach the days of imperialism soon! Next we have a varied collection of stories - weird face sometimes prostitute never actor Billie Piper says she does not want another child! Dermot O Leary says he begged ITV to be on his new awful TV show! "Soap legend" Sarah Lancashire unhappy about amount of reality TV on the air! Nonentities giving nonstories to a nonnewspaper!

Next we have 48 pages of NotW headlines. My favourite is "DIANA DEAD" if only because a certain other newspaper fails to believe that. We also have Hugh Grant's affair with the prostitute, which is funny since he has been one of the most vocal people against the News of the World recently for being disgusting. It's like watching Saddam chastise Gaddafi for murdering his own people. A WORLD EXCLUSIVE of a woman pregnant with octuplets refusing to give up six of them to save the other two. All 8 eventually died. Lady, thats what happens when you try and give birth to calamari

John Leslie doing coke, Beckham cheating, Gordon Ramsey cheating. Oh, here's something interesting. Pig faced racistmong Jade Goody gives NotW an exclusive talk about her cancer. Reports the interview was "I'm dying innit" and they made up the rest was both made up entirely here and then denied. A picture of a bed that Michael Jackson died in - not nearly as interesting as the small boy he died in. Kerry Katona's "shame" of being a cokehead is next - they somehow manage to narrow it down to one newspaper rather than the several she's been on the front page for being photographed doing cocaine

Peter Crouch cheats, Wayne Rooney cheats, Ricky Hatton doing coke, Liz Hurley cheats, Ryan Giggs cheats. If you take out any mention of cocaine, affair or sheik then News of the World will probably not have a front page for the past 20 years. The back page of the paper has a picture of Bobby Moore raising the world cup in 1966, our only sporting triumph the entire time the paper was running. Gawd bless England

There. You don't need to buy or read the last edition of the paper. Anything worth reading (Fat Bulgarian pimp) has been mentioned, and lots of shit not worth reading has as well. There will be no more. It'll come back around, maybe not necesarily as the News of the World, but something of its ilk will return. Journalism is dying, and although the antics of this newspaper has put another nail into it's coffin, it will still try its best to live for a bit longer. And we need something like the News of the World to exist - if we don't have "the world's greatest newspaper" around, how are we to know what increasingly low standards are tolerated?

GORGE ISN'T HAPPY!

With the World's most wanted man finally dead, I'd imagine the blogosphere is going crazy with conspiracy theories and celebatory pats on the back for a job well done. I imagine that because 1) I'm not dumb enough to even start reading it and 2) The blogosphere is still the stupidest goddamn name for anything ever.

Me, I'm aking things down a different route. I'm going to write about the Seinfeld porn movie. Why? Fuck you, that's why.

WARNING - if you hate me talking about Seinfeld or dissecting humour, then don't bother reading this. Nothing stops a joke from being funny than explaining the humour, and I'm going to do it a lot in here. I'm gonna try and make sure there's no titties or dicks in the pictures but they'll still be some of a NSFW nature so there's that

First up I want to bring up the fact that this movie is two and a half hours long. If you want to watch a porn movie for two and a half hours then this is the porn movie for you. This porn movie was literally made for you. If you enjoyed the TV show Seinfeld (as you probably should) then you should never want to see this.

The whole idea of these porn parodys is baffling. You don't want to watch characters you like fuck each other, especially when the people who are fucking don't look like them at all. If you do want to watch your favourite TV characters fucking then go to Deviantart or something. Artistically its the same and you'll be saving yourself a lot of time as well.

Right, first line that Jerry...wait, no. It's not Jerry Seinfeld. It's Gerry Seinfeld! Haha, yes! Parody laws allow this movie to exist by the name of Seinfeld, but none of the characters are allowed to have the same names! The movie has barely started and the joke is clearly on me!

Anyways, Gerry says "What's the deal with the -ography at the end of pornography?". That is literally the first line of the movie. We are 14 seconds into this 2 and a half hour long monstrosity and I already want to quit. He mentions -ography means "to study something" and gives geography as an example. He then brings up the point that it should maybe be called dickography. Haha! He means masturbation! Because he's studying his penis and not the porn! There is no hint of subtlety at all and he literally says these things! That is the opening 43 seconds. Zero laughs

Alright, so sometimes the actual Jerry stand up opening wasn't that great either. It can be funny sometimes, but a lot of the time it's not, which explains why they eventually stopped with the stand up opening and replaced it with a short skit involving some of the characters. It often doesn't have any relevance to the rest of the episode, it was just a funny scene they couldn't fit into an episode so they just throw it there. It's short, inconsequental and fun. The movie is only one of these things. On a related note my penis is two of those things, which makes it better than this movie

Jerry: ...And that's why you'll never see a three headed dildo
Elaine: Because of the space-time continium?
Jerry: Exactly! The government will never allow it to exist!

You remember those conversations in Seinfeld? The camera started rolling halfway through so you only got the back end of the conversation. The contents of the conversation were sometimes ridiculous, but they always followed through in a believable way. The above conversation in the movie could just be

Jerry: Stupid porn idea
Elaine: Monkey cheese?
Jerry: Purple dishwasher!

I can't wait to see who wrote this. Also as an FYI, Elaine is called Elena in this. I will be referring to her as Elaine because fuck the stupid parody name shit

One of the most popular episodes of Seinfeld is the Soup Nazi episode. For those of you who haven't saw the episode, a new soup kitchen opens up but the owner is very intense, to the point of intimidation. But the soup the guy makes is the best soup in the world, so everyone puts up with it, except Elaine because nobody is her boss and also because she's an awful person. Humour can be found from this situation.

I'm mentioning this because if you take "soup" from that episode and replace it with "porn" that is the story to this movie. He's a porn nazi. He is very intense about porn. The guy owns a porn store. This is a thing that happens. I will point out that the porn nazi is the character who most resembles his real show counterpart, which is sad when you consider the guy was in one fucking episode. He's played by Evan Stone

The porn nazi scares the customer ahead of them off, and Jerry asks Elaine how he looks. Her response is "What's the opposite of a man?" It's a child, Elaine. The opposite of a man is a child. In the show Elaine is the one who usually puts down other people in a jokey sort of way, since that is part of her character. It's introduced early on and it keeps happening so you accept it as one of her traits. Nothing she has ever said in the show is as bad as "What's the opposite of a man?" She might as well have said "Like a big stupid dumb face idiot with poo poo all over your face"

The rest of the scene is exactly like it went in the TV show. Jerry goes to the counter sheepishly, asks for some porn, gets some, and he backs off quickly. Elaine goes to the counter and makes small talk. Porn nazi says "NO PORN FOR YOU!" and she leaves. Haha! Catchphrase!

HECK YES A SLAP BASS OVER A SHOT OF SOME APARTMENTS WE'RE REALLY WATCHING SEINFELD NOW I AM NOT EVEN JOKING WHEN I SAY THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE

Cut to Jerry's apartment. He is watching the porn he just bought. Elaine starts complaining about not being able to buy porn, but Jerry is too busy watching porn to listen. This is comedy. Elaine starts watching it too and also comments on how good it is. "I know! I got hard just watching the FBI Warning!" replies Jerry, in something resembling a joke. There are no more lines since the two of them start having sex.

