Desperate Scousewives Episode 1 - Blogging In The Center Of The Universe

It is a fairly sad realisation when you say Geordie Shore was the best reality TV show. But in my case, it's true. Made in Chelsea was a half real half fake completely boring monstrosity - the characters played themselves but everything was scripted so they weren't actually themselves. The Only Way In Essex was just confusing - everything on the show was scripted, but everything outside the show they did was real. You'd have newspapers reporting break ups and people fighting and it would be real, then they would solve their issues on TV and it would be completely scripted

At least Geordie Shore was real. It was eight people in a house together for a few weeks, and they all seemed to fucking hate each other. There is nothing realer than that. Now we have a new contender to the reality TV throne - Desperate Scousewives. Besides having probably the best name, what seperates it from the other shows? Lets find out

"Liverpool. The pool of life. Center of the universe, no contest" says the voiceover. "Why live anywhere else when you have it all here? The amazing buildings, the brilliant shops, the coolest nightlife and music. We invented that, you know? We all have scouser written all the waythrough us - we're loud and we're proud. It must be something they put in the water. The Mersey, that is!"

Alright, lets take a break here. First up, Liverpool is not the center of the universe. There is no scientific proof in existence big enough for me to accept that. Next, every city in the fucking world has amazing buildings and brilliant shops and the coolest nightlife. Anyone from any city will say that about their own city. Also Liverpool did not invent music. I cannot stress this enough. Yes, you have the Beatles. Yes, they are a good band. No, you did not invent music. Also if you are drinking water from the river Mersey then you have more serious problems then "lying about your hometown"

The voiceover continues "Home to the most gorgeous girls, like ice queen Amanda. She's always in the papers looking glam" What papers? Why do I have no idea who she is? What does she do other than be an ice queen, which isn't enough of a celeb factor to be in the paper? "Or Chloe, a nurse with a big heart, big hair and even bigger dreams" I have a horrible feeling the next few minutes of the show are going to be an introduction to the characters and there's going to be fucking loads of them

Next we have Elissa since I'm sick of transcribing the fucking narrator. She is a "dead smart writer" and has a broken heart but kind of looks like an older more orange Minka Kelly, so she is my favourite. Next we have the "barbie doll sisters" Gill and Debbie, who are introduced as looking for a fella. We also meet their "bezzie mates" Chris and Mark. Does each girl have one of them as their best mate? They are apparently married, so at least we got something good from the show. If they can at least portray the married gay couple as something resembling "normal" or, failing that, "happy" then that could be a step forward for gay rights

This is Layla. The narrator says nothing about her other than her name. Cool, things like personality aren't important anyways for a FUCKING TV SHOW. Now the women and gays are out the way (seriously, I'm not even kidding. The narrator says "What are the women without the fellas?" Gay people count as women now. Remember what I said about moving gay rights forward? What a fucking idiot I am) we meet Danny. And Joe. And George. And Jaiden, who unlike the other guys gets a description from the narrator. Sadly for everyone who is alive right now, his description is "Blogger" I am fucking serious. There is going to be drama in this show about something a blogger said. Fuck my fucking life

Lastly we get the narrator herself, who is called Jodie. She is back, apparently. Back from where? Not said. Probably some other part of the universe that isn't the center. She stands outside a train station and shouts "LIVERPOOL, I'M BACK!" a man off camera shouts back "Give is a kiss then!" and Jodie tells him to "shut up" I think this is an attempt at humour guys. If this is an example of witty banter that is going to be on display here then I am definitely not going to enjoy this

"This is Liverpool, and these are very real stories" Jodie goes on to say. YOU ARE FUCKING HALF RIGHT! THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING REAL ABOUT ANYTHING ON THIS SHOW OUTSIDE OF THE FACT IT'S IN LIVERPOOL. I AM LESS THAN TWO MINUTES INTO THIS AND I CAN ALREADY TELL THIS ENTIRE FUCKING THING IS SCRIPTED! DO NOT FUCKING LIE TO ME TELEVISION, I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF YOUR SHIT

"It's the date we've all been waiting for, it's the Style Awards" says the voice over "The biggest event on the scouse calendars" Maybe Liverpool is the center of the universe if they have their own seperate calendars? We cut away to Jodie complaining about people in London "They'd look at me like 'What are you wearing!?' Lady Gaga in London! I get to Liverpool and nobody bats an eyelid!" First up lady, you just compared yourself to Lady Gaga. At this point, not even Lady Gaga can do that. Second of all, explicitly pointing out the North/South divide is not a good move for a show that revolves around stupid people living a life of no consequences. This continues when she says scouse guys are better than the guys in London in every single way

"I'm back from London now, I'm ready to take over, I'm going to smash it and I've got a really good feeling!" she then says. JESUS! In around 3 sentences we've been transported to a fucking mafia movie. I hope it ends like Scarface. We cut away to a dude in the shower. Hope you people like butts! We then go to Layla who sends a text saying she slept at Joe's again and that the person she is sending a text to needs to cover for her. What is more interesting, however, is the fact it looks like she slept in the kitchen. The center of the universe is fucking weird. Joe walks in (it was him in the shower?) and says "You still here?" in the most nonchalant way imaginable. You go, little scouse Barney Stinson! They argue for a bit and it's fucking boring. Layla has a weird accent, it occasionly sounds scouse but most of the time it doesn't

Let's mention the accent. In Geordie Shore the accents didn't bother me, mostly because I've lived around it my whole life. The scouse accent also does not bother me in the least. I know people who find it annoying, but it doesn't phase me in the least. I can imagine it getting a bit overwhelming in this situation, but Layla's is just fucking terrible. For reference, Made in Chelsea's accent was RP English, which once you get past how much of a twat people sound like that when talking normally isn't too bad, and The Only Way Is Essex is the essex accent, and if terrorists blew up Essex and everyone who spoke with that accent they would become heroes

Next we get Amanda and Chloe walking through Liverpool with rollers in their hair. Whatever. I don't like Amanda being a "local celeb" when they could at least say why she is a local celeb. "Celeb's mate" is also not a description of anything, especially when you have the infinitely more respectable "nurse" right in front of it. But I guess if you aren't teaching kids that being things like nurses is just a stop gap until you become famous then you aren't being responsible

Some people come up to Amanda and ask for their picture taken with her. WHY!? WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO DESERVE THIS!? ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT THESE CHARACTERS FUCKING DO! I get that making Amanda seem like a big deal is important, but you show her being a big deal but not why she is a big deal! As they walk away both Chloe and Amanda say "That was funny" except they are a second off so it seems more like one of them forgot their lines rather than it seemingly realistic and spontaneous. Chloe and Amanda talk about the Style Awards, except they spend most of their time corpsing rather than actually saying their lines. Here, Amanda was saying she didn't win an award for "Most Stylish Woman" and it's not really something she should be laughing about. This is what happens when you get untrained actors who just want to be on TV to be a main character in your fake reality show. This is also what happens when you get a grumpy shithead like me to watch it

Amanda then goes on about how great it is to get things for free because she's famous. Fuck her. We then go to Gill and Debbie, who sleep together. Can we stay with these two for a while? "I'd rather share a bed with you then any man" one of them says. BOM CHIKA WAH WAH "We're both single and ready to mingle!" the other one says. The bass from Seinfeld is going crazy in my mind as I'm watching this. We then get Layla leaving Joe's place and she is talking about how she can't believe she is back to this position again and the camera pulls away and she is talking to herself. What!? SHE IS TALKING TO THE CAMERA NOW AND THE CAMERA PULLS AWAY AND SHE IS STANDING AT THE SIDE OF A ROAD AND IT CUTS BETWEEN HER TALKING TO THE CAMERA AND THIS AND WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

We cut away to Elissa, who looks a lot less like Minka Kelly so I no longer give a shit about her. Her first words are "So how is your blog going?" and I jump straight to fucking despising her. Jaiden is here too and his response is "Yeah it's going good" It's a fucking sad day in my shitty existence when "blogger" is a fucking job title, you tremendous twat. "I'm Britain's most brutal blogger" he says and you know what? Fuck this scene. I've had issues with bloggers on these shows in the past and I refuse to pay attention to scenes with them in. Bloggers are the fucking worst people alive and if Hitler had went after them rather than the Jews then Germany would be the center of the universe rather than Liverpool. "I'm not too mean, I'm just opinionated and if they don't like it then they can just get over it" he then says. I will pay someone money if they murder Jaiden

They drive past Joe's place that Layla is still standing outside talking to herself, and they bring up the fact Elissa is Joe's ex. Is this drama I see on the horizon of the blogosphere!? Joe and Adam are playing football, Danny then enters stage left, and they argue because he was late. "What is more important, birds or football?" one of them says, then some women run onto the pitch with a football and they ogle them for a while. Thats it. Thats the entire fucking scene. We go to a beauty salon next, where Jodie has a job interview with the gay married couple. The first thing Jodie says at her job interview is "I know this is all about me but..." and my mind screams out of reflex. She then tries to organise her time off at a job interview. She will probably get the job because none of this is real!

Amanda and Chloe are now at the location of the Style Awards with Louise, a character just introduced now. Why do all of these shows have such a large cast of characters who all look fucking identical? Chloe has fake tan all over one of her hands, so she pours bleach on them to clean them. We then go to Elissa and Jaiden, at a coffee shop, talking about his blog. Fuck you! Not even him slagging off Amanda for thinking she's a celeb when nobody outside of Liverpool knows who she is can save this scene. A fucking blog is not a tool for plot progression!

Joe Adam and Danny are talking about Layla, because that is fucking boring and that is clearly the most important thing. Layla then walks in with Danny's ex called Sam, so Joe and Danny hide while Adam talks to them as a distraction so they can slip away. These people are adults. Back at the job interview, Jodie talks about "the scouser eyebrow" which I pray is not a euphamism. Back at Joe Adam and Danny, the two sisters appear whose names I've already forgot come in. The guys invite them to go with them and they say yes. You can tell these shows are scripted because everyone knows each other somehow. Back at the job interview we see the "Scouse Eyebrow" and I wish it was a euphamism. She gets the job anyways because fuck!

