Geordie Shore Episode 1 - The Geordie Menace

Right, I got through the first 7 minutes of the first episode of Geordie Shore. Now it's time for the next 36 minutes of the first episode. I do this because I hate myself and you should hate me too

First up, Jay enters the house and meets Vicky. The first things they compliment each other on is how good looking each other are, and then Vicky asks if he wants a hand carrying his stuff in. Chivalry is apparently a few too many for Geprdie Shore. "The minute I saw Jay I thought 'Wow'" explains Vicky. My reaction upon seeing Jay was also "Wow" but I followed it up with "What a twat" although I don't think that's what Vicky was going for "I've only been in the house for 5 seconds and Vicky is already offering is (me) a drink - proper Geordie bird" says Jay, little realising it's called Geordie Shore and the house will be full of Geordies

Next up is Charloote (I think, I still haven't got their names down) driving to the Geordie Shore and she says "I'm sweating so much that I've got sweat marks, and I've got fake tan on so it's going to leave sweat marks under my dress and when I go in I think everyone will think I'm a sweaty minger" We cut back to Vicky and Jay flirting "I got him a drink, I got him to have a look at is (me) now all I need is to get him into my bedroom" says Vicky, after having just met Jay for the first time minutes ago. "I'm keeping my options open for a stunner coming in. If they are all mingers I'm gonna grab Vicky and take her into my room" Jay says, right after taking a bed because "It's closest to the wardrobe"

James enters the house and SHOCK OF ALL SHOCKS! he already knows Jay and Vicky! "I met Vicky at a house party before and I already banged one of her mates" he explains, giving the intricate backstory to this already woven web of mystery. Jay says since he was first in the house he is the king, and declares James to be a Prince. "Prince is good like, Prince is good!" he says, but before everyone starts singing Purple Rain he follows up with "Prince Harry gets all the fanny!" and everyone laughs. Except me

Greg then talks about something but honestly, he speaks far too fucking fast and I can't understand a word he says. Charlotte enters the house next and says "I was proper shitting myself. Proper. Shitting. Myself. What if they were nasty to is (me)?" which I think would take precedence over her sweaty marks. She doesn't know anyone else so far, although she seems to be a bit taken with James "I dunno though, he might be a nod head...although that might jut turn is (me) on even more" she then says. I'm glad it's me watching this and not one of the woman hating nerds who...wait, no, it doesn't matter

Gary enters the house next and he knows Vicky. It seems like everyone knows Vicky. I don't know Vicky, even though I'm a buff as fuck. What the heck, Vicky!? Haha then Sophie walks in, Vicky's tone turns to really bitchy and James comments "First impression - didn't really fancy her" Jay's is even better "Lovely girl, but I don't want her in my room". Gary shows Sophie to her room and his face tells us all what he thinks of her. "Geordie Shore - my kind of house, my kind of people. Let's fucking roll!" Sophie says, unaware everyone else has already decided they don't like her

Gary and James are standing at the hot tub when Jay looks out of the window upstairs "If the next one in is a lad he's gannin (going) in your room so we get the birds in ours" James says, causing Jay and me to laugh "You can fuck right off!" is his response. Honestly, if the show was just following these three as they bro it up it would still be shit, but at least it would be watchable shit. Greg walks in, and before he even puts his suitcase down everyone is getting him a shot. "It's the Geordie law, you got to have a tan. No Geordie walks around like they are a ghost" says James, forgetting that since we border Scotland we get essentially no fucking sun so everyone uses fake tan. Fuck you James, I hope Jay roid rages and bums you while you sleep

Gary James and Jay are back outside talking about getting with Vicky, who seems to b everyone's favourite. As they are saying this she'stalking to Greg in his room. "Hey man, whoever bangs her, bangs her" says Gary. "I think I'm bringing my A game to flirt with Greg. He's avsolutely adorable, I might be head over heels for him already" says Vicky, who has a different favourite. This whole show is taking a turn for the Shakespeare-esque, although if this is one of his comedies I'm gonna be fucking pissed. It has to be a tragedy or else this entire thing will be worthless.

Everyone is then sitting around talking about the last person to get in "I think she might be blonde" says Sophie, showing everyone who they hate her "Nah, she'll have massive tits" says Greg, who probably read the script before he got there. Sophie has already got drunk off jagerbombs for reasons I'm not really sure of and gets into the hot tub wearing a dress like a fucking moron. "They're proper mortal (drunk) and I've got to live with them" James says in despair. "That person (Sophie) is the most annoying fucking person I've ever met in my life" says Gary. In his defence she is a fucking idiot

"I saw the tits walking in, five minutes later her face walked in and I said 'Vicky, get your stuff - you're in with me'" Jay remarks as Holly, the last girl, makes her entrance. It's hilarious since as Holly walks in, Vicky jumps up and runs away from her just to get her stuff into Jay's room. "Mission accomplished - I dodged the minger and I got the stunner in my room. Bring it on!" Jay says triumphantly

"The birds have only been in the house an hour and they're a mess" James points out. Sophie runs around, soaking wet, trying to hug everyone. James runs away from her, Vicky tells her to fuck off "She's a fucking gobshite and she's doing my head in already" Holly admits she's from Middlsborough, and so everyone calls her a "fake Geordie" "If you're from Middlesborough you might as well be from fucking Mars" Jay comments. Alright, I'll admit it - I hated him at first but the guy is growing on me. "I am from Middlesborough but I see myself as a true Geordie, as it's more of a lifestyle. You go out, get pissed, don't give a shit what people think about you" Holly says in a pathetic attempt to defend herself

Sophie then lies down in the bathroom for no fucking reason but it looks like she's pissed herself. Sophie then throws up in the toilet as Holly holds her hair back for her. Jay and Gary find "the shag pad" and they promise to keep it a secret from the others "I can bring a bird straight in and Vicky wouldn't know about it" muses Jay, the man with the plan. Sadly, Vicky is spending most of her time with Greg and they are getting touchy feely. "I'm keeping my options open, but Vicky is a little bit special" Greg says, although I'd hate to see how special he thinks Sophie is

"Any Geordie knows - if the top is coming off you need to get your pump on like" says James, as he Greg and Gary are all in one bedroom working out. "They are canny lads, but not the people I'd go out with at all" comments Greg. Holly touches Gary's abs "Oh My God! It's harder than my tit!" she screams. Either she has never felt a six pack before or she has had some plastic surgery done. Holly then starts laughing that Charlotte and Sophie are already passed out drunk and it's only 9 o clock. Everyone who is still awake piles into the hot tub, where Holly tells them all she has a boyfriend

"He must be mad to let a girl with tits like that in here with four muscley good looking blokes" James says, probably saying more about himself than he is about Holly's boyfriend. When asked what she told her boyfriend before she went into Geordie Shore, she replied "I told him I was gonna have a good time for a couple of weeks. Jesus. "I feel so sorry for her boyfriend right now" Vicky says, proving why she is everone's favourite. "I'd lke to meet him, see what he's like because if she wasmy lass doing that there would be hell on" says Jay in the soundbite as he drinks a bottle of beer from between Holly's tits. "Am I getting my tits out like?" Holly then screams in the hot tub. All the guys says yes. "Shit man, I'm not getting involved" Vicky says as she backs out of camera shot. We all know Holly gets them out, and the guys pour drinks onto them. A bit wasteful since they are in a hot tub, but whatever, it's Geordie Shore, baby!

"I don't think they (the other guys in Geordie Shore) would be happy with their birds doing that, but it's our relationship and thats why it works so well" Holly later explains about getting her tits out for strangers she has just met. "I just can't get my head around it" Vicky explains "Hey boyfriend says it would be ok for her to do everything but bang someone?" "If you jumped in bed with me, that would be alright?" asks Jay, getting a yes in response "But if I stuck my cock up you, that wouldn't be alright?" he continues, getting a no in response. "My boyfriend is secrure so it's alright" Holly says, although she never mentions what exactly he's secure in. "I've never been to Middlesborough in my life but now I'm definitely not going to go" comments Vicky

Holly then storms out "Who the fuck does she (Vicky) think she is? She doesn't know me, she doesn't knowmy boyfriend, it's our relationship, nobody elses" This after all the guys were saying "You wouldn't do that if you weremy girlfriend" and Vicky just being more shocked than anything else. Vicky goes to make things right, and finds Holly crying in the shower. "Holly, you are lovely, we all adore you and if that's what you want to do then me and the lads will be behind you 110%" Vicky says to her face "She is not real right now. She is irritating the hell out of me" she says to the camera away from Holly.