Oh God, I actually have to talk about porn now? Jerry is played by a dude called James Deen. He does not look like Jerry Seinfeld. Elaine is played by Kristina Rose, who does not look like Elaine Bennet. There's nothing wrong with either of them, so to speak. It's not porn from the 90's where you have an ugly dude like Ron Jeremy fucking some young girl. She isn't bad looking, but she isn't stunning either. I'd hate to think they got the parts for their acting ability because they just don't look the people they are playing.

One more thing before I skip the porn part entirely, since it's quite frankly boring and I'm not spending 2 and a half fucking hours watching people fuck. They first kiss on the Three Minutes Seventeen Seconds mark. The fade to black after the cumshot happens at the Twenty Eight Minutes Eighteen Seconds mark. That's a Twenty Five Minute fucking scene, which is nearly one fifth of the movie gone already.

MORE SLAP BASS FUCK YES and we have George and Jerry in the apartment. George is watching porn, as he is known to do, and who pops in but KRAMER! They even have the little audience cheer for him as he slides into the room that I always hated because the dude was racist. He's got a lot of porn videos in his hand, and then he drops them onto Jerry's floor. OH THAT KRAMER!

I may as well mention George looks more like Newman than anyone else, and still looks awful. Kramer has the hair and the clothes but not the face and, more importantly, the mannerisms. Kramer was the fucking king at his little nervous hand twitches or the perfect facial expressions in response to stuff. This Kramer is some dude saying wacky shit and thinking it's a wrap. Also, George is now known as Gorge (seriously) and is played by a dude named Steve Pomerants. Kramer is Crammer (hurr) and is played by Eric John

Kramer says the porn isn't good enough for him, George tells him to make porn with the porn nazi, which is course is a great idea for Kramer

Kramer: How hard can it be? You just need cameras, fluffers, a bed...
Jerry: Logic, reasoning, the ability to communicate a rational thought

During the entire show, Kramer would come up with a stupid idea and Jerry would shut him down, not unlike what I transcribed there. However, in the show Jerry would always put something into his delivery, whether it be straight deadpan or the high pitched "THIS IS STUPID YOU ARE STUPID" voice which was always great. The guy who plays Jerry in the movie knocks that line out as if he's reading it for the first time. Go ahead, read his line out loud. Congrats, you put more effort into it than this guy's monotone delivery of a line that is the most accurate writing the movie has so far.

Kramer leaves so Jerry and George start talking about Jerry's new girlfriend. I didn't pick up her name because fuck paying attention, but George refers to her as "The orgasm girl" You see, she has orgasms easily. WHO WANTS TO GUESS WHERE THIS JOKE IS HEADING!? This is actually pretty accurate writing, aside from the smut which is kind of needless. Just because it's a porn movie doesn't mean it has to be about sex all the time guys. Jeez!

Now, Jerry picking tiny faults in his girlfriends and discussing them with George is about as close to Seinfeld canon as you could get. His high standards and general pickiness about everything is a mainstay, and George's jealousy to this is as well. "You get the squirter, moaner, squirter, moaner! What do I get!? A fiancee!"

George: I bet you twenty dollars the Pope gets more pussy than me!
Jerry: The old Pope or the new Pope? Because the new one is a real German player. With a cool hat!

Just when I was congratulating this on it's accurate writing. Please note I'm not typing down all of the bad "jokes" in here, so I skipped the one about George's Mother finding his fleshlight despite the fact he's engaged and, if we are going to Seinfeld canon, would be living with his fiancee at the time. Anyways, the power went out and his mother went for a flashlight and ended up with George's fleshlight. Oh the humanity!

Jerry's girlfriend comes in, and her name is Regina but he pronounces it like Vagina which is just fucking stupid. She then has an orgasm while talking to George, except she stops when George responds. She then leaves. I'll actually talk about her some more when her sex scene happens, since she is the first of two legit good looking women in the movie.

MORE BASS LINE SHIT YES and we're back at the porn store. The porn nazi is fighting with his assistant, who storms off after he says "NO PORN FOR YOU!" to her and then fires her. If you think it's funny now just wait, it gets funnier the more times he says it! Elaine tries to buy some more porn, porn nazi recognises her, she lies about it and he says his catchphrase again. His assistant then catches her attention and brings her into the side room of the store somehow, since it's right next to the porn nazi and there is no way she could walk in there without him seeing her.

His assistant asks Elaine if she wants to get back at the porn nazi, her response is "Yes! It's like he's untouchable. You know, like that movie. About Al Capone" His assistant says she can give Elaine his distributor number and then they have sex. Cool. Porn nazi's assistant is played by London Keys, an asian and so the internet says I'm meant to find her extremely attractive. Yellow fever y'all! Again skipping the sex because it's boring, but first kiss is at Thirty Two Minutes Twelve Seconds and the scene ends at Fourty Nine Minutes Fourty Seven Seconds. You start to realise now the movie is so long because the sex scenes are just needlessly long.

SLAP DAT BASS and Kramer is at a picnic site for some reason. The camera zooms out and he's actually on a porn set! Oh that Kramer! Two women are on a picnic table kissing and he does a double take. One of them I recognise as Sasha Grey, due to her being in the fucking awful Season 7 of Entourage. The other girl is Sadie West, I think. The two women have sex for a bit then the cameraman tells Kramer to get in there. He protests saying he's not the actor but does it anyways after looking straight into the camera and giving the worst "Giddyup!" I've ever heard. I have no idea how long the scene goes on for, and fuck trying to find out either, I'm sick of this shit.

MORE SLAP BASS I'M REALLY ENJOYING THE SLAP BASS HERE and we're back in Jerry's apartment. Kramer has a bed in the middle of it when Jerry walks in. You can pretty much come up with what happens next. Jerry is shocked and angry, Kramer ignores him. George walks out in a robe which causes Jerry to leave. George's fiancee Suzanne walks out in lingerie, who has this unfortunate condition of looking young in a close up but really old from a distance. I wonder if that is contagious? Kramer calls in a dude called Buck, George gets upset that this Buck character is going to fuck his fiancee. This next conversation is word for fucking word

Suzanne: Come on Gorge
Gorge: Fine, but Gorge isn't happy! *Gorge leaves* SERENITY NOW!

The scene goes on for about 19 minutes, and it would be really difficult to find it a turn on since the dude has bigger tits than the woman

I GET MORE SLAP BASS and cut back to Jerry's apartment with the bed gone and everything back in place. Jerry and Regina are on the couch watching TV. She has an orgasm while watching the news and this is the straw which breaks the camel's back for Jerry. Jerry starts listing the names of everywhere she has an orgasm while she walks off, with the last one he shouts being "Ground Zero". It's not very funny. Newman then comes in, who is called Noman for whatever reason and he looks like a fucking goon, he takes the tape Kramer filmed and then leaves. Fucking pointless.

Next scene is Newman and Regina at the porn nazi's store for some unexplainable reason. His assistant who he literally fired earlier on is still there too. I don't think the movie understands what continuity is. Newman still has Kramer's porn on him for some reason, and when the porn nazi asks what it is he drops it and runs away. Regina and the porn nazi then have sex. Regina is played by Ashlynn Brooke who, to be fair, is a stone cold hottie. This scene lasts about 20 minutes and, aside from an attractive woman getting fucked by a person everyone calls a nazi, it's pretty boring.