Jodie then talks to the camera, probably in an effort to show that this is real. Geordie Shore used the one person talking to the camera trick because they were completely honest to the camera. If something stupid was going on, they would act one way but be completely different to the solo camera. Here, they just talk to the camera to reinforce what has just happened. Like here, Jodie says she got the job and she is really happy. We know lady! We just fucking saw that! You don't need to tell us about something we just saw!

Chloe looks at Amanda's calendar. Yes, she has a calendar. I fucking knew the center of the universe has a different calendar! Chloe asks how many pages a calendar has and Amanda laughs. Hahaha, the nurse is an idiot! She is so much stupider than the model! Take that, nurses! Amanda goes onabout how she worked for years for no money just to make it as a model, and we then get the bombshell that Amanda has a kid. WHY HAVEN'T WE SEEN HER WITH HER BABY!? WHY IS SHE WORKING FOR FREE FOR YEARS WHEN SHE HAS A CHILD TO SUPPORT!? ARE WE MEANT TO SYMPATHIZE WITH HER!? AAAAAAAAAAAAA

"They see me glammed up going to parties but they don't see the other side of me. Going for school runs, making her tea, helping with her homework" THAT'S BECAUSE THE SHOW DOESN'T SHOW THIS! IF IT DID THEN THAT WOULD DO FUCKING WONDERS FOR YOUR CHARACTER! PEOPLE WOULD ROOT FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING IT ALL FOR YOUR KID! INSTEAD WE JUST SEE YOU GO TO PARTIES AND GOING SHOPPING AND TALKING ABOUT YOUR KID! THIS IS SOME FUCKING GREAT GATSBY SHIT HERE!

Jaiden goes to pick up Elissa for the Style Awards "I just read on twitter that Amanda is presenting an award" he says. If someone finds his twitter account I will troll him and his shitty fucking blog, if it even exists. This I promise you. "I can't wait for the blogging and the bitching! I'm doing a liveblog from there!" he exclaims. Fuck him. Fuck him and his stupid fucking name and his stupid fucking blog and everything he fucking does

Chloe and Amanda are already at the location, but Amanda has to leave and then re-enter with the cameras there. Chloe is confused by this. I'm with the nurse. George appears now for the first time, and I have no idea who he is. That's all he gets, as we are now treated to Amanda sneaking out the back to a car which then pulls around the corner to enter. We then get Layla and Sam bitching about their exs. A scene so good when we saw it ten minutes ago we get it again. We then cut to one of the gay guys telling his pet dog that she worked really hard at the salon today. To clear this up, the human is telling the dog it worked hard at the salon. His husband comes in and they talk about Jodie, how she has no volume control and is kinda annoying

Layla and Sam, after spending the entire episode complaining about how annoying their exes are, then switch the names on the tables at the Style awards so they sit next to their exes for the night. WHY!? The event starts, Coleen Rooney wins Amanda's award but she can't be here tonight. I can't blame her. We then find out George's family owns the Hilton hotel in Liverpool. Say wha? Layla and Joe talk about their deal and her accent gets worse. What is it with these scripted shows and pointless drama between completely unlikable characters? Then like three scenes go by and nothing interesting happens

Chloe and Amanda are now talking and Chloe asks if she's been on twitter. TWITTER AS PLOT PROGRESSION! FUCK! Apparently Jaiden is being mean about Amanda on twitter. "I'm not bothered, but if I see him I'm going to sort it out" she says, the exact opposite of not being bothered. Joe talks to Elissa about being friends, Elissa shuts him down and starts crying. Mixed signals much? This is so fucking boring, it's been going on for minutes now and it ends with Elissa hitting him and storming off. Amanda confronts Jaiden and he says she looks like a furry. JESUS! The two of them argue about fucking twitter and it's absolutely pathetic. She throws a drink off him and storms off. The show them mercifully ends. That was fucking terrible

The Only Way Is Essex Season 3 Episode 1 - This blog is 100% reem, I think?

I'll be honest here - Made in Chelsea was a bust. Aside from the first episode, where what I expected and what actually took place were two incredibly different things, it was a boring slog through people talking about things we've already seen, forever. The main rule of things like TV is "Show, not tell" and by God did that show fucking love to tell

So, while I'm looking for something else to watch, here is The Only Way is Essex. This is Season 3 eisode 1, which premiered yesterday or the day before. The point I'm making is that it premiered recently. Note I've never watched The Only Way Is Essex before in my life, I know absolutely nothing about anyone in this show or even what it is even about. I'm going in here completely blind, as well as two seasons behind. SO LET'S FUCKING DO THIS

Right, opening credits. Here is Joey. Here is Jessica, with a nuclear bomb being detonated just off camera. This is Mark. And Lauren. This is Harry, even though his name disappeared like super fast and he looks like the kid from Eastenders who was a Mitchell and then left Eastenders and then married her from Hear'Say who then went onto Coronation Street. Next we have...Arg? His name is fucking Arg!? I also want to point out that the song The Only Way Is Up is playing throughout the opening credits, which I get the feeling may be better placed at the ending credits

Next we have Lydia, and there's something about her face which doesn't seem right. We have Kirk, who seems to be channeling The Demon Headmaster. Who remembers that show? It was scary as shit! Next we have Sam. That's it. 9 characters, all of them introduced within the first 30 seconds. If they don't put names to faces during the show I will forget all of their names and will flail around like a baby when describing anything they do

We start with a montage that goes on for a minute and a half of each of the characters. They are walking around, some of them are sitting down together, one is driving a car and one is staring at his phone wistfully. Why? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW! The show doesn't do a recap of anything thats happened before, so not only do I not know the characters I have no idea what their motivations and story arc are

Lydia is with some dude in an empty shop that apparently she owns. "This is gonna be the cake cawna" she says in her awful accent "'Ere there'll be bewthday cakes, 'ere there'll be cupcakes, 'ere they'll be cookies, the lot" The other guy is introduced as Arg, whio has a first name of James. WHAT!? Why not call him fucking James! Lydia calls him James or Jay like five fucking times in this fucking scene so what is the fucking point of having the nickname Arg!? Fuck you!

Suddenly, a witch appears! FUCK AAAAAAAAAAA SOMEONE THROW SOME WATER ON HER JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Oh wait it's just Lydia's mother, although I still refuse to let go of the witch theory. She congratulates Fucking Arg, since that is his name from now on, that he's lost a lot of weight. "You look like Dustin Hoffman" the witch says. Isn't he like fucking 70?

Here is Mick. WHO THE FUCK IS MICK!? He talks to Kirk about cars. "A lambo is a man's car, innit" Mick says. Kirk has just bought a Porsche, you see. "That's a hairdresser's car, mate" Mick says about it. Is that...homophobia? Way to be progressive, Essex. Mick then critisizes Kirk for the Porsche, as Kirk works in property and a Porsche gives off the wrong impression to people. See, I'm learning things already! I think Mick is Kirk's dad, because Kirk keeps asking him if he's proud of him. I think Essex is the only place in the world where a father calls his son "mate" in an affectionate manner

Elsewhere, Joey is cutting his jeans up to make jorts. FUCKING SERIOUSLY! Chloe watches, and she looks like a rat, a duck and a human fell into one of those teleporting machines from The Fly. Chloe says he is cutting up vintage jeans to make jean shorts, he says he doesn't care. "Joey, what does vintage mean?" she asks "Like, it's new but made to look old, innit?" he replies. We go back to Kirk and Mick, who talk about Kirk breaking up with Lauren. WHO FUCKING CARES. Chloe is talking to Joey's sister and then he walks in looking like this. FUCK OFF. The two girls call him out on looking like a twat, he says they don't know what they are talking about. "Cheers united!" he says sarcastically and then minces off

Lauren P and Lauren G are talking. WHY ARE THERE TWO LAURENS ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME!? Right, new name time - we have Lauren P, who apparently used to go out with Kirk, I think, and Warren G, Dr Dre's brother who had one mediocre album in the 90's which I fucking loved at the time. Warren G also broke up with someone called Mark and they were engaged? Lauren asks Warren G what she is going to do with the ring "I dunno, sell it?" Fuck!

We go back to Mark and he's upset, not only about Warren G breaking up with him but something else. Fucking Arg is there to console him, although fuck him. Mark has a go at Fucking Arg for choosing Lydia over him in his time of need. Next up we have Georgio cleaning a house in his underwear because his mother is coming over while Dino, also in his underwear, hands him a protein shake. Nothing in that sentence was a lie. Joey and Kirk talk about Kirk's new car, which Joey says is "Reem". I have no fucking clue what that word means but he said it about the jorts from earlier too so I assume it's bad. Kirk then convinces him that a cars horsepower comes from tiny horses living inside the car that make it go fast. I wish I was lying

Mark tells Fucking Arg he is going to be celibate for 40 days. I think he said 40, it might be 14 but the accent makes it incomprehensible. Fucking Arg then tells Nanny Pat. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU NANNY PAT!? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING PEOPLE ON THIS SHOW!? THERE WERE ONLY 9 IN THE OPENING CREDITS FOR FUCKS SAKE! Harry and someone else tell Gemma, who I have no fucking clue who she is, she looks amazing. Apparently Gemma was stalking Mick. Wait, what? Harry says Gemma reminds him of Jlo. Should I tell her or do you want to? Jess is having a party since its her birthday, and she invited Lauren despite LAuren saying Jess and Mark are incestous. They are apparently brother and sister? Wait, why would they still be friends after she said that? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS SHOW!?