Since the two drunk girls have taken a room together, Gary and Holly share a room. And a bed. Jay and Vicky go into their room and Vicky goes off on Jay for looking to Holly's tits. He counters by saying she spent most of the night cuddling up to Greg. Their next conversation gets subtitles because they are whispering but they end up kissing. Awww! We go back to Gary and Holly, where Holly goes down on Gary beneath the blankets

Next morning some blonde woman enters the house and wakes everyone up "From out the blue, some woman's turned up in our party house" complains Gaz, not realising there are 4 other women in the party house. Ends up she is the boss, and what she says goes. She gets them all to do promotions and other stuff, although it'sapparently all in clubs so it's just an excuse for them to gan oot on the toon (go out on the town) Sophie then apologises for being an idiot, a bit too late for anyone to care. Holly calls her boyfriend and says she got hammered and didn't remember what happened last night. THE PERFECT CRIME! She did tell him she got her tits out in the hot tub. "I don't think I did anything last night that my boyfriend wouldn't be hapy about" Holly says, and I swear to God there was an awkward pause there that lasted about 3 seconds. Magical

Gary Jay and James go to the gym and work out together. The no homo is implied by the fact they are all bros, and honestly, I like the three of them broing it up. Greg is there too, but he'sworking out away from the three of them. "I went with them to hang out, but they just did their own thing" Greg explains as the other three start fantasising about what they'll do tonight. Greg leaves, saying he's the "outsider" and the three of them make fun of him because they work out a lot more than he does and they have a tan "Howay, he'll have a 1 pack and I'll have a 19 pack" Gary jokes

"I hate lads who talk about the gym all the time, it's boring. To be honest I'm thinking about leaving" says Greg, succesfully turning into the most sympathetic character on the show. He feels left out because he doesn't "Talk about the gym or their hair or how good they look all the time" even though he is easily the most well balanced one out the four of them. If you aren't already writing Greg/Vicky fanfiction then get the fuck off this blog right now

So, while the three bros work out at the gym, what does Greg do? He sits down with Vicky and Charlotte and goes on about how he wants to leave. So not only do I think he's sympathetic, all the girls do as well. "He's got far more interesting things to say, they just don't care" Vicky says, continuing to say "I know exactly how he feels, and I don't want him to go. If he does, then why should I stay?" We then get this fucking obvious manipulation attempt to make us feel even more sympathy for Greg "He misses his family, he misses his friends. He just wants to be himself" Vicky says, and she then starts crying. Oh man, Greg's done it. He's won Vicky. Jay is gonna be piiiiiised!

It's night now, and they all have to get ready for their job. All the girls but Charlotte are less than impressed with what they have to wear. "We're gonna look like we ran into Primark covered in superglue. I'm gonna look like a fat Bigg Market slag! They can fuck right off!" Vicky rages. Man, she is getting a lot of screen time here. Meanwhile, the guys seem to be a lot happier with their uniform. Eventually, the guys and the girls go to work, except Greg, who goes to bed. Bless him! Of course, the guys couldn't give a shit he wasn't there but the girls oooh and aaah that he's feeling a bit down

So, the job for tonight is to get as many people into a party as they possibly can. "We got to the Gate and it was a proper cockfest. Full of charvers and ugly lads" complains James. "We were just looking to grab the lads, get them onto the bus, just host the fuck out of the situation" says Vicky. Hosting the fuck out of a situation is now entering my vocabulary. They all pile people on, including Jay getting busy with a blonde, and Charlotte spills a drink onto Gary. They flirt a bit and Charlotte admits she fancies Gary. Not to him, of course, but you know.

First job - done! Their boss is happy, so they all go home. The doorbell rings, and some women enter! Sophie isn't happy "These fucking stinkers walk into my house!?" she says, but the guys seem to enjoy them being there. The women are in the kitchen unhappy that these women are there, but Gary and Jay get them up to the secret shag pad the women realises. Until they all see them through the windows. Jay then leaves, saying "He waspissed enough to neck with them, but that's it" Gary then fucks both of them, although Vicky is annoyed at Jay for going with them in the first place

Gary realises that people know about the "shag pad" so he tidies it up in the morning before everyone else wakes up. Greg agrees to go to lunch with Vicky as the big decider of whether he stays or goes. "The thing with Greg, he's got that sensitive side, he's a little mysterious. He had the little wounded bird thing on which had is bubbling. He's got is wrapped around his little finger, like" Vicky says, just in case you couldn't understand what was going on here. Greg, of course, decides to stay. Hurray!

They all go out on the town, and Gary tells Jay he'll "Take one for the team" and get Charlotte tonight, leaving the "shag pad" for whoever Jay wants. "Good man" Jay says. Two bros discussing their sleeping arrangements on the fly. Gary hits on Charlotte, and the girls take a meeting to discuss her strategy. The strategy talk goes well for Gary. Greg gets some girls number and everyone celebrates. Then he keeps getting more numbers and he's starting to feel like "heself" again. Good for you Greg

"I wasn't going to go back with him, honestly" Charlotte says about Gary "But I couldn't find anyone better". A likely story, considering Greg still exists. Their talk in the car is a bit aggressive but both seem happy enough with it. Holly starts crying because she feels like "an outcast" - everyone else is picking people up and she has a boyfriend. Seriously lady? Back at the house, Gary and Charlotte go into the "shag pad". Thats it. James is getting it on with some girl in the club, and then he starts a fight with the guy next to him. Bouncer seperate them, but Greg dives in and punches the dude. It happens so fast I can't screencap it, but James is impressed with him for it. Greg finished the episode off by saying "We're all one big happy family now". Yes, the episode ends with implied incest. You wouldn't expect anything less from this lot

Geordie Shore - an introduction to the cast

Geordie Shore is a reality TV show that follows 6 people from Newcastle as they live their lives, posing philisophical questions about the state of their existence, ruminating on the effects our government has on our day to day basis and justtrying to get through each day without being crushed by the immense feeling of mediocrity that life brings

Haha, just kidding! It's about a bunch of shitheads from Newcastle who love themselves!

First up, regardless of the mass outcry that happened when the show was first aired, this does not portray Newcastle in a negative light. You could go to any city in England, probably the entire world, and you will find people like this. It's more a damning representation of first world problems then it is of a single city and the people who live there

Secondly, I have never watched this show in my life. When it first aired I ignored it, because it looked fucking awful. The most I've seen of it is the adverts that were shown near constantly. I know nothing about these people, the show, anything that happens on it, anything This is going to be a straight up blind synopsis, because I'm a fucking idiot who does stupid things

There's only 6 episodes, but don't worry! MTV have decided to release two Magaluf specials at the end of August! I am not going to marathon through this, so as long as I keep my will to live on the life support machine I should finish this series in time for them being aired. Bully for me

Why do I get the feeling that by the end of this I'm going to wish I stuck with The Big Bang Theory?

We start with each of the...wait, what do I call them? Contestants? I can't do that since there is no real prize or competition here. Participants? I'm not typing that everytime I want to talk about all of them combined. They can barely be called people at this point. Calling them stars is a gross exageration, emphasis on the gross part. I'm going to call them homunculi until I get to know them a bit better, since at the minute they aren't real to me

Anyways, these homunculi talk about what they want from the show. One says they are going to "Live it up true Geordie style" and if it's anything like my true Geordie style they are going to stay in bed and watch bad TV. How meta would that be? Another says "A girl gives is (me) a badger" which is a bizarre mental image and I honestly don't get the euphamism. I'm from the place these people are and I do not get the lingo they are talking

STOP THE PRESSES we are 24 seconds into the show and one of the girls already has her tits out. 24 seconds y'all! Everyone is in a hot tub and she whips them out. Although this is still the introduction montage so this has not happened chronologically yet, meaning these tits are from the future. As such I will have to disqualify them from the betting pool of "Which girl gets her tits out first" since this has not happened yet, despite the fact I've literally just watched it happen. Also I know none of their names yet and I've already saw her tits. Come on guys, this isn't fucking Entourage

"I'm going to be in there like swimwear" says one girl. In where like swimwear? There is absolutely zero context to this, everyone is just saying a bunch of soundbites that are meaningless set to some generic rock music. The montage scenes seem to be everyone drinking, falling over in the street or getting seperated from fights in the street while other people talk about partying. An auspicious start, Geordie Shore

This is Sophie. She is 21, although I have no idea how old that is in Mr Blobby years. She says this is her year on Geordie Shore and she will "be a complete slut and put out". Everyone has their slut year, it's basically a rite of passage at this point. She then describes herself as "a cock magnet" and describes her ideal man as "a proper butch man, like big muscles, a nice golden tan but not as dark as me, that would be competition" Alas, I was so close as well. Sorry Mom, I guess my princess is in another castle after all

We are now in Sophie's room where she is talking to her mother, who says her daughter has a "massive chest and lovely legs" whoch honestly is kind of a creepy thing to say to your own daughter. Sophie says guys love "skinny girls but also love girls with a bit of tyre, and when I sleep with them its cushion for the pushing" I honestly just had to google "cushion" to make sure I spelled it right. I'm ashamed of myself for that but come on! How many times have you ever had to spell out the word "cushion"? Like fucking never!