SLAP BASS and we're back at the porn store. Jerry and Kramer are standing in line when Kramer notices his porn movie being played on the TV. Newman and Regina walk out of the back room with the porn nazi. Kramer tells him he was meant to give the video to George and not sell it to the porn nazi. Newman and Regina leave, George and Suzanne walks in. they get upset about the porn movie being played and they argue except the editing makes it look really bad. The porn nazi then kicks them all out. Elaine decides she is in this movie again and saunters up to the counter. She starts naming off the movies his distributor gave him. He asks her what she wants, she replies that he's through. Just like in he episode with the soup nazi! Except in the episode Elaine ends up with all his recipies and puts it out there for anyone to make. In the movie she names names some porn titles. The end!

I'm serious, the movie cuts away to Jerry back on stage for his stand up routine to end things. First line is "What's the deal with fake boobs!?" and I'm so fucking glad this movie is over now. He keeps talking about fake tits and ends with "WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT!?" Then this girl named Sandra appears from nowhere, says "Are you talking about these?" while taking her coat off and the last 20 minutes is these two having sex on stage. Sandra is Cassandra Calogera if you remotely give a shit.

Now the only thing we need to know is who wrote this monstrosity. Wait a minute! Noooooooooooooooooo how could you!? No wonder he was kicked off the show when they went to college, the prick!

Hope you guys like Nerdcore!

Once again myself and my esteemed colleague and sometimes heroin user Daniel Hopper (D_Hoppers_Ghost on twitter) make fun of pictures because we are empty husks in the image of humans



Daniel Hopper: Nazis. I hate these guys.

Paul Hardy: A rare picture of Margaret Thatcher on her prom night

Daniel Hopper: This is where I have major problems with steampunk people. I
really think a large number of them use it as an excuse to dress like Nazis.
They can't openly display their love of Nazis but if they say it's steam punk
they'll be fine

Paul Hardy: Well there' not much steam related equipment on here so yeah, it's
just a nazi costume

Daniel Hopper: A branch of the Gestapo whose sole purpose is to find out who
ate the last of the chocolate eclairs.

Daniel Hopper: Corruption was clearly rife

Paul Hardy: I like how she isnt even wearing an eyepatch, but just stole a
bicycle bell off some poor kid and tied it over her eye

Daniel Hopper: If your steampunk persona (steamsona?) could affors such
elaborate eye patches, why couldnt they afford a decent false eye?

Paul Hardy: Wouldnt a steam powered eyepatch be a really backwards way of
handling you losing an eye anyways?

Daniel Hopper: Everything about steam punk is backwards

Paul Hardy: Where does the punk part of steampunk even come in?

Daniel Hopper: They're all really big Rancid fans.

Daniel Hopper: She's an adult woman and she's dressed like this. What the fuck
is up with the world we live in?

Paul Hardy: I refuse to believe she is an adult. If she sperged out and killed
someone she would not be tried as an adult

Daniel Hopper: What blows my mind is that a company watermarked this.

Paul Hardy: If the company sue us for using their picture without permission
I'm fairly sure I wont be tried as an adult either

Daniel Hopper: 'Thats a real nice psuedo-nazi photo steve, you worried about
thieves hosting it on the sites?'
'Not really Chris, i've got a few tricks up my sleeve'

Daniel Hopper: If she had been a Nazi a load of Jews could have escaped
opression by handing over their papers with a doughnut on top of them. She
nervously eyes the doughnut and then back at the people waiting to board the
train before snatching it away. 'Let these people on the train, they are not
Jewish'

Daniel Hopper: World War II Would have been totally different

Daniel Hopper: Schindler's Waist.

Paul Hardy: If only Mengele experimented with steam! The lives that would have
been saved, for the betterment of mankind!

Daniel Hopper: 'Ok, time to experiment on zee small Jewish ChildrACHTUNG!
MIENEN AUGEN! BLINDED BY MINE STEAM POWERED SPECTACLES! We must shut down
Auschwitz, our dreams for a Steampowered Reich have failed. Contact Chruchill,
tell him ve surrender'

Paul Hardy: A few years later America drops the first steam bomb onto Japan,
who in response dont make anime and instead focus entirely on steampunk
related items

Paul Hardy: what kind of horrible world have you created?

Daniel Hopper: The horror... the horror




Daniel Hopper: Ok Mom, don't take my photo until I'm firmly in my pose with my eyes shut!

Paul Hardy: Yes Mom, I do need to wear parachute pants to align my chi!

Daniel Hopper: What's the Western equivalent of this dude? I mean people from outside the West aren't so obsessed with our shitty culture that they totally immerse themselves in it. The closest we have is the Iraqis who shouted 'Mickey Mouse America number one' in the hopes it would prevent American troops from murdering their children.

Daniel Hopper: I'd love to see this guy in Japan. Awkwardly shuffling up to every Japanese woman he says and expecting them to fall all over him like in one of his animes.

Daniel Hopper: Fun fact, this was part of a collection titled 'Urban Samurai'

Paul Hardy: More like Keith Urban Samurai

Daniel Hopper: I'd be amiss if I didn't explain that this image came from a google image search for Nerdcore. Most the pictures returned we're of semi-naked women with strategically placed games controllers and they all came from gaming forums.

Daniel Hopper: Fucking gamers man

Paul Hardy: For every one of those pictures that exist there are hundreds of nerds who jerk off to them. They probably have a folder full of them, categorized by age of console

Daniel Hopper: http://www.destructoid.com/nerdcore-2-more-video-game-ladies-uncovered-25556.phtml#comments

Daniel Hopper: 'How can we objectify women more than we already do?'
'Have them hold a bunch of gaming related objects?'
'Post it!'

Paul Hardy: This is the least erotic thing ever

Daniel Hopper: It's really annoying me. I bet everyone of the people commenting on the photos would argue that it's empowering to women.

Paul Hardy: It's a bunch of semi naked women and I'm a huge stupid nerd who likes video games but this is just pointless. It paints nerds who play video games as stupid invalids who can only pop their disgusting boners if video games are involved

Daniel Hopper: Nerds are always, incorrectly, saying women don't play games. Women do play games its just what the nerds mean is 'attractive women don't play games with me and also have sex with me'

Paul Hardy: what other reason do nerds have to play video games with women if they dont have sex at the end?

Paul Hardy: Awww man, I bet there are a load of people who actually believe that sentiment

Daniel Hopper: Yeah, every gamer on the planet.




Daniel Hopper: And while we're talking about nerds, here's MC Frontalot who's definition of nerd seems to be 'office worker'

Paul Hardy: PICTURED - a guy who fronts a lot

Paul Hardy: That shirt just screams "works the checkout at mcdonalds"

Paul Hardy: "If I wasn'tso busy with my rap game I would totally be store manager at this point!"

Daniel Hopper: He just looks uncomfortable. As if he's constantly being goatsed for the first time.

Daniel Hopper: The device on his head tells him when there's a sexhaver near by allowing him to avoid tricky conversations with people who have actually had sex. MC Frontalot: Proving that sexual fustration doesn't always lead to good music.

Paul Hardy: I imagine he'd be the kind of guy who would love to see women covering up their bits with video game shit

Paul Hardy: "I don't know which one I'd play with first! THIS HAS GIVEN ME INSPIRATION FOR A NEW SONG"

Daniel Hopper: 'I'm pushing her buttons like a video game joystick/but she aint aroused, it's making her sick. I try putting it in like a 32X but she's knocking me back, I aint having no sex'

Paul Hardy: "Trying to get her all naked but she's happy with just talking / Down Right Fierce in my pants girl I hit you with my Hadoken"

Paul Hardy: I hate writing fake nerdcore lyrics because I always feel like they are too close to being real nerdcore lyrics and some idiot has made it already and I'm basically ghost writing actual nerdcore songs




Daniel Hopper: Photo taken before both parties went missing. Police suspect murder suicide

Paul Hardy: "Hey kid, here is a fun game to play! When your Mommy takes the picture I want us to switch facial expressions!"