We then get a needless scene of a dude in the shower, and he walks out to some girl who doesn't even get fucking named and they get invited to Jess' birthday party. Shower Dude doesn't want to go because of what happened last time with Mark. Did Mark cheat on Lauren with this nameless girl and thats why the engagement is off? I DON'T KNOW! The only mystery bigger than everything that happens in this show is the fact it's apparently popular. Shower Guy then takes his towel off and nameless girl laughs

Next we go to the party, where Jess' mother and Nanny Pat bring out a cake of a pair of tits with the candles on the nipples. I'm serious. I do not understand anything that happens on this show. The show then spends the next few minutes jumping and freezing for no real reason so I miss like the next two scenes since I can understand even less then usual. What I do see is this guy in the middle of the dance floor. Why is there a dude with a saxophone in the middle of the dance floor while there is a DJ at the party? I do not know, but I hope the guy goes on to become this guy

Lauren P and Warren G talk about Mark. I think they've switched characters now, since the other one was engaged to Mark before. Kirk and Joey talk women "Girls are proper mind games!" Joey says "They just want to mess wif ya mind!" They then talk about short names, like William shortened is Bill and Richard shortened is Dick. Joey completely fails to understand any of this

Mark turns up and he goes to talk to Lauren or Warren G. I have no idea which is which at this point. Mark lays it all on the line about how they gave everything to each other and it didn't work, and they are trying to be friends. People are talking to each other but I really don't know who they are or why they have problems but everyone seems to have problems with each other. Things get brought up that seem to have happened before but it falls apart to arguing and it's fucking shit. This show is fucking shit. I am fucking done. Fuck everything

Made in Chelsea Episode 4 - The One Where Nothing Interesting Happens For Me To Make A Joke In The Title

Once I finish this episode I'll be halfway through the series. So if in about 2 weeks time I'll be finished with this and never have to watch it again. Wait no, season 2 has been announced for a few months time. Will I watch it? PROBABLY NOT

Title Card and then on we go. We start with Spencer and Hugo playing Tennis and they talk about the charity auction, then Francis' assistant and they decide to have a game of poker with Francis and Frederik to find out more about her. It's nice that the show gives us two characters at the start of every episode talking about the main premise of the episode in case the people watching are too stupid to know what is actually happening on the screen. It would be better if done with some subtlety instead of the characters saying "This is literally going to happen" though

Rosie and Millie talk about Hugo, and Millie wants to be sure Rosie is ok with her going on a date with Hugo. It's great that the show decides that Amber is a fucking awful character and so gets Millie to tag along with other people now. Caggie is there too, and apparently she invited Thunder out to lower the awkwardness between them. Thunder admits she dresses up as Wonder Woman for Spencer and I see through this obvious ruse to get the nerd crowd into it. We're nerds, reality TV show, we are easily pleased by everything except obvious pandering!

Francis and Frederik are playing polo. FUCK! They went rowing, now polo. If in the next episode they eat caviar out of the carcass of a swan they just shot then they may as well wear a badge that says "UPPER CLASS" They talk about Francis' assistant, and for some reason Francis has a lot of pictures of his intern on his phone. Spencer calls him then, they agree to play poker and the camera sticks on Spencer and Hugo talking about Caggie. Everyone talks to everyone else except the people who they have problems with so nothing ever gets resolved. Then Thunder invites the girls to a model party

Ollie then whines to Binky about his relationship ending with Gabriella and how he has to find his happiness again. He then admits that he broke up with Gabriella because he is bi. "I know" is Binky's response. I fucking knew that from the first second I saw him. Literally everyone in the fucking world could take one look at him and know that. If Binky, who thought Charles Dickens wrote Winnie the Pooh, can tell you are bi then there is nobody dense enough to not know this. This is not a shock to anyone

Francis is getting a suit fitted, because he's rich you see, and he's talking to his intern, Agne. Why is his intern just sitting there watching a man size him for a suit instead of working? I don't know. I don't think she actually does anything but get him points for hiring an immigrant. Then this FUCKING FUCKHEAD from the first episode comes in and talks to Francis. "I shop in London and Milan and sometimes Paris" he says in his drony voice and I want to kick him in the teeth. Everything about him makes me want to punch him. The three of them talk, and eventually the prick leaves. "Is he some kind of Prince?" asks Agne and FUCK NO THIS SCENE IS OVER

Rosie and Hugo are having tea and Rosie has a video of Thunder doing a Charlie's Angels type video which we watch. It is weird. "That is fucking comic!" Hugo exclaims in a really extravagant way, like he is the first person to ever find something funny. They talk about Spencer being jealous and possesive, or "protective" as Hugo spins it. They then talk about the auction, and Hugo says he wishes Rosie won instead and how he doesn't want to go on a date with Millie. Way to be subtle, shithead

Next we go to Thunder's rehearsal studio and I FUCKING CALLED IT ABOUT HER BEING A WRESTLER! We are also introduced to this guy - now I paused the recording to get the picture but I'm guessing he is gay. Just putting it out there now. Spencer comes in and starts watching these scantily clad women dance. In an unrelated note, I think Spencer is gay as well. He and Thunder talk about her job (as a dancer, not a wrestler) and Spencer starts being obsessive about it. I think Thunder was meant to be a prostitute for this to work, but it was deemed too risque so she is a background dancer instead. It doesn't really work too well, and the whole scene is there to make Spencer seem insecure. What the fuck ever, asshole

Hugo and Millie go on their date to a sushi making class. I fucking swear she drops some down her top and asks Hugo to fish it out for her. SUBTLETY MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS!? We then go back to Spencer and Thunder arguing about her job again. They are going to break up, aren't they? They spend all this time building up the triangle with Caggie and now it's over they are going to break up. WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT!? Binky goes to see Gabriella, who is playing the piano and singing how you have to fight for love. The first step to getting over being dumped by a gay guy, I guess. Gabriella starts crying. That's it. Back at the date, it's really fucking boring because Millie can't act

Next we have the poker game being played by the four most boring people alive. Agne the intern is the dealer, and I have no idea why. She is the fucking intern for fucks sake! Caggie meets Millie to talk about the date with Hugo, and they talk about how good they think he is in bed. We then get various scenes of Caggie and Millie being boring, the boring poker game and Ollie and Binky at a spa talking about Ollie liking cock, and Cheska with Gabriella also talking about Ollie not liking cock. Ollie then calls Gabriella and agrees to meet up and talk things out. All of the events I mentioned in this paragraph took up about ten minutes of the show and absolutely nothing worth mentioning happened

Thunder, Spencer, Hugo, Rosie and Thunder's gay friend are out having breakfast. Or dinner. It's light out, so it's clearly the next day, but they are drinking wine. Drinking wine early in the morning seems less of a rich thing to do and more a brazen alcoholic deal. Regardless of the time this event takes place, it's really fucking dull. Hugo eventually gets a text message but he doesn't say who it's from. QUICK GUYS! IT'S BEEN AN EPISODE WITHOUT A BORING LOVE TRIANGLE! BETTER SORT THIS SHIT OUT

That night everyone is at an art exhibition for some reason. A cheap attempt to show how rich and classy they are, I guess. Meanwhile, Gabriella is doing a sound check at some place for some reason. It's never really explained what she does. Ollie turns up. Back at the art exhibition BECAUSE WATCHING A GIRLS' HEART BE BROKEN BECAUSE THE PERSON SHE IS IN LOVE WITH IS GAY AND IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT WOULD BE TERRIBLE TO WATCH, Francis talks to this woman. Apparently she is the artist whose exhibition this is. She says he has "geek chic" which, just so you know, doesn't exist. We go back to Ollie and Gabriella, and he spills the beans in a really long winded way. I think she gets it though

Spencer tells Rosie about the text Hugo got, more disregard of the bro code. Spencer tries to talk Rosie to get with Hugo together while elsewhere Hugo is making moves on Millie. The show then ends with Hugo and Millie kissing. On the preview for the next episode we have Hugo in a love triangle and I think Spencer breaksup with Thunder. Love triangles and break ups - man, being rich clearly sucks

Made In Chelsea Episode 3 - The One With The Dog Therapist

It's Monday, I just watched last nights Curb Your Enthusiasm and Breaking Bad, and I just ate a teacake. Let's do this

We start with a round up of the last episode, which isn't interesting in any way. Here is the title card, because Spencer is a twat. We start with CJ, who we met in the last minutes of the last episode, cleaning a gun. I hope he's the character who goes on a rampage and kills everyone. Caggie comes along and they are going fox hunting or something

Meanwhile, Francis gets a massage while his foreign intern tells him his schedule. If he was really a high power business man trying to bang his intern it would be her giving him a massage. Francis says he wants to get a pet penguin and if Agne knows where to get one. I think this is an attempt at flirting with her, although I definitely know that I hate him. Back at the shooting range, Rosie and Hugo turn up, then Spencer and Thunder turn up too. Hugo and Spencer make up, so last episode's cliffhanger gets made irrelevant three and a half minutes into the next episode. Great

Caggie is looking at some fish when Millie starts talking to her. She is also here despite not apparently turning up at any time. Meanwhile, Ollie and Binky play air hockey. Yes, Ollie is playing air hockey indoors while wearing a scarf. They talk about Gabriella, and they agree relationships are a lesson in life. Huh? Ollie says the point of relationships is to make yourself as happy as possible, then gets doubts over the relationship. He does this in two sentences, because he's a fucking idiot

Spencer Hugo and Thunder meet with CJ and Caggie and they talk about who is the best shot. Thunder says Spencer is very competitive, Spencer says he isn't and Caggie bursts out laughing. Thunder then gives her an evil look, but seems to hold herself back from powerslamming her through the table. "He's been talking himself up for the past two days" Hugo says, seconds after Spencer said he got invited here at the last minute. Are they changing continuity between sentences now!?

