Hey, at least it's nearly over now!
It starts with Ricci, Vicky, Gary and Charlotte coming home, Newcastle. Ricci and Vicky find James in their room "Dunno why, he has a bit of a banker going on" Gary muses "Then again, it was Holly" Ricci then says that he banged Vicki. Everyone else says stuff that is far stupider. "It's what couples do" is Vicki's reaction, even though he isn't her boyfriend, some other dude is. "Vicki went on Ricci's sticky!" Charlotte exclaims. "I'd rather shit on my hands and clap then watch them two bang" Rebecca says, starting this episode strongly for a change
After spending the past few episodes doing his best to avoid her, Sophie keeps trying to call her boyfriend. He's been ignoring her calls for days now. I'm sorry, but this is kinda funny. She finally gets through, and he agrees to come to Newcastle on the third time of asking. What a hero. That night, Vicki says she has to go see Dan. Charlotte starts screaming "God!" and Sophie ust mutters "For fucks sake!" Hey, at least everyone else is as fed up with this shit as I am
So Vicki goes to a bar, and her boyfriend doesn't turn up. He has no idea she's cheating, he just completely no shows. She goes home and cries about it, despite this being EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS. Sophie is getting ready to meet her boyfriend and FUCK WHAT IS GOING ON GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU TWO.
Sophie's boyfriend turns up, topless. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's a Lodnon thing? "If my boyfriend walked into my house like that I'd think 'You twat'" says Rebecca. Why did she have to wait until episode fucking 5 to be cool? "It just seems fucking stupid" Jay rightfully points out. "What the fuck are you doing, mate?" James asks rhetorically. "He may look good and put a bit of spray tan on but this is never acceptable. Wanker" Vicki says. They all have a point, really
Everyone goes out, except Vicki and Ricci. Vicki because she's feeling bad about being stood up by her boyfriend, Ricci because "Why would I want to go out pulling birds when I have the best looking girl in Newcastle with me right here?" Sophie's boyfriend spends the night with the lads, which Sophie isn't too thrilled about. They argue, she starts crying. Charlotte also throws a tantrum because Gary, get this, is hitting on women! HE NEVER DOES THAT! She also admits she has feelings for him. Well, we knew that since season 1 but at least she's admitting them now
Gary comes in and says that he's going to just blank her from now on because he's just sick of this happening again and again. Sophie's boyfriend gets into the hot tub and just complains about Sophie. She then walks right past him and into the fuck hut to sleep. Next morning, it's Vicki's birthday! Ricci gets her a giant teddy bear "A bit sweet, but I'm not five" comments Vicki. The guys go to the gym and slag off Sophie's boyfriend for being a twat. Not the gym in the house though, they go to a real gym. WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT GYM!?
Vicki's family turns up at the house with loads of presents, which I should have taken a picture of but I didn't. "I spent a wedge on Vicki for her birthday, but if you want that gash you got to spend the cash" says Ricci. A giant teddy bear and a little cake costs a lot of money? I suppose it is a reccession. Back at the house, Vicki gets a huge amount of flowers. Like, an assload of flowers. Alright Ricci, you win this round
Their boss calls and gets Ricci Charlotte Holly and Gary to hand out flyers. Charlotte decides she wants to be homeless instead. Ricci is then cooking a meal for Vicki, which nobody seems to be too thrilled with. "What the fuck is he playing at?" asks James and Charlotte says "He may as well have a vagina". Geordie Shore - reinforcing gender roles since fucking forever
"Ricci's put a lot of effort into my birthday, and I really appreciate it" says Vicky "But that doesn't mean he's getting a bang" Yes, the two of them go to the fuck hut to not have sex. Ricci thinks he's entitled to it after all the work he put in, she isn't giving it up. Honestly, Vicky should be praised for this - sex isn't something you give out as a reward for good behaviour
Sophie gets his boyfriend back up again "I'm not doing this on the phone, I have to do it to his face" says Sophie. Jesus lady, you make him sit on a fucking train for 3 hours just to get dumped by you and then spend another 3 hours back to London? That's fucking cold. She gets home and feeling down, so everyone throws her a house party. When everyone is getting ready Vicky's birthday presents from her boyfriend turn up. A day late. She starts crying, but opens them up. They are a pair of shoes and matching bag. "If you're getting that then why the fuck are you with Ricci, who gives flowers and a shit teddy?" asks Sophie. I don't think you can really give out relationship advice here
Ricci comes in and starts sulking, which is a great way to start a house party. Their boss shows up, with two half naked people. Yes, it's what the guys had to do in season 1 where they catered to parties. Except one of them is a woman, and the woman is the "worldy" that James has been banging lately. How? Charlotte starts hitting on one of Ricci's friends, which Gary is happy with "If she bangs it, it'll be the first step towards us being friends again" Vicky and Ricci and talking, except he's still sulking like a child. They argue, but then they get drunk. He asks her out, she says yes. Awww, a happy ending
Charlotte kisses Ricci's friend and is very happy about it...I think? "I feel like Geprge Bush! What's the girl version of George Bush?....Margaret Thatcher!" she exclaims. I honestly have no fucking clue what the fuck she is on about, although that's par for the course at this point. James gets the girl back to his room again, although Ricci keeps walking in on them every few minutes, because he's a twat. Everyone then starts slagging him off because he's been a twat to everyone all night
Gary then throws a bottle of water off Ricci's face because he's sick of him. Or maybe Ricci throws it off Gary's face. The camera is too far away to really tell, but they do start fighting. The episode then ends. Next week is the last one! I may even be bothered to take screenshots!
Friday 2 March 2012
Thursday 1 March 2012
David Rathband was a coward and you are an idiot for disagreeing
I know when I do posts that aren't about Geordie fucking Shore it's usually because of Tony fucking Parsons. The self described journalist/writer is a bastion of everything that is wrong with Western society, never mind the UK. He's a faux intellect, he believes himself to be middle class even though it doesn't actually exist and everything he spews out of his mouth is a horrid combination of melodrama and sensationalism
This morning, PC David Rathband hung himself. A few years ago he was shot and blinded by the infamous literal baby faced lunatic, Raoul Moat. Afterwards, Rathband declared Raoul Moat to be a coward for taking his own life instead of giving himself up. He also said, in several interviews and in his own book, that he wasn't going to let the ghost of Raoul Moat hang over his life. He was going to live his ife to the fullest, because he was lucky to be alive. He was going to show Raoul Moat that he can take his eyesight, but he could not take his life away
It didn't work out so well for him
This is where Tony Parsons comes into it. He made this tweet and a lot of people believe him to be right. That David Rathband, hours after his suicide was announced to the media, didn't actually kill himself. He was murdered by Raoul Moat way back when
Why? Well, David Rathband was a hero. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time but he came back from it. He fought with everything he had, and went on to live his life. That is what a hero does. Heroes do not kill themselves. You can't even call it re-writing history, since usually some time has to pass before it can be called history. His body was found around 8 hours ago at the time of writing and people are retro-actively saying he didn't kill himself
It's this sense of delusion which gave birth to the notion of him being a hero on the first place. Let's be honest here, heroes do not exist outside of children's books and other fantastical stories. The word gets bandied about so much nowadays, and for what? Our media loves nothing more than to build people up just to knock them down - the hero worship just makes their fall all the more sweet
When David Rathband allegedly beat his wife and was arrested for it, it was reported but nobody came out against him. Nobody attacked him like other famous beaters of women, like Chris Brown or Charlie Sheen. Nobody questioned the anger he obviously had inside of him for losing his sight when Moat shot him. It was brought up and almost as quickly swept under the rug
Was Rathband getting shot sad? Yes, definitely. Nobody deserved to go through that. Nobody deserves to be targeted simply because of who they are, in this case a police officer. Was he a hero for it? No. Was he an inspiration? Apparently not, unless you want to inspire your kids to kill themselves if it is getting too tough for them
Tony Parsons and everyone like him don't see that. The truth is right in front of their eyes, and they chose to ignore it. They chose to paint a picture of him, a tragic hero, one who didn't kill himself but was already dead. Why ruin an inspirational story when it doesn't end the way you want it to? Just change the ending entirely in front of everyone's eyes!
Raoul Moat killed himself because that was his only way out. He had been on the run for days and there was a manhunt for him. He ended up surrounded by police and eventually he shot himself. He had managed to kill one person and shoot two others, and he wasn't going to be punished for it. If he gave himself up then he'd be in jail for the rest of his life. If he died there and then, he'd be renowned, a part of British history
David Rathband killed himself because he couldn't carry on. He was blind, but thousands of blind people manage to carry on. He had huge public support behind him - even if he was blind he was could have done anything he wanted. Without wanting to sound insensitive, he was essentially bulletproof - he managed to get through allegations of assaulting your wife without so much as a hint of public outcry
In my opinion, Rathband is not a hero, and if anything, is even more of a coward than Raoul Moat. Raoul Moat had a life of imprisonment when he killed himself. David Rathband had far more going for him. He could have done pretty much anything and the entire country would be in force behind him. His life would be difficult, but him continuing on would just be even more inspiring
That's why Tony Parsons claims Moat killed him. It doesn't ruin the story. It keeps David Rathband as a brave person. He didn't kill himself. How could he? How could a person as brave and inspiring as David Rathband kill himself? No, he was murdered after his murderer had been dead for nearly two years. The idea of David Rathband is more important than David Rathband as a person, so when the person lets them down then they can just change the idea
Maybe the media played a part in it. All the pressure they put on him to be better. Brave. Inspirational. Heroic. Maybe he wasn't any of those things at all - maybe he was just a police officer who lost his eyesight in a horrific event that suddenly attained the media spotlight and, try as he might, he wilted under it. Maybe he was deeply unhappy with the cards he had been dealt, and was torn between what he wanted to do and what he was perceived to be, how he should act. Maybe the media shouldn't be the ones to take such a high and mighty stance over this because of that
I don't know. In all honesty, it doesn't even matter now. The story is over. With Rathband dead, Raoul Moat will get his one last push in the newspapers and then that will be it, aside from the anniversaries. I've made my thoughts on this re-writing of events clear, in many words. David Rathband couldn't keep living his life so he killed himself. This does not make him a hero, this makes him a coward. No amount of metaphors will change that
This morning, PC David Rathband hung himself. A few years ago he was shot and blinded by the infamous literal baby faced lunatic, Raoul Moat. Afterwards, Rathband declared Raoul Moat to be a coward for taking his own life instead of giving himself up. He also said, in several interviews and in his own book, that he wasn't going to let the ghost of Raoul Moat hang over his life. He was going to live his ife to the fullest, because he was lucky to be alive. He was going to show Raoul Moat that he can take his eyesight, but he could not take his life away
It didn't work out so well for him
This is where Tony Parsons comes into it. He made this tweet and a lot of people believe him to be right. That David Rathband, hours after his suicide was announced to the media, didn't actually kill himself. He was murdered by Raoul Moat way back when
Why? Well, David Rathband was a hero. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time but he came back from it. He fought with everything he had, and went on to live his life. That is what a hero does. Heroes do not kill themselves. You can't even call it re-writing history, since usually some time has to pass before it can be called history. His body was found around 8 hours ago at the time of writing and people are retro-actively saying he didn't kill himself
It's this sense of delusion which gave birth to the notion of him being a hero on the first place. Let's be honest here, heroes do not exist outside of children's books and other fantastical stories. The word gets bandied about so much nowadays, and for what? Our media loves nothing more than to build people up just to knock them down - the hero worship just makes their fall all the more sweet
When David Rathband allegedly beat his wife and was arrested for it, it was reported but nobody came out against him. Nobody attacked him like other famous beaters of women, like Chris Brown or Charlie Sheen. Nobody questioned the anger he obviously had inside of him for losing his sight when Moat shot him. It was brought up and almost as quickly swept under the rug
Was Rathband getting shot sad? Yes, definitely. Nobody deserved to go through that. Nobody deserves to be targeted simply because of who they are, in this case a police officer. Was he a hero for it? No. Was he an inspiration? Apparently not, unless you want to inspire your kids to kill themselves if it is getting too tough for them
Tony Parsons and everyone like him don't see that. The truth is right in front of their eyes, and they chose to ignore it. They chose to paint a picture of him, a tragic hero, one who didn't kill himself but was already dead. Why ruin an inspirational story when it doesn't end the way you want it to? Just change the ending entirely in front of everyone's eyes!