"I'm very much my daddy's princess, I still get tret (treated) like I'm 4 years old" Sophie continues. It's usually neglect from their father's which lead to this, although it also happens from too much attention from their fathers, if you know what I mean. I'm on about her father sexually abusing her, if you don't. By the end of the series I am going to build a case against Sophie's dad that he sexually abused her as a child, probably around the age of four, and will get him arrested. Here is what her parents look like - nice soul patch, dickhead

Meet James. The first thing he says is "The hardest graft (work) I've ever done is doing my hair" A man who truly knows the plight of the proletarian, James follows with "I've never been in love - my full time occupation is smashing birds (women)" which is either very Richard Keys-esque or is stark honesty in his woman beating ways. If the show ends with James getting severe roid rage and ending up killing all the women on the show with his patented Crippler Crossface while wearing a bra and panties I think we can truly say that life imitates art

"I'd definitely say I'm one of the best looking lads in Newcastle, if not England" he says. Dude has clearly never met me then. "Honestly, what's not to like?" he asks, making the same pose I make every time I make a tweet. We also meet James' dad, in a joke so obvious that even I can sit back and let you all form your own punchlines

Next up is Vicky, and I'm already running an over/under on the amount of times she is referred to as "Sticky Vicky" in this episode alone. "I want to make a guy really want me, who really needs me but I'd probably just suck him off anyways" is her first fucking quote and Jesus Christ she is going to refer to herself as Sticky Vicky, isn't she? Here's her mother who says "Vicky is much easier when she gets her own way" Sorry love, I've known of your daughter's existence for less then 30 seconds and I fail to believe she can get any easier. "To me, my family is everything" she says, which is the first nice thing anyone on this show has said so far. She redeems herself with "All the lads will love me, all the lasses will hate me" so we're still back on track

Here is Gaz. It really says a lot when someone is called Gary and they still decide to shorten their name. "From the minute I get a birds number to the minute I shag them, I know the situation inside out" is his first quote, which could only become classier if he was wearing a tuxedo and drinking a martini while saying it. He then pulls a remote control for a TV out of nowhere and says "It's literally the size of that" I'm sure it also stops working every now and then for no reason until you throw it off a wall, just like all TV remotes

"I'd be the last person I'd introduce to your girlfriend, I'd probably take her. No shadow of a doubt" he says. I hope they are showing these people being awful human beings so at the end we can look back and see how much they've changed. I doubt it though

Next up we have Jay. "A fanny batter is a lad who is after all the fanny, know what I mean, who is getting into all the fanny" is his first quote. I should probably just type the peoples names, show their picture and their first quote. There will never be anything to top this. "I like to take care of myself" he goes on to say (no laughing at the back!) "I like to do the feminine side of things in life" as he gets his body waxed and I watch. Fuck. "True geordie, taking the pain like this" he says about getting waxed, not realising a true Geordie probably wouldn't get his full body waxed

"I'm not falling into a relationship in the Geordie Shore house like, definitely not" he says, proving his point by wearing this. Nice shirt, where did you get, the homo store? He then sits down next to his mother "She looks after my clothes while I look after myself" Remember how Vicky said nice things about her family? "If there's a bird willing to do my washing of course I'll let her do it" Jay says while sitting next to his mother "I'll pay her back in other ways!" and then he laughs. So does his mother. Christ

Next we cut back to Vicky looking around the house. "Geordie Shore is nothing like I could have imagined" she says about a nice house, which must mean she hasn't much imagination. This is reinofrced when she looks at some chairs and says "Fuck. Off" Relax, confused people! This is a good thing. She says "fuck off" to register disbelief at her being in a nice house. "It's like Goldilocks!" she cries when she sees three single beds next to each other. Aw man, and Vicky was my favourite too :(

No time to be sad, the next person is up! Here is Charlotte, and the first shot of her is her taking pictures of herself in her underwear while in a bathroom. "I've slept with a lot of people. Not like loads! Not like thousands" is her first quote, and I really regret doing this. This is a terrible idea. "I'm definitely shallow when it comes to boys" is her second. "If I had nicknames my friends would call me an idiot, my ex boyfriend would call me a psycho and my family would say they hate me because I do their head in" is her third. FUCK THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA WHY AM I DOING THIS GODDAMMIT

"If I see a bird I like, I'll get my wingman to pull her fat mate and I'll get her" says Greg. "If the lads aren't dressed well on the Geordie Shore I will rip the piss!" he exclaims. If you are unaware, ripping the piss means to make fun of. I'm not sure how you would go about actually ripping a piss, but it sounds messy. "I'm usually pretty picky, but when I'm pissed it's a different story like" he says "Everyone will know me, if you go out in Newcastle a lot you are well know, and I'm well known" he brags. Oh yeah? Well I nearly have 800 followers on twitter. Your move, asshole

Lastly, we have the one everyone knows, the big huge tits, Holly. For reasons unknwon to me, MTV got hit with a severe case of lack of subtelty and decided her first shot should be on a fucking trampoline, which I managed to get a shot off just as her face began to melt. "This one (her right breast) is called Heidi and this one (her left breast) is called Audrina and when the song 'Heidi and Audrina eat your heart out" comes on *points to her breasts* these are my babies"

"My party trick is putting a glass between my boobs and being able to drink from it" She is not fucking around, although it's signficantly less impressive with the fact she uses a straw. "If someone asks me if I have a boyfriend I'll say straight up I have a boyfriend" she says, which is the second nice thing I've heard so far "Everyone in Geordie Shore is probably single but I don't care, I'll do what I want" If you think she is going to be faithful toher boyfriend then SPOILERS - the girl in the hot tub who got her tits out at the start was her

Fuck this. I've typed a lot of fucking words already and I'm only 7 minutes into this 43 minute show. This will be a introduction to the characters in this grotesque play called "Geordie Shore" so next time I'll actually be able to skip the fucking boring stuff and get down to these horrible people being horrible people and making me miserable. Fuck these fucking people

Are you there God? It's me, The Big Bang Theory

After finishing the first season I promised to continue to share my thoughts of The Big Bang Theory. Why? If I had to watch the thing then you have to read my pure undistilled despair of doing something so shitty

You'll be happy to know that I eventually gave up with the whole notion of watching it. You'll be a bit more upset to find out I made it halfway through season 3 before doing so, but I always was a bit slow on the uptake

There were two specific moments I knew there was no way I could continue watching - they were the first episode of season 2 and the first episode of season 3

At the start of the second season you saw the show move in a different direction. Things I complained about before, like lack of continuity or some of the characters having pretty much no personality, were rectified somewhat, but there was one change in particular which irked me immensly

They started to focus more on the autistic guy. Instead of him being a side character to the will they won't they saga, he gets pushed to the forefront for most of season 2. Whether some focus group said they should focus on him or the writers had some side effects to shotgunning bleach, I don't know but this is what happens

So now we have the most irritating character in the show , and now he is in over 80% of the scenes. We all remember the Poochey episode of the Simpsons, and it's like that except it's not a parody, it's actually happening. He doesn't change at all - he doesn't understand basic human emotions and responses, he's still arrogant and insufferable to everyone, he's still horrible to his friends who spend a lot of time asking "Why are we friends with him?" but of course it's the autistic one who leaves them and they must crawl back to him

He becomes such a central part of the show that they may as wellchange the title to The Autistic One Theory. The show becomes even more difficult to watch, but the biggest crime is the show becomes even more boring. With the new central idea of the show installed the "jokes" are exactly the same - long winded explanations that border on ridiculous or "nerds don't understand things most people do" which gets a lot more air time in the second season

The worst offender is the autistic guy then starts explaining other people's jokes as humour. If someone says something sarcastic the autistic one will point out it's sarcasm, why what the person said was sarcastic, the reason why they used the sarcasm in the first place (usually to illustrate how ridiculous the situation is or for sheer petty humour) and finish things off with either disdain if it's aimed at him or a completely fake "Aha! I get the joke!" laugh, and it's the fucking worst and it gets worse everytime it happens again

If you are brain damaged yourself and give even the remotest shit about the show, at the end of the first season the cute girl and the nerd go out, but it goes badly and they stop after one date. Halfway through the season the nerd gets a new girlfriend, who then disappears a few episodes later without a trace as he begins to mope about the cute girl. At the end of the second season all of the nerds go to Antartica for nerd reasons and the cute girl is upset because she doesn't want the nerd to go

Then the third season starts and they start going out again. This makes the entire second season pointless, apart from one thing. At the start of the second season they pushed the autistic guy to the forefront. What can they do top that for the start of the third season? Why, they gave him his own catchphrase!

"Bazinga!" is his catchphrase, and if you ever heard anyone say this out loud IRL then please tell me so I can murder them. Whenever the autistic one makes a joke, uses sarcasm, insults one of his friends, explains humour, or gives a long winded explanation to something which leaves the other people present dumbfounded he will say "Bazinga!" He will say this 4-5 times an episode

If they were trying to slowly create the worst character in the history of television then there is nowhere to go. They've nailed it. The show went from boring and mediocre to something so obnoxious that I dreaded even the thought of watching the show again. I got up to episode 12 of season 3 and my will just gave out. I've done a lot of awful things all the way through, but there is absolutely no way I could stomach any more of The Big Bang Theory

I couldn't even watch it in a "This is how you don't write a TV Show" way. I'd put an episode on and I'd sit there, growing progressively bored and irritated for 20 minutes. Then I'd do it again. I eventually got through 2 hours of episodes in a row without coming across anything even resembling a joke and I quit. I'm fairly sure at this point that humour is dead and nothing will ever be funny again. This will be my burden

Mock me if you want. For either doing this shitty idea in the first place, continuing the shitty idea for so long or for taking so long to stop with this shitty idea. But don't follow in my footsteps. Don't think "How bad could it be?" and give it a shot. The answer is far worse then you could ever imagine, and nobody deserves to suffer through the horrors I have

The Big Bang Theory, or why I don't post about it on Twitter anymore

Lately, in an effort to try and see if it truly deserves it's scorn, I started watching the first season of The Big Bang Theory. I'm sure you've at least heard of the show, if not watched it, and it always had its polarizing opinion. People either think it's great,or they despise it with unyielding hatred

A lot of people like it because it's a sitcom. That seems relly generalised, but it's true. Sitcoms generally go over well - its content isn't edgy, it's formulaic and as such the familiarity helps people settle into the show without much effort, it has a central cast of characters and anyone outside of the main ones aren't in it enough to cause much confusion at their presence

Sitcoms are the safety net of TV. There's no real way for them to go wrong. The only way to screw one up is before the show is even started - if you can't get a semi-believable scenario and put in some semi-believable characters into it then you probably shouldn't be writing a sitcom and instead should put your safety helmet back on in case you fall over and become even more brain damaged

After Friends though, a sitcom needs a hook. Why bother having a bunch of people living their lives when Friends did that far more succesfully then you ever will? Here is where most of the dislike towards The Big Bang Theory stems - four of the five main characters in the show are nerds

Now, I'm a nerd. A pretty big one, if I'm honest. If you are reading this the chances are you are either a nerd yourself on some level or my Mother (Hi Mom, thanks for reading!) so the nerdiness is implied. This isn't the problem. The problem stems from the portrayal of nerds within the show

This isn't some "Yeah, I'm a nerd and we aren't like that!" bullshit. As a nerd, I completely understand that most of us are completely insufferable shitheads. This is why I get that a show that is full of nerds will be shit, since statistically at least three of the nerd characters will be fucking annoying bastards. Guess what!? It averages out that three of the nerd characters are fucking annoying bastards!