Francis meets with two people who have their names spoken but not a subtitle so I have no idea who they are and don't care enough to go back and listen again. They want to do a charity event with Francis, and says his motto is "Gain as much as you can, earn as much as you can, give as much as you can" I think he should spend his acting time holding a globe while getting his portrait done because he is the fucking worst actor on this show, if Millie didn't exist. Oh wait, we do get their names, minutes after they come on screen. I thought the cast was a bit big after the first episode but they just keep adding more people to it

The girls talk Francis to hold an auction for blind people. I mean, the charity they are raising money for is for blind people. Blind people at an auction would just get ripped off pretty quickly. The two girls try to talk Francis into auctioning off classic shoes, because young people don't want to buy art or diamonds. That is because young people are fucking stupid. Agne is in this entire scene, the camera lingers on her while other people are talking, but she doesn't say a word. Thanks for showing up, love

Spencer and CJ talk about Caggie. Fuck the pair of them. Back with Francis, they are talking about gimmick dinners with celebrities in character. The girls say Francis could be Harry Potter, when I called that shit a long time ago. Stop reading my blog for script ideas! Agne finally gets a line,saying they should auction off men. Christ, if this show turns into an anti-patriachy soap then I wouldn't know what to believe. Agne then asks for a pay rise, although I'm not sure if she's asking Francis in character or the creators of this show out of character

While the guys are not shooting birds, Rosie tells Millie she is taking her dog to a dog therapist. WHAT!? FUCK YOU LADY! Millie complains about Frederik, although not because he smells of hemp, and says that Hugo is the ideal guy. How? How can anyone look at Hugo and think "Yeah, that guy is fucking ideal" Spencer and Hugo then talk about Caggie, because out of all the issues that could happen in the world when the show was being filmed the number one conversation topic of this show is fucking Caggie

Later, Francis is at a business dinner. With his intern. He is the worst boss in existence. He complains about the two charity girls being useless, then says that Agne is under him and should tell him about any ideas she has away from everyone else. Yes, the two of them do play on the term "under you" as if to imply sex, but the two of them seem so bored when they are doing it. "Business is the warfare of the modern age, and I'm a general" says Francis Mussolini

Back at the shooting place, CJ goes up and we watch a montage of him shooting and killing birds while everyone else is impressed. Spencer then just misses blowing his foot off, which makes this the worst hunting trip ever. "Business is a jungle, but I am an animal lover" says Francis. I bet he thinks he's King Fuck of Shit Mountain with all these little phrases he has. Agne asks him what kind of animal she is "A fox. You're quite strategic" is his response. "Do you think I'm foxy?" she asks "I think you are a good employee" is his response. At this point I feel like I could give him tips on how to talk to women, fucking hell

"Most people think of me as another Eastern European whore" Agne says, showing the darker side of her personality. "Well I don't think you're a whore" Francis says. This is going to become Pretty Woman except with worse acting, a terrible script and I'm actually watching it, isn't it? Back at the shooting range, Spencer is keeping up with CJ in shooting, and the show makes this out to be a tense situation to see who is better, except nobody fucking cares. Spencer wins, and starts gloating

At Ollie's apartment, Gabriella shows up and she talks with Ollie about something, except she speaks too quietly for me to hear so I imagine they talk about video games. Hugo then sits down with Millie and Rosie except HE ENDS UP LOOKING RIGHT AT THE CAMERA YOU FUCKING DOLT. He keeps doing it throughout the scene, lingering at the camera for a few moments at a time. Oh man this is all I'm going to see now, isn't it? The three of them talk about Amber, who Hugo finally has a date with. Spencer and Caggie then talk, and it's fucking boring. Thunder then comes along, and drags Caggie away for a talk. POWERBOMB HER!

They talk about Spencer and it's still fucking boring. Thunder tries to get to the bottom of the relationship between Caggie and Spencer, although I don't know why because it's really fucking dull. Thunder then confronts Spencer about using Caggie as a back up plan if their relationship doesn't work out. He says he's an honest person, despite lying for every episode so far

Next, Millie is doing make up at a photoshoot when Caggie turns up. I think some time is meant to have passed between this scene and the last one but the show fails to show this in any way. Great. They talk about Hugo's date with Amber, and Caggie says she thinks he might be interested in Rosie. Millie, the one who is interested in Hugo but is currently dating Frederik, is upset by this. Fuck this is boring. Elsewhere, Rosie takes her dog to the dog therapist and suddenly I long for everyone talking about Caggie or complicated love dodechehydrons

Hugo and Amber go on a date, and it goes. I don't really pay enough attention to tell you how it goes, but I am very aware it goes. FUCK THIS SCENE! YOUR DOG IS CALLED NOODLE MAYBE THATS WHY IT IS SO FUCKING DEPRESSED! The therapist then says Rosie's dog is lonely because Rosie is lonely. Rosie being lonely is why she bought the dog in the first place, so it's an ouroborous of boredom. Millie keeps talking to Caggie about Hugo and Caggie calls her Camlilla McIntosh SO SHE IS THE SECRET CAMILLA MCINTOSH FROM THE FIRST EPISODE THEN WHY DOES EVERYONE CALL HER MILLIE IF HER NAME IS CAMILLA FUCK

At Hugo and Amber's date, Rosie turns up because apparently her dog therapist is also her driver? Amber then gets a call and apparently she works with Millie or Camilla or whatever her fucking name is. Rosie then talks to Hugo about the dog therapist and it was bad enough having to watch it happen, never mind having to hear about it second hand as well. Cheska and Gabriella are shopping and Gabriella complains that she thinks she is losing Ollie. I mean sure he has an air hockey table in his house but apart from that he is a massive twat

Caggie then meets Hugo, who seems to be moving through every woman on the show in this episode. They talk about Hugo's date with Amber, even though we already watched it. If you want to know my opinion of this scene then just check out the woman in he background. She is my animal spirit. Next we are at the auction which is on a boat, just in case you weren't aware yet of how decadant everyone in this show is

Caggie Millie and Rosie are talking about Hugo being auctioned tonight, and I start praying slave traders win. Spencer and Thunder turn up. Binky Cheska and Gabriella talk about Ollie not turning up yet. Francis thanks everyone for turning up and the other two women take over, bringing a third person out of fucking nowhere. Coming to our charity auctions and taking our microphones! David Cameron should sort them out! Cheska buys one of the guys on auction, and when Hugo turns up Millie and Rosie compete for him, with Millie or Camilla winning after spending £400 on him. Jesus lady, I hope you got a receipt

Ollie turns up wearing a Union Jack waistcoat for some unknown fucking reason, Millie calls Hugo a spatula instead of a bachelor and I pray for this to end, the show or my life. Ollie talks to Binky and decides to break up with Gabriella. Does he know nothing about charity!? The three girls talk to Francis "When we met you we thought OMG this isn't going to work" says one of them and I fucking hate whoever said this. Sadly they were introduced this episode and had their names on screen twice and will probably never be on again so I have no idea which one said it. Francis laughs at it though, the fucker. They pat each other on the back for the night, and one of them says "blates" instead of blatently and I want to die

Oh wait, now we have Spencer and Caggie talking about their feelings for each other! My desire for death is amplified! They argue and Caggie storms off. Ollie turns up, grabs Gabriella away and they break up. This is meant to be heartfelt, but Ollie doesn't explain why he wants to break up and Gabriella complains that she gave everything and he doesn't care so she ends up sympathetic here. Sadly she'll probably disappear from the show now too, since having sympathetic characters is not a good idea in this show. The episode ends then, and in the next episode preview we have Thunder wearing a dominatrix outfit. A gimmick change!? MY GAWD!

Made In Chelsea Episode 2 - Nobody Will Ever Be Happy Again

Is today Thursday already? Why did I agree to do this? At least Geordie Shore was entertaining with how bad it is, not boring me to fucking tears like this show. Welp, here we go...

We start with a recap on what happened on the last episode, although if the last episode is anything to go by THEY'LL SPEND THIS EPISODE TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LAST FUCKING EPISODE. "This is my first girl about town blog, it's really important" "Of course it is!" FUCK YOU CHESKA AND BINKY FUCKING FUCK YOU

Anyways, this is our title card. If you can remember who Millie is then congrats, you are paying far more attention to this show then I am. We start with Amber and Rosie buying clothes. Rosie is throwing a dinner party for some reason, and I guess this is the big stage for the episode. I bet it fucking sucks. The two girls talk about the dinner party while Rosie tries to devour my soul and Amber buys a cape. Fuck! We're less then a minute and a half in and someone has bought a cape!

Next, we go to Hugo's workplace where Caggie and Millie are there talking with him about the dinner party. Rosie calls Hugo to confirm he and his friends are going to her dinner party. How do all these people know each other? It's sort of implied they all know each other but I have no idea how or why. Actually, forget I asked that, knowing my luck it will end up they all grew up together in an orphanage but then got amnesia so they forgot but then they remembered again

Caggie Millie and Hugo talk about Spencer's girlfriend FUCK THAT IS LITERALLY ALL YOU DID ON THE LAST EPISODE and Millie google's her. I don't think google works that way. WAIT WHAT THE FUCK GOOGLE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY WHAT KIND OF BIZARRE REALITY IS THIS YOU CAN'T TYPE SOMEONE'S NAME AND YOU GET MODELLING PICTURES OF PEOPLE WHO AREN'T CELEBRITIES WHAT THE FUCK!?

