Chuck - A Retrospective, or how I watched a middling TV show for 5 years because it was good for like 8 episodes 3 years ago

I honestly don't know why I'm typing this - none of the people who will actually read this even watch Chuck, and the people who see this but not read it either don't care about Chuck or just ignore it anyways. But I have Strong Feelings about Chuck and, just like all children who have Strong Feelings, I need to write them down so strangers on the internet can understand I'm a huge shitlord

Chuck was billed as an action/comedy show, although it took about 3 episodes into the first season for the melodrama to start and it really ramped up the melodrama as it went on. I started watching it not long after Season 2 ended, so really it was more like 3 years but that is irrelevant to this matter

I'll try and shorten the overall plot to a bare minimum - a nerdy guy who works with computer gets sent an e-mail by an old friend of his on his birthday. It ends up his old friend is a rogue CIA spy, and the e-mail consists of every government secret that then uploaded itself into the nerdy guy's brain. The CIA and NSA send agents to look after the nerdy guy, and one of them is a woman and the nerd fall in love and every cliché you can imagine takes place

It starred Zachary Levi as the title character, and credit where credit is due, he did a good job. For the show to work it needed a likable lead; too nerdy and you'd alienate most of your target audience but he needed to be a decent person as well without being boring. Levi manages to walk the tightrope well, and does a good job in being a likable character who you root for

Yvonne Strahovski is Sarah, the female spy he falls in love with, and she does a decent enough job. If you were unaware I'm gay as hell for her because she is incredibly beautiful (UNRELATED - if you google Yvonne Strahovski then the second thing google gives you is her video game character from Mass Effect 2. The fourth is her feet. Thanks internet!) The main problem stems from the fact a lot of the melodrama surrounds her, but I'll whine about that later, and it isn't really her fault

The NSA agent John Casey is played by Adam Baldwin, the Baldwin brother who isn't actually a Baldwin brother. For the first two seasons he is easily the best part of the show, as his antagonistic relationship with Chuck is where most of the humour happens. From the third season onwards he is just sort of there. He goes on missions, he gets the odd line or subplot, but by and large he doesn't do anything at all

Joshua Gomez is Chuck's best friend Morgan, as he is awful in the first few seasons but after he finds out Chuck is a spy he becomes alright, until the last season when he's insufferable again. Sarah Lancaster plays Ellie, Chuck's sister, and she doesn't do anything of much note either. Early on she plays the role of someone Chuck tries to protect, but in Season 4 she ends up being a research specialist who knows everything about top secret government projects. Cool

Ryan McPartlin plays Ellie's boyfriend/fianceé/husband, and he's fairly great. Portrayed early on as nothing but a good looking jock, when he's actually given development in Season 3 it really fleshes him out and he becomes a solid supporting actor. Vik Sahay and Scott Krinsky are Jeff and Lester, who work with Chuck, and are used mostly as comic relief that is very hit and miss, and Mark Christoher Scott as Big Mike, Chuck's boss and mostly comic relief. Later on he's used primarily to shill for Subway, the show's sponser, which starts off as funny but ends up being eye rollingly bad

Jesus, that was a lot of words to type about the characters, especially since most of them don't really do anything or have much impact on the story or even develop in any logical way

Season 1 starts with Chuck clearly out of his depth but he tries his best. Sarah and Casey take him out on missions, he doesn't do too well, he talks to his best friend or sister (sometimes both!) who motivate him to do better inadvertedly and then the mission goes well. That is basically season 1. People defend it by saying it got gutted due to the writer's strike (remember that?) but that's barely an excuse when the show wasn't really going anywhere with what they had

Chuck falls for Sarah really quickly, which makes sense, and she likes him but not really in that way. Oh yeah, did I mention she was in love with the rogue agent who sent Chuck the e-mail to start all this? Because nothing says melodrama like needless complications! Nothing of note really happens in Season 1, but it was a decent enough show

Season 2 starts, and Chuck gets back together with his ex because Sarah isn't interested in him. Oh yeah, Chuck's ex broke up with him years before to get with the rogue agent who sent Chuck the e-mail to start all this. The rogue agent? He was in one episode at the end of Season 1 where he does nothing, he's in one episode early season 2 and does nothing, and then is in the last episode of Season 2 where he dies. They build all these inroads for them and never really follow through with any of them. Cool. That's cool

One common complaint about The X-Files is that the "Monster of the Week" stories are usually better episodes than the ones that carry on the story arc for the season. Chuck is pretty much exactly the same. The common theme of the first two seasons is trying to get the secrets out of Chuck's brain, but nearly every episode where that theme is front and center are boring. Without the secrets the show wouldn't exist, so why focus so much time on trying to invalidate the show when the audience already knows it isn't going to happen?

To be fair to Season 2, Chuck and Sarah get most of their development here and it is mostly good. Sarah slowly opening up to him is done well, and Chuck's growing confidence in himself is also done nicely. It finally does start a will-they-won't-they scenario which lasts for the second half of Season 2, but the second half of Season 2 is easily the highlight of the show. The comic relief is pasable at worst, the ball gets rolling in the story, most of the build up from the first two seasons comes to a head and it is 9 or 10 episodes of very enjoyable television. Sarah seems to be ready to tell Chuck how she feels, Chuck finally gets rid of the secrets in his brain and things look good

Then in the lat few minutes of Season 2 the rogue agent gets killed and Chuck gets a new version of the government secrets which basically makes him become Goku. Surrounded by bad guys? He knows kung fu now. Talking to an ambassador from China? He can speak Chinese now. It may open up a lot of possibilities, but it also starts the downfall of the series, which I'll go into later

Another problem that came about now was that Chuck got cancelled. It took a huge fight from the fans to bring it back for a third season, and despite the fact it never was a ratings hit, it might have been the strength of the back end of Season 2 which ended up saving it

Season 3 starts, and the reset button has been pressed. Chuck and Sarah, who looked like they were going to get together, end up having a falling out in between Seasons that we see through flashbacks. So now he has to win her back all over again! Hope you weren't sick of the needless melodrama from Season 2 since we get it all over again now! Also, the new Goku Powers he has are controlled by his emotions, so if he's feeling stressed out over, say, being in love with Sarah but won't do anything about it, then he can no longer Goku it up. Season 3 made melodrama a fucking plot point

Brandon Routh, aka FUCKING SUPERMAN, came in for the Season, and he's a pretty solid actor overall and he did the job well. Until he gets sucked into the melodrama too! Ends up the people after Chuck had his wife as a sleeper agent, but she got killed so he swears revenge. A few episodes after we find that out, Brandon Routh starts dating Sarah and Chuck starts dating some woman who I can't remember but she was on Smallville or something

Now, the Christmas break started around this point. After spending the first two seasons building up the will-they-won't-they far past the breaking point, they then pull a won't-they. The episode ends with the two of them talking to each other about how happy they are in their relationships, and then for 2 months no new episodes were shown

The fans went ballistic

After spending so much effort into saving the show, the very same fans were furious the two lead characters didn't get together. It reached a point where the series creator had to come out publically to tell them to calm down, the season wasn't done yet and they should get some fucking patience. When the fans of the show start to have a say in the direction of the show is around the time you should stop the show, because it will all go downhill from there

After the Christmas break, the very first episode (or maybe the second, I don't remember) shows Sarah killing Superman's wife on her very first mission and Superman finds out. Also in the same episode Chuck dumps his new girlfriend and starts pining for Sarah again. Amazingly, the fans were placated by this, because they are fucking stupid

So yes, Superman ends up a bad guy and Chuck saves Sarah and they get together about halfway through Season 3. At the end of Season 3 Superman kills Chuck's dad but then Chuck beats him again and arrests him. The season ends with a recording of Chuck's dad telling him to look for his Mother

A cliffhanger ending which, the creator said, was to try and convince NBC to give it another season. It ends up NBC's lineup was doing terrible, so Chuck got Season 4 without much fanfare. The fans were happy, after years of shipping the two of them they were finally together. Who cares if there really isn't anywhere to go after this? They were together!

So, Season 4. This is where the show starts to tread water. Sarah isn't used to a normal relationship, and Chuck tries to help her with that. Casey, who becomes less relevant with each passing season, gets a daughter he didn't know existed to try and round out his character. And by round out his character I actually mean "Haha he was a badass for the first few seasons, now he has to adjust to having a daughter! What wacky situations can come from this!?"

Midway through Season 3, Chuck's best friend Morgan finds out he's a spy so now he was part of the team too, and most of Season 4 has Caey with his daughter and also tyring to train Morgan like he did with Chuck. HIJINX ENSUES! Morgan also starts dating Caey's daughter because, and this is a serious thing the show has, MELODRAMA

Timothy Dalton, a good Bond in bad Bond movies, is the bad guy for Season 4 and, as you'd expect, he does a good job, aside from his terrible Russian accent. Linda Hamilton plays Chuck's mother, who is a sleeper agent inside James Bond's group but James Bond is in love with her and...hey, this sounds familiar? It also ends up James Bond has a daughter and Jesus I'm feeling deja vu all of a sudden what the hell?