We have Leonard, the "main" character. He is a nerd. He works as some sciency nerdy job I can barely remember. He's very smart, loves sci-fi, video games, and so on. You can pretty much fill in the blanks yourself. He is half a fucking annoying bastard, since he's whiny because his life choices means when the pretty girl turns up in the first episode he can't court her as well as he wants. He is the least annoying one of the four though, since he at least has the social awareness to be a normal person, or at least try his best to be one

Next we have his roomate, Sheldon. He is the most annoying person in the entire show. He's the autistic one with a high IQ. He's egotistical one who believes and acts like he's better than everyone else, not understanding basic human concepts, correcting everyone's slight mistakes with long winded speechs about whatever, and completely self centered. I actually know someone like this IRL and it's the most annoying shit in the fucking world - I don't want to watch an even worse version of him for entertainment

Next is their friend, Howard. He is the creepy one. The mouth breather who always drops the pick up lines on women thinking it will get him somewhere. Most of the time it won't work because it's creepy, but once in a while it does because that is funny too! He's also Jewish, but because we have to get a;; these top notch Jewish jokes into the show! Haha, talking about circumcision as a chat up line!? How crazy!

The last nerd is Rajesh, the black one from India. Probably dragged in so the show can't be described as racist (there literally has not been one other black person in the show who has got a line) he is Leonard lite, apart from the fact he can't talk to women. That is 90% of his jokes right there - when there are women around he literally cannot speak. Because he's a nerd and he's shy. When women aren't around he isn't so bad, but goddamn son that is some anime shit right there

Lastly is Penny, the cute girl Leonard likes. She is esentially a blank slate. She is pretty, "normal" and gets frustrated with the guys nerdiness but seems to like them anyways. Her personality is set to "love interest" and is essentially non existant beyond that. She may as well be a blow up doll, although the actor playing her does her best with how little she actually gets to work with

Now, I'm sure you can guess where the show is going. Have Leonard fall for her and try to woo her, have the other nerds slowly exit their shells and learn to be better people and at the end Leonard gets the girl. That is exactly what happens, except all the character progression bits. You may notice that watching the characters change and evolve is the most interesting part of any show is the most interesting part of it - you'd be right. There is literally none in here

In the first episode the scene is set. You meet the characters, their situations, and the set up for the entire first season - Leonard likes Penny but is unable to make a move due to nerdiness. In the last episode of the season he makes a move and they get together. Everything in between is mostly Leonard's failed attempts of making a move or some kind of nerdy event with his other nerds. Every episode is stand alone, which is helpful to let people dip in and out, not so helpful when you want to build things like narrative

Things like continuity is important in sitcoms. If something happens to a character in an earlier episode, do you know how easy it is to reference it later? There's no real timeline to it, it's just a bunch of arbitrary events that happen to the people in the show for no rhyme or reason. Nothing they do goes anywhere or has any meaning, so why even bother watching it?

The humour is also pretty bad. It references a lot of nerd culture, but it goes one of two ways. Either it exaggerates it to such an extent that it's borderline ridiculous and thus the humour is formed. Haha, the four nerds are trying to build a shelf from Ikea but they argue about wasted space so they are altering the plans with all these intricate science terms to make it better, then leaving to set this up while the woman struggles to build it! Isn't that just silly!?

The other way is just straight up quoting from nerd culture. In one episode, the autistic guy gets a rival who is younger and smarter than he is. He literally says "There is a disturbance in the force" after the rival leaves, with Leonard then doing a Yoda impression. You see, they were quoting Star Wars! Do you get it!? Haha, boy these nerds are just crazy!

And that's where the show fails - it has no subtelty and it has no faith in its own audience. The exagerations usually stem from the nerds making rereference to an obscure scientific theory that most people won'tknow or understand, so by overexplaining it it becomes borderline ridiculous and that is funny. It's really not. The straight up quotations, not even little references or nods, is just insulting to the intelligence of it's viewer

Which begs the question - just who is the target audience for the show? As much as it is about a bunch of nerds, it's not aimed at nerds, for reasons I've mentioned here in long, pretty boring detail. So it's aimed at a more "casual" audience (NOTE: I hate the term casual when referring to things like this because it's fucking dumb, but I'm using it anyways. Fuck all y'all) the kind of person who loved Friends but hasn't filled the hole after it finished. The people who might get the quotes, even though they may as well follow it up with the writer walking on screen and saying "IT'S A QUOTE FROM THIS MOVIE. WE ARE MAKING A REFERENCE TO IT. WE ARE DOING THIS TO MAKE YOU REALISE THEY ARE NERDS!" although they won'tfollow the exagerations at all. They are just there to be ridiculous, and would work so much better if they didn'tdo this several times an episode

Now, where can the show go from here? The main guy and the girl have got together after season one. Either the relationship will be rocky and they break up leading to awkward break up friends scenario before they probably get back together, or they'll struggle at first but eventually get along and live happily ever after. I'm guessing the latter, since it has very little conflict and chances for personal growth of the characters involved. which is apparently the MO of the show

If you want to watch a sitcom, go with How I Met Your Mother, a sitcom that has good actors playing some good characters, a very tight script and is actually funny. If you want to watch 4 horrible people and an attractive woman do nothing for 22 episodes then watch the first season of The Big Bang Theory. I'm going to watch Season 2 and will probably type more words about it later, but again at least it's not me spending weeks on twitter saying "UUURRRRGGGH THIS SHOW IS SO BAD IT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF" over and over, because the only thing more boring than this fucking blog post is me shitting up an actual funny place

HELLOOOOOO BROTHER! *flexes*

Once again my fellow patriot and George W Bush voter Daniel Hopper has decided to help me look at nerds online. It was a poor decision for many reasons



Paul Hardy: Is that Dustin Diamond on the left?

Daniel Hopper: Whoever he is he's waaaaaaay too smug looking for a guy wearing
chainmail.

Daniel Hopper: The guy on the right has one of those problem faces. Like as if
his face is going through foundation issues and sinking into his neck. I had
those once. I hope he's got a big stockpile of money hidden away 'cause face
foundations are important and the guys who fix them are well aware of that
fact.

Paul Hardy: The guy in the middle is LARP dad. He liks AFI and tries to hang
with his kids who think he's a huge dork, so he goes away on the second sunday
of every month to hang with the real cool kids

Daniel Hopper: FUCK YOU LARP DAD! I PEREFER MOM'S NEW BOYFRIEND DnD DAD MORE
THAN YOU!

Paul Hardy: DnD DAD ALSO WEARS CHAINMAIL BUT HE LETS ME SMOKE WHEN MOM IS OUT!

Paul Hardy: Is the dude in the middle wearing a shiny glove? Is he LARPing for
the memory of Michael Jackson?

Daniel Hopper: Alas ser Jackson of Michael I shall slay the demon and avenge
ye but first i must pick up mine spawn and their bastard step sister who's
burgeoning sexuality scares me.

Daniel Hopper: Honestly, I think it might just be his amazingly white skin

Paul Hardy: Actually, the middle guys glove looks more like a prosthetic now

Daniel Hopper: Yeah I dont think he's wearing a glove

Daniel Hopper: The advanced LARPer knows that gloves doth loosen ones grip
upon a challace of THE DEW

Paul Hardy: He has a ring on his middle finger OH MY GOD ITS THE GOATMAN

Daniel Hopper: This is the saddest photo I've ever seen. I bet the
photographer was so haunted by what he saw and the fact that he did nothing to
stop it that he commited suicide like the guy who photographed that starving
african child being watched by a vulture

Daniel Hopper: The Larp went well but alas, Larp Dad and his squire were
felled, making fat Ron Pearlman's victory bittersweet

Daniel Hopper: JESUS CHRIST LARP DAD TAKE YOUR NU-METAL EAR PLUGS OUT YOU'RE
BREAKING CHARACTER!