They then talk about Spencer liking Caggie and it's really boring and what the fuck does Hugo even do for work? What kind of work allows him to sit and chat about the boring shit in his life with two fucking idiots? We then cut away to Spencer and his girlfriend talking about Caggie, again something that happened last episode. I actually did some research on this show, and it ends up this isn't a reality show at all! It's a "reality soap" What the fuck that means, I have no clue

At Rosie's dinner party Hugo and Amber congratulate her on the venue. Rosie then admits she did no work. Of course she didn't, she's nouveau riche. Rosie leaves to mingle and I groan in anticipation of Hugo and Amber talking about fucking Facebook again. Instead, Amber agrees to go to lunch with Hugo. "I don't like that, it's kind of the friend zone" Hugo complains, the fucking twat. "We enter the lunch road and maybe we'll head onto the dinner highway" says Amber, as if she is reading straight from the script of Juno

Francis shows up now, and shows why he should be fucking rowing or getting his portrait taken while holding a globe and not wearing glasses. He calls Millie Caggie by accident and tries to pull off a Hugh Grant "oh bother, I am a bit of a befuddler!" vibe but instead comes across as a creepy stalker. I knew we had something in common. Caggie is late so Millie calls her up, but I have no idea what the fuck they are saying. You know the 30 Rock joke where Jenna's movie is called the Rural Juror but nobody can tell it's called because Jenna pronounces it "The Ruur Juur"? That is literally their entire phone conversation

Binky Cheska Amber and Rosie are talking. The first line is "So I saw your blog" and I refuse to pay attention to this scene out of principle. Spencer and his girlfriend turn up, then Caggie does at exactly the same time and everything gets awkward. Sadly, the awkward silences are far more enjoyable then anyone in this show talking so I savour this like it's my last breath alive. It honestly sounds like Spencer's girlfriends name is "Thunder" and I can't help but think she is a wrestler. Dinner then starts but I'm just imagining myself powerbombing everyone through tables to pay too much attention

Ollie is there and he says its his birthday. He says he's 24 WHAT THE FUCK I'M OLDER THEN THIS CLOWN JESUS CHRIST and tells everyone they should do something cool for his birthday. You know what I did for my 24th birthday? I got drunk with my friends. What does Ollie suggest? "We should all go to Morroco" FUCK! Caggie starts complaining to Millie and Hugo she feels horrible about meeting Spencer's girlfriend. Who fucking gives a shit "I really don't want to be here" Caggie whines. She doesn't explain if it's because she's in love with Spencer and it hurts seeing him with someone else or if it's because she doesn't want to get in the way of their relationship

Francis then leaves the dinner party to find Caggie. It looks more like a TA meeting some students at Eton rather than him trying to hit on Caggie. Dude looks ridiculous. Caggie leaves, Millie tells Francis Caggie isn't interested in him. He then starts sulking. Way to be mature, dickhead. Ollie's girlfriend (what is her name?) asks Ollie if he wants to go skiing with her for his birthday. He pressures her into letting everyone else come along with them. So instead of going to Morroco they go skiing. FUCK

Thunder then sits next to Caggie for some reason. The reason won't be to challenge her to a cage match at the next Pay per view, but I live in hope. They continue their awkward talk from before while Hugo and Spencer seem to think there is a threesome at the end of this road. Caggie and Millie then go back and forth for a bit - Caggie wants to go home but Millie wants her to stay. "I want to go" "No, you should stay" "I really don't want to be here" "You have to stay" "I really need to get out of here" STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! Caggie then leaves and cries in the taxi home. If you take out the taxi and the leaving you get me watching this show

The next morning we have MOTHERFUCKER! Then someone called...Agna? Agma? Fuck, I can't tell what her name is and the show does not do a good job in letting me know. Regardless, she is the new intern. Oh what luck is it that Francis, freshly rejected by a blonde, has a new blonde intern working for him? This is like Hollyoaks, except with worse acting somehow

Caggie then goes to Hugo's apartment to talk about last night. You don't have to talk about last night. We watched the whole thing. There is nothing else about it we don't already know. We do get a new tidbit - after she left the dinner party, Spencer texted her saying he was confused. Hugo says Spencer is being selfish, clearly forgetting about bros before hos. He then sends another message as the two are talking saying Caggie looked amazing last night. This is incredible, as her phone didn't even go off at all! Man, these reality soaps are the fucking future!

Hugo tells Caggie to drop it and move on, which is sound advice and also means the show can start moving towards something that could possibly resemble something interesting. I doubt this will happen. Meanwhile, at Ollie's apartment, he's with Gabriella who finally gets her own name. This is her first credited acting role since dying at the end of Moonraker so I'm very happy for her. They are packing for their skiing holiday, and Gabriella seems to be unaware that Cheska and Binky, who are talking elsewhere AT THE SAME TIME, are also going skiing with them. If I was going on a romantic holiday with my significant other (I'll wait for you to stop laughing) I'd be pissed if two of their friends came along. Even if I was going to the shops though I'd be furious if Cheska and fucking Binky were tagging along

Cheska at least has the decency to feel like she is intruding on their romantic getaway. Not Binky though! "We're going to make it better!" she says, unaware the only thing she can make better is an obituary. Ollie then doesn't tell Gabriella that his two idiot friends are coming, so I can smell the first break up of the series! Elsewhere, Hugo is with Spencer and starts laying down some stats for his ass! "What are you doing!? Stop with the bullshit! I've seen the messages you sent her, what the fuck is wrong with you!?" he cries. Spencer continues to not to choose which girl he likes more and I can see this boring shit dragging on forever. Wonderful

That night, Caggie goes to meet Spencer BECAUSE SHE'S A FUCKING STUPID GODDAMN AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. Meanwhile, in France! Ollie and Gabriella are in the hot tub, and Gabriella does a complete 180 from the last episode and starts complaining that he doesn't treat her like she is her girlfriend. Women, am I right fellas!? No seriously, am I right, I honestly have no idea. Caggie meets Spencer on a bridge in Waterloo and I instantly start praying for a murder suicide. Caggie tries to shut Spencer down, he starts going on about how much he loves her, she leaves. You go girl! Back at the hot tub, Cheska and Binky show up and Gabriella is angry but lies to their faces, which I can get behind

Next morning, the four of them sit around on a ski slope and talk about boys. Well, one of them doesn't. If you thought it was Ollie then you're wrong, Gabriella sits there and simmers angrily. Ollie tries to get her to go ski, she refuses saying "When I think about it I get so scared that I cry" THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SUGGEST YOU GO SKIING THEN YOU STUPID FUCKING SHITHEAD! Frederik then calls Francis on the phone and Francis opens the conversation with "You ok broseph?" and it is the whitest thing you have ever heard. Nerdcore has got nothing on the whiteness Francis exudes out of every pore. Millie is getting ready for her date with Frederik, as apparently she is the one Frederick got a date with last time. Whatever. Caggie is helping her get ready but its really fucking boring. Apparently Frederik is a model? Jesus, who can pay attention to this?

We then go back to Gabriella complaining about her relationship with Ollie to Cheska. We go back to Francis and his new assistant, who seems as surprised at I am by her own name. Francis tells her to renew his passport as he'sgoing to New York, she says she likes New York and he invites her along. SHE IS A FUCKING INTERN WHO HAS BEEN WORKING THERE ONE DAY WHY IS SHE FLYING TO NEW YORK AREN'T WE LIVING THROUGH A RECESSION HERE!? FUCK! Amber comes in, and Agne introduces herself to her. Why, you are the fucking intern! Amber describes her as a "fiesty minx" and uuurrrrrggghhhhh I just want it to stop, I just want all life to stop right now. They talk about Hugo, as he keeps asking Amber out on a date. "Honestly, you are out of his league" Francis says to her. DO RICH PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND THE BRO CODE OR SOMETHING!? HOW CAN HE CALL FREDERIK BROSEPH AND YET NOT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE BRO CODE!?

Back in France, Ollie complains to Binky about his relationship with Gabriella. Back in Chelsea, Millie is waiting for Frederik to turn up for the date but he is already there, and there is absolutely no way she will not be able to see him from where she is sitting. I don't think busking is a good first impression either. The two of them flirt, and Frederik says "In irony lies truth" so I refuse to pay attention to this date and any other scenes involving the date

Spencer and Thunder are out and talking about Caggie because they are boring people. Spencer then sells Caggie down the river, by telling Thunder Caggie has feelings for him and he is the one who said they should give each other some space. We go back to the date which I ignore completely. Back in France and the four girls are sitting around. Ollie apologises to Gabriella for being whiny, she does the same. Gabriella gives him a present except I have no fucking clue what it is, he seems happy. Binky and Cheska give him a one piece. No, not the DVD (it would have redeemed the show in my eyes i that happened) but a woll one piece to wear...I don't know where you'd wear it, but the possibility of being able to wear it are high

We go back to Millie and Frederik's date, and I just want to say it was a lunch date but it's now dark out. This means they had a lunch date for around six or so hours. They then go back to Frederik's hotel room. The next morning Caggie Rosie and Millie are talking about Millie's date. Rosie doesn't get a line in the entire scene and the camera is barely on her. Thanks for showing up, love. Back in France, the four muskateers are hungover and Binky goes to get some shots after Cheska says they need "hair of the dog that bit them" Ollie points out that Binky should make sure there are no dog hairs in the drinks, and Binky asks why. That series of events happen in that exact order

When Binky is at the bar she meets some guy and the other three are surprised by this. Afterwards we get this. Maybe tell us this beforehand so we can be shocked too, the way it's done means we never understand the shock of him being here since we aren't aware of this at all. Binky then spends the entire scene talking to him laughing, and I'm not sure if it's part of her character or because she is a terrible actor

Caggie and Hugo are talking about Spencer, and Hugo brings his friend called CJ to set the two of them up. BROS BEFORE FUCKING HOS WHY DOES NOBODY IN CHELSEA FOLLOW THIS!? We go back to France where it's dark and the three are worried that Binky hasn't turned up yet. If it ends up she died on the slope I wouldn't be too upset. Back with Caggie, Hugo leaves to get another drink and CJ asks Caggie how he knows Hugo. "I don'tknow!" is the reply. HOW DO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE FUCKING KNOW EACH OTHER!? Back in France, Binky turns up, alive sadly, and she brings her ex with her to Ollie's birthday meal. Binky's ex sounds like a northern Clive Owen. Ollie and Cheska are a bit apathetic towards him, and Binky's ex admits some wrong doings in the past but he's a changed man now. Did he used to beat her? That would make him my favourite character on the show

Back in London, Hugo is still at the bar (he's been there a while) and Spencer walks in. UH OH! Spencer gets angry at Hugo for...I don't know. He views this as a betrayal by Hugo, they argue a bit and Spencer leaves in a huff. The episode then ends on a fucking terrible cliffhanger. There was also a preview of the next episode and SPOILERS its all about Caggie and Spencer again. Fuck yes, this shit hasn't been run into the ground at all!