Midway through Season 4 Chuck loses the government secrets again, but at the end of the Season Morgan gets them. Season 5 gets given to them, and the creators said this is the last one, two seasons too late. Morgan has the secrets for about 3 episodes when he loses them, which is a great use of your comic relief character. Superman comes back for an episode, then gets arrested again. Then a fat dude is the end of season bad guy. Sarah gets the secrets put into her brain, she loses them two episodes later as well as all her memories (fucking seriously) then she kills the fat guy and then Chuck gets the secrets again. The entire series then ends

Despite the fact this is far too fucking long as it is, I want to show each of the main character's progression through the show

Chuck - Start as a nerdy loser. Gets all the secrets, spends nearly 3 years gaining confidence and chasing Sarah, wins her, watches his dad die, finds his long lost mother, gets married and then has an OPEN ENDING!
Sarah - Start as hardass spy pretending to be Chuck's girlfriend to stay close to him. Begins to like him, spends 3 years saying no to him, says yes to him, gets married, gets the secrets, loses the secrets and all her memories, OPEN ENDING
Casey - Hardass spy, does nothing for 3 seaons, gets a daughter, is relegated to comic relief but occasionly does something cool to keep him as a threat
Morgan - Starts as bigger nerdy loser, comic relief for 4 seasons, gets the secrets, loses them

Those are your 4 main characters. After 5 years, development is only in 2 of them. Fuck, Cyril got more development in the latest episode of Archer than Morgan did in 5 fucking years

So, problems with the show. I've already mentioned the melodrama, which you could drown in easily. There's far too much of it and a lot of it isn't neccesary at all. I really don't need to say how bad "I lost all my memories" is a a fucking plot point but apparently I do because it's still being used! Fuck!

But the major problem is there is no sense of urgency in the show at all. You always know they will save the day. The only time they don't is when Superman kills Chuck's dad, and even that doesn't really accomplish anything. It doesn't matter how many guys with guns there are, they will always win. This becomes especially apparent from Season 3, where Chuck becomes Goku on a whim. What possible threat can stand up to that?

The secrets themselves are a MacGuffin that gets changed constantly. In the first two seasons its a tool of infomation you can pull up anytime. From the third season it lets him become Goku as well. Alright then. Then it starts not working if his emotions aren't in line. Melodrama as a plot point. Alright, fine Then the secrets start to affect his brain, giving him migraines and causing him to collapse. Fine, whatever. Then he loses the secrets, and Morgan gets them. Then it starts making him forget things. Then he loses them, Sarah gets them, then she loses all of her memories. Then she loses the secrets, Chuck gets them again. Then the show ends

So, what? Will Chuck lose his memories too? They make a big deal over the last two episodes that Sarah doesn't remember Chuck at all, but at the end Chuck recaps the entire show to her (in a musical montage, thank fuck) and then they kiss. Does she regain her memories? Time and time again it is reiterated that she feels nothing for him, but she remembers bits and pieces. What does any of it mean? A vague ending is fine, but this seems more like the writers had no clue what they were doing and just made it vague to avoid having to explain anything. When everyone else gets a happy ending why would you make the main characters ending vague?

For the last two years, I watched Chuck almost out of routine. The back end of Season 2 was really good, and I wanted the show to be that good again. The kicker is, its been years since I watched the back end of Season 2. If I rewatch it now, will I end up hating it? Maybe the show never was that good, and it was a younger and different me that liked it? Maybe the characters in the show didn't change because it was me all along who changed! That's fucking deep man

Desperate Scousewives Episode 1 - Blogging In The Center Of The Universe

It is a fairly sad realisation when you say Geordie Shore was the best reality TV show. But in my case, it's true. Made in Chelsea was a half real half fake completely boring monstrosity - the characters played themselves but everything was scripted so they weren't actually themselves. The Only Way In Essex was just confusing - everything on the show was scripted, but everything outside the show they did was real. You'd have newspapers reporting break ups and people fighting and it would be real, then they would solve their issues on TV and it would be completely scripted

At least Geordie Shore was real. It was eight people in a house together for a few weeks, and they all seemed to fucking hate each other. There is nothing realer than that. Now we have a new contender to the reality TV throne - Desperate Scousewives. Besides having probably the best name, what seperates it from the other shows? Lets find out

"Liverpool. The pool of life. Center of the universe, no contest" says the voiceover. "Why live anywhere else when you have it all here? The amazing buildings, the brilliant shops, the coolest nightlife and music. We invented that, you know? We all have scouser written all the waythrough us - we're loud and we're proud. It must be something they put in the water. The Mersey, that is!"

Alright, lets take a break here. First up, Liverpool is not the center of the universe. There is no scientific proof in existence big enough for me to accept that. Next, every city in the fucking world has amazing buildings and brilliant shops and the coolest nightlife. Anyone from any city will say that about their own city. Also Liverpool did not invent music. I cannot stress this enough. Yes, you have the Beatles. Yes, they are a good band. No, you did not invent music. Also if you are drinking water from the river Mersey then you have more serious problems then "lying about your hometown"

The voiceover continues "Home to the most gorgeous girls, like ice queen Amanda. She's always in the papers looking glam" What papers? Why do I have no idea who she is? What does she do other than be an ice queen, which isn't enough of a celeb factor to be in the paper? "Or Chloe, a nurse with a big heart, big hair and even bigger dreams" I have a horrible feeling the next few minutes of the show are going to be an introduction to the characters and there's going to be fucking loads of them

Next we have Elissa since I'm sick of transcribing the fucking narrator. She is a "dead smart writer" and has a broken heart but kind of looks like an older more orange Minka Kelly, so she is my favourite. Next we have the "barbie doll sisters" Gill and Debbie, who are introduced as looking for a fella. We also meet their "bezzie mates" Chris and Mark. Does each girl have one of them as their best mate? They are apparently married, so at least we got something good from the show. If they can at least portray the married gay couple as something resembling "normal" or, failing that, "happy" then that could be a step forward for gay rights

This is Layla. The narrator says nothing about her other than her name. Cool, things like personality aren't important anyways for a FUCKING TV SHOW. Now the women and gays are out the way (seriously, I'm not even kidding. The narrator says "What are the women without the fellas?" Gay people count as women now. Remember what I said about moving gay rights forward? What a fucking idiot I am) we meet Danny. And Joe. And George. And Jaiden, who unlike the other guys gets a description from the narrator. Sadly for everyone who is alive right now, his description is "Blogger" I am fucking serious. There is going to be drama in this show about something a blogger said. Fuck my fucking life

Lastly we get the narrator herself, who is called Jodie. She is back, apparently. Back from where? Not said. Probably some other part of the universe that isn't the center. She stands outside a train station and shouts "LIVERPOOL, I'M BACK!" a man off camera shouts back "Give is a kiss then!" and Jodie tells him to "shut up" I think this is an attempt at humour guys. If this is an example of witty banter that is going to be on display here then I am definitely not going to enjoy this

"This is Liverpool, and these are very real stories" Jodie goes on to say. YOU ARE FUCKING HALF RIGHT! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT ANYTHING ON THIS SHOW OUTSIDE OF THE FACT IT'S IN LIVERPOOL. I AM LESS THAN TWO MINUTES INTO THIS AND I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS ENTIRE FUCKING THING IS SCRIPTED! DO NOT FUCKING LIE TO ME TELEVISION, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF YOUR SHIT

"It's the date we've all been waiting for, it's the Style Awards" says the voice over "The biggest event on the scouse calendars" Maybe Liverpool is the center of the universe if they have their own seperate calendars? We cut away to Jodie complaining about people in London "They'd look at me like 'What are you wearing!?' Lady Gaga in London! I get to Liverpool and nobody bats an eyelid!" First up lady, you just compared yourself to Lady Gaga. At this point, not even Lady Gaga can do that. Second of all, explicitly pointing out the North/South divide is not a good move for a show that revolves around stupid people living a life of no consequences. This continues when she says scouse guys are better than the guys in London in every single way

"I'm back from London now, I'm ready to take over, I'm going to smash it and I've got a really good feeling!" she then says. JESUS! In around 3 sentences we've been transported to a fucking mafia movie. I hope it ends like Scarface. We cut away to a dude in the shower. Hope you people like butts! We then go to Layla who sends a text saying she slept at Joe's again and that the person she is sending a text to needs to cover for her. What is more interesting, however, is the fact it looks like she slept in the kitchen. The center of the universe is fucking weird. Joe walks in (it was him in the shower?) and says "You still here?" in the most nonchalant way imaginable. You go, little scouse Barney Stinson! They argue for a bit and it's fucking boring. Layla has a weird accent, it occasionly sounds scouse but most of the time it doesn't

Let's mention the accent. In Geordie Shore the accents didn't bother me, mostly because I've lived around it my whole life. The scouse accent also does not bother me in the least. I know people who find it annoying, but it doesn't phase me in the least. I can imagine it getting a bit overwhelming in this situation, but Layla's is just fucking terrible. For reference, Made in Chelsea's accent was RP English, which once you get past how much of a twat people sound like that when talking normally isn't too bad, and The Only Way Is Essex is the essex accent, and if terrorists blew up Essex and everyone who spoke with that accent they would become heroes

Next we get Amanda and Chloe walking through Liverpool with rollers in their hair. Whatever. I don't like Amanda being a "local celeb" when they could at least say why she is a local celeb. "Celeb's mate" is also not a description of anything, especially when you have the infinitely more respectable "nurse" right in front of it. But I guess if you aren't teaching kids that being things like nurses is just a stop gap until you become famous then you aren't being responsible

Some people come up to Amanda and ask for their picture taken with her. WHY!? WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO DESERVE THIS!? ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT THESE CHARACTERS FUCKING DO! I get that making Amanda seem like a big deal is important, but you show her being a big deal but not why she is a big deal! As they walk away both Chloe and Amanda say "That was funny" except they are a second off so it seems more like one of them forgot their lines rather than it seemingly realistic and spontaneous. Chloe and Amanda talk about the Style Awards, except they spend most of their time corpsing rather than actually saying their lines. Here, Amanda was saying she didn't win an award for "Most Stylish Woman" and it's not really something she should be laughing about. This is what happens when you get untrained actors who just want to be on TV to be a main character in your fake reality show. This is also what happens when you get a grumpy shithead like me to watch it