Raoul Moat killed himself because that was his only way out. He had been on the run for days and there was a manhunt for him. He ended up surrounded by police and eventually he shot himself. He had managed to kill one person and shoot two others, and he wasn't going to be punished for it. If he gave himself up then he'd be in jail for the rest of his life. If he died there and then, he'd be renowned, a part of British history
David Rathband killed himself because he couldn't carry on. He was blind, but thousands of blind people manage to carry on. He had huge public support behind him - even if he was blind he was could have done anything he wanted. Without wanting to sound insensitive, he was essentially bulletproof - he managed to get through allegations of assaulting your wife without so much as a hint of public outcry
In my opinion, Rathband is not a hero, and if anything, is even more of a coward than Raoul Moat. Raoul Moat had a life of imprisonment when he killed himself. David Rathband had far more going for him. He could have done pretty much anything and the entire country would be in force behind him. His life would be difficult, but him continuing on would just be even more inspiring
That's why Tony Parsons claims Moat killed him. It doesn't ruin the story. It keeps David Rathband as a brave person. He didn't kill himself. How could he? How could a person as brave and inspiring as David Rathband kill himself? No, he was murdered after his murderer had been dead for nearly two years. The idea of David Rathband is more important than David Rathband as a person, so when the person lets them down then they can just change the idea
Maybe the media played a part in it. All the pressure they put on him to be better. Brave. Inspirational. Heroic. Maybe he wasn't any of those things at all - maybe he was just a police officer who lost his eyesight in a horrific event that suddenly attained the media spotlight and, try as he might, he wilted under it. Maybe he was deeply unhappy with the cards he had been dealt, and was torn between what he wanted to do and what he was perceived to be, how he should act. Maybe the media shouldn't be the ones to take such a high and mighty stance over this because of that
I don't know. In all honesty, it doesn't even matter now. The story is over. With Rathband dead, Raoul Moat will get his one last push in the newspapers and then that will be it, aside from the anniversaries. I've made my thoughts on this re-writing of events clear, in many words. David Rathband couldn't keep living his life so he killed himself. This does not make him a hero, this makes him a coward. No amount of metaphors will change that
Friday 24 February 2012
Geordie Shore Season 2 Episode 4 - Feminist Chat!
We start with Holly and James in the gym. Why does the Geordie Shore house have a gym? Why has it never been mentioned before? Why has nobody ever been in there until now? None of these questions are answered. "Holly's fanny is fluttering at the guns" says James "Too bad these guns are for Worldie's only" If I had guns I would shoot everyone on this show and then myself
Sophie and Gary talk about Charlotte. Apparently he slept in her bed last night? Weird. "I miss her, but only because I haven't banged anyone in a while" Gary says, still a real classy dude. He then goes to Charlotte's house to bring her back. She's doing the ironing, in a rare case of continuity. Clever! Gary says everyone misses her, she goes to pack her stuff to come back. Gary gets a dressing down from her mother (because it worked so well last time) and they drive back to the house
Ricci Sophie and James get called out to spray tan, and one of the women there is the one James fucked last time. What a coincedence! "Isn't that the girl that stopped James from being gay?" Sophie asks. Oh sweetheart, she didn't stop that. They go out and talk for a bit where James says he wouldn't bang her and then never see her again, despite the fact that was the whole idea
Charlotte returns and everyone is happy. Even though Gary left to get Charlotte before the others went to work, the people from work get back before Charlotte does. They really could have edited this better. Everyone stays in that night, and Gary and Charlotte end up in bed. Just to talk this time! Gary actually asks her out and she is wary. "He's a little too boring for my wild and crazy self" She's been back 10 minutes and I'm already sick of her "So I've decided to go to the fuck hut and jump on Gary's cock" THAT WAS WHY YOU LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FUCKING IDIOT AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH
Then everyone goes out. I'm not sure if a day goes by since the last scene or if they all stay in and then decide to go out. Again, really poorly edited. The girl James fucked and spray tanned is also in the club when they get there in a series of wild coincedences I can barely wrap my mind around. Holly isn't best pleased so I hope the coincedences continue. Gary is talking to a girl and Charlotte decides two can play at that game. Sadly for her, the guy she goes to is interested in Holly. Sadly for him as well I guess
They get back to the house and Gary isn't happy. "I want to get with Charlotte away from everyone else. Holly has a lad back for the first time in forever, and James has brought that girl back again. So why the fuck are Vicki and Ricci in the fuck hut? That's just selfish!" Yes, after what happened last time, absolutely nothing has changed with them! It's fucking compelling television, let me tell you. Charlotte and Gary go to the shower to fuck, while James takes his girl to his room
The problem is James shares a room with Holly, who also brought someone back. James is in the middle of banging when Holly and her guy walks in. They start fucking too, and Holly makes these really fake orgasm noises which makes James start laughing when he's fucking the girl he's with. It's fucking surreal. I don't want to watch this anymore
Vicky calls her boyfriend and arranges to meet him later so she can tell him she likes Ricci. Sophie then gives an extended metaphor about it being a triangle that goes on for like a minute and fuck off lady. Why does everyone in the Geordie Shore house love extneded metaphors and why are they so fucking shit at them? Sophie calls her boyfriend at 5, and he says he's on the train but he won't get into Newcastle until 10. Where the fuck is he!? It takes 3 hours to get from Newcastle to London on the train. I know since I've done it a load of times. Why the fuck does he have to take a long train ride anyways? Are they having a long distance relationship? Why is nothing ever explained!?
Sophie gets another call later and her boyfriend says he missed the train. She actually does call him out on this since he fucking clearly said he was on the train. Apparently he meant to say he was on the tube, but now he's missed his train. So he's in London after all. It is a long distance relationship. Couldn't this be mentioned a lot fucking earlier!? "What is so wrong with me that he doesn't want to see me!?" she asks. There's not enough time in the world
Holly Rebecca and Charlotte have a conversation about gender equality which I can't even begin to describe. It pretty much justifies sticking through all of Geordie Shore just to reach this point though. At the end they start their own feminist group called FAST - Females Are Strong, True. Nothing in that last sentence was a lie. "I should be a feminist" Charlotte says. "Don't you have to be a lesbian to be one of them?" Holly replies. This is it. This is the exact moment Geordie Shore jumped the shark. They cannot top this moment
"I hope he sees this from my point of view and see how hard it has been for me" Vicky says before she meets her boyfriend to tell him it's over because she wants to get with some other guy she's been sleeping with for weeks now. I somehow doubt he will. "I'm dying inside right now" he says when she explains it all. If he really wants to experience that he should watch this show. If you guessed that nothing really changes then guess what!
Everyone else goes out, and Jay's ex turns up in another bizarre coincedence. Rebecca, who previously told Jay she likes him but not enough to have sex with him, is furious. "She probably thinks she's dead clever. She's not" Rebecca says. Everyone is dead clever when compared to you. "James probably thiks he's safe, but he's not. I'm like The Predator, I always get what I want" Holly says, clearly having never seen any of the Predator movies "I can climb over any barrier to get to James, the only thing stopping me is him being sober" she continues. You're a fucking idiot
Vicki gets back home and tells Ricci that she stayed with her boyfriend. She then goes to the fuck hut with him. Why does this show have to be so hypocritical and contradictory? When she doesn't have sex with him he storms off though, so hopefully this boring story can finally stop. Holly gets into bed with James, and they fuck. Halfway through he stops, realises what he's done and leaves. Jay Gary and Rebecca then laugh at him
The next day Jay takes Rebecca to the beach to try and sort themselves out. If you think nothing gets agreed upon then you're absolutely fucking right. It's Ricci's mother's birthday, so he takes Vicky Gary and Charlotte to her party. It's only when they get there that Gary realises that Vicky and Ricci will probably fuck tonight and it's going to be really awkward in the morning. He's proved wrong, because Vicky and Ricci are all over each other when they are eating and it gets really awkward before the sex
Back at the house, James and Rebecca swap rooms because he doesn't trust Holly. Backat Ricci's, Gary and Charlotte go to bed and Charlotte farts and apparently it stinks and she finds it so funny she pisses herself in bed. Gary starts freaking out, not only because she is a fucking psycho but because Ricci's grandmother sleeps in this bed normally. Charlotte finds this so funny she pisses herself some more. Pissssssssssssss
In the other room Ricci and Vicky have sex. The show then ends. I wish my life would too
Sophie and Gary talk about Charlotte. Apparently he slept in her bed last night? Weird. "I miss her, but only because I haven't banged anyone in a while" Gary says, still a real classy dude. He then goes to Charlotte's house to bring her back. She's doing the ironing, in a rare case of continuity. Clever! Gary says everyone misses her, she goes to pack her stuff to come back. Gary gets a dressing down from her mother (because it worked so well last time) and they drive back to the house
Ricci Sophie and James get called out to spray tan, and one of the women there is the one James fucked last time. What a coincedence! "Isn't that the girl that stopped James from being gay?" Sophie asks. Oh sweetheart, she didn't stop that. They go out and talk for a bit where James says he wouldn't bang her and then never see her again, despite the fact that was the whole idea
Charlotte returns and everyone is happy. Even though Gary left to get Charlotte before the others went to work, the people from work get back before Charlotte does. They really could have edited this better. Everyone stays in that night, and Gary and Charlotte end up in bed. Just to talk this time! Gary actually asks her out and she is wary. "He's a little too boring for my wild and crazy self" She's been back 10 minutes and I'm already sick of her "So I've decided to go to the fuck hut and jump on Gary's cock" THAT WAS WHY YOU LEFT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FUCKING IDIOT AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH
Then everyone goes out. I'm not sure if a day goes by since the last scene or if they all stay in and then decide to go out. Again, really poorly edited. The girl James fucked and spray tanned is also in the club when they get there in a series of wild coincedences I can barely wrap my mind around. Holly isn't best pleased so I hope the coincedences continue. Gary is talking to a girl and Charlotte decides two can play at that game. Sadly for her, the guy she goes to is interested in Holly. Sadly for him as well I guess
They get back to the house and Gary isn't happy. "I want to get with Charlotte away from everyone else. Holly has a lad back for the first time in forever, and James has brought that girl back again. So why the fuck are Vicki and Ricci in the fuck hut? That's just selfish!" Yes, after what happened last time, absolutely nothing has changed with them! It's fucking compelling television, let me tell you. Charlotte and Gary go to the shower to fuck, while James takes his girl to his room
The problem is James shares a room with Holly, who also brought someone back. James is in the middle of banging when Holly and her guy walks in. They start fucking too, and Holly makes these really fake orgasm noises which makes James start laughing when he's fucking the girl he's with. It's fucking surreal. I don't want to watch this anymore
Vicky calls her boyfriend and arranges to meet him later so she can tell him she likes Ricci. Sophie then gives an extended metaphor about it being a triangle that goes on for like a minute and fuck off lady. Why does everyone in the Geordie Shore house love extneded metaphors and why are they so fucking shit at them? Sophie calls her boyfriend at 5, and he says he's on the train but he won't get into Newcastle until 10. Where the fuck is he!? It takes 3 hours to get from Newcastle to London on the train. I know since I've done it a load of times. Why the fuck does he have to take a long train ride anyways? Are they having a long distance relationship? Why is nothing ever explained!?
Sophie gets another call later and her boyfriend says he missed the train. She actually does call him out on this since he fucking clearly said he was on the train. Apparently he meant to say he was on the tube, but now he's missed his train. So he's in London after all. It is a long distance relationship. Couldn't this be mentioned a lot fucking earlier!? "What is so wrong with me that he doesn't want to see me!?" she asks. There's not enough time in the world
Holly Rebecca and Charlotte have a conversation about gender equality which I can't even begin to describe. It pretty much justifies sticking through all of Geordie Shore just to reach this point though. At the end they start their own feminist group called FAST - Females Are Strong, True. Nothing in that last sentence was a lie. "I should be a feminist" Charlotte says. "Don't you have to be a lesbian to be one of them?" Holly replies. This is it. This is the exact moment Geordie Shore jumped the shark. They cannot top this moment
"I hope he sees this from my point of view and see how hard it has been for me" Vicky says before she meets her boyfriend to tell him it's over because she wants to get with some other guy she's been sleeping with for weeks now. I somehow doubt he will. "I'm dying inside right now" he says when she explains it all. If he really wants to experience that he should watch this show. If you guessed that nothing really changes then guess what!