Paul Hardy: Uhhh, LARP Dad is clearly an elf and they gain a bonus to their
hearing, which is represented by the ear plugs. Read the rule book, idiot

Paul Hardy: Honestly, I never saw the appeal of those ear plugs and I don't
think I ever will

Daniel Hopper: That's easy to say in hindsight but looking back I dont
understand the appeal of Limp Bizkit and yet there's a copy of chocolate
starfish tucked away somewhere in the garage

Daniel Hopper: I admire LARP dads commitment. When I think I look like a prick
I change what I'm wearing, but not him. He stands by his convictions

Paul Hardy: You say that but I don't think you've ever worn a cloak. The cloak
takes things to a whole new level

Daniel Hopper: It gives him +4 to sexhaving resistance

Daniel Hopper: I wish I knew what was going on here. I mean it probably is a
LARP but we'll never know for sure

Paul Hardy: There's something off about the guy on the right. Either he's been
photoshopped in or he is a ghost

Daniel Hopper: Yeah, he doesnt belong there. It looks like he's been spliced
in to cover up someone else, like one of the doctered Soviet photos

Paul Hardy: A guy dressed up as a dwarf except he came in black face because
"Dwarves are the blacks of LARP! Right guys!?" and everyone was embarrassed so
fat guy here gets photoshopped in

Daniel Hopper: Ghost dude shows up and thinks he's haunting the past

Daniel Hopper: James used to be in the photo but he didn't have any time for
larping after he met Debbie

Daniel Hopper: LARP dad looks like the type of guy who'd feel his friends not
showing up at every renfair style event he hosts is the deepest of betrayals
and then photoshop them out of his life

Paul Hardy: Just like my ex wife THAT BITCH taking away my kids. I tried
talking to the druids to cast a curse on her but they refused. God I miss my
kids

Daniel Hopper: DRUIDS DONT CAST CURSES YOU DWEEB! HE'D WANT TO SPEAK TO A
PRACTIONER OF BLOOD MAGIC NOT A FUCKING DRUID CHRIST!

Paul Hardy: Trap sprung you fucking nerd! How about you thow yourself into the
locker to save me the effort?

Daniel Hopper: fffffffffffffffffffUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!




Daniel Hopper: Welcome to prison

Paul Hardy: I'd ask why he has the kool aid guy tattooed below his belly
button but I feel like I should know why already

Daniel Hopper: Yeah that's right i want two iron crosses at the top of my
chest (in this day and age, really?) and the cool aid guy down on the cusp of
my genital region

Daniel Hopper: This guy is like 46 and clearly proud of his tatoos.
Conclusion; he is a racist manchild

Paul Hardy: Does that say OJ dead? I get that he's racist but if anyone else
is also going to kill their wife its going to be this guy

Daniel Hopper: You think this is a file photo released by the police?

Daniel Hopper: If I'm not mistaken he's got two cartons of kreatine 'buff up'
weight training powder on his desk there. No weight lifting equipment in sight

Paul Hardy: You want to know what is probably the worst thing about this?

Daniel Hopper: All of it?

Paul Hardy: I have an even worse tattoo picture right here



Daniel Hopper: No. Why would you do this?

Daniel Hopper: You sure that isnt some sort of rub on tween transfer tattoo?

Paul Hardy: Why would anyone put a rub on transfer tattoo on the back of their
neck?

Daniel Hopper: Why would anyone tattoo that on the back of their neck?

Paul Hardy: Because people who like Harry Potter are 1) children willing to do
stupid things and 2) manchildren completely obsessed with books aimed at
children

Daniel Hopper: That's not fair, most Harry Potter fans are probably normal
people, but the ones who take it too far are crazy

Paul Hardy: You only ever see the crazy ones since most normal Harry Potter
fans have enough shame to not bring the topic up

Daniel Hopper: Do you think they got the HP done first and then added the
writing after too many people kept confusing it with the brand of brown sauce?

Paul Hardy: They were sick of people saying "HP? Oh yeah, like Final Fantasy
and shit?" URGH NO IT IS HARRY POTTER GOD FUCK YOU LARP DAD YOU KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT ME AAAAAAAAARGH

Daniel Hopper: Well done on making LARP dad a sympathetic character



Paul Hardy: I took this picture. Seconds later that guy was dead. You're
welcome

Daniel Hopper: Man see's goatse for the first time

Daniel Hopper: I got this photo from a post your pic thread so not only does
it exist but it is a photo a person wants associated with him

Daniel Hopper: This could only have been taken at a nerdcore event of some
sort

Paul Hardy: It looks like he has no face, just one really large neck

Daniel Hopper: He looks like Beaker from the Muppets, if Beaker smoked a
shitload of weed

Paul Hardy: And also if I hated Beaker

Daniel Hopper: It's the wanting people to see this photo thing I dont
understand. Lord knows I take a terrible photograph but I don't post them all
on the internet and shout "Look at me!"

Paul Hardy: Maybe he wanted to skip the getting to know him part and get
straight to everyone hating him?

Paul Hardy: I like how he's clearly at this event by himself, but everyone has
grouped up without him so hes left wandering by himself

Daniel Hopper: He took the photo himself by just dropping his camera to the
floor

Paul Hardy: He went to the event by himself just to take this picture to prove
to the internet he went outside

Daniel Hopper: Enough, I dont want to look at him anymore



Daniel Hopper: The guy on the left isnt as into it as the other two. Actually,
neither's the guy on the right

Daniel Hopper: You got a problem with this picture? This picture right here is
an oasis of style, elegance and fashion. Everything about it owns but the bird
is fantastic. You could say the bird is the 'coop' de grace HAHAHAHA

Paul Hardy: It was on the first page of google image search for "steampunk"

Daniel Hopper: Nah this aint steampunk, this is some chill dudes having a good
time

Paul Hardy: I literally searched for steampunk and I got this. The file is
called steampunkwhatevernumber and theres a whole gallery of steampunk with
these dudes

Daniel Hopper: Oh man link me to that shit. You know I need steampunk pics to
help me feel better about myself and combat my cripplingly low self esteem

Paul Hardy: No my friend. I'm sorry but I tricked you with this picture. This
is an intervention

Daniel Hopper: Fuck, not again

Paul Hardy: I know you hate white people. I do too, but you hate white people
so much that every black person is cool in comparison. I'm sorry, but it does
not work this way. These dapper gents are steampunkers. You need to accept
this

Daniel Hopper: Whatever, maybe thats so but this is steampunk I can get behind

Paul Hardy: You will never find steampunk like this outside of this photo.
Except maybe in the other ones I found of these 3 walking around New York
wearing these exact clothes



Daniel Hopper: Awwww I know what this is cosplay of. It's the crossdressing
section of FF7

Paul Hardy: Correct

Daniel Hopper: Fuck my fucking life

Daniel Hopper: Look at the dudes arms man, this guy is clearly too buff to
cosplay Cloud

Paul Hardy: The thing about this is I have another picture of this guy in a
different costume and...well...I'll show you




Paul Hardy: I'll give you a clue - he isnt the fat black Boss and he isnt the
singer from Gogol Bordello either

Daniel Hopper: WE AREN'T DOING THIS TO LOOK AT PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE BUFF THAN
WE ARE, IF I WANTED THAT I'D LOOK AT LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD

Daniel Hopper: Holy shit, that dude is just amazingly buff. Good for him

Paul Hardy: The dude is buff as heck and he dresses up in drag as a Final
Fantasy character and also as Liquid Snake. Most people cosplay because they
arent buff as fuck, he is and still does it. He's like Blade, he walks both
sides of the world

Daniel Hopper: HE'S GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT! He looked in the mirror one
morning and realised that he could be the buffest dude in cosplay. I salute
him and his washboard abs

Daniel Hopper: I feel bad for skinny Snake, although to be fair, that's some
pretty good cosplay of a nes sprite

Paul Hardy: Really, I just wanted to make fun of the fat Boss in the middle

Daniel Hopper: The Biggest Boss

Paul Hardy: "Paramedic, is it ok if I eat all the chocolate?" "No Snake, you
need to keep your strength up in the jungle" "....Uh oh"

Daniel Hopper: "Paramedic I think I'm about to fall into a hypoglycemic state
what should I do?" "For fucks sake, Snake"

Paul Hardy: "Quick paramedic, I forgot to bring my insulin over the Russian
border!"

Daniel Hopper: Look at us, acting like he would ask Paramedic if food is safe
to eat

Paul Hardy: "Snake, you need to stop Big Boss" "No colonol, not until I finish
dubbing this weeks Naruto!"

Paul Hardy: I dont want to make fun of him too much though, in case Buff
Liquid comes to find us

Daniel Hopper: I do not wanna fuck with Buff Liquid

Daniel Hopper: "OI YOU GEEZERS MAKIN FUN OF FAT BOSS! HE'S GOT A THYROID
PROBLEM YOU WANKERS! *murders us with his patented crippler crossface*

Paul Hardy: He was wearing a dress before, so it's believable for him to wear
a bra while he murders us. Although you connecting the dots between buff
Liquid here and Chev Chelios does not make me feel comfortable about my life
expectancy

Daniel Hopper: Why, Liquid was meant to be British

Paul Hardy: I think buff British dude, I think of Chev Chelios. Although thats
not saying much, it's not often where I dont think of chev chelios

Daniel Hopper: I think of Chev Chelios every night before I fall asleep and
every morning when I wake up




Paul Hardy: The best cosplay

Daniel Hopper: Scorpion looks like he's having a fatality performed on him

Paul Hardy: Putting the fat into fatality

Daniel Hopper: Finish Him! *Kano sits back and waits for a massive cardiac
arrest to do its work*

Paul Hardy: Liu Kang throws some bacon off a cliff and watches as Scorpion
barrels over the edge after them

Daniel Hopper: Scorpion rises from a portal from the underworld only to get
stuck halfway. Jonny Cage wins by forefit

Paul Hardy: "Get over here!" Scorpion shouts "Seriously, you have to come
here. I'm too winded to even move anymore"

Daniel Hopper: I'm not comfortable here 'cause I can see a scenario in which
Reptile, Sub Zero and Ermac track us down and beat the shit out of us for
laughing at their friend. I predicted it would happen in a dream last night

Paul Hardy: Buff Liquid and the 3 Mortal Kombat ninjas camping outside my
house, waiting for me to leave

Daniel Hopper: Jokes on them, then



Paul Hardy: Cosplay - where everyone is either too fat or too thin to really
be anyone

Daniel Hopper: YOU KIDS GET BACK HERE YOU AREN'T GOING OUT DRESSED LIKE THAT!