Daniel Hopper: He looks sheepish because he knows he's not meant to be so close to child

Daniel Hopper: Why would anyone fashion their facial hair into such a shameful arrangement? I want to assume that it just grows like that. The thought of anyone even thinking about shaving their beard in this way and then doing it makes my head hurt

Paul Hardy: I'm sorry but nobodies beard grows that way. Time and effort has gone into that beard to groom it that way

Daniel Hopper: nooooooooooooo

Daniel Hopper: Maybe that's a good thing. Fuck knows what he'd do with his time otherwise

Paul Hardy: From the looks of it the guy in the white shirt in the background has saw whats happening and is off to the nearest payphone to call the police

Daniel Hopper: The look on his face say's 'No Bill. No, You have to speak out about this. He's gotten away with it too many times.'

Daniel Hopper: I can only assume that he brought that child as his date.

Paul Hardy: I thought the kid was wearing a tiara at first

Daniel Hopper: STOP CONFINING PEOPLE IN THE GENDER BINARY GEEZ!

Paul Hardy: Stuck in gender binary. Can't get out. Please send help

Daniel Hopper: Man with strange beard has trapped me here. I miss my mom.

Paul Hardy: You can just tell the guy is doing everything in his power not to suddenly burst into pulling the stupid fucking :AWESOME: face for the picture

Daniel Hopper: What a fuck.




Daniel Hopper: Cool dog collar bro... Just, one thing... I don't think its actually meant to be a literal dog collar

Daniel Hopper: This guy is proud of his fetish. Could be that it's just run of the mill S&M but let's face it, he's probably a furry

Daniel Hopper: How do I... *looks in morror* OH NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Paul Hardy: Does that dog collar say Ruffles or Riffles?

Daniel Hopper: Does it matter?

Paul Hardy: Well Raffles is the gentleman thug and Roffles is stupid shit for idiots, Ruffles would be an acceptable dogs name but Riffles means literally nothing

Daniel Hopper: I bet it's his fursona!

Paul Hardy: You really cant get past that collar, can you?

Daniel Hopper: He looks like a guy I used to hang around with except he was a really cool dude

Paul Hardy: I bet this guy is a fuckmaster. He goes to bars and clubs in a fucking suit all pimp as fuck and suave as shit. He picks up women, goes back to their place and fucks them. Next morning he's gone, and all that is left of his presence is this picture

Daniel Hopper: I know for a fact that isn't the case, want to know how?

Paul Hardy: Is it the dog collar?

Daniel Hopper: Nope, I found this picture on the Ctrl Alt Del forums




Paul Hardy: Juggalo

Daniel Hopper: You get a tattoo like that and you're pretty much saying 'Fuck you dad, I aint ever gonna have a career'

Daniel Hopper: Does he really need to qualify that he's a psycho and a lunatic? Isn't one enough?

Paul Hardy: It gives him a choice! He'll wake up, look in the mirror and think "Hmmm, today I feel like Psycho" and only have one sleeve rolled up for the rest of the day

Daniel Hopper: I have this image of him pulling up at the drive thru window at McDonalds and smugly placing his arm on the window of his car expecting the staff to be intimidated.

Daniel Hopper: 'Heh, this tattoo will get me loads of free burgers... but wait, what if I'm in Europe, they drive on the wrong side of the road there. Better get Lunatic on the other arm just in case'

Paul Hardy: "Last time I was there I asked for 8 piece chicken nuggets, the guy only gave me 7 and forgot to ask me what sauce I wanted" *looks at tattoos* "Never again..."

Daniel Hopper: 'You see this tattoo!? Does it suggest that I'm the type of guy who's willing to wait for the McRib to return?!'

Paul Hardy: "I invented the Double Down, you know? Don't believe me? Heh, what do my tattoos say?"

Daniel Hopper: Double Down is the name of his signature back door wrestling league finisher and his gimmick is that he's always unhappy with the service in fast food restaurants

Paul Hardy: He is the modern day stone cold steve austin, except this guy has never beat his wife, although he's a psycho lunatic so if she doesnt get enough napkins you know he is totally capable of doing it

Daniel Hopper: STOP CRYING! YOU SAW THE TATS, YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE SIGNING UP FOR!

Paul Hardy: You think maybe he puts his arms up the other way so it says Lunatic Psycho which is a lot less intimidating?

Daniel Hopper: He's one of the boss characters in Streets of Rage

Paul Hardy: The level he's the boss of is a Mcdonalds

Paul Hardy: "You can't wreck the place and beat up the staff! That's what I'm here for!"




Daniel Hopper: Death to the West

Paul Hardy: Even the tattoo looks like it doesnt want to be there

Daniel Hopper: Yeah I want a tattoo of Pee Wee but I want it to depict the time he was caught jerking it in a theatre.

Daniel Hopper: I love the way the shaved hair frames it. Presenting it as some sort of religious shrine

Paul Hardy: Maybe the look is because he knows all that hair is coming back soon

Daniel Hopper: His totally black eyes are creeping me out

Paul Hardy: You know someone will look at this tattoo and say "Oh yeah! Tony Hale! That guy is hilarious!"

Paul Hardy: Would it be better or worse if he didnt ink in the hair, but instead let it just grow naturally?

Daniel Hopper: Everything about this is bad but here this guy us showing it off to the world like a college diploma

Paul Hardy: I dunno, after you do something like tattoo peewee herman onto your arm it just shows that you have the least amount of fucks to give about anything

Daniel Hopper: How can I show the world that literally nothing matters *tattoos pee wee herman onto arm*

Paul Hardy: This is nihilism.jpg

Daniel Hopper: I can only sit back and approve of this and all it represents

XKCD is a bad webcomic and it's forum is full of bad people

Myself and my poz buddy Daniel decide to trawl through the XKCD forums, taking the pictures of weirdos and then mock them over the internet. We have made terrible life decisions to reach this point, please do not imitate us

Scrublord says:
I will be the voice of reason here and say there are one or two women in that thread who are genuinly attractive. It's just a shame that they are also the ones who are posting their picture every other page and the same people go on about how pretty they are

Daniel says:
Well ok, but we aint posting this to leer at attractive women or even talk about people using a 'post your pic' forum thread to compliment women in the hope of sexual gratification. Could you imagine though if this type of behaviour was extrapolated out into real life?

Scrublord says:
There is nothing "real life" about anyone who posts on that forum. It's a bizzare mixture of internet memes, people thinking knowing maths makes them intelligent and the overpowering stench of people slowly dying alone

Daniel says:
Ugly, socially akward nerds walking up to women. Between pained gulps of air they whisper, 'Yo... You're pretty'



Daniel says:
I'm willing to bet cash money that the thermos behind him is actually a product of the fleshlight corporation.

Scrublord says:
When you've just started puberty and growing facial hair we used to laugh at each other for having pube chin. That guy has long passed puberty

Daniel says:
'Hmmmm you know what would look stylish? If I shave my beard so it looks even more like my pubic regions'

Scrublord says:
"That will show the ladies that i have had the sexual encounter before!"