Everyone else goes out, and Jay's ex turns up in another bizarre coincedence. Rebecca, who previously told Jay she likes him but not enough to have sex with him, is furious. "She probably thinks she's dead clever. She's not" Rebecca says. Everyone is dead clever when compared to you. "James probably thiks he's safe, but he's not. I'm like The Predator, I always get what I want" Holly says, clearly having never seen any of the Predator movies "I can climb over any barrier to get to James, the only thing stopping me is him being sober" she continues. You're a fucking idiot
Vicki gets back home and tells Ricci that she stayed with her boyfriend. She then goes to the fuck hut with him. Why does this show have to be so hypocritical and contradictory? When she doesn't have sex with him he storms off though, so hopefully this boring story can finally stop. Holly gets into bed with James, and they fuck. Halfway through he stops, realises what he's done and leaves. Jay Gary and Rebecca then laugh at him
The next day Jay takes Rebecca to the beach to try and sort themselves out. If you think nothing gets agreed upon then you're absolutely fucking right. It's Ricci's mother's birthday, so he takes Vicky Gary and Charlotte to her party. It's only when they get there that Gary realises that Vicky and Ricci will probably fuck tonight and it's going to be really awkward in the morning. He's proved wrong, because Vicky and Ricci are all over each other when they are eating and it gets really awkward before the sex
Back at the house, James and Rebecca swap rooms because he doesn't trust Holly. Backat Ricci's, Gary and Charlotte go to bed and Charlotte farts and apparently it stinks and she finds it so funny she pisses herself in bed. Gary starts freaking out, not only because she is a fucking psycho but because Ricci's grandmother sleeps in this bed normally. Charlotte finds this so funny she pisses herself some more. Pissssssssssssss
In the other room Ricci and Vicky have sex. The show then ends. I wish my life would too
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Geordie Shore Season 2 Episode 3 - Cool Blog About Cool Show
I just want to point out the recap for this episode was mainly from the first episode. Way to say that nothing happened in the second episode, even though more happened in the last episode than most of season 1!
"Let's be honest, Gary is a fuck machine" says Sophie to start the episode and my brain groans in agony. Gary is getting the blame for this, but Jay actually apologises to him. "There's no point in friends falling out over a girl" Jay explains "It's like bros before hos" Urrrrrrgh
The two of them make up and Gary is happy that "We can argue one minute and the next we've already made up" I'm in two minds over this. On the one hand, it's actually pretty good that their friendship means so much to them. On the other, the first actually good cliffhanger the show has ever had is made redundant less than a minute into the next episode
Their boss comes in the next morning and tells Gary and James they are working at an 18th birthday party that night. Wait, if they are doing a mobile spray tan as a job this season then what kind of shitty 18th birthday party is that? Everyone else is working "The Party Limo" and once again Vicki is unhappy about the skimpy uniform "I don't want the limo to be swerving everywhere and my arse is flying around" she says "My arse is bad for business" It's a party limo not a fucking Bourne movie sweetheart
Later, Vicky and Ricci talk a walk on the Quayside to try and sort themselves out. You don't need me to tell you it drags out too long and nothing really gets done. "When I had her spooning me in bed then her boyfriend should just get a taxi" Ricci says, the classy gent that he is. That night Vicki calls her boyfriend to try and have a meal with him, but he's working. Oh no!
Everyone else is getting ready and James is feeling confidant "I have the power of the combover!" he says. Somewhere, Bobby Charlton is smiling and nodding. The party limo somehow becomes a bus which isn't great. As someone who has partied on every bus I've been on, it is kind of overrated. "I'm the hostess with the mostest" says Vicki, taking over Charlotte's role of annoying person who says stupid shit "I have the skills to make you ills" Your grasp of the english language is enough to make me ills
Gary and James hit the 18th birthday party and AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! The two of them come up with a plan, and Gary makes it his mission to get James laid tonight. Somehow everyone goes from their uniforms at work to their night clothes and they are all back together in a club somewhere. Huh?
Rebecca does something not totally self centered and gets one of her friends with James. She then comforts Holly who isn't too happy about it. "I'm doing her a favour" Rebecca says "When he starts banging, she'll be right in his firing line" If he was going through a massive dry streak and wasn't banging Holly, what chance does she have when he is getting it? There's a bit of trouble but things seem to be going well for him
When they all get back to the house, Gary tells Jay that James should get the fuck hut. Jay then takes Rebecca into the fuck hut before James and his girl make it back. James takes her upstairs, but Rebecca has no intention of having sex with Jay tonight. They go back to the house, Ricci calls her a slut which she obviously finds offensive. Jay then plays peacekepper by saying "I wish you were a slut!" She goes ballistic at this. Then Holly starts sulking because James is having sex with a woman who isn't Holly "I put it on a plate for him!" she says, while using props. We fucking get it!
Gary tries talking to Vicki and she is short with him, since she still blames him for Charlotte leaving. He replies that at least he and Charlotte were single, which stops the argument before it really starts. James is getting ready for the moment of truth, but then everything starts off downstairs which puts the girl off. First of all, Vicki asks Holly if she's wrong for the cheating thing, but then says "No, you're the wrong person for this talk" which sends Holly off. Vicki accuses Holly of being Gary's best friend because ??? while Gary just sits back and watches it all happen
Vicki, after having an argument about cheating, then gets back into bed with Ricci. He even admits he's not even trying anymore since she's making it that easy for him. The night ends with James fucking the woman, so at least someone has a happy ending
The next morning everyone has a little soundbite congratulating James for banging a worldie. Everyone even agrees that she was a worldie. Whenever Gary or Jay pull someone they go on about how she is a dirty looking mutt, but not this time. Everyone except Holly, that is, who looks like she's going to cry. Vicki then whines about feeling depressed because of the guilt. WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T CHEAT ON YOUR BOYFRIEND
Jay and Rebecca go out to spray tan people "I love spray tanning" says Jay "Especially if it's a bird in a bikini. You can't complain, can you?" I guess he can complain then. Rebecca says she's unsure if he wants to just have sex with Jay "I am one classy bird!" she exclaims, contrary to the evidence. Vicki and Holly go out to buy presents, since it's Sophie's birthday tomorrow, and they patch up the argument from last night. "Abstinance does not make the heart grow fonder, I don't know who came up with that" says Vicki. NOBODY DID YOU FUCKING IDIOT
Back at the house, the four guys are having a quiet drink celebrating James finally getting his bone on. Then this square jawed adonis walks into the house. He's Dan, Vicki's boyfriend! Of course, she's still out with Holly so it ends up like this with nobody saying anything
"I wonder what face Vicki will have when she finds out Dan is here" Rebecca ponders "One face or another, they're both fucking shit anyway" Vicki and Holly return and Jay tells them nothing is going on. Why!? Why, when he knows how awkward it is, would he not tell her that her boyfriend is here? "She's going to have a meltdown and I'm going to be in the front row watching" he explains. Nothing really happens though, she sees him and they hug. What was the fucking point then?
"I feel fine about it" says Ricci, despite the fact Vicki is all over her boyfriend "He's no competition, I'm not threatened by him at all" I don't think this is how it works. He follows this up by talking to him alone, telling him what a good girl Vicki has been and how he has nothing to worry about. Ricci, you sly boots! They all go out, and Ricci hovers around Vicki and Dan all night, then gets drunk and asks Vicki to choose between her boyfriend and him. "She's going to her boyfriend and kissing him, then going to Ricci and winking at him. Who does she think she is, me!?" Gary asks
Vicki then tells her boyfriend what she's done, but downplays it to just flirting with Ricci. Then she says she does it with everyone. He doesn't see this as a problem, since he knew what she was like. Back at the house - Vicki and her boyfriend go to bed, Ricci and Gary bring two girls back and also...uhhh....what? Gary is playing it cool with his girl and making progress, but Ricci is too forward and ruins it for them. Outside, a carton of milk falls of Becca's head and hits her in the face. Vicki bangs her boyfriend, then Ricci mopes outside
Next morning, Vicki's boyfriend leaves and nobody is happy because Vicki is straight up cheating. "You can't have your cake and eat it too" says Rebecca. For her birthday, Sophie gets hair extensions, her teeth whitened, her nails done and botox in her lips for her boyfriend coming tonight. She calls him to invite him up and his reaction is not what was expected. He's unhappy that she waited until the last possible minute to sort this out, which isn't totally uncalled for. He just goes about this in a such an aggressive way that she starts crying. Way to go, fuckhead
They all go out to cheer Sophie up, and James harrasses a drunk guy. Back at the house, Holly is drunk and calls herself a fat tellytubby. That isn't fair, since I'm sure there's a fetish for people who want to fuck tellytubbies. Vicki then gets into bed with Ricci, because why face your problems when you can just let them continue? Holly is still hassling everyone so James tells her if she falls asleep he'll shag her in the morning. She then falls asleep. Jesus Christ I hate this show
"Let's be honest, Gary is a fuck machine" says Sophie to start the episode and my brain groans in agony. Gary is getting the blame for this, but Jay actually apologises to him. "There's no point in friends falling out over a girl" Jay explains "It's like bros before hos" Urrrrrrgh
The two of them make up and Gary is happy that "We can argue one minute and the next we've already made up" I'm in two minds over this. On the one hand, it's actually pretty good that their friendship means so much to them. On the other, the first actually good cliffhanger the show has ever had is made redundant less than a minute into the next episode
Their boss comes in the next morning and tells Gary and James they are working at an 18th birthday party that night. Wait, if they are doing a mobile spray tan as a job this season then what kind of shitty 18th birthday party is that? Everyone else is working "The Party Limo" and once again Vicki is unhappy about the skimpy uniform "I don't want the limo to be swerving everywhere and my arse is flying around" she says "My arse is bad for business" It's a party limo not a fucking Bourne movie sweetheart
Later, Vicky and Ricci talk a walk on the Quayside to try and sort themselves out. You don't need me to tell you it drags out too long and nothing really gets done. "When I had her spooning me in bed then her boyfriend should just get a taxi" Ricci says, the classy gent that he is. That night Vicki calls her boyfriend to try and have a meal with him, but he's working. Oh no!
Everyone else is getting ready and James is feeling confidant "I have the power of the combover!" he says. Somewhere, Bobby Charlton is smiling and nodding. The party limo somehow becomes a bus which isn't great. As someone who has partied on every bus I've been on, it is kind of overrated. "I'm the hostess with the mostest" says Vicki, taking over Charlotte's role of annoying person who says stupid shit "I have the skills to make you ills" Your grasp of the english language is enough to make me ills
Gary and James hit the 18th birthday party and AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! The two of them come up with a plan, and Gary makes it his mission to get James laid tonight. Somehow everyone goes from their uniforms at work to their night clothes and they are all back together in a club somewhere. Huh?
Rebecca does something not totally self centered and gets one of her friends with James. She then comforts Holly who isn't too happy about it. "I'm doing her a favour" Rebecca says "When he starts banging, she'll be right in his firing line" If he was going through a massive dry streak and wasn't banging Holly, what chance does she have when he is getting it? There's a bit of trouble but things seem to be going well for him
When they all get back to the house, Gary tells Jay that James should get the fuck hut. Jay then takes Rebecca into the fuck hut before James and his girl make it back. James takes her upstairs, but Rebecca has no intention of having sex with Jay tonight. They go back to the house, Ricci calls her a slut which she obviously finds offensive. Jay then plays peacekepper by saying "I wish you were a slut!" She goes ballistic at this. Then Holly starts sulking because James is having sex with a woman who isn't Holly "I put it on a plate for him!" she says, while using props. We fucking get it!