Made in Chelsea Episode 1 - The souls of the tormented scream at me from beyond the ether "Made in Chelsea"

One thing that I will not have anyone say about me is that I am a believer in the North/South divide in the UK. Regardless of which side of the UK you live in, there are a large collection of fucking annoying dickheads, and I will prove this today. After binging through all of Geordie Shore to give the northern side, I will now digest Made in Chelsea, the south side of the country

Another reality TV show following a collection of people as they live their lives and some such nonsense. I actually had a vague impression of Geordie Shore before I watched it, but I'm going into this completely blind. I think by the end of the episode I probably will wish I'm blind, but this is just my early hypothesis - the only way to find out the facts is by watching it

"You may have heard rumours that Chelsea is an exclusive world of royals, aristocrats and playboys. Where the gossip is as startling as the prices. Well, it's all true! And I'd know. I'm *I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO SPELL HER FUCKING NAME! It sounds like Caggie Dunnal but unless the show actually spells it out for me I'm swinging in the dark* and this is my world!" is the very first thing I hear. In the background are a bunch of attractive people sitting around drinking champagne on a boat or buying clothes. Is this show about a bunch of spoilt rich kids going around being fabulous? Because fuck whoever told me to watch it if that is the case

"Business is the warfare of the modern age, and I'm a general" says another guy whose name I don't know. I think in the first minute we've hit at least over double figures when it comes to characters. Since all the women are blonde and all the men could easily be replaced with a guy in a giant costume that spells out "asshole" it might be a bit difficult to tell the difference between them all

We go back to Caggie's monologue "You might say we have it all, but having whatever you want makes choosing much more tricky" FUCKING SERIOUSLY LADY!? WHO THE FUCK ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS YOU ENTITLED FUCKING BITCH!? IN ONE FUCKING SENTENCE YOU'VE ALREADY ANNOYED ME MORE THAN THE ENTIRITY OF GEORDIE SHORE! YES, EVEN WORSE THAN HOLLY! "In Chelsea, the truth is more fabulous than fiction" she continues "This is our life"

Right, a name! The girl on the left here is Amber. She is at a party. This is Francis. He is also at the party. If the show is going to throw everyone at me at once at this fucking party I'll be pissed. At least make them do something! Don't just show them walking around a party as an introduction! I'll never remember their faces or names that way! Do you even know how to make a TV show!? Amber starts talking to a girl, and Francis comes along and we find out the girl is called Rosie

The three of them talk. It seems Amber has thrown the party, there's jewelry on display, and Francis asks after Caggie then leaves. I had to watch this happen, so you have to read about it. The burden of boredom is shared between us. So far, this whole thing feels far too scripted to be a reality TV show, so I'm now going to treat this as a sitcom. The worst sitcom ever, since sitcoms are about how you relate to the characters and not many can relate to a bunch of spoilt rich brats

Next up, we get Caggie herself! She is talking to her friend, Milly. They are talking about boys, and acting upon flirts by them. You may think when it comes to describing what these people are doing I'm using short sentences, but that is literally all we get from them. They talk for less than 8 seconds about boring shit and it cuts away to the next losers, like Spencer and Hugo. Spencer talks about how he wants to hook up with Caggie. That's it, as we cut away to Caggie and Milly talking about some guy who they don't name, and how much he likes Caggie. But he has a girlfriend, but Caggie invites him to the party anyways

We cut back to Spencer and Hugo, and Caggie sent him the text! By him I mean Spencer. This is neither important nor is it interesting, which I guess is why it is on a show about rich kids doing nothing. Hugo gives Spencer shit because he replies to the text in a nonchalant way when moments before he said he really liked Caggie. We cut back to Caggie and Amber, who are talking about going to Amber's party. YOU WERE JUST AT AMBER'S PARTY, YOU SPENT YOUR ENTIRE INTRODUCTION THERE, WHY ARE YOU NOW GOING TO A PARTY YOU WERE ALREADY AT!? Wait, no, it's not Caggie and Milly, it's Cheska and Binky, two people who look identically to Caggie and Milly! If it ends up they are twins of each other I will flip the fuck out

Back at the party, Francis is talking to his clearly stoner friend Fredrik. Finally, a character I can relate to! He talks to Francis about digging for diamonds in Madagascar. Not Francis personally, I'm sure he has slave labour camps to do that for him. Mr Kurtz then talks to his stoner buddy about Caggie. Ends up everyone wants to hook up with her. The trials and tribulations of being young, attractive and rich. I'd be happy enough being just one of those three, or failing that, just being dead

Cheska and Binky HAVE STUPID FUCKING NAMES I AM GOING TO GET SICK OF TYPING OUT REALLY FUCKING QUICKLY meet the guy at the door to the party. He is called Ollie. Why is a skinny metrosexual with an open shirt being the bouncer to an exclusive party? Because it's Chelsea, fool, and there is never any trouble there! It ends up Cheska and/or Binky work for a magazine of some kind and that's why they are here. Or maybe not, I don't really know. They say things and it sounds important, like it shows personality or character, but it's quickly ignored so people can be rich and attractive. You know, important aspects

Spencer and Hugo turn up, and they talk to Caggie and Milly about something happening tomorrow. Caggie invites them along, because progressing a story is the chief concern to a reality TV show. I keep bringing this up, but everything about this show is fake. The people are some of the most insincere shitheads I've ever had the misfortune to watch by other people so I could make a blog post about it. Everything in the show feels scripted, except it's like the people in it have only read the script moments ago and only learned how to read moments before that. Every line feels like a fresh take and it's hurridly edited together. They don't talk loud enough to hear them properly over the music, not that it matters since the bits I do catch are the most boring shit in existence. Nothing is real, everything is gay

Even having these four sitting around a table joking on with each other feels forced. How is that possible? Caggie is doing something tomorrow in public, something potentially embarrassing, and the other three tease her for it. This is the most basic thing in the world. You probably do this to people you know every single day, and yet these people make it seem like it's the most difficult task possible. They wait a moment after someone finished speaking to say their line, nobody interupts or starts talking at the same time someone else does. Nobody laughs either - sure in this case it's because it's not fucking funny, but the other people have no reaction to the person talking except this dead eyed smile

Cheska or Binky, the one who works for a magazine, talks to a guy about his turn ons and turn offs. "Topshop is a turn off. It is not allowed under any circumstances whatsoever!" he says. I hate him the most already. Not because he disses Topshop, but because he manages to nail smug self satisfaction with everything he has. Sadly, since this reality TV show is clearly scripted, I have to assume he is putting on an act and isn't this slimy and despisable in real life. He says his name is Mark but he doesn't get a title over his face, so I'm saying his name is Steve until the show tells me otherwise. The girl he's with (who says her name is Gabriella) shakes hands with Cheska or Binky (the one not from the magazine) when she turns up, and says sorry for not kissing her on the cheek. The guy then says "You're a girl, not a lesbian" and gives this horse laugh and I hate him so much. The girl who just turned up says she has to eat, his response was "Chelsea girls don't eat!" and when she says this one does he says "Thus the celulite!" and does his horsey laugh again. This is a really long paragraph, but the annoyance you had at reading it is the only way for me to accurately depict my hatred for this man

Hugo talks to Amber, and mentions he tried to add her on Facebook and complains that the friend request is still pending. She says she doesn't use Facebook, and he tells her to go onto Facebook and add him as a friend or else he'll be really upset. Is this show jumping between fake and real? Can I do the same? Can I assume these people are all fucking awful human beings, but they are being scripted to be awful human beings in the show? I think I can live with this compromise. Frederick is outside talking to someone who might have been introduced before but fuck if I can remember who. They flirt. That's it. We go back to Spencer and Aggie, who talk about Spencer's girlfriend. Spencer counters this by saying he has feelings for Caggie. Smooth move, Ferguson. We then go to adverts, and I want to point out it's been 15 minutes long so far out of 47

Next morning, Caggie and Milly are somewhere. Milly is hungover. They talk about Spencer and the deal with his girlfriend. Jesus Christ, I could do the entire episode like this because NOTHING IS FUCKING HAPPENING IT'S A BUNCH OF TERRIBLE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THEY TALKED ABOUT IN THE SCENE BEFORE. We then cut to Francis and Frederick at the fucking rowing club. I'm fucking serious. They are rowing. I actually said "No fucking way" out loud as this scene happened. This is the single best way to prove that these people are trying to portray that they are of higher class. Rowing. Fuck!

Next scene, Spencer goes to Hugo's apartment. "I feel disastrous today" Spencer complains "I feel like I've been run over several times" I could easily arrange that if he feels like he really does want to feel that. Spencer isn't happy that he feelslike he has to choose between Caggie and this girlfriend nobody has ever met. He then says he wouldn't cheat on his girlfriend "at the minute". Fuck! Hugo gives Spencer shit for being "a bright moral light for him to follow" and then Spencer gives Hugo shit because Amber still hasn't added Hugo as a friend on Facebook. They are using Facebook to create tension between two characters. FUUUUUUUUUCK! If he had used the Facebook thing as an ice breaker to start conversation with Amber, something jokey and not too serious, thats fine. No, their entire conversation last night was about Facebook and he is actually literally upset that she hasn't added him

I have half an hour left of this. I honestly have no idea if I can manage it

Francis and Fredrick have finished rowing (FUCK!) and are talking about the summer. They are both going to spend August in New York, just in case you weren't aware they were both rich. Francis says he wants to go to the Hampdens to play polo (FUUUUUUUUCK!) and also to hit up the party scene there. Frederick replies with, I fucking swear, "Totes man! Totes!" FUCK YOU! Someone called Camilla Macintosh texts Frederick to see Caggie do something on that day, Frederick and Francis agree to go. WHO THE FUCK IS CAMILLA MACINTOSH!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW!?