Daniel says:
That beard is a classic example of facial hair being used to give the illusion of 'a chin'. Classic fat guy strategy. Kevin Smith does it, Chris Moyles does it and, depending upon my self esteem, I do it.

Scrublord says:
The guy is looking so smug because he just won a bet that he couldn't take a picture of himself with something he wouldnt eat

Daniel says:
'No fuck you Dad! I told you there was something I wouldn't eat. You're as wrong about this as you are about my birth being a mistake!

Scrublord says:
He looks terrifying though, like a nerd overcompensating happiness because he doesn't really understand it

Daniel says:
When I hear people speak about serial killers this is the image that will spring to mind. Not pictured is the small child he has bound and gagged.

Scrublord says:
He's off to feed that small child, the high point of his day

Daniel says:
He looks like a giant

Scrublord says:
"If I could have feelings it would be for anime"

Daniel says:
Lets move on he's freaking me out



Daniel says:
'John you've been a naughty boy you've let your face grow long'

Scrublord says:
A Young Bill Nighy, minus the talent and plus a mullet - I suppose it all evens out

Daniel says:
He looks like the type of guy who'd cast himself in the role of 'The Dude' in a Shakespearean production of The Big Lebrowski

Scrublord says:
Fuck you for bringing that up

Daniel says:
That's what came to my head man. I see this dude and I think, 'shitty jeff bridges' and one thing leads to another

Scrublord says:
"Forsooth, thine eyes doth look yonder at the jock who is about to shove thine arse into a locker"

Daniel says:
Zounds, away from thy company! Thy art a traitor to our science now that thou hast made the beast with two backs!

Scrublord says:
He looks like the kinda guy who would get bullied even after leaving school. Punching him in the stomach until he throws up will never stop being fun, I can just tell
Aw man, this picture was taken at an arcade - he probably just got the high score in Galaga or something and just needed to commemorate the moment
"I will strike this pose again once my online girlfriend finally caves in and has sex with me!"

Daniel says:
Arcades are dying. People like this guy are the reason. He keeps trying to strike up buisness but everytime he asks kids to come into his arcade the police are called out to beat the shit out of him.

Scrublord says:
That is one hell of a neck the guy has on him

Daniel says:
He uses his elongated neck to peek over the arcade units and check out any potential sex partners that may have entered the building. It seems strange that such a neck would evolve though since its pretty evident that only one other person ever visits the arcade

Scrublord says:
Maybe the arcade is Gotham City and he is the equivalent of Batman. That explains the pose, why one sleeve is rolled up but the other one isnt (faggot ass owner wont let me wear a cape. Is cool though, i can compensate)

Daniel says:
Eh, seems more like the type to style himself on Rorschach

Scrublord says:
I dunno, the last guy hit that note for me



Daniel says:
Bigfoot does exist Mom! He's my maths teacher!
I bet this guys a really good teacher and a pretty cool person but the smell of his hair and beard makes it really tough to approach him and you feel realy guilty about it but jesus christ the stench!

Scrublord says:
I look at him and all i can think of is "wood elf" like he's gonna start singing about being kind to the trees of the forest

Daniel says:
Had you continued to let your hair and beard grow you could have been this guy

Scrublord says:
Just looking at him makes me wish for cancer so chemotherapy can make sure that can never happen. In my defence - I was young and stupid. What does he have?

Daniel says:
A degree in physics
Some people get so caught up in their work that they stop caring about physical appearance maybe that happened to this guy. He sat down one day to write a paper and looked up two months later to find his entier body had atrophied, his hair was a mess and his wife had left him

Scrublord says:
Why do I get the feeling Cheech and Chong are gonna bust in and try to smoke his shirt?

Daniel says:
This guy looks like Cheech and Chong's friend who went straight but the guys are determined to get him smoking again

Scrublord says:
That would be the entire movie - Cheech and Chong try to get a white dude to smoke weed again

Daniel says:
As much as I hate to admit this a lot of intelligent people do read XKCD because it acts as positive reinforcement for their chosen career. You got to uni and are told this will give you a good job but it doesnt so you turn to xkcd which does nothing but tell you how smart and better you are
I can sort of understand why people read xkcd and while I personally cant stand it, I dont really blame or dislike them for enjoying it since we all have dumb shit we like because it makes us feel better bout ourselves

Scrublord says:
What about the people who think they are intelligent solely because they read xkcd?

Daniel says:
Well yeah those people need to be taken to task (as does Munroe for his laziness and insecurity) but xkcd has a baffilingly large readership and we shouldnt tar them all with the same brush

Scrublord says:
Cool, lets get the disclaimer about not judging people out when we're in the middle of making fun of a bunch of them for no reason other than they post on a forum I dislike

Daniel says:
I'm just trying to understand why xkcd is so popular among such a wide range of people bro

Scrublord says:
How about we move on before we get sidetracked into liking these people?



Daniel says:
His head is shaped like a pear and I like pears... will that do?

Scrublord says:
His smile looks reptilian

Daniel says:
So do his eyes. Is this man the basis for David Ikes 'reptiian theory'?

Scrublord says:
The photo does look like it's from a case study

Daniel says:
Above: photo of child born in the aftermath of Chernobyl (note how the lower jaw does not match the upper jaw?)
I dunno, if I had bad acne I wouldn't really go for a haircut that shows off as much of your forehead as you can

Daniel says:
Harlequin babies thing this kid is odd lookin'

Scrublord says:
I'm starting to feel sorry for him

Daniel says:
Hahaha, see!

Scrublord says:
Maybe xkcd is where all these weird looking smart dudes can just go and hang out and be friends with each other, since they are too weird looking to do it irl?
I bet he tries real hard to get along with everyone but people just ignore him so he posts his picture on the internet looking for any sort of gratification

Daniel says:
Yeah, like Munroe and the comic are really just incidental to it all, its really just a safe place for smart dudes to talk about stuff they like and I feel kinda bad for invading that safe place
that doesnt change the fact that this mutha fuckers head looks like a yam though



Daniel says:
'Whoa hold up, this photos for the internet' *puts on eye patch, refuses to comb hair or smile*

Scrublord says:
I wonder if you'll feel bad for invading this guys safe place?

Daniel says:
It's impossible to be on the same plantet as this hefty gent and not invade his space. although i guess technically he's invading yours

Scrublord says:
Type 2 diabetes took his eye, it's just a coincedence he looks like Big Boss with it on - the Biggest Boss

Daniel says:
'Para medic, do you think I can eat this?'
'Boss no it's toxic'
'Uh oh...'

Scrublord says:
"That man is covered in bees! Think of all the honey!"

Daniel says:
He got to the scene where you have to climb the ladder and said 'fuck it'

Scrublord says:
A sneaking mission!? I thought you said snacking! You tricked meeeeeeeeeeee

Daniel says:
Snake here got his codename cos of the way he'll unhinge his jaw to devour a whole cow
What posessed this man to take the photo and think, 'yep this is a good representation of me and what I'm about?'

Scrublord says:
Maybe it's just a wacky picture?

Daniel says:
Yeah cos this guy looks like the personification of wackiness

Scrublord says:
Well alright I dont think this guy has ever heard a joke in his entire life, but maybe he's making the effort? I mean, isn't that what xkcd is all about? Making an effort to be something you're not?