Gary tries talking to Vicki and she is short with him, since she still blames him for Charlotte leaving. He replies that at least he and Charlotte were single, which stops the argument before it really starts. James is getting ready for the moment of truth, but then everything starts off downstairs which puts the girl off. First of all, Vicki asks Holly if she's wrong for the cheating thing, but then says "No, you're the wrong person for this talk" which sends Holly off. Vicki accuses Holly of being Gary's best friend because ??? while Gary just sits back and watches it all happen
Vicki, after having an argument about cheating, then gets back into bed with Ricci. He even admits he's not even trying anymore since she's making it that easy for him. The night ends with James fucking the woman, so at least someone has a happy ending
The next morning everyone has a little soundbite congratulating James for banging a worldie. Everyone even agrees that she was a worldie. Whenever Gary or Jay pull someone they go on about how she is a dirty looking mutt, but not this time. Everyone except Holly, that is, who looks like she's going to cry. Vicki then whines about feeling depressed because of the guilt. WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T CHEAT ON YOUR BOYFRIEND
Jay and Rebecca go out to spray tan people "I love spray tanning" says Jay "Especially if it's a bird in a bikini. You can't complain, can you?" I guess he can complain then. Rebecca says she's unsure if he wants to just have sex with Jay "I am one classy bird!" she exclaims, contrary to the evidence. Vicki and Holly go out to buy presents, since it's Sophie's birthday tomorrow, and they patch up the argument from last night. "Abstinance does not make the heart grow fonder, I don't know who came up with that" says Vicki. NOBODY DID YOU FUCKING IDIOT
Back at the house, the four guys are having a quiet drink celebrating James finally getting his bone on. Then this square jawed adonis walks into the house. He's Dan, Vicki's boyfriend! Of course, she's still out with Holly so it ends up like this with nobody saying anything
"I wonder what face Vicki will have when she finds out Dan is here" Rebecca ponders "One face or another, they're both fucking shit anyway" Vicki and Holly return and Jay tells them nothing is going on. Why!? Why, when he knows how awkward it is, would he not tell her that her boyfriend is here? "She's going to have a meltdown and I'm going to be in the front row watching" he explains. Nothing really happens though, she sees him and they hug. What was the fucking point then?
"I feel fine about it" says Ricci, despite the fact Vicki is all over her boyfriend "He's no competition, I'm not threatened by him at all" I don't think this is how it works. He follows this up by talking to him alone, telling him what a good girl Vicki has been and how he has nothing to worry about. Ricci, you sly boots! They all go out, and Ricci hovers around Vicki and Dan all night, then gets drunk and asks Vicki to choose between her boyfriend and him. "She's going to her boyfriend and kissing him, then going to Ricci and winking at him. Who does she think she is, me!?" Gary asks
Vicki then tells her boyfriend what she's done, but downplays it to just flirting with Ricci. Then she says she does it with everyone. He doesn't see this as a problem, since he knew what she was like. Back at the house - Vicki and her boyfriend go to bed, Ricci and Gary bring two girls back and also...uhhh....what? Gary is playing it cool with his girl and making progress, but Ricci is too forward and ruins it for them. Outside, a carton of milk falls of Becca's head and hits her in the face. Vicki bangs her boyfriend, then Ricci mopes outside
Next morning, Vicki's boyfriend leaves and nobody is happy because Vicki is straight up cheating. "You can't have your cake and eat it too" says Rebecca. For her birthday, Sophie gets hair extensions, her teeth whitened, her nails done and botox in her lips for her boyfriend coming tonight. She calls him to invite him up and his reaction is not what was expected. He's unhappy that she waited until the last possible minute to sort this out, which isn't totally uncalled for. He just goes about this in a such an aggressive way that she starts crying. Way to go, fuckhead
They all go out to cheer Sophie up, and James harrasses a drunk guy. Back at the house, Holly is drunk and calls herself a fat tellytubby. That isn't fair, since I'm sure there's a fetish for people who want to fuck tellytubbies. Vicki then gets into bed with Ricci, because why face your problems when you can just let them continue? Holly is still hassling everyone so James tells her if she falls asleep he'll shag her in the morning. She then falls asleep. Jesus Christ I hate this show
Friday 10 February 2012
Geordie Shore Season 2 Episode 2 - All Rebecca All The Time
A cool thing about this week's episode - borders! You can tell where the tops and the bottoms have been cut out a bit, so everything is narrower for some completely unknown reason. If it means I get to see less of this then that can only be a good thing
Also, the recap of last week's episode was a minute and a half. I watched that show, there wasn't even 30 seconds of interesting shit on it. This is fucking ridiculous
"The smile is back on my face! We're a family again! Forget the past!" Sophie says excitedly, because she is fucking stupid. Right on schedule, Vicky says Rebecca is a bellend and Rebecca says Vicky is a proper twat. They sound like a family, anyways. "It's kind of like the conflict between Barbie and Cindy" Charlotte says about the two of them. Out of all the references of women battling it out for supremacy, you choose Barbie and fucking Cindy. Fuck off Charlotte! "Malibu Mandy is saying to Barbie 'look, if we can talk this out why can't she get in the pink jeep and we can all go to the beach together?'" FUCK OFF CHARLOTTE
Their boss calls and Jay, Ricci, Rebecca and Charlotte have to go spray tan someone. Except it's not someone, it's a "Spray Tan Party". The fuck is a spray tan party, and why the fuck are they having it early in the morning? Charlotte is feeling down because of Gary and Rebecca looks like she just lost a fight against a bike and a kimono. Everyone else does the work and Charlotte gets drunk. Hey, it's a party!
Everyone goes out, and Ricci asks Jay if he has a problem with him hounding Vicky, and Jay says no. "I'm not worried about her boyfriend" Ricci explains "I just don't want any bad blood with Jay" Real fucking classy. Charlotte gets drunk, cockblocks Gary and then the girls take her home. "It's not Gary's fault all the time" Ricci says "I feel sorry for the girls who always have to take care of her"
Back home, Ricci starts pointing the finger at Charlotte for drinking too much and for being a mess, and Vicki argues with him. WELL THIS HASN'T FUCKING HAPPENED BEFORE! Somehow, he gets her in the fuck hut and everyone else back in the house don't know what the fuck. "She met him two days ago, what the fuck is she doing in there with him!?" Jay complains. It's cool when Gary fucks women he literally met that night in there, but when it's two people he knows suddenly they are moving too fast!?
Vicki ends up not wanting to fuck him, but she doesn't want him to leave either. He then walks out and she sighs. He's manipulating her and she's too dumb to notice. Charlotte wakes up and goes to bed with Gary. He literally says to her that they can't keep doing this, but she insists and so they fuck. Again. I WONDER HOW THIS WILL END!?
Next morning, everyone is hungover. "Charlotte slept with Gary last night. Let's give them a round of applause. NOT!" says Sophie, bringing the NOT! back from 2007. Charlotte tries blaming Gary for having sex last night when, for probably the first time, it's all on her. They then go to the beach, and the girls aren't happy that Rebecca is hanging with the boys. I may hate Rebecca too, but when she hangs out with the girls they tend to be horrible to her. Sophie proves this by calling her a slag for hanging with the boys
Rebecca and Gary are talking, Gary doesn't want to do anything since Jay has "banger's rights" but Jay says he doesn't mind. A love triangle between three of the worst people, why not! Charlotte then admits she's jealous after saying she doesn't care and zzzzzzzz. Back at the house, Vicky rings her boyfriend and humms and hahs her way through the conversation. The other girls make fun of James for not having sex with anyone yet, and mention "the gay rumours" Now, I've heard James is a massive closet case IRL so if he comes out of it during this season then...I don't know. I'd probably feel bad for making fun of him?
"I don't know...you want what you can't have and everyone loves a dickhead, and James is perfect for that" says Holly. Now, James goes on about wanting to bang a girl, but the only one who has shown any interest in him he shows disgust at. Not wanting to fuck Holly does not mean he's gay, but it does make him more of a relatable human being. I don't think this gay thing is going to go away, and it's going to be hilarious watching the other guy's complete over reaction to it
They all go out again. "I want to dance, flirt, get my goggles on" says Rebecca. I wish she'd put on a mask, or at least a gag. James' friend walks in and Holly gets with him really quickly. Sophie's friend turn up, and she ends up kissing him too. So both of the girls with boyfriends have kissed other guys now. Our survey says! Ricci and Vicky walk home together "There I was, getting a cuddle off him and eating a kebab. It doesn't sound romantic, but I had butterflies" says Vicky. Everyone is fucking classy
Holly went into the fuck hut with James' friend, but didn't have sex. "I have the no sex onsie on as proof!" she proclaims happily. THEN WHY GO INTO THE FUCK HUT YOU MORON? Sophie's dad turns up because ??? and someone points out that every time he turns up she is in bed with someone. It's worse this time since she's with her not boyfriend. To make things worse, Sophie's dad then goes into the fuck hut with Holly and the guy. Why? WHY!?
It ends up Holly didn't fuck James' friend because she wants to give the impression she doesn't fancy James so he then comes running to her. Since he's clearly gay, this is not going to work. Sophie's dad turns up because there's a party at his restaurant and he has no staff. HOW CAN YOU HAVE NO STAFF AT A RESTAURANT!? FUCK! Sophie agrees to take some people to help him out. "I am just like one of those dogs at the shelter" Rebecca says "When they find their owner and get all excited and humping their legs, thats how excited I am to go to the restaurant" It's a fucking italian restaurant, lady
Rebecca looks at someone and she is stupid and I hate her. Jay's ex then comes in and it gets a little awkward. Whoops, I said awkward when I meant to say staged. My bad! "She's nice, but not a patch on me!" Rebecca says. "Honestly, I think she's better looking than Rebecca" says Sophie. "She's fucking spoiling it with her tits! And her wine!" says Rebecca. If she really was better looking than her she wouldn't be getting so jealous. "I'm going to fuck her food up" she decides. Jay's ex wanted the chicken without the white wine sauce, so Rebecca tells them to cook it with the sauce. The situation is easily remedied because the food gets taken back and Rebecca gets blamed. Way to go you fucking troglodyte
Back at the house, the girls invite some other girls over so James can have a shot at fucking something. Gary then shows them the fuck hut and says "One of you will be here with me later" He's a huge fucking twat but at least he embraces it. Ricci gets drunk and Vicky finds him annoying. Then Gary tells everyone they are getting in he hot tub. "I want to go to anger management classes and share my angry stories with all the angry people there" Charlotte says. That's the entire point of anger management, you don't need to describe what they do there you fucking moron
One of the girls gets Gary to rub coconut oil onto her tits, and Charlotte finds out. Carlotte and Sophie then watch as one of the girls gives Gary a handjob in the hot tub. I bet they regret literally inviting them over now. If you're wondering no, nobody fucks James
The next morning, Charlotte packs her stuff and tells everyone she's leaving. At least there will be no more terrible extended metaphors with her gone. She has one last talk with Gary and then leaves. Everyone else is still asleep and she doesn't say a word to them. What a bitch. Gary wakes Sophie and tells her, and she's furious. Sophie then tells vicky and Holly, who start crying
Their boss then calls, and Sophie and Rebecca have to go out today. They both look forward to it, as they don't really know each other. They get their and it's two guys! "I'm really good at flirting" says Rebecca "I swish my hair around and push my boobs up. Everyone loves it!" She didn't love it when Jay's ex did that before. Self centered witch.