Amanda then goes on about how great it is to get things for free because she's famous. Fuck her. We then go to Gill and Debbie, who sleep together. Can we stay with these two for a while? "I'd rather share a bed with you then any man" one of them says. BOM CHIKA WAH WAH "We're both single and ready to mingle!" the other one says. The bass from Seinfeld is going crazy in my mind as I'm watching this. We then get Layla leaving Joe's place and she is talking about how she can't believe she is back to this position again and the camera pulls away and she is talking to herself. What!? SHE IS TALKING TO THE CAMERA NOW AND THE CAMERA PULLS AWAY AND SHE IS STANDING AT THE SIDE OF A ROAD AND IT CUTS BETWEEN HER TALKING TO THE CAMERA AND THIS AND WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

We cut away to Elissa, who looks a lot less like Minka Kelly so I no longer give a shit about her. Her first words are "So how is your blog going?" and I jump straight to fucking despising her. Jaiden is here too and his response is "Yeah it's going good" It's a fucking sad day in my shitty existence when "blogger" is a fucking job title, you tremendous twat. "I'm Britain's most brutal blogger" he says and you know what? Fuck this scene. I've had issues with bloggers on these shows in the past and I refuse to pay attention to scenes with them in. Bloggers are the fucking worst people alive and if Hitler had went after them rather than the Jews then Germany would be the center of the universe rather than Liverpool. "I'm not too mean, I'm just opinionated and if they don't like it then they can just get over it" he then says. I will pay someone money if they murder Jaiden

They drive past Joe's place that Layla is still standing outside talking to herself, and they bring up the fact Elissa is Joe's ex. Is this drama I see on the horizon of the blogosphere!? Joe and Adam are playing football, Danny then enters stage left, and they argue because he was late. "What is more important, birds or football?" one of them says, then some women run onto the pitch with a football and they ogle them for a while. Thats it. Thats the entire fucking scene. We go to a beauty salon next, where Jodie has a job interview with the gay married couple. The first thing Jodie says at her job interview is "I know this is all about me but..." and my mind screams out of reflex. She then tries to organise her time off at a job interview. She will probably get the job because none of this is real!

Amanda and Chloe are now at the location of the Style Awards with Louise, a character just introduced now. Why do all of these shows have such a large cast of characters who all look fucking identical? Chloe has fake tan all over one of her hands, so she pours bleach on them to clean them. We then go to Elissa and Jaiden, at a coffee shop, talking about his blog. Fuck you! Not even him slagging off Amanda for thinking she's a celeb when nobody outside of Liverpool knows who she is can save this scene. A fucking blog is not a tool for plot progression!

Joe Adam and Danny are talking about Layla, because that is fucking boring and that is clearly the most important thing. Layla then walks in with Danny's ex called Sam, so Joe and Danny hide while Adam talks to them as a distraction so they can slip away. These people are adults. Back at the job interview, Jodie talks about "the scouser eyebrow" which I pray is not a euphamism. Back at Joe Adam and Danny, the two sisters appear whose names I've already forgot come in. The guys invite them to go with them and they say yes. You can tell these shows are scripted because everyone knows each other somehow. Back at the job interview we see the "Scouse Eyebrow" and I wish it was a euphamism. She gets the job anyways because fuck!

Jodie then talks to the camera, probably in an effort to show that this is real. Geordie Shore used the one person talking to the camera trick because they were completely honest to the camera. If something stupid was going on, they would act one way but be completely different to the solo camera. Here, they just talk to the camera to reinforce what has just happened. Like here, Jodie says she got the job and she is really happy. We know lady! We just fucking saw that! You don't need to tell us about something we just saw!

Chloe looks at Amanda's calendar. Yes, she has a calendar. I fucking knew the center of the universe has a different calendar! Chloe asks how many pages a calendar has and Amanda laughs. Hahaha, the nurse is an idiot! She is so much stupider than the model! Take that, nurses! Amanda goes onabout how she worked for years for no money just to make it as a model, and we then get the bombshell that Amanda has a kid. WHY HAVEN'T WE SEEN HER WITH HER BABY!? WHY IS SHE WORKING FOR FREE FOR YEARS WHEN SHE HAS A CHILD TO SUPPORT!? ARE WE MEANT TO SYMPATHIZE WITH HER!? AAAAAAAAAAAAA

"They see me glammed up going to parties but they don't see the other side of me. Going for school runs, making her tea, helping with her homework" THAT'S BECAUSE THE SHOW DOESN'T SHOW THIS! IF IT DID THEN THAT WOULD DO FUCKING WONDERS FOR YOUR CHARACTER! PEOPLE WOULD ROOT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING IT ALL FOR YOUR KID! INSTEAD WE JUST SEE YOU GO TO PARTIES AND GOING SHOPPING AND TALKING ABOUT YOUR KID! THIS IS SOME FUCKING GREAT GATSBY SHIT HERE!

Jaiden goes to pick up Elissa for the Style Awards "I just read on twitter that Amanda is presenting an award" he says. If someone finds his twitter account I will troll him and his shitty fucking blog, if it even exists. This I promise you. "I can't wait for the blogging and the bitching! I'm doing a liveblog from there!" he exclaims. Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid fucking name and his stupid fucking blog and everything he fucking does

Chloe and Amanda are already at the location, but Amanda has to leave and then re-enter with the cameras there. Chloe is confused by this. I'm with the nurse. George appears now for the first time, and I have no idea who he is. That's all he gets, as we are now treated to Amanda sneaking out the back to a car which then pulls around the corner to enter. We then get Layla and Sam bitching about their exs. A scene so good when we saw it ten minutes ago we get it again. We then cut to one of the gay guys telling his pet dog that she worked really hard at the salon today. To clear this up, the human is telling the dog it worked hard at the salon. His husband comes in and they talk about Jodie, how she has no volume control and is kinda annoying

Layla and Sam, after spending the entire episode complaining about how annoying their exes are, then switch the names on the tables at the Style awards so they sit next to their exes for the night. WHY!? The event starts, Coleen Rooney wins Amanda's award but she can't be here tonight. I can't blame her. We then find out George's family owns the Hilton hotel in Liverpool. Say wha? Layla and Joe talk about their deal and her accent gets worse. What is it with these scripted shows and pointless drama between completely unlikable characters? Then like three scenes go by and nothing interesting happens

Chloe and Amanda are now talking and Chloe asks if she's been on twitter. TWITTER AS PLOT PROGRESSION! FUCK! Apparently Jaiden is being mean about Amanda on twitter. "I'm not bothered, but if I see him I'm going to sort it out" she says, the exact opposite of not being bothered. Joe talks to Elissa about being friends, Elissa shuts him down and starts crying. Mixed signals much? This is so fucking boring, it's been going on for minutes now and it ends with Elissa hitting him and storming off. Amanda confronts Jaiden and he says she looks like a furry. JESUS! The two of them argue about fucking twitter and it's absolutely pathetic. She throws a drink off him and storms off. The show them mercifully ends. That was fucking terrible

The Only Way Is Essex Season 3 Episode 1 - This blog is 100% reem, I think?

I'll be honest here - Made in Chelsea was a bust. Aside from the first episode, where what I expected and what actually took place were two incredibly different things, it was a boring slog through people talking about things we've already seen, forever. The main rule of things like TV is "Show, not tell" and by God did that show fucking love to tell

So, while I'm looking for something else to watch, here is The Only Way is Essex. This is Season 3 eisode 1, which premiered yesterday or the day before. The point I'm making is that it premiered recently. Note I've never watched The Only Way Is Essex before in my life, I know absolutely nothing about anyone in this show or even what it is even about. I'm going in here completely blind, as well as two seasons behind. SO LET'S FUCKING DO THIS

Right, opening credits. Here is Joey. Here is Jessica, with a nuclear bomb being detonated just off camera. This is Mark. And Lauren. This is Harry, even though his name disappeared like super fast and he looks like the kid from Eastenders who was a Mitchell and then left Eastenders and then married her from Hear'Say who then went onto Coronation Street. Next we have...Arg? His name is fucking Arg!? I also want to point out that the song The Only Way Is Up is playing throughout the opening credits, which I get the feeling may be better placed at the ending credits

Next we have Lydia, and there's something about her face which doesn't seem right. We have Kirk, who seems to be channeling The Demon Headmaster. Who remembers that show? It was scary as shit! Next we have Sam. That's it. 9 characters, all of them introduced within the first 30 seconds. If they don't put names to faces during the show I will forget all of their names and will flail around like a baby when describing anything they do

We start with a montage that goes on for a minute and a half of each of the characters. They are walking around, some of them are sitting down together, one is driving a car and one is staring at his phone wistfully. Why? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! The show doesn't do a recap of anything thats happened before, so not only do I not know the characters I have no idea what their motivations and story arc are

Lydia is with some dude in an empty shop that apparently she owns. "This is gonna be the cake cawna" she says in her awful accent "'Ere there'll be bewthday cakes, 'ere there'll be cupcakes, 'ere they'll be cookies, the lot" The other guy is introduced as Arg, whio has a first name of James. WHAT!? Why not call him fucking James! Lydia calls him James or Jay like five fucking times in this fucking scene so what is the fucking point of having the nickname Arg!? Fuck you!

Suddenly, a witch appears! FUCK AAAAAAAAAAA SOMEONE THROW SOME WATER ON HER JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Oh wait it's just Lydia's mother, although I still refuse to let go of the witch theory. She congratulates Fucking Arg, since that is his name from now on, that he's lost a lot of weight. "You look like Dustin Hoffman" the witch says. Isn't he like fucking 70?