Daniel says:
He should make the effort to not be a fat ass

Scrublord says:
Nobody has that much effort



Daniel says:
HAHAHAHAHAHA COMEDY!
There is nothing to say about this picture, it speaks for itself. Next one



Scrublord says:
Fuck me

Daniel says:
Goddamn

Scrublord says:
I'm starting to think xkcd is where rapists gather to chill in between their day job (rape)

Daniel says:
This guy looks like a mad rapist but its hard to imagine him overpowering anyone. The intent is there but the ability isnt

Scrublord says:
How long is his fucking hair? This isn't Rapunzel you faggot

Daniel says:
Please Paul, please dont place this obvious asexual into the simple black and white binary of sexual politics.
That was a mess of a sentance (it was inspired by his hair)

Scrublord says:
The only sexual politics this guy is a part of is whether or not chemical castration should be mandatory

Daniel says:
Why?! Why would you post this on the internet as a putting a face to your posts?!

Scrublord says:
The worst part of this picture is that its taken outside. That means he has been outside in his life at least once, and maybe on other occasions too. Somebody should have seen him in one of these situations but the authorities were not informed. I'd just feel a whole lot safer if this man was under house arrest for being in a constant state of looking like hes gonna rape everyone

Daniel says:
Alan Moore is this man's style icon
There should be some sort of outreach programme where Kanye West helps guys like this get their fashion sense kicked into shape

Scrublord says:
This guy would have nothing to do with Kanye West after he STOLE FROM DAFT PUNK
Actually, he'd probably be more upset about Kanye punking a then underage Taylor Swift at last years VMA
Besides, at this point I'd much rather watch 50 Cent trying to restyle this guy

Daniel says:
Pretend I posted that gif of 50 Cent shaking his head and driving away



Daniel says:
Hahahaha
Thats being used as my desktop wallpaper

Scrublord says:
How fucking rad is this kid?

Daniel says:
This kid owns, he's totally in on the joke and doesnt give a fuck about anything

Scrublord says:
This goes against all your complaints of "Why would this dude use this picture as his representation online" since the dude clearly understands the original picture was lacking, so he phtoshopped himself INTO SPACE

Daniel says:
Why wouldn't you use this pic? I'm gonna start using it
Not just space though, he photoshopped himself into space from a SNES game

Scrublord says:
This kid is literally the light at the end of the tunnel. When you die you come out the other side of the light and this kid is here and he's all "Sup, welcome to space"

Daniel says:
You come close to the light and he has his back turned to you then he slowly turns to face you, 'Heh welcome to space.'

Scrublord says:
"Is...is that you God?"
"Heh, there is no God!"
*cool kid flies away, a meteor hurtles towards him but its not a meteor its some shades and he puts them on*

Daniel says:
We cant see his lower body but its safe to assume he's on a solid gold motorcycle

Scrublord says:
A supermodel is also on the motorcycle and is also currently sucking his dick but he gives no fucks about earthly pleasures - this little nigga all about space pleasures
He's going through space to find an alien so bonerlicious not even God will fuck it, and then he's gonna fuck the alien

Daniel says:
He's the best I totally love this kid

Scrublord says:
This kid is my new hero, fuck you brave people who gave their lives in Iraq! When the fuck were you in space?



Daniel says:
If Space Kid is God then this guy is the Devil

Scrublord says:
Why do people see fedoras and think "Yes, this is the thing that will complete my look"?

Daniel says:
Maybe they're really enamoured with Vampire HunterD and while I can totally get behind wanting to look more like an anime, come the fuck on!

Scrublord says:
He's even got it at a jaunty angle, I bet the fucker did it intentionally

Daniel says:
If you're a white guy in a fedora then there's a pretty good chance that we'll have nothing to talk about. I mean yeah we'll probably share similar interests but I simply wont be able to pay attention to any of your views

Scrublord says:
Is that racist?

Daniel says:
I dont think so but I dont care if it is. Look at that fuckin guy

Scrublord says:
Imagine going to a bar, having a nice drink and this guy comes over and tries to make conversation

Daniel says:
Worse, imagine watching horrified as he heads to the jukebox. Dream Theatre. I fucking promise you it'd be Dream Theatre or Muse

Scrublord says:
Bit of Radiohead?

Daniel says:
Hm I dunno, not technical enough for him

Scrublord says:
Mars Volta then, or Coheed and Cambria?

Daniel says:
Yeah they'd both be in the most played section of his ipod
He'd probs corner you at a party and talk in painful detail about the intricacies of the coheed and cambria comic book

Scrublord says:
I hate this guy
I also want to point out that if Space Kid was going towards the jukebox he'd put Holy Diver on and the song would slowly get louder as it plays

Daniel says:
I wanna hang out with Space Kid more than anything in the worlds



Scrublord says:
The only way they could get both the guy in front and the girl into the picture while fulfilling the requirements of his restraining order was to have that dude in the middle

Daniel says:
The guy in the middle looks like he's passing a ham through his left ventricle
All that denim could provide housing for everyone in the third world

Scrublord says:
Why do so many of these people have long hair and shitty beards?

Daniel says:
Haha I know, what the fuck? *looks in mirror... sweat drop*

Scrublord says:
I'm not being hypocritical because my beard is shitty out of laziness, but they put effort into getting their beards this bad

Daniel says:
Someone just put 'I am the walrus' on and everyone scrambled for this photo op



Daniel says:
Whoa

Scrublord says:
That is one unfortunate looking motherfucker

Daniel says:
I'm all for dismantling the gender binary but jesus, too much too soon!
His faith in science is understandable. I'd have a hard time placing faith in a God if I looked like that

Scrublord says:
What the fuck is wrong with his hair? His parting is like the red sea

Daniel says:
His hair, now hold on Paul I'm not so sure thats a he. I mean I think it is but I can't be sure
To start going bald directly in the centre of your head... what kind of God would allow that? I'm starting to worry that maybe he's going through chemo or something and our laughing at him is just terrible

Scrublord says:
I really hope the cancer kills him

Daniel says:
He probably looks in the mirror and thinks the same thing
You could use this picture in a paper about holocaust victims and nobody would call you out for it.

Scrublord says:
I cant get over his hair - how can you have long hair and then never wash it? And he is easily the palest person I've seen on the internet

Daniel says:
He's clearly outside yet he's so fucking pale. What, does he only go out durring an eclipse or something?
There are people who believe aliens are secretly working on a human alien hybrid. It's called the starchild theory. This man is the starchild, nothing else to it. This man is proof possitive that aliens have been all up in our junk

Scrublord says:
It's a shame this kid is the starchild and not Space Kid from before

Daniel says:
Maybe someone shaved down the centre of his head while he was sleeping - possibly aliens, I dont wanna rule that out
Homie look like the librarian ghost from the first Ghostbuster movie

Lookit all these gay words about all these gay people by a couple of gay dudes. That is so gay. Gay

So myself and my disgusting manchild friend D_Hoppers_Ghost decided that the best use of our Saturday night was to make fun of ugly people over the internet. Here is all of them words for whatever reason!