That night, nobody feels like going out without Charlotte so they all stay in. Holly makes fun of James because he is sun burnt "He may look like a tomato but he can have my fajita anyday" Fajita's are another food ruined by this show. Jay and Gary then sneak out to hit the town without telling the rest of them. Jay meets his ex again, Gary does what Gary does. Everyone else back at the house do what they do - get angry at themand call them worse than shit. "I'm a bit hurt Gary and Jay went out" James said, but he does follow it up with "without me" so don't feel too good about it
Vicky talks to Ricci about their situation, but as per usual for Vicky, she doesn't really come to a conclusion so things can drag on some more. Rebecca is unhappy that Jay isn't back yet and she keeps calling him "Jason" Fuck off lady. Jay comes back with his ex, Gary comes back with nobody for a change. People are shocked, but I'm not sure which part of that they are shocked at. Jay retreats to the fuck hut with his ex
Rebecca, in a fit of jealousy or some stupid shit, decides Gary is fair game. Jay is back in the house again for some unknown reason, and he claims it isn't. Despite saying before he doesn't mind if Gary takes a swing at her, now he isn't happy. Despite already having a girl in the fuck hut. Urgh, this is fucking DUMB. Gary even says repeatedly to him that he wouldn't do anything with her, and has said all along that it's Jay's right of refusal first
The two of them fight, and Rebecca plays innocent. "I'm not food, you don't fight over me" she says "But then I caused this. I don't understand how it came to this" She is terrible at playing innocent. I fucking hate her so much
Also, the recap of last week's episode was a minute and a half. I watched that show, there wasn't even 30 seconds of interesting shit on it. This is fucking ridiculous
"The smile is back on my face! We're a family again! Forget the past!" Sophie says excitedly, because she is fucking stupid. Right on schedule, Vicky says Rebecca is a bellend and Rebecca says Vicky is a proper twat. They sound like a family, anyways. "It's kind of like the conflict between Barbie and Cindy" Charlotte says about the two of them. Out of all the references of women battling it out for supremacy, you choose Barbie and fucking Cindy. Fuck off Charlotte! "Malibu Mandy is saying to Barbie 'look, if we can talk this out why can't she get in the pink jeep and we can all go to the beach together?'" FUCK OFF CHARLOTTE
Their boss calls and Jay, Ricci, Rebecca and Charlotte have to go spray tan someone. Except it's not someone, it's a "Spray Tan Party". The fuck is a spray tan party, and why the fuck are they having it early in the morning? Charlotte is feeling down because of Gary and Rebecca looks like she just lost a fight against a bike and a kimono. Everyone else does the work and Charlotte gets drunk. Hey, it's a party!
Everyone goes out, and Ricci asks Jay if he has a problem with him hounding Vicky, and Jay says no. "I'm not worried about her boyfriend" Ricci explains "I just don't want any bad blood with Jay" Real fucking classy. Charlotte gets drunk, cockblocks Gary and then the girls take her home. "It's not Gary's fault all the time" Ricci says "I feel sorry for the girls who always have to take care of her"
Back home, Ricci starts pointing the finger at Charlotte for drinking too much and for being a mess, and Vicki argues with him. WELL THIS HASN'T FUCKING HAPPENED BEFORE! Somehow, he gets her in the fuck hut and everyone else back in the house don't know what the fuck. "She met him two days ago, what the fuck is she doing in there with him!?" Jay complains. It's cool when Gary fucks women he literally met that night in there, but when it's two people he knows suddenly they are moving too fast!?
Vicki ends up not wanting to fuck him, but she doesn't want him to leave either. He then walks out and she sighs. He's manipulating her and she's too dumb to notice. Charlotte wakes up and goes to bed with Gary. He literally says to her that they can't keep doing this, but she insists and so they fuck. Again. I WONDER HOW THIS WILL END!?
Next morning, everyone is hungover. "Charlotte slept with Gary last night. Let's give them a round of applause. NOT!" says Sophie, bringing the NOT! back from 2007. Charlotte tries blaming Gary for having sex last night when, for probably the first time, it's all on her. They then go to the beach, and the girls aren't happy that Rebecca is hanging with the boys. I may hate Rebecca too, but when she hangs out with the girls they tend to be horrible to her. Sophie proves this by calling her a slag for hanging with the boys
Rebecca and Gary are talking, Gary doesn't want to do anything since Jay has "banger's rights" but Jay says he doesn't mind. A love triangle between three of the worst people, why not! Charlotte then admits she's jealous after saying she doesn't care and zzzzzzzz. Back at the house, Vicky rings her boyfriend and humms and hahs her way through the conversation. The other girls make fun of James for not having sex with anyone yet, and mention "the gay rumours" Now, I've heard James is a massive closet case IRL so if he comes out of it during this season then...I don't know. I'd probably feel bad for making fun of him?
"I don't know...you want what you can't have and everyone loves a dickhead, and James is perfect for that" says Holly. Now, James goes on about wanting to bang a girl, but the only one who has shown any interest in him he shows disgust at. Not wanting to fuck Holly does not mean he's gay, but it does make him more of a relatable human being. I don't think this gay thing is going to go away, and it's going to be hilarious watching the other guy's complete over reaction to it
They all go out again. "I want to dance, flirt, get my goggles on" says Rebecca. I wish she'd put on a mask, or at least a gag. James' friend walks in and Holly gets with him really quickly. Sophie's friend turn up, and she ends up kissing him too. So both of the girls with boyfriends have kissed other guys now. Our survey says! Ricci and Vicky walk home together "There I was, getting a cuddle off him and eating a kebab. It doesn't sound romantic, but I had butterflies" says Vicky. Everyone is fucking classy
Holly went into the fuck hut with James' friend, but didn't have sex. "I have the no sex onsie on as proof!" she proclaims happily. THEN WHY GO INTO THE FUCK HUT YOU MORON? Sophie's dad turns up because ??? and someone points out that every time he turns up she is in bed with someone. It's worse this time since she's with her not boyfriend. To make things worse, Sophie's dad then goes into the fuck hut with Holly and the guy. Why? WHY!?
It ends up Holly didn't fuck James' friend because she wants to give the impression she doesn't fancy James so he then comes running to her. Since he's clearly gay, this is not going to work. Sophie's dad turns up because there's a party at his restaurant and he has no staff. HOW CAN YOU HAVE NO STAFF AT A RESTAURANT!? FUCK! Sophie agrees to take some people to help him out. "I am just like one of those dogs at the shelter" Rebecca says "When they find their owner and get all excited and humping their legs, thats how excited I am to go to the restaurant" It's a fucking italian restaurant, lady
Rebecca looks at someone and she is stupid and I hate her. Jay's ex then comes in and it gets a little awkward. Whoops, I said awkward when I meant to say staged. My bad! "She's nice, but not a patch on me!" Rebecca says. "Honestly, I think she's better looking than Rebecca" says Sophie. "She's fucking spoiling it with her tits! And her wine!" says Rebecca. If she really was better looking than her she wouldn't be getting so jealous. "I'm going to fuck her food up" she decides. Jay's ex wanted the chicken without the white wine sauce, so Rebecca tells them to cook it with the sauce. The situation is easily remedied because the food gets taken back and Rebecca gets blamed. Way to go you fucking troglodyte
Back at the house, the girls invite some other girls over so James can have a shot at fucking something. Gary then shows them the fuck hut and says "One of you will be here with me later" He's a huge fucking twat but at least he embraces it. Ricci gets drunk and Vicky finds him annoying. Then Gary tells everyone they are getting in he hot tub. "I want to go to anger management classes and share my angry stories with all the angry people there" Charlotte says. That's the entire point of anger management, you don't need to describe what they do there you fucking moron
One of the girls gets Gary to rub coconut oil onto her tits, and Charlotte finds out. Carlotte and Sophie then watch as one of the girls gives Gary a handjob in the hot tub. I bet they regret literally inviting them over now. If you're wondering no, nobody fucks James
The next morning, Charlotte packs her stuff and tells everyone she's leaving. At least there will be no more terrible extended metaphors with her gone. She has one last talk with Gary and then leaves. Everyone else is still asleep and she doesn't say a word to them. What a bitch. Gary wakes Sophie and tells her, and she's furious. Sophie then tells vicky and Holly, who start crying
Their boss then calls, and Sophie and Rebecca have to go out today. They both look forward to it, as they don't really know each other. They get their and it's two guys! "I'm really good at flirting" says Rebecca "I swish my hair around and push my boobs up. Everyone loves it!" She didn't love it when Jay's ex did that before. Self centered witch.
That night, nobody feels like going out without Charlotte so they all stay in. Holly makes fun of James because he is sun burnt "He may look like a tomato but he can have my fajita anyday" Fajita's are another food ruined by this show. Jay and Gary then sneak out to hit the town without telling the rest of them. Jay meets his ex again, Gary does what Gary does. Everyone else back at the house do what they do - get angry at themand call them worse than shit. "I'm a bit hurt Gary and Jay went out" James said, but he does follow it up with "without me" so don't feel too good about it
Vicky talks to Ricci about their situation, but as per usual for Vicky, she doesn't really come to a conclusion so things can drag on some more. Rebecca is unhappy that Jay isn't back yet and she keeps calling him "Jason" Fuck off lady. Jay comes back with his ex, Gary comes back with nobody for a change. People are shocked, but I'm not sure which part of that they are shocked at. Jay retreats to the fuck hut with his ex
Rebecca, in a fit of jealousy or some stupid shit, decides Gary is fair game. Jay is back in the house again for some unknown reason, and he claims it isn't. Despite saying before he doesn't mind if Gary takes a swing at her, now he isn't happy. Despite already having a girl in the fuck hut. Urgh, this is fucking DUMB. Gary even says repeatedly to him that he wouldn't do anything with her, and has said all along that it's Jay's right of refusal first
The two of them fight, and Rebecca plays innocent. "I'm not food, you don't fight over me" she says "But then I caused this. I don't understand how it came to this" She is terrible at playing innocent. I fucking hate her so much
Thursday 2 February 2012
Geordie Shore Season 2 Episode 1 - The melancholy of a shitlord
Fuck
We start with a recap of last season, except its done in less than 2 minutes. We get told Greg is gone and a new guy is coming in, but since I already know a new girl is coming in as well that surprise is ruined for me. THANKS INTERNET!
We start with Jay picking up Gary. They talk about women they've banged and women they will bang in the future, like some kind of sex philosophers. Gary's Grandad then tells them not to have unprotected sex, although whether he means with each other or not is not disclosed. "If you come back with any grandkids I'm gonna strangle you!" he says. I prefer my old people uncomfortably racist to be honest
Next up is Vicki, who says she has a boyfriend now. THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING IN GEORDIE SHORE!? This might be him, it might not, I dunno but it's a picture they lingered on so, as the expert of Geordie Shore, I'm going to say it is. They talk on the phone and say they'll miss each other so clearly they are gonna break up by the end in a pointless drama filled way
ADMIRAL ACKBAR WHERE DID YOU GOT THOSE TITTIES FROM!? Oh wait it's Rebecca, the new girl. "The lads and lasses won't know what hit them" she says as the very first thing she says "I'm off my fucking dick!" I don't really know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but she takes pictures of herself in her underwear in the toilet, like one of the girls did in her introduction in the first season. "I make everyone on Geordie Shore look fucking boring!" she says, which lets be honest isn't that difficult
We then get James...WAIT THAT'S NOT JAMES! It's Ricci the new guy, who looks fucking identical to James. I hope we find out they are twins halfway through but nobody realises until they're told. His mother packs his stuff for him "Wear a condom" she says "No babies until you're at least 35" Is this going to be the theme for the year?
Sophie has a boyfriend too! "I got chlamydia, I probably gave it to him" she says in her introduction and I can't stop laughing. We cut away to James, who has a new haircut. Since I can't remember what his hair looked like in season 1 I'm having trouble giving a shit. Holly is next, who says "I've come so far, I've really grew as a person" Since I wouldn't call her anything resembling a human being on her best day we'll see how long it lasts. James picks her up "He didn't bang in Newcastle, he didn't bang in Magaluf. Do I need a sign saying 'hello, I will bang you and I'm very good at it!'" says Holly, lasting less than ten seconds in her growing as a person phase
"We're going in as a family now" says Sophie "So there'll be no more Mr Nice Guy. I literally predict a riot!" Surely because they all know each other now there will be less fighting? Oh wait, what am I saying!? Sophie then gets a room to herself so, in her own words "I can hide in the corner and play with myself with my vibrator" Classy
Charlotte says Gary told her he liked her after Magaluf, which she calls "bullshit lies" Then she "had a boyfriend, but that sort of ended, so I guess I'm single, like?" She got retarded during the seasons. "I'm sick of Gary and his big willy, I'm only about little willies now" So I have a chance then! She makes a deal with her mother "If I get back with Gary I promise to do the ironing for the year" she says. "Charlotte, you can't iron" her mother replies. Why does this season feel like its scripted now? Am I being played here?