Here is Mick. WHO THE FUCK IS MICK!? He talks to Kirk about cars. "A lambo is a man's car, innit" Mick says. Kirk has just bought a Porsche, you see. "That's a hairdresser's car, mate" Mick says about it. Is that...homophobia? Way to be progressive, Essex. Mick then critisizes Kirk for the Porsche, as Kirk works in property and a Porsche gives off the wrong impression to people. See, I'm learning things already! I think Mick is Kirk's dad, because Kirk keeps asking him if he's proud of him. I think Essex is the only place in the world where a father calls his son "mate" in an affectionate manner

Elsewhere, Joey is cutting his jeans up to make jorts. FUCKING SERIOUSLY! Chloe watches, and she looks like a rat, a duck and a human fell into one of those teleporting machines from The Fly. Chloe says he is cutting up vintage jeans to make jean shorts, he says he doesn't care. "Joey, what does vintage mean?" she asks "Like, it's new but made to look old, innit?" he replies. We go back to Kirk and Mick, who talk about Kirk breaking up with Lauren. WHO FUCKING CARES. Chloe is talking to Joey's sister and then he walks in looking like this. FUCK OFF. The two girls call him out on looking like a twat, he says they don't know what they are talking about. "Cheers united!" he says sarcastically and then minces off

Lauren P and Lauren G are talking. WHY ARE THERE TWO LAURENS ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!? Right, new name time - we have Lauren P, who apparently used to go out with Kirk, I think, and Warren G, Dr Dre's brother who had one mediocre album in the 90's which I fucking loved at the time. Warren G also broke up with someone called Mark and they were engaged? Lauren asks Warren G what she is going to do with the ring "I dunno, sell it?" Fuck!

We go back to Mark and he's upset, not only about Warren G breaking up with him but something else. Fucking Arg is there to console him, although fuck him. Mark has a go at Fucking Arg for choosing Lydia over him in his time of need. Next up we have Georgio cleaning a house in his underwear because his mother is coming over while Dino, also in his underwear, hands him a protein shake. Nothing in that sentence was a lie. Joey and Kirk talk about Kirk's new car, which Joey says is "Reem". I have no fucking clue what that word means but he said it about the jorts from earlier too so I assume it's bad. Kirk then convinces him that a cars horsepower comes from tiny horses living inside the car that make it go fast. I wish I was lying

Mark tells Fucking Arg he is going to be celibate for 40 days. I think he said 40, it might be 14 but the accent makes it incomprehensible. Fucking Arg then tells Nanny Pat. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU NANNY PAT!? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW!? THERE WERE ONLY 9 IN THE OPENING CREDITS FOR FUCKS SAKE! Harry and someone else tell Gemma, who I have no fucking clue who she is, she looks amazing. Apparently Gemma was stalking Mick. Wait, what? Harry says Gemma reminds him of Jlo. Should I tell her or do you want to? Jess is having a party since its her birthday, and she invited Lauren despite LAuren saying Jess and Mark are incestous. They are apparently brother and sister? Wait, why would they still be friends after she said that? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW!?

We then get a needless scene of a dude in the shower, and he walks out to some girl who doesn't even get fucking named and they get invited to Jess' birthday party. Shower Dude doesn't want to go because of what happened last time with Mark. Did Mark cheat on Lauren with this nameless girl and thats why the engagement is off? I DON'T KNOW! The only mystery bigger than everything that happens in this show is the fact it's apparently popular. Shower Guy then takes his towel off and nameless girl laughs

Next we go to the party, where Jess' mother and Nanny Pat bring out a cake of a pair of tits with the candles on the nipples. I'm serious. I do not understand anything that happens on this show. The show then spends the next few minutes jumping and freezing for no real reason so I miss like the next two scenes since I can understand even less then usual. What I do see is this guy in the middle of the dance floor. Why is there a dude with a saxophone in the middle of the dance floor while there is a DJ at the party? I do not know, but I hope the guy goes on to become this guy

Lauren P and Warren G talk about Mark. I think they've switched characters now, since the other one was engaged to Mark before. Kirk and Joey talk women "Girls are proper mind games!" Joey says "They just want to mess wif ya mind!" They then talk about short names, like William shortened is Bill and Richard shortened is Dick. Joey completely fails to understand any of this

Mark turns up and he goes to talk to Lauren or Warren G. I have no idea which is which at this point. Mark lays it all on the line about how they gave everything to each other and it didn't work, and they are trying to be friends. People are talking to each other but I really don't know who they are or why they have problems but everyone seems to have problems with each other. Things get brought up that seem to have happened before but it falls apart to arguing and it's fucking shit. This show is fucking shit. I am fucking done. Fuck everything

Made in Chelsea Episode 4 - The One Where Nothing Interesting Happens For Me To Make A Joke In The Title

Once I finish this episode I'll be halfway through the series. So if in about 2 weeks time I'll be finished with this and never have to watch it again. Wait no, season 2 has been announced for a few months time. Will I watch it? PROBABLY NOT

Title Card and then on we go. We start with Spencer and Hugo playing Tennis and they talk about the charity auction, then Francis' assistant and they decide to have a game of poker with Francis and Frederik to find out more about her. It's nice that the show gives us two characters at the start of every episode talking about the main premise of the episode in case the people watching are too stupid to know what is actually happening on the screen. It would be better if done with some subtlety instead of the characters saying "This is literally going to happen" though

Rosie and Millie talk about Hugo, and Millie wants to be sure Rosie is ok with her going on a date with Hugo. It's great that the show decides that Amber is a fucking awful character and so gets Millie to tag along with other people now. Caggie is there too, and apparently she invited Thunder out to lower the awkwardness between them. Thunder admits she dresses up as Wonder Woman for Spencer and I see through this obvious ruse to get the nerd crowd into it. We're nerds, reality TV show, we are easily pleased by everything except obvious pandering!

Francis and Frederik are playing polo. FUCK! They went rowing, now polo. If in the next episode they eat caviar out of the carcass of a swan they just shot then they may as well wear a badge that says "UPPER CLASS" They talk about Francis' assistant, and for some reason Francis has a lot of pictures of his intern on his phone. Spencer calls him then, they agree to play poker and the camera sticks on Spencer and Hugo talking about Caggie. Everyone talks to everyone else except the people who they have problems with so nothing ever gets resolved. Then Thunder invites the girls to a model party

Ollie then whines to Binky about his relationship ending with Gabriella and how he has to find his happiness again. He then admits that he broke up with Gabriella because he is bi. "I know" is Binky's response. I fucking knew that from the first second I saw him. Literally everyone in the fucking world could take one look at him and know that. If Binky, who thought Charles Dickens wrote Winnie the Pooh, can tell you are bi then there is nobody dense enough to not know this. This is not a shock to anyone

Francis is getting a suit fitted, because he's rich you see, and he's talking to his intern, Agne. Why is his intern just sitting there watching a man size him for a suit instead of working? I don't know. I don't think she actually does anything but get him points for hiring an immigrant. Then this FUCKING FUCKHEAD from the first episode comes in and talks to Francis. "I shop in London and Milan and sometimes Paris" he says in his drony voice and I want to kick him in the teeth. Everything about him makes me want to punch him. The three of them talk, and eventually the prick leaves. "Is he some kind of Prince?" asks Agne and FUCK NO THIS SCENE IS OVER

Rosie and Hugo are having tea and Rosie has a video of Thunder doing a Charlie's Angels type video which we watch. It is weird. "That is fucking comic!" Hugo exclaims in a really extravagant way, like he is the first person to ever find something funny. They talk about Spencer being jealous and possesive, or "protective" as Hugo spins it. They then talk about the auction, and Hugo says he wishes Rosie won instead and how he doesn't want to go on a date with Millie. Way to be subtle, shithead

Next we go to Thunder's rehearsal studio and I FUCKING CALLED IT ABOUT HER BEING A WRESTLER! We are also introduced to this guy - now I paused the recording to get the picture but I'm guessing he is gay. Just putting it out there now. Spencer comes in and starts watching these scantily clad women dance. In an unrelated note, I think Spencer is gay as well. He and Thunder talk about her job (as a dancer, not a wrestler) and Spencer starts being obsessive about it. I think Thunder was meant to be a prostitute for this to work, but it was deemed too risque so she is a background dancer instead. It doesn't really work too well, and the whole scene is there to make Spencer seem insecure. What the fuck ever, asshole

Hugo and Millie go on their date to a sushi making class. I fucking swear she drops some down her top and asks Hugo to fish it out for her. SUBTLETY MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!? We then go back to Spencer and Thunder arguing about her job again. They are going to break up, aren't they? They spend all this time building up the triangle with Caggie and now it's over they are going to break up. WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT!? Binky goes to see Gabriella, who is playing the piano and singing how you have to fight for love. The first step to getting over being dumped by a gay guy, I guess. Gabriella starts crying. That's it. Back at the date, it's really fucking boring because Millie can't act

Next we have the poker game being played by the four most boring people alive. Agne the intern is the dealer, and I have no idea why. She is the fucking intern for fucks sake! Caggie meets Millie to talk about the date with Hugo, and they talk about how good they think he is in bed. We then get various scenes of Caggie and Millie being boring, the boring poker game and Ollie and Binky at a spa talking about Ollie liking cock, and Cheska with Gabriella also talking about Ollie not liking cock. Ollie then calls Gabriella and agrees to meet up and talk things out. All of the events I mentioned in this paragraph took up about ten minutes of the show and absolutely nothing worth mentioning happened

Thunder, Spencer, Hugo, Rosie and Thunder's gay friend are out having breakfast. Or dinner. It's light out, so it's clearly the next day, but they are drinking wine. Drinking wine early in the morning seems less of a rich thing to do and more a brazen alcoholic deal. Regardless of the time this event takes place, it's really fucking dull. Hugo eventually gets a text message but he doesn't say who it's from. QUICK GUYS! IT'S BEEN AN EPISODE WITHOUT A BORING LOVE TRIANGLE! BETTER SORT THIS SHIT OUT