Paul Hardy: I think all of these are women

Daniel Hopper: Yeah, I was playing guess the gender too. It's hard when you've
only heard stories about what women look like :(

Paul Hardy: Just like Cloud from FF7 I'm really not sure of the gender though

Daniel Hopper: Yeah, I mean the hair is shit but all in all that's basically
Cloud irl. Vincent is spot on too. I dunno who the other two are, but the one
on the right needs to buy an iron though, Jesus Christ!

Paul Hardy: I think the one on the right is meant to be Sheena from Tales of
Symphonia

Daniel Hopper: To be fair to these people, it's not entierly their fault.
Anime characters do not work in the real world. Least not until the anime
singularity occurs

Paul Hardy: I get that waiting for the anime reality to begin is difficult,
but come on guys!

Paul Hardy: You know, its my dream to go to one of these conventions. If the
women are willing to do things like this, then at least one of them will have
such low self esteem to sleep with me

Daniel Hopper: Slow down there Assange! That's sexually agressive and I dont
like where this is heading

Paul Hardy: You arent a lawyer, no matter what you tell strangers!

Daniel Hopper: I don't want to prosecute you, I'm just not in the mood for
another of your sexually agressive stories. For future reference, that's
basically my default mood

Paul Hardy: Every story is sexually agressive when you are an asexual eunuch

Daniel Hopper: Back to your earlier point, I'd like to go to one of these
things too. I'd like to be the most confident person in a room for once in my
life. Although dressing up like that takes a lot of confidence. Scratch that,
I want to be the most mentally stable person in a room for once in my life




Daniel Hopper: HOWDY INTERNET

Daniel Hopper: I hope this picture finds it's way into the email account of
anybody considering this man as a viable candidate for employment

Paul Hardy: People who take pictures like these are the worst. They have to
show what wacky and random people they are to everyone, or else how will
people know they are funny!?

Daniel Hopper: I like the photo behind him in which the people are so
disgusted by what he's doing they cant watch

Paul Hardy: I just took a picture of me with a dildo on my head! Oh ho ho,
what wont I do!?

Paul Hardy: Have a girlfriend, for a start

Paul Hardy: Shave

Paul Hardy: See me driving towards at him at speeds well over the legal limit

Paul Hardy: Make his parents proud of him

Daniel Hopper: Not use that dildo on himself

Paul Hardy: Ask non white people directions if he ever gets lost

Paul Hardy: Think video games are higher art

Paul Hardy: Rape a woman, but if a woman gets raped then she probably deserved
it

Daniel Hopper: I SAID NONE OF YOUR SEXUALLY AGRESSIVE VIEWS!

Daniel Hopper: I look at this photo and all i want to do is shave

Paul Hardy: If I had to guess, you got this from the xkcd forums

Daniel Hopper: Nah, the ctrl alt del forums

Daniel Hopper: You'd be surprised how many ctrl alt del fans are in the army
or dress up as if they were in the army

Paul Hardy: Are you saying that people in the army are stupid manchildren too
afraid of missing a joke so they gather around places where the joke is
explained to them before the joke has been made?

Daniel Hopper: If the joke is murdering civillians

Paul Hardy: The joke is never murdering civilians, but in the army the
punchline usually is

Daniel Hopper: Look at it this way. CaD is: anti-women, homophobic, needlesly
violent, cautious not to treat black people with too much respect, not as
funny as it thinks it is. Thats the army bro

Paul Hardy: I really cant argue with that




Daniel Hopper: The saddest nerd

Daniel Hopper: E3.jpeg

Daniel Hopper: jorts.jpeg

Daniel Hopper: busy_day_at_the_bitcoin_bank.jpeg

Paul Hardy: I can sense this guys story just from looking at him. His moms
house burned down when the computers in the basement he was using to mine for
bitcoins over heated

Daniel Hopper: Nah, he carried a printer all the way to this girls house and
she wouldn't sleep with him as a reward

Paul Hardy: I can see why they want to be known as anonymous now

Daniel Hopper: I would disown a child for lesser sins than what this guy is
wearing

Paul Hardy: Imagine the pit stains this guy will be rocking

Daniel Hopper: This dude is the reason people hate the West

Daniel Hopper: Devestated, Ian looks on as angry protestors overturn a hotdog
stand.

Paul Hardy: "War" he is quoted as saying afterwards "War never changes"

Daniel Hopper: Homeless people mug him for his shirt which they use as a
shelter

Paul Hardy: A family of rats vacate this guys jorts, saying they dont live up
to their lofty standards of living

Daniel Hopper: I wonder what he's so sad about. Seriously, something has hit
this guy pretty hard

Paul Hardy: Maybe LARP dad has disowned him?

Daniel Hopper: That bastard!

Daniel Hopper: "LARP dad caught me playing DnD 4th edition, can I come stay
with you for a few days?"

Paul Hardy: "Jokes on him, I had to use his cloak as toilet paper since the
usual stuff wasn't big enough"

Daniel Hopper: I'm gonna print this out and put it next to a picture of people
starving in Africa and make mad money on the modern art scene

Paul Hardy: Photoshop this guy looking at the starving African child instead
of the vulture

Daniel Hopper: Get ready to dive into a Scrooge McDuck style money pit!

Paul Hardy: Just so long as it is all bitcoins

Daniel Hopper: He just got off the phone. Steve was able to download the
latest Naruto but he could only find dubs. BAKA!



Daniel Hopper: This dude just got done fucking his cat

Paul Hardy: Jesus man, you could have given me a heads up here

Daniel Hopper: I love Star Wars as much as the next guy, but episode I
bedsheets?! C'mon dude!

Paul Hardy: Everything about this picture is wrong. It's the anti goatse

Daniel Hopper: His cat looks remorseful

Paul Hardy: You want to see remorseful? I'll post a picture of me looking at
this picture

Daniel Hopper: It has given me an idea for a tumbler though; twinks with cats.

Daniel Hopper: I know that there's a lot to work with here and that this photo
could be really funny but I can't. I just can't muster up the strength to mock
it. It has sapped my will to live

Paul Hardy: I know exactly what you mean. This is just grody man, can we just
stop?

Daniel Hopper: Please

Paul Hardy: I'd rather risk having some other people try to kill us than look
at this dude any more

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it never really was the best of times

The News of the World dies today. Edition #8,674. Started 1843. How such a piece of shit like that could last so long is beyond me, but as it's life support is finally pulled, it decides to be nostalgic for it's very last edition. Boldly proclaiming itself "The world's greatest newspaper" on the very front cover, you'd forgive me if I don't believe it. Calling something the world's greatest newspaper is a backhanded compliment at the best of times, but I doubt the world's greatest newspaper would be shut down due to hacking the phonelines of the parents of dead children in the first place

It actually has a George Orwell quote on page 3. I'll save you the bother of typing it up, since they only use it because he mentions the newspaper. You'll see this a lot - it drags famous people but only when it mentions itself. I wasn't really sure you could be vain in retrospection but it manages it somehow. The entire opening article is "Here are some things we've reported - aren't we great?" ignoring the fact that literally every other newspaper also reported the exact same stories

Now I don't want to be accused of being a bandwagoner here. I've read the News of the World for years. I can say without a shadow of a doubt the paper is garbage, and has been for years. Only the most boring celebrity drivel, wild accusations of drugs and affairs, random sheik's turning up and then making their excuses. The News of the World has had lots of this, and they've all been shit. It gives washed up has been celebrities an open day to try and be relevant, whether it was racist cancer ridden mong Jade Goody or worthless scouse cokehead Kerry Katona - these are the real exclusives the paper has got, because nobody else gives a shit

Even when it mentions the phone hacking scandal in the article, it ignores why everyone is so outraged. It brushes all of that aside and pleads that "history will eventually judge us on all our years" I'll be getting onto their history later in a fucking 48 page pullout of all their "best" stories, but as I've already mentioned and will keep mentioning - it has been shit

Now if I went through the entire paper I'll be here all day and this will end up being a dissertation - it's over 100 pages today. It will eventually go into the "news" for what that is worth, but it is mostly looking back and giving themselves a pat on the back. Pages 4+5 are about the fake sheik and all the "good" he's done. 6+7 are all the causes they've started, from Sarah's Law (Yes NotW, Sarah's Law was passed entirely by you. You did all of it. Congrats) to 7/7 compensation, our countries9/11 except not as bad, to that woman from Eastenders whose brother was stabbed. Remember her? She was a lesbian for a bit and then she died or something