Cheska Binky and Ollie are in Binky's mum cottage on the outskirts of London. Cheska says she will never stand next to Amber "because she'll make me look like a heffalump!" Binky is confused by this but Ollie explains it's from Winnie the Pooh. "Oh, was it Eeyore? Or the little piglet!" Binky asks. Fucking Binky. What kind of name is Binky? Binky, you seem like the kind of person who googles your name so here - I FUCKING HATE YOU. Ollie asks who wrote Winnie the Pooh "Charles Dickens" Cheska replies. "No, he wrote Pride and Prejudice" Binky replies. SOMEONE FUCKING END THIS SCENE RIGHT NOW. Ollie points out he wrote Great Expectations and Oliver Twist. "Oh yeah! See, I am actually quite clever" Binky claims. I feel like I've aged at an incredible rate as this scene has went on

Amber and someone who doesn't get named in the scene but has been named before talk about how they hate fake tan and stripper heels "If it's not done in a cool way" SAYS THE GIRL WHO WEARS THIS FUCKING HAT! They talk about Cheska's blog. So she doesn't work for a magazine, she is just a blogger. This show is the most infuriating thing in existence. Her friend now gets named as Rosie, who was named right at the start and not mentioned at all for the past 20 minutes. Cool, way to go TV show! "I think she'll say the party had a Sex in the City, Carrie Bradshaw kind of vibe" Rosie says. Those words are meaningless. What you said literally does not make any sense. Amber then says the word "blogosphere" and I honest to God tried to reach through my laptop and strangle her. Fuck this scene, I refuse to comment on it anymore

Cheska and Binky are eating, and Ollie complains that since he works Fridays and Saturdays then he can only use Sunday as his date night. Thats it. The scene lasts less then 8 seconds. We cut away to a pub, and Caggie seems to be getting ready to sing. Spencer's girlfriend then shows up and her name is Funda. This would be the point I make fun of her name, but apparently she is from Brazil and so gets a pass. She sounds like everyone else when she talks though, so I'm keeping an eye on her. Funda grills Spencer about the night before (she was away or something?) and he hums and hahs through it all. His phone rings halfway through and urrrrgh this is fucking boring! It was Caggie, and she leaves a message saying she hopes he turns up. We then get a fucking montage of Spencer looking at his phone wistfully and Caggie looking into the mirror wistfully and me typing out of sheer despair. Not in the montage, just reality

This could have been a shit cliffhanger in around 3 or 4 episodes time. When we've met and known these charactes for around half an hour we don't care if he turns up or not. There is no tension here, there is no suspence. We know nothing about any of these characters aside from the fact they are utterly worthless human beings with lots of money and too much free time. There is no heart here, no empathy, no reason for anyone to give even the remotest shit about any of the people we've been introduced to. Their problems are the epitome of First World Problems. Any situation that arises with them is inconsequental, and if they moan and complain about being rich it just makes them even more irritating

At the pub, Milly and Frederick talk about fucking nothing. Cheska Binky and Ollie talk about his date, he leaves and then Cheska and Binky talk about her fucking blog. Fuck off. Ollie goes to his date with Gabriella, who was with that cockhead Mark (or Steve or whatever his name was) at the party. Ollie opens with "I'm pissed off. My hair used to be exceptional and now it's going downhill". Fuck off! Back at the pub, Caggie starts singing. She sings a song I recognise but not the name or who its by, but she sounds like Kate Nash so Caggie can go fucking die for all I care. We get Caggie singing over scenes from Ollie's date with Gabriella (boring) and her crowd listening, occasionly nodding their heads in approval (insincere) Spencer then turns up halfway through the song, and we get treated to more close ups of Caggie singing as well as Spencer watching Caggie singing

Gabriella opens up to Ollie on their date, saying she feels comfortable with him because they are both very similiar. Which is true, since they both like men. If Ollie does not have a tearful coming out of the closet episode then that will prove this show is fake. There is no way that man is straight. We cut back to the pub, and Francis gives Caggie a rose. "A rose for a rose" he explains. Now all I can think of is the War of the Roses, and how everyone in this show would be brutally killed on the battlefield if it was set in that time. Spencer turns up with Caggie's drink, and Francis beats a hasty retreat. Nobody gives a shit. Spencer takes Caggie out to dinner to make up for him being late, I struggle to continue watching

The next morning Caggie and her friend who is only ever on screen when Caggie needs someone to talk to talk about dinner last night. You know, instead of FUCKING SHOWING US! YOU SHOW OLLIE HAVING DINNER WITH GABRIELLA AND NOBODY GIVES A FUCK ABOUT HIM! WHEN THE MAIN CHARACTER ON YOUR SHOW GOES TO DINNER WITH A GUY YOU DON'T EVEN SHOW THAT!? wHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS!? The two girls talk about Spencer's girlfriend. Feel the deja vu? Yes, because they HAD THIS EXACT SAME CONVERSATION YESTERDAY IN THE EXACT SAME FUCKING PLACE GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

We cut back to Spencer's girlfriend grilling him on what he did last night. WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION YESTERDAY TOO! Spencer admits he went to see Caggie perform, his girlfriend says its not an issue but the fact he tries to hide it is an issue. He then accuses her of over-reacting, because he's a fucking idiot. Francis then gets a call from Rosie, a character I cannot remember, and they talk about last night. He holds a fucking globe in his hand while he is on the phone, like he's some kind of Bond villain. If you think him holding a globe on the phone is stupid, the reason behind it IS EVEN FUCKING WORSE

Spencer and Hugo go on a run and talk about Spencer's dinner with Caggie. I'm not interested at all and ignore it. Amber has a photoshoot now, for some reason. I think it's because she owns some sort of jewelry business? Just a heads up, I think it was mentioned she is 19. A 19 year old running a jewelry business. Welcome to Chelsea y'all! Rosie comes in and they talk about Cheska's blog giving her a good review. Sadly, the same can't be said about other blogs reviews. We then go to Cheska and Binky at Cheska's work WHICH IS A MAGAZINE THIS FUCKING SHOW! Cheska is worried that Amber may not like her blog. What kind of shitty blogger is worried about what the audience thinks? Wait, don't answer that

Spencer goes home and apologise to his girlfriend, and the show ends with his girlfriend insisting she meets Caggie. It ends then. FUCK THIS SHOW IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING IN EXISTENCE IT MAKES GEORDIE SHORE SEEM FAST PACED AND INTERESTING I DO NOT WANT TO WATCH THIS SHOW ANYMORE

Geordie Shore Magaluf Madness Part 2 - Where It Finally Ends

If you hold a mirror up to Geordie Shore then reality is the reflection you will get. In this scenario I am the mirror, and I am shattered into a million pieces. The image of reality and Geordie Shore is the same, splintered into a million pieces that distort any image within the mirror's view. Also Geordie Shore is a vampire or something so it won't be seen in the mirror. This may sound like a shit episode of the Twilight Zone, but this is my life, and just like what I wish would happen to my life, Geordie Shore will end soon

We start the episode with a recap, but it is fucking shit and boring and I hate it so we'll skip it. It's the morning after the big fight the guys and girls had, and Sophie wakes up with a naked dude in bed with her. "Virgin of the week!? I can't even last a day!" she whines. She should start watching anime to really understand what we go through. Vicky also bangs some dude, which she is shocked about since she doesn't do that. Losing inhibitions while on holiday? Say it ain't so!

Charlotte is unhappy that Gary, while angry at the girls for lying about staying in the house as are the rules, called Charlotte fat and ugly. "I think he is skinny and ugly and I hate him and he resembles a rat" she says, clearly showing she is not 6 years old. "Girls are for banging, not for arguing" James says, as the great Geordie Shore War of 2011 starts. It's girls versus boys, and nobody is getting out alive. Please tell me nobody gets out alive

Everyone goes to a pool party, even though there is a divide straight down the middle of gender. A divide straight down the middle of gender sounds like a Morrissey song. Regardless, Gary says he was "confused" at the amount of women there. I think it was more confusion at being spoilt for choice, not confusing as in he would rather spend the night making tender yet passionate love to James, although what do I know?

"I don't know why you have to kick off with the most flawed argument I've ever heard in my life" Vicky complains at the pool party. The argument is this - the girls said they'd stay in the house, as a rule is that there has to be at least two people in the house at all times. The guys went out, and when they got back the girls were gone. The guys were unhappy not only the girls lied to them, but because they are now going to get in trouble for their lies. The flaw, apparently, is that the guys can shag as many girls as they like, but when the girls do it the guys get angry. It would be a fair point if THAT WASN'T WHAT THIS WHOLE FUCKING ARGUMENT IS ABOUT

In the pool, Gary is shagging a woman and Charlotte says she feels sorry for him. YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HIM YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS LIE ABOUT THIS I HATE YOU. The pool party then has a wet t shirt contest, because this didn't happen at all on the last episode. "Who better for a wet t shirt contet then Holly?" Sophie asks. Anyone who doesn't utterly repulse me would be a good start. Holly starts the wet t shirt contest by taking her t shirt off and showing her tits to everyone, seemingly not understanding the idea of a wet t shirt contest

Charlotte celebrates with Holly for getting her tits out "Guys zero, girls two, Gary size zero!" she exclaims, proving that she is not obsessed with Gary but also thankfully dropping the whole parsnip thing. Everyone goes back home, and the place is a fucking pig sty. It is grody. Their boss then comes in, and he isn't happy about this. As punishment he makes everyone stay in tonight, little realising the person who is punished the most by this is me. Fuck you, guy whose name I've forgot

"I'm not going to stay in. Fuck that! I'm in fucking Magaluf and you expect me to stay in? Get a fucking grip!" Sophie complains. For some reason everyone goes out tonight anyways (???) and Gary apologises to Charlotte for saying she's ugly after she whines about it. She is either the most insecure person in existence or she is in love with Gary. Both option are correct at the minute. "I'm the coolest person on this island" Charlotte later says, not fooling anybody

Gary doesn't get anywhere with the women, Charlotte spends most of the night complaining that the guys aren't that good looking (which she did a lot in Newcastle too) and if you can't tell what happens next then you've never watched Geordie Shore and I'm really fucking jealous of you. Just kidding, she says no! "But I really regretted it!" Charlotte says. The guys bring 3 girls back to the house, so Gary goes off with Charlotte and fucks her anyways. But she said no beforehand so that was technically rape. I just watched Gary rape someone. I'm not even going to make a joke saying that it's alright because it's only Charlotte EVEN THOUGH THAT'S WHAT I'M THINKING

The last ones up are Jay, James and the three girls they brought back with them. Jay takes one of them to fuck, leaving James with the other two. James, the one who is always complaining that he needs to shag a bird in Magaluf. What does he do? If you thought "Go to bed and leave the two girls in the stranger's house by themselves" then congrats, you can think like a fucking idiot. Next morning, Charlotte cries in the bathroom because she had sex with Gary. He doesn't seem to care, probably because he's used to that situation happening. Vicky thinks that Gary has done something and they start arguing. Vicky has now had an argument with everyone on Geordie Shore

Vicky then comforts Charlotte, telling her that she isn't Gary's banker but he is Charlotte's banker. If we keep talking about bankers then I'm going to refer to Gary as Goldman Sach's, because he is fucking everything up. Sophie then comes in and asks Charlotte if she's washed her fanny yet and I have this sudden urge to kill myself

Everyone then goes on a booze cruise "I've been drunk on the land before but I've never been drunk on the sea!" Charlotte exclaims. If you fell over drunk on the land you'll probably hurt yourself and you'll look liked an idiot. If you fell over drunk on the sea you will probably drown. Stick to what works, people. James hits it off with a girl and they end up kissing a bit and everyone is happy for him. "I didn't know he could even pull a muscle" Vicky says. Listen idiot, it's harder than you think to pull a muscle. First you have to actually getmuscles. Who the fuck can do that!?