Vicki enters the house, and takes a room with Sophie since they both have boyfriends. Sophie then shows Vicki her vibrator, and tells her they can share it. Vicki calls her a scruffy bitch. They are friends. Ricci enters next, and apparently he knows Vicki. "She's a good looking girl, there's a bit of feelings, we'll see what happens" he says in his monotonous tone
"I'm an independant woman now! The bank has been demolished, and in its place is an independant woman's shop, and if anyone enters asking for a cash point I'm going to smash their faces in!" Charlotte says, stretching that metaphor far past breaking point. She, Gary and Jay enter next, and apparently Gary is friends with Ricci. I asked in season 1 how all these people knew each other as they entered and I still have no fucking clue
Everyone then sits around talking about the new person. There's an extra bed and chair att he dining table so they all know another person is coming. "I'm going to be loud constantly, act up" Rebecca says, not really doing a good job so far of being endearing. She walks in and that old cliche of everyone falling silent when they realise she's there happens. It's pretty funny. All the girls then start talking and ignore her while the guys are nice to her. Typical, on both counts
Charlotte claims she has Rebecca's dress, Vicki says "I did too so I took it back!" and it's already began. 15 minutes in and Vicki is being a bitch for no reason. WELCOME TO GEORDIE SHORE! The girls go off to a bedroom to bitc about her "She looks like Nancy Del Ollio on crack!" Vicki snaps, getting her reference wrong. Gary and Rebecca turn the hot tub on "Does it have red lights?" Rebecca asks "I really like red" So that explains everything about her - she's clearly the special needs case inserted into the show so everyone can learn something
Regardless, her and Vicki then have the first argument. The guys stay with Rebecca and Ricci keeps crawling around Vicki like a lovesick puppy. He keeps kissing her on the head and cheeks all the time and its really weird. "I love my boyfriend to bits and I wouldn't hurt him" Vicki says, ruining the moment by following it up with "intentionally". She then follows it up with arguing with Rebecca again. I might need an acronym for this because I'm already fucking sick of typing it out
Everyone but Vicki and Holly hits the hot tub, and Holly goes topless. 19 minutes. Rebecca and Jay hit it off and then the most predictable thing ever happens. Everyone ditches the hot tub except the two of them, who have sex. On the first night. After both repeatedly saying they wouldn't. "I thought you could get some problems with doing it in water?" says Holly, and I already want to smash her face in with a brick
Rebecca goes to clean the air with Vicki, we get a commercial and when we come back they are arguing! Again! For the third time tonight! Holly decides to make a move on James, and it doesn't go well. Next morning, Charlotte seems to have some regrets and Gary clearly doesn't. WHO COULD HAVE SAW THIS COMING!? The Boss comes in and tells them are going to be spray tanning people, so everyone practices. "It's against the law to not have a spray tan in Newcastle" says Holly, who has no idea what the laws are and isn't even from Newcastle
They all go out that night and Jay is inseperable from Rebecca "I have my love goggles on" she says. I don't think those are real either. Gary is out pulling women, so Charlotte gets drunk and cries. Jay and Rebecca get a taxi back, she is talking about Vicki constantly so Jay kisses her. When they stop she just keeps talking about Vicki. It's going to be one of those seasons of Geordie Shore. In other predictable news, Gary brings a woman back and takes her to the shed. Sex occurs. Charlotte, still drunk, throws a bottle off the shed and then goes to bed and cries more
Next morning, James and Vicky have to go work as a mobile spray tan. "I'm not looking forward to this, I can't stand her" says James. Things are about to get worse for him. Much worse. "I like James" says Vicki the silver lining "He's more relaxed and making an effort with us, that's all I wanted from him" By the end of the spray tan he's starting to like Vicki more too. Hurray! One less argument in the future!
That night they go out again and Rebecca moans that nobody likes her because nobody talks to her. She is the new Holly. Gary and Charlotte then argue because Gary fucks her and then fucks literally anyone else right after. Getting a weird feeling of deja vu here. "If I saw a girl make you happy I'd spit in her eyes" Charlotte tells him. I was sick of this shit 6 fucking months ago, let the dream die
Ricci starts to make his move on Vicki and Rebecca decides now is the best time to talk to Vicki. They patch things up and things look good...FOR NOW! I also think I hate Rebecca more than Holly. The episode ends with Ricci and Vicki in bed together and something happens but I can't be sure so I'm going to guess they play Risk until the next episode
We start with a recap of last season, except its done in less than 2 minutes. We get told Greg is gone and a new guy is coming in, but since I already know a new girl is coming in as well that surprise is ruined for me. THANKS INTERNET!
We start with Jay picking up Gary. They talk about women they've banged and women they will bang in the future, like some kind of sex philosophers. Gary's Grandad then tells them not to have unprotected sex, although whether he means with each other or not is not disclosed. "If you come back with any grandkids I'm gonna strangle you!" he says. I prefer my old people uncomfortably racist to be honest
Next up is Vicki, who says she has a boyfriend now. THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING IN GEORDIE SHORE!? This might be him, it might not, I dunno but it's a picture they lingered on so, as the expert of Geordie Shore, I'm going to say it is. They talk on the phone and say they'll miss each other so clearly they are gonna break up by the end in a pointless drama filled way
ADMIRAL ACKBAR WHERE DID YOU GOT THOSE TITTIES FROM!? Oh wait it's Rebecca, the new girl. "The lads and lasses won't know what hit them" she says as the very first thing she says "I'm off my fucking dick!" I don't really know if thats a good thing or a bad thing but she takes pictures of herself in her underwear in the toilet, like one of the girls did in her introduction in the first season. "I make everyone on Geordie Shore look fucking boring!" she says, which lets be honest isn't that difficult
We then get James...WAIT THAT'S NOT JAMES! It's Ricci the new guy, who looks fucking identical to James. I hope we find out they are twins halfway through but nobody realises until they're told. His mother packs his stuff for him "Wear a condom" she says "No babies until you're at least 35" Is this going to be the theme for the year?
Sophie has a boyfriend too! "I got chlamydia, I probably gave it to him" she says in her introduction and I can't stop laughing. We cut away to James, who has a new haircut. Since I can't remember what his hair looked like in season 1 I'm having trouble giving a shit. Holly is next, who says "I've come so far, I've really grew as a person" Since I wouldn't call her anything resembling a human being on her best day we'll see how long it lasts. James picks her up "He didn't bang in Newcastle, he didn't bang in Magaluf. Do I need a sign saying 'hello, I will bang you and I'm very good at it!'" says Holly, lasting less than ten seconds in her growing as a person phase
"We're going in as a family now" says Sophie "So there'll be no more Mr Nice Guy. I literally predict a riot!" Surely because they all know each other now there will be less fighting? Oh wait, what am I saying!? Sophie then gets a room to herself so, in her own words "I can hide in the corner and play with myself with my vibrator" Classy
Charlotte says Gary told her he liked her after Magaluf, which she calls "bullshit lies" Then she "had a boyfriend, but that sort of ended, so I guess I'm single, like?" She got retarded during the seasons. "I'm sick of Gary and his big willy, I'm only about little willies now" So I have a chance then! She makes a deal with her mother "If I get back with Gary I promise to do the ironing for the year" she says. "Charlotte, you can't iron" her mother replies. Why does this season feel like its scripted now? Am I being played here?
Vicki enters the house, and takes a room with Sophie since they both have boyfriends. Sophie then shows Vicki her vibrator, and tells her they can share it. Vicki calls her a scruffy bitch. They are friends. Ricci enters next, and apparently he knows Vicki. "She's a good looking girl, there's a bit of feelings, we'll see what happens" he says in his monotonous tone
"I'm an independant woman now! The bank has been demolished, and in its place is an independant woman's shop, and if anyone enters asking for a cash point I'm going to smash their faces in!" Charlotte says, stretching that metaphor far past breaking point. She, Gary and Jay enter next, and apparently Gary is friends with Ricci. I asked in season 1 how all these people knew each other as they entered and I still have no fucking clue
Everyone then sits around talking about the new person. There's an extra bed and chair att he dining table so they all know another person is coming. "I'm going to be loud constantly, act up" Rebecca says, not really doing a good job so far of being endearing. She walks in and that old cliche of everyone falling silent when they realise she's there happens. It's pretty funny. All the girls then start talking and ignore her while the guys are nice to her. Typical, on both counts
Charlotte claims she has Rebecca's dress, Vicki says "I did too so I took it back!" and it's already began. 15 minutes in and Vicki is being a bitch for no reason. WELCOME TO GEORDIE SHORE! The girls go off to a bedroom to bitc about her "She looks like Nancy Del Ollio on crack!" Vicki snaps, getting her reference wrong. Gary and Rebecca turn the hot tub on "Does it have red lights?" Rebecca asks "I really like red" So that explains everything about her - she's clearly the special needs case inserted into the show so everyone can learn something
Regardless, her and Vicki then have the first argument. The guys stay with Rebecca and Ricci keeps crawling around Vicki like a lovesick puppy. He keeps kissing her on the head and cheeks all the time and its really weird. "I love my boyfriend to bits and I wouldn't hurt him" Vicki says, ruining the moment by following it up with "intentionally". She then follows it up with arguing with Rebecca again. I might need an acronym for this because I'm already fucking sick of typing it out
Everyone but Vicki and Holly hits the hot tub, and Holly goes topless. 19 minutes. Rebecca and Jay hit it off and then the most predictable thing ever happens. Everyone ditches the hot tub except the two of them, who have sex. On the first night. After both repeatedly saying they wouldn't. "I thought you could get some problems with doing it in water?" says Holly, and I already want to smash her face in with a brick
Rebecca goes to clean the air with Vicki, we get a commercial and when we come back they are arguing! Again! For the third time tonight! Holly decides to make a move on James, and it doesn't go well. Next morning, Charlotte seems to have some regrets and Gary clearly doesn't. WHO COULD HAVE SAW THIS COMING!? The Boss comes in and tells them are going to be spray tanning people, so everyone practices. "It's against the law to not have a spray tan in Newcastle" says Holly, who has no idea what the laws are and isn't even from Newcastle
They all go out that night and Jay is inseperable from Rebecca "I have my love goggles on" she says. I don't think those are real either. Gary is out pulling women, so Charlotte gets drunk and cries. Jay and Rebecca get a taxi back, she is talking about Vicki constantly so Jay kisses her. When they stop she just keeps talking about Vicki. It's going to be one of those seasons of Geordie Shore. In other predictable news, Gary brings a woman back and takes her to the shed. Sex occurs. Charlotte, still drunk, throws a bottle off the shed and then goes to bed and cries more
Next morning, James and Vicky have to go work as a mobile spray tan. "I'm not looking forward to this, I can't stand her" says James. Things are about to get worse for him. Much worse. "I like James" says Vicki the silver lining "He's more relaxed and making an effort with us, that's all I wanted from him" By the end of the spray tan he's starting to like Vicki more too. Hurray! One less argument in the future!