DHG says:
There is nothing wrong with these people
Scrublord says:
lol I typed "Twee as fuck" into google and got this
DHG says:
It's just your racism means you still havent grasped the concept of interracial couples but that's your fault, not theirs
Scrublord says:
What are you on about? I'm very happy for Jaws and Oddjob finding happiness together
DHG says:
Which is which? They both have dumb hats like oddjob and they both have pretty strong jawlines
Scrublord says:
Having a threesome with them would be great - you stand there and you got Oddjob sucking yo dick while you sucking Jaws dick
DHG says:
Is there a Bond porno designed around that scenario? If not we should make it. I CALL JAWS
Scrublord says:
Which Bond will be the third wheel though? CHOOSE CAREFULLY and don't say Daniel Craig out of some Jewish brotherhood either
DHG says:
Daniel Craig isnt jewish he just pretends he is. Wait, is he? Am I being antisemitic?
Scrublord says:
He looks kinda jewey, in a non antisemitic sort of way
DHG says:
He is a tall, blond haired blue eyed ubermensch. How is that, quote, jewey?
Scrublord says:
I saw his cock one time
DHG says:
I dont believe you. I don't believe your lies about celebrity dicks
Scrublord says:
Out of everyone you know who has the highest chance of seeing his dick?
DHG says:
... ok so what about his dick?
Scrublord says:
He doesn't have one - as part of the Jewish movie star ritual he gave it up in a weird ceremony and is now part of the Zionist movement in hollywood to make James Bond less camp and more gay
DHG says:
You need to stop reading nexus magazine broheim.


DHG says:
Is that Chester Bennington?
Scrublord says:
It's Michael Stipe from REM
DHG says:
I knew it was a music douchebag but i couldnt quite place which one. Is he related to Jack and Meg Whitestripe?
Scrublord says:
Maybe Jack. Wait, Stipe has the HIV, right? Jack is incredibly pale and thin, while Meg is chubby as fuck. So Jack Whitestripe got the HIV from Michael Stipe?
DHG says:
I think thats a safe to assume yes. I found this pic by searching for cybergoths. I didnt realise cybergoths were so big on REM. You'd think REM's enviromental message would clash with their desire to dip everything they own in neon plastic but I guess not.
Scrublord says:
Cybergoths? Really?
DHG says:
Yeah
Scrublord says:
Shadowrun was cool and all when I was like 12, but there's a time and a place to end this
Wait, was this taken in Japan? His t shirt has Moon Speak on it, There's japanese people in the background
DHG says:
You can claerly see one japanese person that doesnt mean it was taken in Japan. You saying that is like Glenn Beck loudly asking 'Where am I, MEXICO?!' everytime a hispanic person passes him on the street.
He is in Japan though, if it puts your mind at ease.
Why would anyone do this to themselves? Not the haircut, I mean tour with REM.
Scrublord says:
I really dont know
Have you ever met someone who likes REM?
DHGl says:
No. I don't know anyone who like REM. About a year ago I was driving my mam somewhere and Shiny Happy People came on the radio. My mam said 'It's sad that he has HIV but his band really is terrible'.
Scrublord says:
See, that sorta makes my point. REM are popular but I've never met anyone who actually likes them.
Maybe thats the whole Zionist conspiracy? I can't think of anything more evil
DHG says:
Bro, I dont like rem. I told you!
Scrublord says:
Whats the opposite of the Zionist conspiracy?
DHG says:
I dunno. A christian conspiracy?
Scrublord says:
Shit, it's Pitchfork isn't it?


DHG says:
"YEAH I'D LIKE AN EXTRA LARGE MEAT SUPREME. I'M ON WARD 22. YEAH THE CARDIAC WARD!"
I know its mean to laugh at a fat guy on a hospital bed but I cant help it. This picture just makes me laugh. When I'm a fat guy on a hospital bed people can laugh at me but until then...
Scrublord says:
"HELLO, PIZZA HUT? I NEED TO CHANGE THE ADDRESS OF MY HOME DELIVERY! NO I CAN'T HOLD I'M FUCKING HUNGRY HERE!"
DHG says:
'FUCKING HOSPITAL WIFI! HOW AM I MEANT TO RAID WITH THIS SHIT?!'
Scrublord says:
Dude is totally waiting for Doctor House to burst in and make him lose all the weight and then Thirteen blows him
Instead a doctor who looks like me will blow him. Two days later he is dead. Such is life
DHG says:
Wish I was a fat guy being treated by Doctor House
Scrublord says:
*pops vicodin* It seems here that your ownage levels are dangerously low. Differential diagnosis on being mega gay?
"We could do a biopsy"
"No, he's too gay, it would send his anus into relapse from the huge cock he had in him last night"
To read any more you must subscribe to my fanfic
DHG says:
'THE ANIME SHOULD BE MAKING HIM BETTER BUT INSTEAD IT'S KILLING HIM!'
Scrublord says:
"We need 50cc's of posts, stat!"
"But House! If the posts aren't to the 5 level then he will die!"
"Then I guess we just need to trust the fives"
DHG says:
Thanks GBS


DHG says:
JESUS H CHELIOS! Raoul Moat?
Scrublord says:
Dude got rejected from KISS for being too straight
DHG says:
Thats really horrible, where did you find it?
Scrublord says:
I googled "diaper dude" Really, it was one of the more tamer choices
DHG says:
'This bitchboys on his way to the gathering. He'll probably get laid. Godspeed you fag emperor' - DJ Shaggy Two (2) Dopes
Scrublord says:
Carrot Top wig, juggalo mask, orange t shirt, a gun and a diaper - i'm gonna call this uglybabypunk
DHG says:
When I was a kid i saw the movie 'IT' and was fucking terrified. Years later I watched it and realised it wasnt scary at all and that my memory had made it seem worse. This clown is what I remebered.
Scrublord says:
Would you say....IT RAPED YOUR CHILDHOOD!?
Actually, what I said is now ominous because this guy looks like he would rape children
DHG says:
Looks like he would?
Scrublord says:
Looks like he has, then
Each of his items of clothing are from previous victims. Out of shot - clown shoes (he raped a clown)
Awww man, a baby clown. Is there anything sadder? Aside from this guy raping a baby clown i guess
DHG says:
I dunno, the tears of a babby clown... no there is nothing sadder. Maybe a baby clown wearing jorts


DHG says:
I know this is old but it still gets me
Scrublord says:
"Daaaaaaaaad no! The All American Rejects are NOT cool! Ugh"
DHG says:
He's so sad. All his material wealth just cant bring him happiness since his wife left him. His eyes are filled with the same sadness as Kermit the frog's
Scrublord says:
"I bought this iphone because my kids say there's an app for everything. Couldnt find the app to bring me back together with my wife. Contemplated sadness of these events by taking a picture (there was an app for that)"
DHG says:
Look at this while listenng to needle in the hay by Elliott Smith. It's soul destroying
Scrublord says:
You think if Elliot Smith lived to be old he would end up being this dude?
Daniel says:
Yeah I could see that happening
Speaking of dumb shit that needs exposing, where's the nexus article on Elliott Smith's murder at the hands of his wife huh?
Scrublord says:
Fuck. This picture. It's old John Cusack with Justin Bieber's hair
DHG says:
Holy shit, I'm having a moment like the end of usual suspects where all the shit is coming to me, Beibers beautiful hair, Cusack in his many similar roles, all the while my coffee cup slowly falls to the floor.
We can't be sure but I bet this guy has a monobrow
Scrublord says:
Maybe thats why hes so sad?
DHG says:
But a pair of tweezers would fix that. There's no need to spend $'s on emo clothes to get rid of that brow