That night everyone is at an art exhibition for some reason. A cheap attempt to show how rich and classy they are, I guess. Meanwhile, Gabriella is doing a sound check at some place for some reason. It's never really explained what she does. Ollie turns up. Back at the art exhibition BECAUSE WATCHING A GIRLS' HEART BE BROKEN BECAUSE THE PERSON SHE IS IN LOVE WITH IS GAY AND IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT WOULD BE TERRIBLE TO WATCH, Francis talks to this woman. Apparently she is the artist whose exhibition this is. She says he has "geek chic" which, just so you know, doesn't exist. We go back to Ollie and Gabriella, and he spills the beans in a really long winded way. I think she gets it though

Spencer tells Rosie about the text Hugo got, more disregard of the bro code. Spencer tries to talk Rosie to get with Hugo together while elsewhere Hugo is making moves on Millie. The show then ends with Hugo and Millie kissing. On the preview for the next episode we have Hugo in a love triangle and I think Spencer breaksup with Thunder. Love triangles and break ups - man, being rich clearly sucks

Made In Chelsea Episode 3 - The One With The Dog Therapist

It's Monday, I just watched last nights Curb Your Enthusiasm and Breaking Bad, and I just ate a teacake. Let's do this

We start with a round up of the last episode, which isn't interesting in any way. Here is the title card, because Spencer is a twat. We start with CJ, who we met in the last minutes of the last episode, cleaning a gun. I hope he's the character who goes on a rampage and kills everyone. Caggie comes along and they are going fox hunting or something

Meanwhile, Francis gets a massage while his foreign intern tells him his schedule. If he was really a high power business man trying to bang his intern it would be her giving him a massage. Francis says he wants to get a pet penguin and if Agne knows where to get one. I think this is an attempt at flirting with her, although I definitely know that I hate him. Back at the shooting range, Rosie and Hugo turn up, then Spencer and Thunder turn up too. Hugo and Spencer make up, so last episode's cliffhanger gets made irrelevant three and a half minutes into the next episode. Great

Caggie is looking at some fish when Millie starts talking to her. She is also here despite not apparently turning up at any time. Meanwhile, Ollie and Binky play air hockey. Yes, Ollie is playing air hockey indoors while wearing a scarf. They talk about Gabriella, and they agree relationships are a lesson in life. Huh? Ollie says the point of relationships is to make yourself as happy as possible, then gets doubts over the relationship. He does this in two sentences, because he's a fucking idiot

Spencer Hugo and Thunder meet with CJ and Caggie and they talk about who is the best shot. Thunder says Spencer is very competitive, Spencer says he isn't and Caggie bursts out laughing. Thunder then gives her an evil look, but seems to hold herself back from powerslamming her through the table. "He's been talking himself up for the past two days" Hugo says, seconds after Spencer said he got invited here at the last minute. Are they changing continuity between sentences now!?

Francis meets with two people who have their names spoken but not a subtitle so I have no idea who they are and don't care enough to go back and listen again. They want to do a charity event with Francis, and says his motto is "Gain as much as you can, earn as much as you can, give as much as you can" I think he should spend his acting time holding a globe while getting his portrait done because he is the fucking worst actor on this show, if Millie didn't exist. Oh wait, we do get their names, minutes after they come on screen. I thought the cast was a bit big after the first episode but they just keep adding more people to it

The girls talk Francis to hold an auction for blind people. I mean, the charity they are raising money for is for blind people. Blind people at an auction would just get ripped off pretty quickly. The two girls try to talk Francis into auctioning off classic shoes, because young people don't want to buy art or diamonds. That is because young people are fucking stupid. Agne is in this entire scene, the camera lingers on her while other people are talking, but she doesn't say a word. Thanks for showing up, love

Spencer and CJ talk about Caggie. Fuck the pair of them. Back with Francis, they are talking about gimmick dinners with celebrities in character. The girls say Francis could be Harry Potter, when I called that shit a long time ago. Stop reading my blog for script ideas! Agne finally gets a line,saying they should auction off men. Christ, if this show turns into an anti-patriachy soap then I wouldn't know what to believe. Agne then asks for a pay rise, although I'm not sure if she's asking Francis in character or the creators of this show out of character

While the guys are not shooting birds, Rosie tells Millie she is taking her dog to a dog therapist. WHAT!? FUCK YOU LADY! Millie complains about Frederik, although not because he smells of hemp, and says that Hugo is the ideal guy. How? How can anyone look at Hugo and think "Yeah, that guy is fucking ideal" Spencer and Hugo then talk about Caggie, because out of all the issues that could happen in the world when the show was being filmed the number one conversation topic of this show is fucking Caggie

Later, Francis is at a business dinner. With his intern. He is the worst boss in existence. He complains about the two charity girls being useless, then says that Agne is under him and should tell him about any ideas she has away from everyone else. Yes, the two of them do play on the term "under you" as if to imply sex, but the two of them seem so bored when they are doing it. "Business is the warfare of the modern age, and I'm a general" says Francis Mussolini

Back at the shooting place, CJ goes up and we watch a montage of him shooting and killing birds while everyone else is impressed. Spencer then just misses blowing his foot off, which makes this the worst hunting trip ever. "Business is a jungle, but I am an animal lover" says Francis. I bet he thinks he's King Fuck of Shit Mountain with all these little phrases he has. Agne asks him what kind of animal she is "A fox. You're quite strategic" is his response. "Do you think I'm foxy?" she asks "I think you are a good employee" is his response. At this point I feel like I could give him tips on how to talk to women, fucking hell

"Most people think of me as another Eastern European whore" Agne says, showing the darker side of her personality. "Well I don't think you're a whore" Francis says. This is going to become Pretty Woman except with worse acting, a terrible script and I'm actually watching it, isn't it? Back at the shooting range, Spencer is keeping up with CJ in shooting, and the show makes this out to be a tense situation to see who is better, except nobody fucking cares. Spencer wins, and starts gloating

At Ollie's apartment, Gabriella shows up and she talks with Ollie about something, except she speaks too quietly for me to hear so I imagine they talk about video games. Hugo then sits down with Millie and Rosie except HE ENDS UP LOOKING RIGHT AT THE CAMERA YOU FUCKING DOLT. He keeps doing it throughout the scene, lingering at the camera for a few moments at a time. Oh man this is all I'm going to see now, isn't it? The three of them talk about Amber, who Hugo finally has a date with. Spencer and Caggie then talk, and it's fucking boring. Thunder then comes along, and drags Caggie away for a talk. POWERBOMB HER!

They talk about Spencer and it's still fucking boring. Thunder tries to get to the bottom of the relationship between Caggie and Spencer, although I don't know why because it's really fucking dull. Thunder then confronts Spencer about using Caggie as a back up plan if their relationship doesn't work out. He says he's an honest person, despite lying for every episode so far

Next, Millie is doing make up at a photoshoot when Caggie turns up. I think some time is meant to have passed between this scene and the last one but the show fails to show this in any way. Great. They talk about Hugo's date with Amber, and Caggie says she thinks he might be interested in Rosie. Millie, the one who is interested in Hugo but is currently dating Frederik, is upset by this. Fuck this is boring. Elsewhere, Rosie takes her dog to the dog therapist and suddenly I long for everyone talking about Caggie or complicated love dodechehydrons

Hugo and Amber go on a date, and it goes. I don't really pay enough attention to tell you how it goes, but I am very aware it goes. FUCK THIS SCENE! YOUR DOG IS CALLED NOODLE MAYBE THATS WHY IT IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED! The therapist then says Rosie's dog is lonely because Rosie is lonely. Rosie being lonely is why she bought the dog in the first place, so it's an ouroborous of boredom. Millie keeps talking to Caggie about Hugo and Caggie calls her Camlilla McIntosh SO SHE IS THE SECRET CAMILLA MCINTOSH FROM THE FIRST EPISODE THEN WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL HER MILLIE IF HER NAME IS CAMILLA FUCK

At Hugo and Amber's date, Rosie turns up because apparently her dog therapist is also her driver? Amber then gets a call and apparently she works with Millie or Camilla or whatever her fucking name is. Rosie then talks to Hugo about the dog therapist and it was bad enough having to watch it happen, never mind having to hear about it second hand as well. Cheska and Gabriella are shopping and Gabriella complains that she thinks she is losing Ollie. I mean sure he has an air hockey table in his house but apart from that he is a massive twat

Caggie then meets Hugo, who seems to be moving through every woman on the show in this episode. They talk about Hugo's date with Amber, even though we already watched it. If you want to know my opinion of this scene then just check out the woman in he background. She is my animal spirit. Next we are at the auction which is on a boat, just in case you weren't aware yet of how decadant everyone in this show is

Caggie Millie and Rosie are talking about Hugo being auctioned tonight, and I start praying slave traders win. Spencer and Thunder turn up. Binky Cheska and Gabriella talk about Ollie not turning up yet. Francis thanks everyone for turning up and the other two women take over, bringing a third person out of fucking nowhere. Coming to our charity auctions and taking our microphones! David Cameron should sort them out! Cheska buys one of the guys on auction, and when Hugo turns up Millie and Rosie compete for him, with Millie or Camilla winning after spending £400 on him. Jesus lady, I hope you got a receipt

Ollie turns up wearing a Union Jack waistcoat for some unknown fucking reason, Millie calls Hugo a spatula instead of a bachelor and I pray for this to end, the show or my life. Ollie talks to Binky and decides to break up with Gabriella. Does he know nothing about charity!? The three girls talk to Francis "When we met you we thought OMG this isn't going to work" says one of them and I fucking hate whoever said this. Sadly they were introduced this episode and had their names on screen twice and will probably never be on again so I have no idea which one said it. Francis laughs at it though, the fucker. They pat each other on the back for the night, and one of them says "blates" instead of blatently and I want to die

Oh wait, now we have Spencer and Caggie talking about their feelings for each other! My desire for death is amplified! They argue and Caggie storms off. Ollie turns up, grabs Gabriella away and they break up. This is meant to be heartfelt, but Ollie doesn't explain why he wants to break up and Gabriella complains that she gave everything and he doesn't care so she ends up sympathetic here. Sadly she'll probably disappear from the show now too, since having sympathetic characters is not a good idea in this show. The episode ends then, and in the next episode preview we have Thunder wearing a dominatrix outfit. A gimmick change!? MY GAWD!