Page 8 has a collection of tweets from people outraged the paper is no more. Surprise surprise, fat shithead Piers Morgan is unhappy about it! Didn't he used to work there? Hmmm! Notice they never mention anything negative about the paper being shut down, it'sall very sympathetic. Bless. Page 9 is full of famous women with their tits out. It'stook 9 pages of awful self congratulation but we've finally started to reach what this paper is all about

But that stops for now, as in no particular order - Prince William misses his mum. Princess Diana will be a theme that will continue throughout the paper, and the theme is abject boredom. He also wishes David Beckham luck, since Victoria is about to give birth. NEWS! Nextpage we have picturesof Prince Harry's new girlfriend wearing not much, and then a story about Chelsea not letting players hair dressers into the training ground. Next page has story about the average amount of gold in our homes (Two and a half grands worth, or enough to give Ron Paul a semi) and next we have a story about Coronation Street losing viewers

That's 15 pages and we've had nothing but awkward self congratulation and worthless filler stories. There has not been a single story in that space that could even be described as news, never mind news for the world's greatest newspaper. Page 16 has Gwyneth Paltrow on a beach, when everyone would much rather have her head ina box, and on page 17 we have our fake sheik at it again - this time infiltrating a fat Bulgarian sex slave. Betty Ford's death gets pushed into the corner of page 17, the former first lady of America dying having the indignity of having less space than Kate Moss' honeymoon

Carole Malone, a person most people have no idea exists, then writes an entire fucking page about absolutely nothing. She is worthless. Carole Malone, you seem to me like the kind of person who searches your own name so let me tell you now that I hate you. You have been writing in the paper for ages and you have never once even came close to an interesting thought. Your opinion on anything is as worthless as your very existence. Now the paper has died it would be too mean for me to say I wish you will as well, so I'll just think that instead

Next up - the celeb page! Yes, all the celebrity stuff before now wasn't realceleb gossip, this is the only page for that! The guy from here gets points for disliking Lily Allen, but loses them for his topten showbiz scoops - Jordan's second husband being on verge of suicide? Noel Fielding being a drug addict? One of the fat bastards from Blue says he's bisexual, and so is Pink? Charlotte Church gets divorced? It's like a who's who of nobodies flailing wildly for attention. Only in the News of the World

Next page - some loser from the Apprentice has a business that isn't doing well. He gets a two page spread. Nextage tells us Blackpool is the best place for a holiday. A whole page. Katy Perry buys a new house gets half a page next, with the BBC paying it's "fatcats" lots of money gets the other half. 30 pages now and only 2 pages have anything even resembling a news story

It's TV critic is next, although I always liked reading it since he always puts in some kind of burn on Piers Morgan. Next page headline is, I shit you not "Custard biscuit, fish fingers and smiley potato faces named as our greatest inventions" Well done Britain, we will soon reach the days of imperialism soon! Next we have a varied collection of stories - weird face sometimes prostitute never actor Billie Piper says she does not want another child! Dermot O Leary says he begged ITV to be on his new awful TV show! "Soap legend" Sarah Lancashire unhappy about amount of reality TV on the air! Nonentities giving nonstories to a nonnewspaper!

Next we have 48 pages of NotW headlines. My favourite is "DIANA DEAD" if only because a certain other newspaper fails to believe that. We also have Hugh Grant's affair with the prostitute, which is funny since he has been one of the most vocal people against the News of the World recently for being disgusting. It's like watching Saddam chastise Gaddafi for murdering his own people. A WORLD EXCLUSIVE of a woman pregnant with octuplets refusing to give up six of them to save the other two. All 8 eventually died. Lady, thats what happens when you try and give birth to calamari

John Leslie doing coke, Beckham cheating, Gordon Ramsey cheating. Oh, here's something interesting. Pig faced racistmong Jade Goody gives NotW an exclusive talk about her cancer. Reports the interview was "I'm dying innit" and they made up the rest was both made up entirely here and then denied. A picture of a bed that Michael Jackson died in - not nearly as interesting as the small boy he died in. Kerry Katona's "shame" of being a cokehead is next - they somehow manage to narrow it down to one newspaper rather than the several she's been on the front page for being photographed doing cocaine

Peter Crouch cheats, Wayne Rooney cheats, Ricky Hatton doing coke, Liz Hurley cheats, Ryan Giggs cheats. If you take out any mention of cocaine, affair or sheik then News of the World will probably not have a front page for the past 20 years. The back page of the paper has a picture of Bobby Moore raising the world cup in 1966, our only sporting triumph the entire time the paper was running. Gawd bless England

There. You don't need to buy or read the last edition of the paper. Anything worth reading (Fat Bulgarian pimp) has been mentioned, and lots of shit not worth reading has as well. There will be no more. It'll come back around, maybe not necesarily as the News of the World, but something of its ilk will return. Journalism is dying, and although the antics of this newspaper has put another nail into it's coffin, it will still try its best to live for a bit longer. And we need something like the News of the World to exist - if we don't have "the world's greatest newspaper" around, how are we to know what increasingly low standards are tolerated?

GORGE ISN'T HAPPY!

With the World's most wanted man finally dead, I'd imagine the blogosphere is going crazy with conspiracy theories and celebatory pats on the back for a job well done. I imagine that because 1) I'm not dumb enough to even start reading it and 2) The blogosphere is still the stupidest goddamn name for anything ever.

Me, I'm aking things down a different route. I'm going to write about the Seinfeld porn movie. Why? Fuck you, that's why.

WARNING - if you hate me talking about Seinfeld or dissecting humour, then don't bother reading this. Nothing stops a joke from being funny than explaining the humour, and I'm going to do it a lot in here. I'm gonna try and make sure there's no titties or dicks in the pictures but they'll still be some of a NSFW nature so there's that

First up I want to bring up the fact that this movie is two and a half hours long. If you want to watch a porn movie for two and a half hours then this is the porn movie for you. This porn movie was literally made for you. If you enjoyed the TV show Seinfeld (as you probably should) then you should never want to see this.

The whole idea of these porn parodys is baffling. You don't want to watch characters you like fuck each other, especially when the people who are fucking don't look like them at all. If you do want to watch your favourite TV characters fucking then go to Deviantart or something. Artistically its the same and you'll be saving yourself a lot of time as well.

Right, first line that Jerry...wait, no. It's not Jerry Seinfeld. It's Gerry Seinfeld! Haha, yes! Parody laws allow this movie to exist by the name of Seinfeld, but none of the characters are allowed to have the same names! The movie has barely started and the joke is clearly on me!

Anyways, Gerry says "What's the deal with the -ography at the end of pornography?". That is literally the first line of the movie. We are 14 seconds into this 2 and a half hour long monstrosity and I already want to quit. He mentions -ography means "to study something" and gives geography as an example. He then brings up the point that it should maybe be called dickography. Haha! He means masturbation! Because he's studying his penis and not the porn! There is no hint of subtlety at all and he literally says these things! That is the opening 43 seconds. Zero laughs

Alright, so sometimes the actual Jerry stand up opening wasn't that great either. It can be funny sometimes, but a lot of the time it's not, which explains why they eventually stopped with the stand up opening and replaced it with a short skit involving some of the characters. It often doesn't have any relevance to the rest of the episode, it was just a funny scene they couldn't fit into an episode so they just throw it there. It's short, inconsequental and fun. The movie is only one of these things. On a related note my penis is two of those things, which makes it better than this movie

Jerry: ...And that's why you'll never see a three headed dildo
Elaine: Because of the space-time continium?
Jerry: Exactly! The government will never allow it to exist!

You remember those conversations in Seinfeld? The camera started rolling halfway through so you only got the back end of the conversation. The contents of the conversation were sometimes ridiculous, but they always followed through in a believable way. The above conversation in the movie could just be

Jerry: Stupid porn idea
Elaine: Monkey cheese?
Jerry: Purple dishwasher!

I can't wait to see who wrote this. Also as an FYI, Elaine is called Elena in this. I will be referring to her as Elaine because fuck the stupid parody name shit

One of the most popular episodes of Seinfeld is the Soup Nazi episode. For those of you who haven't saw the episode, a new soup kitchen opens up but the owner is very intense, to the point of intimidation. But the soup the guy makes is the best soup in the world, so everyone puts up with it, except Elaine because nobody is her boss and also because she's an awful person. Humour can be found from this situation.

I'm mentioning this because if you take "soup" from that episode and replace it with "porn" that is the story to this movie. He's a porn nazi. He is very intense about porn. The guy owns a porn store. This is a thing that happens. I will point out that the porn nazi is the character who most resembles his real show counterpart, which is sad when you consider the guy was in one fucking episode. He's played by Evan Stone

The porn nazi scares the customer ahead of them off, and Jerry asks Elaine how he looks. Her response is "What's the opposite of a man?" It's a child, Elaine. The opposite of a man is a child. In the show Elaine is the one who usually puts down other people in a jokey sort of way, since that is part of her character. It's introduced early on and it keeps happening so you accept it as one of her traits. Nothing she has ever said in the show is as bad as "What's the opposite of a man?" She might as well have said "Like a big stupid dumb face idiot with poo poo all over your face"

The rest of the scene is exactly like it went in the TV show. Jerry goes to the counter sheepishly, asks for some porn, gets some, and he backs off quickly. Elaine goes to the counter and makes small talk. Porn nazi says "NO PORN FOR YOU!" and she leaves. Haha! Catchphrase!