That night they go out again and Rebecca moans that nobody likes her because nobody talks to her. She is the new Holly. Gary and Charlotte then argue because Gary fucks her and then fucks literally anyone else right after. Getting a weird feeling of deja vu here. "If I saw a girl make you happy I'd spit in her eyes" Charlotte tells him. I was sick of this shit 6 fucking months ago, let the dream die
Ricci starts to make his move on Vicki and Rebecca decides now is the best time to talk to Vicki. They patch things up and things look good...FOR NOW! I also think I hate Rebecca more than Holly. The episode ends with Ricci and Vicki in bed together and something happens but I can't be sure so I'm going to guess they play Risk until the next episode
Saturday 28 January 2012
Chuck - A Retrospective, or how I watched a middling TV show for 5 years because it was good for like 8 episodes 3 years ago
I honestly don't know why I'm typing this - none of the people who will actually read this even watch Chuck, and the people who see this but not read it either don't care about Chuck or just ignore it anyways. But I have Strong Feelings about Chuck and, just like all children who have Strong Feelings, I need to write them down so strangers on the internet can understand I'm a huge shitlord
Chuck was billed as an action/comedy show, although it took about 3 episodes into the first season for the melodrama to start and it really ramped up the melodrama as it went on. I started watching it not long after Season 2 ended, so really it was more like 3 years but that is irrelevant to this matter
I'll try and shorten the overall plot to a bare minimum - a nerdy guy who works with computer gets sent an e-mail by an old friend of his on his birthday. It ends up his old friend is a rogue CIA spy, and the e-mail consists of every government secret that then uploaded itself into the nerdy guy's brain. The CIA and NSA send agents to look after the nerdy guy, and one of them is a woman and the nerd fall in love and every cliché you can imagine takes place
It starred Zachary Levi as the title character, and credit where credit is due, he did a good job. For the show to work it needed a likable lead; too nerdy and you'd alienate most of your target audience but he needed to be a decent person as well without being boring. Levi manages to walk the tightrope well, and does a good job in being a likable character who you root for
Yvonne Strahovski is Sarah, the female spy he falls in love with, and she does a decent enough job. If you were unaware I'm gay as hell for her because she is incredibly beautiful (UNRELATED - if you google Yvonne Strahovski then the second thing google gives you is her video game character from Mass Effect 2. The fourth is her feet. Thanks internet!) The main problem stems from the fact a lot of the melodrama surrounds her, but I'll whine about that later, and it isn't really her fault
The NSA agent John Casey is played by Adam Baldwin, the Baldwin brother who isn't actually a Baldwin brother. For the first two seasons he is easily the best part of the show, as his antagonistic relationship with Chuck is where most of the humour happens. From the third season onwards he is just sort of there. He goes on missions, he gets the odd line or subplot, but by and large he doesn't do anything at all
Joshua Gomez is Chuck's best friend Morgan, as he is awful in the first few seasons but after he finds out Chuck is a spy he becomes alright, until the last season when he's insufferable again. Sarah Lancaster plays Ellie, Chuck's sister, and she doesn't do anything of much note either. Early on she plays the role of someone Chuck tries to protect, but in Season 4 she ends up being a research specialist who knows everything about top secret government projects. Cool
Ryan McPartlin plays Ellie's boyfriend/fianceé/husband, and he's fairly great. Portrayed early on as nothing but a good looking jock, when he's actually given development in Season 3 it really fleshes him out and he becomes a solid supporting actor. Vik Sahay and Scott Krinsky are Jeff and Lester, who work with Chuck, and are used mostly as comic relief that is very hit and miss, and Mark Christoher Scott as Big Mike, Chuck's boss and mostly comic relief. Later on he's used primarily to shill for Subway, the show's sponser, which starts off as funny but ends up being eye rollingly bad
Jesus, that was a lot of words to type about the characters, especially since most of them don't really do anything or have much impact on the story or even develop in any logical way
Season 1 starts with Chuck clearly out of his depth but he tries his best. Sarah and Casey take him out on missions, he doesn't do too well, he talks to his best friend or sister (sometimes both!) who motivate him to do better inadvertedly and then the mission goes well. That is basically season 1. People defend it by saying it got gutted due to the writer's strike (remember that?) but that's barely an excuse when the show wasn't really going anywhere with what they had
Chuck falls for Sarah really quickly, which makes sense, and she likes him but not really in that way. Oh yeah, did I mention she was in love with the rogue agent who sent Chuck the e-mail to start all this? Because nothing says melodrama like needless complications! Nothing of note really happens in Season 1, but it was a decent enough show
Season 2 starts, and Chuck gets back together with his ex because Sarah isn't interested in him. Oh yeah, Chuck's ex broke up with him years before to get with the rogue agent who sent Chuck the e-mail to start all this. The rogue agent? He was in one episode at the end of Season 1 where he does nothing, he's in one episode early season 2 and does nothing, and then is in the last episode of Season 2 where he dies. They build all these inroads for them and never really follow through with any of them. Cool. That's cool
One common complaint about The X-Files is that the "Monster of the Week" stories are usually better episodes than the ones that carry on the story arc for the season. Chuck is pretty much exactly the same. The common theme of the first two seasons is trying to get the secrets out of Chuck's brain, but nearly every episode where that theme is front and center are boring. Without the secrets the show wouldn't exist, so why focus so much time on trying to invalidate the show when the audience already knows it isn't going to happen?
To be fair to Season 2, Chuck and Sarah get most of their development here and it is mostly good. Sarah slowly opening up to him is done well, and Chuck's growing confidence in himself is also done nicely. It finally does start a will-they-won't-they scenario which lasts for the second half of Season 2, but the second half of Season 2 is easily the highlight of the show. The comic relief is pasable at worst, the ball gets rolling in the story, most of the build up from the first two seasons comes to a head and it is 9 or 10 episodes of very enjoyable television. Sarah seems to be ready to tell Chuck how she feels, Chuck finally gets rid of the secrets in his brain and things look good
Then in the lat few minutes of Season 2 the rogue agent gets killed and Chuck gets a new version of the government secrets which basically makes him become Goku. Surrounded by bad guys? He knows kung fu now. Talking to an ambassador from China? He can speak Chinese now. It may open up a lot of possibilities, but it also starts the downfall of the series, which I'll go into later
Another problem that came about now was that Chuck got cancelled. It took a huge fight from the fans to bring it back for a third season, and despite the fact it never was a ratings hit, it might have been the strength of the back end of Season 2 which ended up saving it
Season 3 starts, and the reset button has been pressed. Chuck and Sarah, who looked like they were going to get together, end up having a falling out in between Seasons that we see through flashbacks. So now he has to win her back all over again! Hope you weren't sick of the needless melodrama from Season 2 since we get it all over again now! Also, the new Goku Powers he has are controlled by his emotions, so if he's feeling stressed out over, say, being in love with Sarah but won't do anything about it, then he can no longer Goku it up. Season 3 made melodrama a fucking plot point
Brandon Routh, aka FUCKING SUPERMAN, came in for the Season, and he's a pretty solid actor overall and he did the job well. Until he gets sucked into the melodrama too! Ends up the people after Chuck had his wife as a sleeper agent, but she got killed so he swears revenge. A few episodes after we find that out, Brandon Routh starts dating Sarah and Chuck starts dating some woman who I can't remember but she was on Smallville or something
Now, the Christmas break started around this point. After spending the first two seasons building up the will-they-won't-they far past the breaking point, they then pull a won't-they. The episode ends with the two of them talking to each other about how happy they are in their relationships, and then for 2 months no new episodes were shown
The fans went ballistic
After spending so much effort into saving the show, the very same fans were furious the two lead characters didn't get together. It reached a point where the series creator had to come out publically to tell them to calm down, the season wasn't done yet and they should get some fucking patience. When the fans of the show start to have a say in the direction of the show is around the time you should stop the show, because it will all go downhill from there
After the Christmas break, the very first episode (or maybe the second, I don't remember) shows Sarah killing Superman's wife on her very first mission and Superman finds out. Also in the same episode Chuck dumps his new girlfriend and starts pining for Sarah again. Amazingly, the fans were placated by this, because they are fucking stupid
So yes, Superman ends up a bad guy and Chuck saves Sarah and they get together about halfway through Season 3. At the end of Season 3 Superman kills Chuck's dad but then Chuck beats him again and arrests him. The season ends with a recording of Chuck's dad telling him to look for his Mother
A cliffhanger ending which, the creator said, was to try and convince NBC to give it another season. It ends up NBC's lineup was doing terrible, so Chuck got Season 4 without much fanfare. The fans were happy, after years of shipping the two of them they were finally together. Who cares if there really isn't anywhere to go after this? They were together!
So, Season 4. This is where the show starts to tread water. Sarah isn't used to a normal relationship, and Chuck tries to help her with that. Casey, who becomes less relevant with each passing season, gets a daughter he didn't know existed to try and round out his character. And by round out his character I actually mean "Haha he was a badass for the first few seasons, now he has to adjust to having a daughter! What wacky situations can come from this!?"
Midway through Season 3, Chuck's best friend Morgan finds out he's a spy so now he was part of the team too, and most of Season 4 has Caey with his daughter and also tyring to train Morgan like he did with Chuck. HIJINX ENSUES! Morgan also starts dating Caey's daughter because, and this is a serious thing the show has, MELODRAMA
Timothy Dalton, a good Bond in bad Bond movies, is the bad guy for Season 4 and, as you'd expect, he does a good job, aside from his terrible Russian accent. Linda Hamilton plays Chuck's mother, who is a sleeper agent inside James Bond's group but James Bond is in love with her and...hey, this sounds familiar? It also ends up James Bond has a daughter and Jesus I'm feeling deja vu all of a sudden what the hell?
Midway through Season 4 Chuck loses the government secrets again, but at the end of the Season Morgan gets them. Season 5 gets given to them, and the creators said this is the last one, two seasons too late. Morgan has the secrets for about 3 episodes when he loses them, which is a great use of your comic relief character. Superman comes back for an episode, then gets arrested again. Then a fat dude is the end of season bad guy. Sarah gets the secrets put into her brain, she loses them two episodes later as well as all her memories (fucking seriously) then she kills the fat guy and then Chuck gets the secrets again. The entire series then ends
Despite the fact this is far too fucking long as it is, I want to show each of the main character's progression through the show
Chuck - Start as a nerdy loser. Gets all the secrets, spends nearly 3 years gaining confidence and chasing Sarah, wins her, watches his dad die, finds his long lost mother, gets married and then has an OPEN ENDING!
Sarah - Start as hardass spy pretending to be Chuck's girlfriend to stay close to him. Begins to like him, spends 3 years saying no to him, says yes to him, gets married, gets the secrets, loses the secrets and all her memories, OPEN ENDING
Casey - Hardass spy, does nothing for 3 seaons, gets a daughter, is relegated to comic relief but occasionly does something cool to keep him as a threat
Morgan - Starts as bigger nerdy loser, comic relief for 4 seasons, gets the secrets, loses them
Those are your 4 main characters. After 5 years, development is only in 2 of them. Fuck, Cyril got more development in the latest episode of Archer than Morgan did in 5 fucking years
So, problems with the show. I've already mentioned the melodrama, which you could drown in easily. There's far too much of it and a lot of it isn't neccesary at all. I really don't need to say how bad "I lost all my memories" is a a fucking plot point but apparently I do because it's still being used! Fuck!
But the major problem is there is no sense of urgency in the show at all. You always know they will save the day. The only time they don't is when Superman kills Chuck's dad, and even that doesn't really accomplish anything. It doesn't matter how many guys with guns there are, they will always win. This becomes especially apparent from Season 3, where Chuck becomes Goku on a whim. What possible threat can stand up to that?
The secrets themselves are a MacGuffin that gets changed constantly. In the first two seasons its a tool of infomation you can pull up anytime. From the third season it lets him become Goku as well. Alright then. Then it starts not working if his emotions aren't in line. Melodrama as a plot point. Alright, fine Then the secrets start to affect his brain, giving him migraines and causing him to collapse. Fine, whatever. Then he loses the secrets, and Morgan gets them. Then it starts making him forget things. Then he loses them, Sarah gets them, then she loses all of her memories. Then she loses the secrets, Chuck gets them again. Then the show ends
So, what? Will Chuck lose his memories too? They make a big deal over the last two episodes that Sarah doesn't remember Chuck at all, but at the end Chuck recaps the entire show to her (in a musical montage, thank fuck) and then they kiss. Does she regain her memories? Time and time again it is reiterated that she feels nothing for him, but she remembers bits and pieces. What does any of it mean? A vague ending is fine, but this seems more like the writers had no clue what they were doing and just made it vague to avoid having to explain anything. When everyone else gets a happy ending why would you make the main characters ending vague?