Made In Chelsea Episode 2 - Nobody Will Ever Be Happy Again

Is today Thursday already? Why did I agree to do this? At least Geordie Shore was entertaining with how bad it is, not boring me to fucking tears like this show. Welp, here we go...

We start with a recap on what happened on the last episode, although if the last episode is anything to go by THEY'LL SPEND THIS EPISODE TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST FUCKING EPISODE. "This is my first girl about town blog, it's really important" "Of course it is!" FUCK YOU CHESKA AND BINKY FUCKING FUCK YOU

Anyways, this is our title card. If you can remember who Millie is then congrats, you are paying far more attention to this show then I am. We start with Amber and Rosie buying clothes. Rosie is throwing a dinner party for some reason, and I guess this is the big stage for the episode. I bet it fucking sucks. The two girls talk about the dinner party while Rosie tries to devour my soul and Amber buys a cape. Fuck! We're less then a minute and a half in and someone has bought a cape!

Next, we go to Hugo's workplace where Caggie and Millie are there talking with him about the dinner party. Rosie calls Hugo to confirm he and his friends are going to her dinner party. How do all these people know each other? It's sort of implied they all know each other but I have no idea how or why. Actually, forget I asked that, knowing my luck it will end up they all grew up together in an orphanage but then got amnesia so they forgot but then they remembered again

Caggie Millie and Hugo talk about Spencer's girlfriend FUCK THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU DID ON THE LAST EPISODE and Millie google's her. I don't think google works that way. WAIT WHAT THE FUCK GOOGLE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY WHAT KIND OF BIZARRE REALITY IS THIS YOU CAN'T TYPE SOMEONE'S NAME AND YOU GET MODELLING PICTURES OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T CELEBRITIES WHAT THE FUCK!?

They then talk about Spencer liking Caggie and it's really boring and what the fuck does Hugo even do for work? What kind of work allows him to sit and chat about the boring shit in his life with two fucking idiots? We then cut away to Spencer and his girlfriend talking about Caggie, again something that happened last episode. I actually did some research on this show, and it ends up this isn't a reality show at all! It's a "reality soap" What the fuck that means, I have no clue

At Rosie's dinner party Hugo and Amber congratulate her on the venue. Rosie then admits she did no work. Of course she didn't, she's nouveau riche. Rosie leaves to mingle and I groan in anticipation of Hugo and Amber talking about fucking Facebook again. Instead, Amber agrees to go to lunch with Hugo. "I don't like that, it's kind of the friend zone" Hugo complains, the fucking twat. "We enter the lunch road and maybe we'll head onto the dinner highway" says Amber, as if she is reading straight from the script of Juno

Francis shows up now, and shows why he should be fucking rowing or getting his portrait taken while holding a globe and not wearing glasses. He calls Millie Caggie by accident and tries to pull off a Hugh Grant "oh bother, I am a bit of a befuddler!" vibe but instead comes across as a creepy stalker. I knew we had something in common. Caggie is late so Millie calls her up, but I have no idea what the fuck they are saying. You know the 30 Rock joke where Jenna's movie is called the Rural Juror but nobody can tell it's called because Jenna pronounces it "The Ruur Juur"? That is literally their entire phone conversation

Binky Cheska Amber and Rosie are talking. The first line is "So I saw your blog" and I refuse to pay attention to this scene out of principle. Spencer and his girlfriend turn up, then Caggie does at exactly the same time and everything gets awkward. Sadly, the awkward silences are far more enjoyable then anyone in this show talking so I savour this like it's my last breath alive. It honestly sounds like Spencer's girlfriends name is "Thunder" and I can't help but think she is a wrestler. Dinner then starts but I'm just imagining myself powerbombing everyone through tables to pay too much attention

Ollie is there and he says its his birthday. He says he's 24 WHAT THE FUCK I'M OLDER THEN THIS CLOWN JESUS CHRIST and tells everyone they should do something cool for his birthday. You know what I did for my 24th birthday? I got drunk with my friends. What does Ollie suggest? "We should all go to Morroco" FUCK! Caggie starts complaining to Millie and Hugo she feels horrible about meeting Spencer's girlfriend. Who fucking gives a shit "I really don't want to be here" Caggie whines. She doesn't explain if it's because she's in love with Spencer and it hurts seeing him with someone else or if it's because she doesn't want to get in the way of their relationship

Francis then leaves the dinner party to find Caggie. It looks more like a TA meeting some students at Eton rather than him trying to hit on Caggie. Dude looks ridiculous. Caggie leaves, Millie tells Francis Caggie isn't interested in him. He then starts sulking. Way to be mature, dickhead. Ollie's girlfriend (what is her name?) asks Ollie if he wants to go skiing with her for his birthday. He pressures her into letting everyone else come along with them. So instead of going to Morroco they go skiing. FUCK

Thunder then sits next to Caggie for some reason. The reason won't be to challenge her to a cage match at the next Pay per view, but I live in hope. They continue their awkward talk from before while Hugo and Spencer seem to think there is a threesome at the end of this road. Caggie and Millie then go back and forth for a bit - Caggie wants to go home but Millie wants her to stay. "I want to go" "No, you should stay" "I really don't want to be here" "You have to stay" "I really need to get out of here" STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Caggie then leaves and cries in the taxi home. If you take out the taxi and the leaving you get me watching this show

The next morning we have MOTHERFUCKER! Then someone called...Agna? Agma? Fuck, I can't tell what her name is and the show does not do a good job in letting me know. Regardless, she is the new intern. Oh what luck is it that Francis, freshly rejected by a blonde, has a new blonde intern working for him? This is like Hollyoaks, except with worse acting somehow

Caggie then goes to Hugo's apartment to talk about last night. You don't have to talk about last night. We watched the whole thing. There is nothing else about it we don't already know. We do get a new tidbit - after she left the dinner party, Spencer texted her saying he was confused. Hugo says Spencer is being selfish, clearly forgetting about bros before hos. He then sends another message as the two are talking saying Caggie looked amazing last night. This is incredible, as her phone didn't even go off at all! Man, these reality soaps are the fucking future!

Hugo tells Caggie to drop it and move on, which is sound advice and also means the show can start moving towards something that could possibly resemble something interesting. I doubt this will happen. Meanwhile, at Ollie's apartment, he's with Gabriella who finally gets her own name. This is her first credited acting role since dying at the end of Moonraker so I'm very happy for her. They are packing for their skiing holiday, and Gabriella seems to be unaware that Cheska and Binky, who are talking elsewhere AT THE SAME TIME, are also going skiing with them. If I was going on a romantic holiday with my significant other (I'll wait for you to stop laughing) I'd be pissed if two of their friends came along. Even if I was going to the shops though I'd be furious if Cheska and fucking Binky were tagging along

Cheska at least has the decency to feel like she is intruding on their romantic getaway. Not Binky though! "We're going to make it better!" she says, unaware the only thing she can make better is an obituary. Ollie then doesn't tell Gabriella that his two idiot friends are coming, so I can smell the first break up of the series! Elsewhere, Hugo is with Spencer and starts laying down some stats for his ass! "What are you doing!? Stop with the bullshit! I've seen the messages you sent her, what the fuck is wrong with you!?" he cries. Spencer continues to not to choose which girl he likes more and I can see this boring shit dragging on forever. Wonderful

That night, Caggie goes to meet Spencer BECAUSE SHE'S A FUCKING STUPID GODDAMN AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Meanwhile, in France! Ollie and Gabriella are in the hot tub, and Gabriella does a complete 180 from the last episode and starts complaining that he doesn't treat her like she is her girlfriend. Women, am I right fellas!? No seriously, am I right, I honestly have no idea. Caggie meets Spencer on a bridge in Waterloo and I instantly start praying for a murder suicide. Caggie tries to shut Spencer down, he starts going on about how much he loves her, she leaves. You go girl! Back at the hot tub, Cheska and Binky show up and Gabriella is angry but lies to their faces, which I can get behind

Next morning, the four of them sit around on a ski slope and talk about boys. Well, one of them doesn't. If you thought it was Ollie then you're wrong, Gabriella sits there and simmers angrily. Ollie tries to get her to go ski, she refuses saying "When I think about it I get so scared that I cry" THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SUGGEST YOU GO SKIING THEN YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITHEAD! Frederik then calls Francis on the phone and Francis opens the conversation with "You ok broseph?" and it is the whitest thing you have ever heard. Nerdcore has got nothing on the whiteness Francis exudes out of every pore. Millie is getting ready for her date with Frederik, as apparently she is the one Frederick got a date with last time. Whatever. Caggie is helping her get ready but its really fucking boring. Apparently Frederik is a model? Jesus, who can pay attention to this?

We then go back to Gabriella complaining about her relationship with Ollie to Cheska. We go back to Francis and his new assistant, who seems as surprised at I am by her own name. Francis tells her to renew his passport as he'sgoing to New York, she says she likes New York and he invites her along. SHE IS A FUCKING INTERN WHO HAS BEEN WORKING THERE ONE DAY WHY IS SHE FLYING TO NEW YORK AREN'T WE LIVING THROUGH A RECESSION HERE!? FUCK! Amber comes in, and Agne introduces herself to her. Why, you are the fucking intern! Amber describes her as a "fiesty minx" and uuurrrrrggghhhhh I just want it to stop, I just want all life to stop right now. They talk about Hugo, as he keeps asking Amber out on a date. "Honestly, you are out of his league" Francis says to her. DO RICH PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THE BRO CODE OR SOMETHING!? HOW CAN HE CALL FREDERIK BROSEPH AND YET NOT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE BRO CODE!?