HECK YES A SLAP BASS OVER A SHOT OF SOME APARTMENTS WE'RE REALLY WATCHING SEINFELD NOW I AM NOT EVEN JOKING WHEN I SAY THIS IS PROBABLY GOING TO BE THE BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE

Cut to Jerry's apartment. He is watching the porn he just bought. Elaine starts complaining about not being able to buy porn, but Jerry is too busy watching porn to listen. This is comedy. Elaine starts watching it too and also comments on how good it is. "I know! I got hard just watching the FBI Warning!" replies Jerry, in something resembling a joke. There are no more lines since the two of them start having sex.

Oh God, I actually have to talk about porn now? Jerry is played by a dude called James Deen. He does not look like Jerry Seinfeld. Elaine is played by Kristina Rose, who does not look like Elaine Bennet. There's nothing wrong with either of them, so to speak. It's not porn from the 90's where you have an ugly dude like Ron Jeremy fucking some young girl. She isn't bad looking, but she isn't stunning either. I'd hate to think they got the parts for their acting ability because they just don't look the people they are playing.

One more thing before I skip the porn part entirely, since it's quite frankly boring and I'm not spending 2 and a half fucking hours watching people fuck. They first kiss on the Three Minutes Seventeen Seconds mark. The fade to black after the cumshot happens at the Twenty Eight Minutes Eighteen Seconds mark. That's a Twenty Five Minute fucking scene, which is nearly one fifth of the movie gone already.

MORE SLAP BASS FUCK YES and we have George and Jerry in the apartment. George is watching porn, as he is known to do, and who pops in but KRAMER! They even have the little audience cheer for him as he slides into the room that I always hated because the dude was racist. He's got a lot of porn videos in his hand, and then he drops them onto Jerry's floor. OH THAT KRAMER!

I may as well mention George looks more like Newman than anyone else, and still looks awful. Kramer has the hair and the clothes but not the face and, more importantly, the mannerisms. Kramer was the fucking king at his little nervous hand twitches or the perfect facial expressions in response to stuff. This Kramer is some dude saying wacky shit and thinking it's a wrap. Also, George is now known as Gorge (seriously) and is played by a dude named Steve Pomerants. Kramer is Crammer (hurr) and is played by Eric John

Kramer says the porn isn't good enough for him, George tells him to make porn with the porn nazi, which is course is a great idea for Kramer

Kramer: How hard can it be? You just need cameras, fluffers, a bed...
Jerry: Logic, reasoning, the ability to communicate a rational thought

During the entire show, Kramer would come up with a stupid idea and Jerry would shut him down, not unlike what I transcribed there. However, in the show Jerry would always put something into his delivery, whether it be straight deadpan or the high pitched "THIS IS STUPID YOU ARE STUPID" voice which was always great. The guy who plays Jerry in the movie knocks that line out as if he's reading it for the first time. Go ahead, read his line out loud. Congrats, you put more effort into it than this guy's monotone delivery of a line that is the most accurate writing the movie has so far.

Kramer leaves so Jerry and George start talking about Jerry's new girlfriend. I didn't pick up her name because fuck paying attention, but George refers to her as "The orgasm girl" You see, she has orgasms easily. WHO WANTS TO GUESS WHERE THIS JOKE IS HEADING!? This is actually pretty accurate writing, aside from the smut which is kind of needless. Just because it's a porn movie doesn't mean it has to be about sex all the time guys. Jeez!

Now, Jerry picking tiny faults in his girlfriends and discussing them with George is about as close to Seinfeld canon as you could get. His high standards and general pickiness about everything is a mainstay, and George's jealousy to this is as well. "You get the squirter, moaner, squirter, moaner! What do I get!? A fiancee!"

George: I bet you twenty dollars the Pope gets more pussy than me!
Jerry: The old Pope or the new Pope? Because the new one is a real German player. With a cool hat!

Just when I was congratulating this on it's accurate writing. Please note I'm not typing down all of the bad "jokes" in here, so I skipped the one about George's Mother finding his fleshlight despite the fact he's engaged and, if we are going to Seinfeld canon, would be living with his fiancee at the time. Anyways, the power went out and his mother went for a flashlight and ended up with George's fleshlight. Oh the humanity!

Jerry's girlfriend comes in, and her name is Regina but he pronounces it like Vagina which is just fucking stupid. She then has an orgasm while talking to George, except she stops when George responds. She then leaves. I'll actually talk about her some more when her sex scene happens, since she is the first of two legit good looking women in the movie.

MORE BASS LINE SHIT YES and we're back at the porn store. The porn nazi is fighting with his assistant, who storms off after he says "NO PORN FOR YOU!" to her and then fires her. If you think it's funny now just wait, it gets funnier the more times he says it! Elaine tries to buy some more porn, porn nazi recognises her, she lies about it and he says his catchphrase again. His assistant then catches her attention and brings her into the side room of the store somehow, since it's right next to the porn nazi and there is no way she could walk in there without him seeing her.

His assistant asks Elaine if she wants to get back at the porn nazi, her response is "Yes! It's like he's untouchable. You know, like that movie. About Al Capone" His assistant says she can give Elaine his distributor number and then they have sex. Cool. Porn nazi's assistant is played by London Keys, an asian and so the internet says I'm meant to find her extremely attractive. Yellow fever y'all! Again skipping the sex because it's boring, but first kiss is at Thirty Two Minutes Twelve Seconds and the scene ends at Fourty Nine Minutes Fourty Seven Seconds. You start to realise now the movie is so long because the sex scenes are just needlessly long.

SLAP DAT BASS and Kramer is at a picnic site for some reason. The camera zooms out and he's actually on a porn set! Oh that Kramer! Two women are on a picnic table kissing and he does a double take. One of them I recognise as Sasha Grey, due to her being in the fucking awful Season 7 of Entourage. The other girl is Sadie West, I think. The two women have sex for a bit then the cameraman tells Kramer to get in there. He protests saying he's not the actor but does it anyways after looking straight into the camera and giving the worst "Giddyup!" I've ever heard. I have no idea how long the scene goes on for, and fuck trying to find out either, I'm sick of this shit.

MORE SLAP BASS I'M REALLY ENJOYING THE SLAP BASS HERE and we're back in Jerry's apartment. Kramer has a bed in the middle of it when Jerry walks in. You can pretty much come up with what happens next. Jerry is shocked and angry, Kramer ignores him. George walks out in a robe which causes Jerry to leave. George's fiancee Suzanne walks out in lingerie, who has this unfortunate condition of looking young in a close up but really old from a distance. I wonder if that is contagious? Kramer calls in a dude called Buck, George gets upset that this Buck character is going to fuck his fiancee. This next conversation is word for fucking word

Suzanne: Come on Gorge
Gorge: Fine, but Gorge isn't happy! *Gorge leaves* SERENITY NOW!

The scene goes on for about 19 minutes, and it would be really difficult to find it a turn on since the dude has bigger tits than the woman

I GET MORE SLAP BASS and cut back to Jerry's apartment with the bed gone and everything back in place. Jerry and Regina are on the couch watching TV. She has an orgasm while watching the news and this is the straw which breaks the camel's back for Jerry. Jerry starts listing the names of everywhere she has an orgasm while she walks off, with the last one he shouts being "Ground Zero". It's not very funny. Newman then comes in, who is called Noman for whatever reason and he looks like a fucking goon, he takes the tape Kramer filmed and then leaves. Fucking pointless.

Next scene is Newman and Regina at the porn nazi's store for some unexplainable reason. His assistant who he literally fired earlier on is still there too. I don't think the movie understands what continuity is. Newman still has Kramer's porn on him for some reason, and when the porn nazi asks what it is he drops it and runs away. Regina and the porn nazi then have sex. Regina is played by Ashlynn Brooke who, to be fair, is a stone cold hottie. This scene lasts about 20 minutes and, aside from an attractive woman getting fucked by a person everyone calls a nazi, it's pretty boring.

SLAP BASS and we're back at the porn store. Jerry and Kramer are standing in line when Kramer notices his porn movie being played on the TV. Newman and Regina walk out of the back room with the porn nazi. Kramer tells him he was meant to give the video to George and not sell it to the porn nazi. Newman and Regina leave, George and Suzanne walks in. they get upset about the porn movie being played and they argue except the editing makes it look really bad. The porn nazi then kicks them all out. Elaine decides she is in this movie again and saunters up to the counter. She starts naming off the movies his distributor gave him. He asks her what she wants, she replies that he's through. Just like in he episode with the soup nazi! Except in the episode Elaine ends up with all his recipies and puts it out there for anyone to make. In the movie she names names some porn titles. The end!

I'm serious, the movie cuts away to Jerry back on stage for his stand up routine to end things. First line is "What's the deal with fake boobs!?" and I'm so fucking glad this movie is over now. He keeps talking about fake tits and ends with "WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT!?" Then this girl named Sandra appears from nowhere, says "Are you talking about these?" while taking her coat off and the last 20 minutes is these two having sex on stage. Sandra is Cassandra Calogera if you remotely give a shit.

Now the only thing we need to know is who wrote this monstrosity. Wait a minute! Noooooooooooooooooo how could you!? No wonder he was kicked off the show when they went to college, the prick!