For the last two years, I watched Chuck almost out of routine. The back end of Season 2 was really good, and I wanted the show to be that good again. The kicker is, its been years since I watched the back end of Season 2. If I rewatch it now, will I end up hating it? Maybe the show never was that good, and it was a younger and different me that liked it? Maybe the characters in the show didn't change because it was me all along who changed! That's fucking deep man
Chuck was billed as an action/comedy show, although it took about 3 episodes into the first season for the melodrama to start and it really ramped up the melodrama as it went on. I started watching it not long after Season 2 ended, so really it was more like 3 years but that is irrelevant to this matter
I'll try and shorten the overall plot to a bare minimum - a nerdy guy who works with computer gets sent an e-mail by an old friend of his on his birthday. It ends up his old friend is a rogue CIA spy, and the e-mail consists of every government secret that then uploaded itself into the nerdy guy's brain. The CIA and NSA send agents to look after the nerdy guy, and one of them is a woman and the nerd fall in love and every cliché you can imagine takes place
It starred Zachary Levi as the title character, and credit where credit is due, he did a good job. For the show to work it needed a likable lead; too nerdy and you'd alienate most of your target audience but he needed to be a decent person as well without being boring. Levi manages to walk the tightrope well, and does a good job in being a likable character who you root for
Yvonne Strahovski is Sarah, the female spy he falls in love with, and she does a decent enough job. If you were unaware I'm gay as hell for her because she is incredibly beautiful (UNRELATED - if you google Yvonne Strahovski then the second thing google gives you is her video game character from Mass Effect 2. The fourth is her feet. Thanks internet!) The main problem stems from the fact a lot of the melodrama surrounds her, but I'll whine about that later, and it isn't really her fault
The NSA agent John Casey is played by Adam Baldwin, the Baldwin brother who isn't actually a Baldwin brother. For the first two seasons he is easily the best part of the show, as his antagonistic relationship with Chuck is where most of the humour happens. From the third season onwards he is just sort of there. He goes on missions, he gets the odd line or subplot, but by and large he doesn't do anything at all
Joshua Gomez is Chuck's best friend Morgan, as he is awful in the first few seasons but after he finds out Chuck is a spy he becomes alright, until the last season when he's insufferable again. Sarah Lancaster plays Ellie, Chuck's sister, and she doesn't do anything of much note either. Early on she plays the role of someone Chuck tries to protect, but in Season 4 she ends up being a research specialist who knows everything about top secret government projects. Cool
Ryan McPartlin plays Ellie's boyfriend/fianceé/husband, and he's fairly great. Portrayed early on as nothing but a good looking jock, when he's actually given development in Season 3 it really fleshes him out and he becomes a solid supporting actor. Vik Sahay and Scott Krinsky are Jeff and Lester, who work with Chuck, and are used mostly as comic relief that is very hit and miss, and Mark Christoher Scott as Big Mike, Chuck's boss and mostly comic relief. Later on he's used primarily to shill for Subway, the show's sponser, which starts off as funny but ends up being eye rollingly bad
Jesus, that was a lot of words to type about the characters, especially since most of them don't really do anything or have much impact on the story or even develop in any logical way
Season 1 starts with Chuck clearly out of his depth but he tries his best. Sarah and Casey take him out on missions, he doesn't do too well, he talks to his best friend or sister (sometimes both!) who motivate him to do better inadvertedly and then the mission goes well. That is basically season 1. People defend it by saying it got gutted due to the writer's strike (remember that?) but that's barely an excuse when the show wasn't really going anywhere with what they had
Chuck falls for Sarah really quickly, which makes sense, and she likes him but not really in that way. Oh yeah, did I mention she was in love with the rogue agent who sent Chuck the e-mail to start all this? Because nothing says melodrama like needless complications! Nothing of note really happens in Season 1, but it was a decent enough show
Season 2 starts, and Chuck gets back together with his ex because Sarah isn't interested in him. Oh yeah, Chuck's ex broke up with him years before to get with the rogue agent who sent Chuck the e-mail to start all this. The rogue agent? He was in one episode at the end of Season 1 where he does nothing, he's in one episode early season 2 and does nothing, and then is in the last episode of Season 2 where he dies. They build all these inroads for them and never really follow through with any of them. Cool. That's cool
One common complaint about The X-Files is that the "Monster of the Week" stories are usually better episodes than the ones that carry on the story arc for the season. Chuck is pretty much exactly the same. The common theme of the first two seasons is trying to get the secrets out of Chuck's brain, but nearly every episode where that theme is front and center are boring. Without the secrets the show wouldn't exist, so why focus so much time on trying to invalidate the show when the audience already knows it isn't going to happen?
To be fair to Season 2, Chuck and Sarah get most of their development here and it is mostly good. Sarah slowly opening up to him is done well, and Chuck's growing confidence in himself is also done nicely. It finally does start a will-they-won't-they scenario which lasts for the second half of Season 2, but the second half of Season 2 is easily the highlight of the show. The comic relief is pasable at worst, the ball gets rolling in the story, most of the build up from the first two seasons comes to a head and it is 9 or 10 episodes of very enjoyable television. Sarah seems to be ready to tell Chuck how she feels, Chuck finally gets rid of the secrets in his brain and things look good
Then in the lat few minutes of Season 2 the rogue agent gets killed and Chuck gets a new version of the government secrets which basically makes him become Goku. Surrounded by bad guys? He knows kung fu now. Talking to an ambassador from China? He can speak Chinese now. It may open up a lot of possibilities, but it also starts the downfall of the series, which I'll go into later
Another problem that came about now was that Chuck got cancelled. It took a huge fight from the fans to bring it back for a third season, and despite the fact it never was a ratings hit, it might have been the strength of the back end of Season 2 which ended up saving it
Season 3 starts, and the reset button has been pressed. Chuck and Sarah, who looked like they were going to get together, end up having a falling out in between Seasons that we see through flashbacks. So now he has to win her back all over again! Hope you weren't sick of the needless melodrama from Season 2 since we get it all over again now! Also, the new Goku Powers he has are controlled by his emotions, so if he's feeling stressed out over, say, being in love with Sarah but won't do anything about it, then he can no longer Goku it up. Season 3 made melodrama a fucking plot point
Brandon Routh, aka FUCKING SUPERMAN, came in for the Season, and he's a pretty solid actor overall and he did the job well. Until he gets sucked into the melodrama too! Ends up the people after Chuck had his wife as a sleeper agent, but she got killed so he swears revenge. A few episodes after we find that out, Brandon Routh starts dating Sarah and Chuck starts dating some woman who I can't remember but she was on Smallville or something
Now, the Christmas break started around this point. After spending the first two seasons building up the will-they-won't-they far past the breaking point, they then pull a won't-they. The episode ends with the two of them talking to each other about how happy they are in their relationships, and then for 2 months no new episodes were shown
The fans went ballistic
After spending so much effort into saving the show, the very same fans were furious the two lead characters didn't get together. It reached a point where the series creator had to come out publically to tell them to calm down, the season wasn't done yet and they should get some fucking patience. When the fans of the show start to have a say in the direction of the show is around the time you should stop the show, because it will all go downhill from there
After the Christmas break, the very first episode (or maybe the second, I don't remember) shows Sarah killing Superman's wife on her very first mission and Superman finds out. Also in the same episode Chuck dumps his new girlfriend and starts pining for Sarah again. Amazingly, the fans were placated by this, because they are fucking stupid
So yes, Superman ends up a bad guy and Chuck saves Sarah and they get together about halfway through Season 3. At the end of Season 3 Superman kills Chuck's dad but then Chuck beats him again and arrests him. The season ends with a recording of Chuck's dad telling him to look for his Mother
A cliffhanger ending which, the creator said, was to try and convince NBC to give it another season. It ends up NBC's lineup was doing terrible, so Chuck got Season 4 without much fanfare. The fans were happy, after years of shipping the two of them they were finally together. Who cares if there really isn't anywhere to go after this? They were together!
So, Season 4. This is where the show starts to tread water. Sarah isn't used to a normal relationship, and Chuck tries to help her with that. Casey, who becomes less relevant with each passing season, gets a daughter he didn't know existed to try and round out his character. And by round out his character I actually mean "Haha he was a badass for the first few seasons, now he has to adjust to having a daughter! What wacky situations can come from this!?"
Midway through Season 3, Chuck's best friend Morgan finds out he's a spy so now he was part of the team too, and most of Season 4 has Caey with his daughter and also tyring to train Morgan like he did with Chuck. HIJINX ENSUES! Morgan also starts dating Caey's daughter because, and this is a serious thing the show has, MELODRAMA
Timothy Dalton, a good Bond in bad Bond movies, is the bad guy for Season 4 and, as you'd expect, he does a good job, aside from his terrible Russian accent. Linda Hamilton plays Chuck's mother, who is a sleeper agent inside James Bond's group but James Bond is in love with her and...hey, this sounds familiar? It also ends up James Bond has a daughter and Jesus I'm feeling deja vu all of a sudden what the hell?
Midway through Season 4 Chuck loses the government secrets again, but at the end of the Season Morgan gets them. Season 5 gets given to them, and the creators said this is the last one, two seasons too late. Morgan has the secrets for about 3 episodes when he loses them, which is a great use of your comic relief character. Superman comes back for an episode, then gets arrested again. Then a fat dude is the end of season bad guy. Sarah gets the secrets put into her brain, she loses them two episodes later as well as all her memories (fucking seriously) then she kills the fat guy and then Chuck gets the secrets again. The entire series then ends
Despite the fact this is far too fucking long as it is, I want to show each of the main character's progression through the show
Chuck - Start as a nerdy loser. Gets all the secrets, spends nearly 3 years gaining confidence and chasing Sarah, wins her, watches his dad die, finds his long lost mother, gets married and then has an OPEN ENDING!
Sarah - Start as hardass spy pretending to be Chuck's girlfriend to stay close to him. Begins to like him, spends 3 years saying no to him, says yes to him, gets married, gets the secrets, loses the secrets and all her memories, OPEN ENDING
Casey - Hardass spy, does nothing for 3 seaons, gets a daughter, is relegated to comic relief but occasionly does something cool to keep him as a threat
Morgan - Starts as bigger nerdy loser, comic relief for 4 seasons, gets the secrets, loses them
Those are your 4 main characters. After 5 years, development is only in 2 of them. Fuck, Cyril got more development in the latest episode of Archer than Morgan did in 5 fucking years
So, problems with the show. I've already mentioned the melodrama, which you could drown in easily. There's far too much of it and a lot of it isn't neccesary at all. I really don't need to say how bad "I lost all my memories" is a a fucking plot point but apparently I do because it's still being used! Fuck!
But the major problem is there is no sense of urgency in the show at all. You always know they will save the day. The only time they don't is when Superman kills Chuck's dad, and even that doesn't really accomplish anything. It doesn't matter how many guys with guns there are, they will always win. This becomes especially apparent from Season 3, where Chuck becomes Goku on a whim. What possible threat can stand up to that?
The secrets themselves are a MacGuffin that gets changed constantly. In the first two seasons its a tool of infomation you can pull up anytime. From the third season it lets him become Goku as well. Alright then. Then it starts not working if his emotions aren't in line. Melodrama as a plot point. Alright, fine Then the secrets start to affect his brain, giving him migraines and causing him to collapse. Fine, whatever. Then he loses the secrets, and Morgan gets them. Then it starts making him forget things. Then he loses them, Sarah gets them, then she loses all of her memories. Then she loses the secrets, Chuck gets them again. Then the show ends
So, what? Will Chuck lose his memories too? They make a big deal over the last two episodes that Sarah doesn't remember Chuck at all, but at the end Chuck recaps the entire show to her (in a musical montage, thank fuck) and then they kiss. Does she regain her memories? Time and time again it is reiterated that she feels nothing for him, but she remembers bits and pieces. What does any of it mean? A vague ending is fine, but this seems more like the writers had no clue what they were doing and just made it vague to avoid having to explain anything. When everyone else gets a happy ending why would you make the main characters ending vague?
For the last two years, I watched Chuck almost out of routine. The back end of Season 2 was really good, and I wanted the show to be that good again. The kicker is, its been years since I watched the back end of Season 2. If I rewatch it now, will I end up hating it? Maybe the show never was that good, and it was a younger and different me that liked it? Maybe the characters in the show didn't change because it was me all along who changed! That's fucking deep man
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