Back in France, Ollie complains to Binky about his relationship with Gabriella. Back in Chelsea, Millie is waiting for Frederik to turn up for the date but he is already there, and there is absolutely no way she will not be able to see him from where she is sitting. I don't think busking is a good first impression either. The two of them flirt, and Frederik says "In irony lies truth" so I refuse to pay attention to this date and any other scenes involving the date

Spencer and Thunder are out and talking about Caggie because they are boring people. Spencer then sells Caggie down the river, by telling Thunder Caggie has feelings for him and he is the one who said they should give each other some space. We go back to the date which I ignore completely. Back in France and the four girls are sitting around. Ollie apologises to Gabriella for being whiny, she does the same. Gabriella gives him a present except I have no fucking clue what it is, he seems happy. Binky and Cheska give him a one piece. No, not the DVD (it would have redeemed the show in my eyes i that happened) but a woll one piece to wear...I don't know where you'd wear it, but the possibility of being able to wear it are high

We go back to Millie and Frederik's date, and I just want to say it was a lunch date but it's now dark out. This means they had a lunch date for around six or so hours. They then go back to Frederik's hotel room. The next morning Caggie Rosie and Millie are talking about Millie's date. Rosie doesn't get a line in the entire scene and the camera is barely on her. Thanks for showing up, love. Back in France, the four muskateers are hungover and Binky goes to get some shots after Cheska says they need "hair of the dog that bit them" Ollie points out that Binky should make sure there are no dog hairs in the drinks, and Binky asks why. That series of events happen in that exact order

When Binky is at the bar she meets some guy and the other three are surprised by this. Afterwards we get this. Maybe tell us this beforehand so we can be shocked too, the way it's done means we never understand the shock of him being here since we aren't aware of this at all. Binky then spends the entire scene talking to him laughing, and I'm not sure if it's part of her character or because she is a terrible actor

Caggie and Hugo are talking about Spencer, and Hugo brings his friend called CJ to set the two of them up. BROS BEFORE FUCKING HOS WHY DOES NOBODY IN CHELSEA FOLLOW THIS!? We go back to France where it's dark and the three are worried that Binky hasn't turned up yet. If it ends up she died on the slope I wouldn't be too upset. Back with Caggie, Hugo leaves to get another drink and CJ asks Caggie how he knows Hugo. "I don'tknow!" is the reply. HOW DO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE FUCKING KNOW EACH OTHER!? Back in France, Binky turns up, alive sadly, and she brings her ex with her to Ollie's birthday meal. Binky's ex sounds like a northern Clive Owen. Ollie and Cheska are a bit apathetic towards him, and Binky's ex admits some wrong doings in the past but he's a changed man now. Did he used to beat her? That would make him my favourite character on the show

Back in London, Hugo is still at the bar (he's been there a while) and Spencer walks in. UH OH! Spencer gets angry at Hugo for...I don't know. He views this as a betrayal by Hugo, they argue a bit and Spencer leaves in a huff. The episode then ends on a fucking terrible cliffhanger. There was also a preview of the next episode and SPOILERS its all about Caggie and Spencer again. Fuck yes, this shit hasn't been run into the ground at all!

Made in Chelsea Episode 1 - The souls of the tormented scream at me from beyond the ether "Made in Chelsea"

One thing that I will not have anyone say about me is that I am a believer in the North/South divide in the UK. Regardless of which side of the UK you live in, there are a large collection of fucking annoying dickheads, and I will prove this today. After binging through all of Geordie Shore to give the northern side, I will now digest Made in Chelsea, the south side of the country

Another reality TV show following a collection of people as they live their lives and some such nonsense. I actually had a vague impression of Geordie Shore before I watched it, but I'm going into this completely blind. I think by the end of the episode I probably will wish I'm blind, but this is just my early hypothesis - the only way to find out the facts is by watching it

"You may have heard rumours that Chelsea is an exclusive world of royals, aristocrats and playboys. Where the gossip is as startling as the prices. Well, it's all true! And I'd know. I'm *I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO SPELL HER FUCKING NAME! It sounds like Caggie Dunnal but unless the show actually spells it out for me I'm swinging in the dark* and this is my world!" is the very first thing I hear. In the background are a bunch of attractive people sitting around drinking champagne on a boat or buying clothes. Is this show about a bunch of spoilt rich kids going around being fabulous? Because fuck whoever told me to watch it if that is the case

"Business is the warfare of the modern age, and I'm a general" says another guy whose name I don't know. I think in the first minute we've hit at least over double figures when it comes to characters. Since all the women are blonde and all the men could easily be replaced with a guy in a giant costume that spells out "asshole" it might be a bit difficult to tell the difference between them all

We go back to Caggie's monologue "You might say we have it all, but having whatever you want makes choosing much more tricky" FUCKING SERIOUSLY LADY!? WHO THE FUCK ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS YOU ENTITLED FUCKING BITCH!? IN ONE FUCKING SENTENCE YOU'VE ALREADY ANNOYED ME MORE THAN THE ENTIRITY OF GEORDIE SHORE! YES, EVEN WORSE THAN HOLLY! "In Chelsea, the truth is more fabulous than fiction" she continues "This is our life"

Right, a name! The girl on the left here is Amber. She is at a party. This is Francis. He is also at the party. If the show is going to throw everyone at me at once at this fucking party I'll be pissed. At least make them do something! Don't just show them walking around a party as an introduction! I'll never remember their faces or names that way! Do you even know how to make a TV show!? Amber starts talking to a girl, and Francis comes along and we find out the girl is called Rosie

The three of them talk. It seems Amber has thrown the party, there's jewelry on display, and Francis asks after Caggie then leaves. I had to watch this happen, so you have to read about it. The burden of boredom is shared between us. So far, this whole thing feels far too scripted to be a reality TV show, so I'm now going to treat this as a sitcom. The worst sitcom ever, since sitcoms are about how you relate to the characters and not many can relate to a bunch of spoilt rich brats

Next up, we get Caggie herself! She is talking to her friend, Milly. They are talking about boys, and acting upon flirts by them. You may think when it comes to describing what these people are doing I'm using short sentences, but that is literally all we get from them. They talk for less than 8 seconds about boring shit and it cuts away to the next losers, like Spencer and Hugo. Spencer talks about how he wants to hook up with Caggie. That's it, as we cut away to Caggie and Milly talking about some guy who they don't name, and how much he likes Caggie. But he has a girlfriend, but Caggie invites him to the party anyways

We cut back to Spencer and Hugo, and Caggie sent him the text! By him I mean Spencer. This is neither important nor is it interesting, which I guess is why it is on a show about rich kids doing nothing. Hugo gives Spencer shit because he replies to the text in a nonchalant way when moments before he said he really liked Caggie. We cut back to Caggie and Amber, who are talking about going to Amber's party. YOU WERE JUST AT AMBER'S PARTY, YOU SPENT YOUR ENTIRE INTRODUCTION THERE, WHY ARE YOU NOW GOING TO A PARTY YOU WERE ALREADY AT!? Wait, no, it's not Caggie and Milly, it's Cheska and Binky, two people who look identically to Caggie and Milly! If it ends up they are twins of each other I will flip the fuck out

Back at the party, Francis is talking to his clearly stoner friend Fredrik. Finally, a character I can relate to! He talks to Francis about digging for diamonds in Madagascar. Not Francis personally, I'm sure he has slave labour camps to do that for him. Mr Kurtz then talks to his stoner buddy about Caggie. Ends up everyone wants to hook up with her. The trials and tribulations of being young, attractive and rich. I'd be happy enough being just one of those three, or failing that, just being dead

Cheska and Binky HAVE STUPID FUCKING NAMES I AM GOING TO GET SICK OF TYPING OUT REALLY FUCKING QUICKLY meet the guy at the door to the party. He is called Ollie. Why is a skinny metrosexual with an open shirt being the bouncer to an exclusive party? Because it's Chelsea, fool, and there is never any trouble there! It ends up Cheska and/or Binky work for a magazine of some kind and that's why they are here. Or maybe not, I don't really know. They say things and it sounds important, like it shows personality or character, but it's quickly ignored so people can be rich and attractive. You know, important aspects

Spencer and Hugo turn up, and they talk to Caggie and Milly about something happening tomorrow. Caggie invites them along, because progressing a story is the chief concern to a reality TV show. I keep bringing this up, but everything about this show is fake. The people are some of the most insincere shitheads I've ever had the misfortune to watch by other people so I could make a blog post about it. Everything in the show feels scripted, except it's like the people in it have only read the script moments ago and only learned how to read moments before that. Every line feels like a fresh take and it's hurridly edited together. They don't talk loud enough to hear them properly over the music, not that it matters since the bits I do catch are the most boring shit in existence. Nothing is real, everything is gay

Even having these four sitting around a table joking on with each other feels forced. How is that possible? Caggie is doing something tomorrow in public, something potentially embarrassing, and the other three tease her for it. This is the most basic thing in the world. You probably do this to people you know every single day, and yet these people make it seem like it's the most difficult task possible. They wait a moment after someone finished speaking to say their line, nobody interupts or starts talking at the same time someone else does. Nobody laughs either - sure in this case it's because it's not fucking funny, but the other people have no reaction to the person talking except this dead eyed smile