DHG says:
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadies.
Scrublord says:
"Hi, you may recognise me as Mayor Carcetti from The Wire. I'm here today to tell you about the ultimate comfort wear you could possibly imagine. I'm here to tell you about jorts"
DHG says:
'Jorts, because you're proud of the fact that you cannot grow any hair on your legs. SPONSORED BY MOUNTAIN DEW'
Scrublord says:
"Always be aware of necrotizing flesh on your legs due to inactivity from playing world of warcraft for 22 hours straight" - JORTS
DHG says:
"Hey now, don't throw that pizza out. Get your mom to stick it in the fridge, it'll make a great, no fuss breakfast" - JORTS
Scrublord says:
"The only thing that will make your wall scrolls look better is the light from the sun reflecting onto them as you draw your katana at the exact moment of dawn" - JORTS
DHG says:
"Defragging your pc can take forever and leave you with no hot games to play, what a pain! Why not use that time to pleasure yourself over some hot anime babes. That way you won't get horny and hit on the halfelf mage, who later turns out to be your dad, during a raid" - JORTS
Scrublord says:
"Microwave burritos - the future, today! Also technically the past since they've been around for a while" - JORTS
"Correcting mistakes on wikipedia is a difficult and time consuming activity but you are making the world a better place by doing so" - JORTS
"Asexual" - JORTS
DHG says:
"Next time mom shouts at you tell her you didn't go to your sister's wedding because you have aspergers because she had you innoculated as a child. Maybe she'll feel guilty and pick up some pizza rolls on the way home" - JORTS
Scrublord says:
"If you go to Grandma's funeral then who will save Midgar from Sephiroth?" - JORTS



DHG says:
S... Steampunk
Scrublord says:
Is that Mickey Rourke on the left?
DHG says:
There is nothing right about this picture, but think for a minute about how much time, money and care has been invested in these ridiculous costumes
Scrublord says:
I dont want to. They have put more time, money, effort and care into their shitty steampunk costumes for comic-con than I ever have with any part of my life
DHG says:
That imp chick must have spent at least 24hours meticulously stitching clock parts to her great grand mothers last remaining posession and that fucking nerd there... look at how smug he looks.
"Hmmg, my steam powered ecrrectometer is detecting a boner in my nether regions. a damsel is within 3ft of me. Time to woo her with these roses made of steam"
Scrublord says:
You have to keep pouring water into his butthole to sustain his boner
DHG says:
Whenever he ejaculates steam shoots out of his ears. Like his shotgun that shoots bullets with steam. If he put even a minutes thought into that he'd realise the only thing thats gonna do is steam up his attackers glasses. Maybe give them a mild head sweat.


DHG says:
Still steampunk but a chance for us to be sexist and hetronormative as fuck
Scrublord says:
GOD DAMN SON, LOOK AT HER PACKING DEM TITTIES


DHG says:
My bookcase? Filled with dvds. All of them anime
Scrublord says:
You trying to take my newest edition of shohen jump? *draws steam powered gun* Are you feeling lucky....gaijin?
Yeah in the background there I have the tombstone of my virginity, hope I get to use it someday!
DHG says:
"Ok just stand still for half an hour. I need to heat up some water and I refuse to use modern water heating appliances" It is 2010 and this man is proudly displaying his hellraiser dvd collection
Scrublord says:
Is that a my little pony next to his left ear?
DHG says:
He went to all this trouble to set up a steampunk picture. You think he could have stood next to a fucking clock or a cathedral or something instead of a shelf in forbidden planet.
I just found his twitter but he locked his tweets
Scrublord says:
So he'll gladly post pictures of himself in full steampunk regala but he refuses to let us see his shitty steampunk tweets?
"Got beat up again today. Can't wait until Super SteamPunk Saturday" 2 minutes ago via steam
DHG says:
I'd have thought twitter would go against his steampunk lifestyle



Scrublord says:
She looks like the bust of an old pirate ship got dumped on top of a pile of boxes
DHG says:
Damn girl, you built like a mother fucka. I'm in the market fo a new home, maybe you could sell me one of yo clean shirts.
Girl needs the awesome power of steam just to keep her from collapsin under the weight of her huge ass
Scrublord says:
Girl why you goin steampunking at the zoo? Walking past the elephants and they throwing peanuts off you
DHG says:
Girl wider than a donkey but built like an ape/ when she leave this zoo they gonna think an elephant's escaped
Scrublord says:
Damn girl, look at yo fat ass. Only exercise you be doing is running down the clock before the buffet hour be starting
DHG says:
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit girl, playas take one look at you an they know the buffets about to start
Scrublord says:
Bitch only reason you coming is because you heard the word steam and you start thinking of them clams you like so much
DHG says:
Girl this aint no forum about texas meats. We steamin' lifestyles not meals!


Scrublord says:
MEATLOAF! YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE BUT I WISH THE ONE THING YOU WOULDN'T DO FOR LOVE WOULD BE STEAMPUNK
DHG says:
I know I'm being a hetronormative, genderrole inforcing dick but 'nice room George Costanza. Who decorated it? Your gran?'
Scrublord says:
That fucking bowtie
DHG says:
It's the glasses that most offend me. Maybe he's a jockey and he didnt realise the blinkers are meant for the horse?
Scrublord says:
You know how xkcd has 3 characters - self insert male, MEGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN and a dude with glasses? This is the real life interpretation of the dude in glasses
DHG says:
I'm still seeing george from seinfeld
'HE USES THE POWER OF STEAM JERRY'
'LIKE A KETTLE OR SOMETHING?'
'NO JERRY LIKE A ZEPPELIN OR A DEVICE THAT CLOACKS THE ROBOT ASSASIN IN STEAM AND AN INBUILT PROJECTOR CASTS THE IMAGE OF A HARMLESS GRANNY ONTO IT'

KRAMER SLIDES IN

'ELAINE PLEASE THAT MAN HAD A FAMILY'


Scrublord says:
And the tin man went looking for the Wizard of Oz to gain chest hair
DHG says:
'And for you tin man, heres that testosterone you wanted'
Scrublord says:
Surely the tin man would just want a source of steam so he doesnt grind to a halt? Wouldnt a steam powered tin man not work very well at all?
DHG says:
Yeah wouldnt he rust? Look at us, applying logic to steampunk!
Scrublord says:
We are putting more thought into steampunk than the people who live it
DHG says:
We are the ones who have been [steam]punk'd
Scrublord says:
By Ton o' Ash Kutcher?
DHG says:
More like Ash Ketchum
Shoop Doop Boop says:
I say! *monocle pops out but steam powered generator shoots it back into the air and onto my eyes*
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK STEAM IS REALLY HOT WE HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE LIFE CHOICE
DHG says:
Wild Wild West was the only really steam punk movie i can think of. Imagine designing your entire life around that dumb movie
Scrublord says:
I dunno, Salma Hayek was in that movie and she has some big chebs too. I'm sure you could live with looking like a dork to be around titties like them
DHG says:
Like a serpant eating its own tale or a mobius strip, you dress like a dork to get Hayek's chebs but she spurns you cos you dress like a dork so you dismantle an antique clock and glue the gears to a top hat to get Hayek's chebs...
Scrublord says:
If the only good thing about tonight is I have started you calling titties "chebs" then it has been worth it
Of course the other good thing was those GODDAMN TITTIES WHOA GIRL YOU LOOKING FINE
DHG says:
I just think its a funny word and if it applies to anyones titties its Hayek's