Cheska or Binky, the one who works for a magazine, talks to a guy about his turn ons and turn offs. "Topshop is a turn off. It is not allowed under any circumstances whatsoever!" he says. I hate him the most already. Not because he disses Topshop, but because he manages to nail smug self satisfaction with everything he has. Sadly, since this reality TV show is clearly scripted, I have to assume he is putting on an act and isn't this slimy and despisable in real life. He says his name is Mark but he doesn't get a title over his face, so I'm saying his name is Steve until the show tells me otherwise. The girl he's with (who says her name is Gabriella) shakes hands with Cheska or Binky (the one not from the magazine) when she turns up, and says sorry for not kissing her on the cheek. The guy then says "You're a girl, not a lesbian" and gives this horse laugh and I hate him so much. The girl who just turned up says she has to eat, his response was "Chelsea girls don't eat!" and when she says this one does he says "Thus the celulite!" and does his horsey laugh again. This is a really long paragraph, but the annoyance you had at reading it is the only way for me to accurately depict my hatred for this man

Hugo talks to Amber, and mentions he tried to add her on Facebook and complains that the friend request is still pending. She says she doesn't use Facebook, and he tells her to go onto Facebook and add him as a friend or else he'll be really upset. Is this show jumping between fake and real? Can I do the same? Can I assume these people are all fucking awful human beings, but they are being scripted to be awful human beings in the show? I think I can live with this compromise. Frederick is outside talking to someone who might have been introduced before but fuck if I can remember who. They flirt. That's it. We go back to Spencer and Aggie, who talk about Spencer's girlfriend. Spencer counters this by saying he has feelings for Caggie. Smooth move, Ferguson. We then go to adverts, and I want to point out it's been 15 minutes long so far out of 47

Next morning, Caggie and Milly are somewhere. Milly is hungover. They talk about Spencer and the deal with his girlfriend. Jesus Christ, I could do the entire episode like this because NOTHING IS FUCKING HAPPENING IT'S A BUNCH OF TERRIBLE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THEY TALKED ABOUT IN THE SCENE BEFORE. We then cut to Francis and Frederick at the fucking rowing club. I'm fucking serious. They are rowing. I actually said "No fucking way" out loud as this scene happened. This is the single best way to prove that these people are trying to portray that they are of higher class. Rowing. Fuck!

Next scene, Spencer goes to Hugo's apartment. "I feel disastrous today" Spencer complains "I feel like I've been run over several times" I could easily arrange that if he feels like he really does want to feel that. Spencer isn't happy that he feelslike he has to choose between Caggie and this girlfriend nobody has ever met. He then says he wouldn't cheat on his girlfriend "at the minute". Fuck! Hugo gives Spencer shit for being "a bright moral light for him to follow" and then Spencer gives Hugo shit because Amber still hasn't added Hugo as a friend on Facebook. They are using Facebook to create tension between two characters. FUUUUUUUUUCK! If he had used the Facebook thing as an ice breaker to start conversation with Amber, something jokey and not too serious, thats fine. No, their entire conversation last night was about Facebook and he is actually literally upset that she hasn't added him

I have half an hour left of this. I honestly have no idea if I can manage it

Francis and Fredrick have finished rowing (FUCK!) and are talking about the summer. They are both going to spend August in New York, just in case you weren't aware they were both rich. Francis says he wants to go to the Hampdens to play polo (FUUUUUUUUCK!) and also to hit up the party scene there. Frederick replies with, I fucking swear, "Totes man! Totes!" FUCK YOU! Someone called Camilla Macintosh texts Frederick to see Caggie do something on that day, Frederick and Francis agree to go. WHO THE FUCK IS CAMILLA MACINTOSH!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW!?

Cheska Binky and Ollie are in Binky's mum cottage on the outskirts of London. Cheska says she will never stand next to Amber "because she'll make me look like a heffalump!" Binky is confused by this but Ollie explains it's from Winnie the Pooh. "Oh, was it Eeyore? Or the little piglet!" Binky asks. Fucking Binky. What kind of name is Binky? Binky, you seem like the kind of person who googles your name so here - I FUCKING HATE YOU. Ollie asks who wrote Winnie the Pooh "Charles Dickens" Cheska replies. "No, he wrote Pride and Prejudice" Binky replies. SOMEONE FUCKING END THIS SCENE RIGHT NOW. Ollie points out he wrote Great Expectations and Oliver Twist. "Oh yeah! See, I am actually quite clever" Binky claims. I feel like I've aged at an incredible rate as this scene has went on

Amber and someone who doesn't get named in the scene but has been named before talk about how they hate fake tan and stripper heels "If it's not done in a cool way" SAYS THE GIRL WHO WEARS THIS FUCKING HAT! They talk about Cheska's blog. So she doesn't work for a magazine, she is just a blogger. This show is the most infuriating thing in existence. Her friend now gets named as Rosie, who was named right at the start and not mentioned at all for the past 20 minutes. Cool, way to go TV show! "I think she'll say the party had a Sex in the City, Carrie Bradshaw kind of vibe" Rosie says. Those words are meaningless. What you said literally does not make any sense. Amber then says the word "blogosphere" and I honest to God tried to reach through my laptop and strangle her. Fuck this scene, I refuse to comment on it anymore

Cheska and Binky are eating, and Ollie complains that since he works Fridays and Saturdays then he can only use Sunday as his date night. Thats it. The scene lasts less then 8 seconds. We cut away to a pub, and Caggie seems to be getting ready to sing. Spencer's girlfriend then shows up and her name is Funda. This would be the point I make fun of her name, but apparently she is from Brazil and so gets a pass. She sounds like everyone else when she talks though, so I'm keeping an eye on her. Funda grills Spencer about the night before (she was away or something?) and he hums and hahs through it all. His phone rings halfway through and urrrrgh this is fucking boring! It was Caggie, and she leaves a message saying she hopes he turns up. We then get a fucking montage of Spencer looking at his phone wistfully and Caggie looking into the mirror wistfully and me typing out of sheer despair. Not in the montage, just reality

This could have been a shit cliffhanger in around 3 or 4 episodes time. When we've met and known these charactes for around half an hour we don't care if he turns up or not. There is no tension here, there is no suspence. We know nothing about any of these characters aside from the fact they are utterly worthless human beings with lots of money and too much free time. There is no heart here, no empathy, no reason for anyone to give even the remotest shit about any of the people we've been introduced to. Their problems are the epitome of First World Problems. Any situation that arises with them is inconsequental, and if they moan and complain about being rich it just makes them even more irritating

At the pub, Milly and Frederick talk about fucking nothing. Cheska Binky and Ollie talk about his date, he leaves and then Cheska and Binky talk about her fucking blog. Fuck off. Ollie goes to his date with Gabriella, who was with that cockhead Mark (or Steve or whatever his name was) at the party. Ollie opens with "I'm pissed off. My hair used to be exceptional and now it's going downhill". Fuck off! Back at the pub, Caggie starts singing. She sings a song I recognise but not the name or who its by, but she sounds like Kate Nash so Caggie can go fucking die for all I care. We get Caggie singing over scenes from Ollie's date with Gabriella (boring) and her crowd listening, occasionly nodding their heads in approval (insincere) Spencer then turns up halfway through the song, and we get treated to more close ups of Caggie singing as well as Spencer watching Caggie singing

Gabriella opens up to Ollie on their date, saying she feels comfortable with him because they are both very similiar. Which is true, since they both like men. If Ollie does not have a tearful coming out of the closet episode then that will prove this show is fake. There is no way that man is straight. We cut back to the pub, and Francis gives Caggie a rose. "A rose for a rose" he explains. Now all I can think of is the War of the Roses, and how everyone in this show would be brutally killed on the battlefield if it was set in that time. Spencer turns up with Caggie's drink, and Francis beats a hasty retreat. Nobody gives a shit. Spencer takes Caggie out to dinner to make up for him being late, I struggle to continue watching

The next morning Caggie and her friend who is only ever on screen when Caggie needs someone to talk to talk about dinner last night. You know, instead of FUCKING SHOWING US! YOU SHOW OLLIE HAVING DINNER WITH GABRIELLA AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HIM! WHEN THE MAIN CHARACTER ON YOUR SHOW GOES TO DINNER WITH A GUY YOU DON'T EVEN SHOW THAT!? wHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS!? The two girls talk about Spencer's girlfriend. Feel the deja vu? Yes, because they HAD THIS EXACT SAME CONVERSATION YESTERDAY IN THE EXACT SAME FUCKING PLACE GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

We cut back to Spencer's girlfriend grilling him on what he did last night. WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION YESTERDAY TOO! Spencer admits he went to see Caggie perform, his girlfriend says its not an issue but the fact he tries to hide it is an issue. He then accuses her of over-reacting, because he's a fucking idiot. Francis then gets a call from Rosie, a character I cannot remember, and they talk about last night. He holds a fucking globe in his hand while he is on the phone, like he's some kind of Bond villain. If you think him holding a globe on the phone is stupid, the reason behind it IS EVEN FUCKING WORSE

Spencer and Hugo go on a run and talk about Spencer's dinner with Caggie. I'm not interested at all and ignore it. Amber has a photoshoot now, for some reason. I think it's because she owns some sort of jewelry business? Just a heads up, I think it was mentioned she is 19. A 19 year old running a jewelry business. Welcome to Chelsea y'all! Rosie comes in and they talk about Cheska's blog giving her a good review. Sadly, the same can't be said about other blogs reviews. We then go to Cheska and Binky at Cheska's work WHICH IS A MAGAZINE THIS FUCKING SHOW! Cheska is worried that Amber may not like her blog. What kind of shitty blogger is worried about what the audience thinks? Wait, don't answer that

Spencer goes home and apologise to his girlfriend, and the show ends with his girlfriend insisting she meets Caggie. It ends then. FUCK THIS SHOW IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING IN EXISTENCE IT MAKES GEORDIE SHORE SEEM FAST PACED AND INTERESTING I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW ANYMORE