Since they can't go out tonight (but they could last night? I don't think they edited the show into the right order here) they call all the people they've pulled since they got here and had a party at the house. The guy Vicky was wanting to get into dives into the pool showing off, which puts her right off. "Heh, that idiot I invited having a good time at a party, this will teach him" she doesn't say but actually means. James then turns down the girl he met at the booze cruise, the one he got somewhere with, for a girl he got nowhere with the night before. This is probably the worst decision anyone has made with regards to this show, trumping even my decision to watch it

Greg ends up in a limo with three girls somehow, I don't fucking have a clue how. Even more surprising, he kisses two of the girls and gets two of the girls to kiss each other. All throughout the show he's followed through with his ideals of quality over quantity, and it pays off now. 8 episodes in with 10 minutes to go until it's all over. A little too late? Dude is going to have a foursome with 3 women. I can't hate on that. Congratulations Greg, as the Geordie Shore member who I hate the least, you have deserved this

Charlotte spends forever talking about her feelings and how confused she is and I faze out completely. I focus again and Charlotte has pulled Gary away and starts slagging him off. "To be fair I did listen to the first two sentences, then I just turned off" Gary explained, which is the exact same thing I did as well. Eventually Charlotte leaves, and when Gary returns the girl he was getting with has left. Waah waaah waaaaaaah

They all go back to the house, and Gary goes to bed by himself. My heart bleeds for him. Jay James and Greg still have a girl there, but the girls only want to play Charades. Fucking serious. The girls are sitting around the table playing charades while the guys look like they want to die. Jay eventually gets his girl out of there, and sex happens. Greg and James get their girls to the bedroom much later, except Holly is there too. The girls climb into bed with Holly and I start praying that Israel carpet bombs the house because FUUUUUUUCK

Next morning, everyone is packing and Holly says she loves everyone and they have such a family bond that is amazing. I have literally paid more attention to the people around her than she has. She is a fucking stupid shithead. The show ends with Gary admitting he likes Charlotte. THEN WHY FUCK AROUND WITH HER THE ENTIRE TIME YOU ARE THERE YOU STUPID FUCKING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Right, the show is over now. Forever, hopefully. There may be another season of Geordie Shore, but since that will have different people I will never see any of these people ever again. Sure, there is a chance of running into any of these people in Newcastle, but I'm praying that never happens. I hate each and every one of these people far more then I ever imagined it would be possible. That is all I have learned from this show

Geordie Shore Magaluf Madness Part 1 - A day late and a dollar short / my son is also named Bort

Alright, this is a day late because I couldn't find a torrent for it and also because I refused to sit in front of a 42 inch HDTV watching Geordie Shore. It would be like wiping my arse after an incredibly watery shit with the MonaLisa. You just do not do that sort of thing. Not to mention how awkward it is to rewind Sky + and also any screenshots would be from my phone, which doesn't actually work because my phone is an idiot

Talking of idiots, I hope you missed these ones in the 2 or 3 weeks since episode 6 aired on TV or a day in which I didn't post anything. I know some people have actually followed through and watched the entire series after my Geordie Shore round ups, and if you ignore me and everyone on Geordie Shore then they are the biggest idots of them all

"We're going to Magaluf!" Sophie exclaims at the start "I'm gonna shag a scruff!" she then continue, not really getting rap. Yes, all 8 of them are going to Magaluf for a period of time because ????? and then I watch it. I bet the twist at the end of this is that I have been in purgatory this entire time. "It's a new me!" Holly says. She is a ginger now. I didn't think I could hate her any more then I already did, but WELP! "When you split up with someone you always get new hair, don't you?" I wouldn't know, women can sense my worthlessness from a 3 mile radius

Everyone then agrees that this is really not going to go well since everyone was sick of each other by the end of the series. Charlotte and Gary aren't happy with each other, Jay and Vicky don't like each other, nobody likes Holly. It's almost as if MTV saw the last episode, decided that since everyone hated each other it was the best one and gave them a reason to fight some more. "There's no more birds in Newcastle, we've done them all" says Gary, maybe forgetting theres a lot of fat women in Newcastle "So where else better to go to then Magaluf?" Anywhere without you, for a start

Also, I just want to point out that the show has went on for less than two minutes and I've already seen Holly get her tits out. This is going to be my struggle

"Lads go on holiday to pull women and get proper (really) mortal (drunk)" James says. That is really the only thing James does anyways. It's the same shit at a different place, which should give you the idea of what is ahead (needless arguments that never fucking end) "My main regret is getting involved with Vicky" Jay says. Let's not even start with my regrets, we'll be here for a while. You may notice that someone is missing from the car - Gary. "I bet he'll come out with Charlotte" James says, and everyone laughs

It's a lot less funny when that is literally what happens in the very next scene. Gary is terrified because Charlotte is a bad driver and they are already acting like a married couple and motherfucker this is going to be exactly the same shit. We cut back to Vicky's house and she is apprehensive about things "I could easily go to Magaluf, chill out, get a good tan - but I'll have to do it with those bunch of bellends, won't I?" she explains. "I realy love some of them in the house, but I fucking hate some others" she continues like she is the only person in the world to not like some people. Fuck off, lady

Sophie is then driving through Magaluf shouting "GEORDIE SHORE!" to people on the streets. She does this because she is fucking stupid. "If I'm going to be sick on myself or in a toilet, what better place to do it then Magaluf?" she asks. She asks this because she is fucking stupid. "It'sall about snogging blokes, grinding dirty, in my bikini" Holly says, and I won't even get into how stupid this girl is. "I left twice, and I wont leave a third time. If I do, it'll be forever" Holly then says, getting my hopes up that she will leave forever. Why is she even here now she knows everyone hates her? ARGH I HATE YOU

"It is fucking mint (good) and I've never seen anything like it in my life!" Holly exclaims when she gets there first. It's a fucking house, I know you live in Middlesnborough but I'm sure they have houses there. "I'm going to dance on chairs, do what I want, even roll around in my own sick. I'm going to have the best time of my life" Holly then says, having some fucking weird fetishes

Sophie is there next and they both have a look around. Allthey find in the fridge though is a loaf of bread. "Get that fucking bread out of there and get the alcohol in!" Sophie says demandingly. Hey, bread won food of the year for five years in a row, don't disrespect bread like that! Jay James and Greg turn up next. Jay shows remorse for being mean to Holly, James isn't impressed with her new hair, Greg says she looks like a stripper. At least the things you like don't change either

Charlotte and Gary turn up next and Charlotte is amazed with Holly. "She's like a new person, like a red haired......tomato! Like a big cherry tomato in my face and it looks really good" Charlotte says excitedly. Get a crown sweetheart because you are the queen of compliments. The doorbell rings again and everyone goes to let Vicky in. "I was like 'Wow, Vicky's changed!'" Holly says, managing that line without any sort of comedic worth. Yes, it's not Vicky but some dude who owns the house they are staying in. Basically, he's the new boss. He lays down some rules - keep it tidy, which clearly will be ignored, and the other is someone must be in the house at all times. "How fucking rude! Is he mad!?" Jay complains. Everyone decides to ignore him and go out tonight anyways. They do this because they are fucking stupid

Back in Newcastle, and Vicky is packing. I thought Vicky in Newcastle was to show her apprehension for going in a flashback kind of way, but no. Everyone else is literally in Magaluf and she is in Newcastle whining about whether she wants to go or not. She does go in the end, making the whole thing pointless. How I missed thee, Geordie Shore. Back in Magaluf,everyone ignores the boss and goes out that night. Vicky hasn't turned up yet FYI. Just want to point out that Gary looks like a right twat with that vest on. Also want to point out that Holly is the reason I gave up on claymation, looking like the title character from Wallace and Gromit and the Snaggletooth Moonface

They all go into a club and the MC shouts "THE GEORDIES ARE HERE!" and everyone cheers. It's like Magaluf is bizzaro world, especially as how most of the clubs in Newcastle refused to let the people from Geordie Shore into their clubs. They all get up onto the bar like it's Coyote Ugly. They then have to do positions from the Kama Sutra because ???? Anyways, Holly gets paired up with James which he isn't happy about. "Honestly, I had about 5 nights in a row where I dreamt of having sex with James" Holly admits. Even when she broke up with her boyfriend she is clowning him

Meanwhile, Vicky finally gets there and the place is empty. That means one of them did stay behind and their boss has to be happy! Everybody wins! Vicky realises that thdere are only 3 beds in the girls room and she has no idea where her bed is. Whoa oh! I smell Vicky kicking off and arguing with people instead of trying to sort things out in a calm and mature manner!

Meanwhile, Gary is going Kama Sutra positions with some girl and Charlotte looks miserable. "It doesn't bother me at all" she says, before complaining that the girl isn't even nice looking. Charlotte being in denial and not being honest with herself about Gary covers the category of nothing fucking changes ever. Gary starts talking to the girl about going back to th house with him, and the girls go into the toilet and Charlotte says she feels so sorry for her. Fucking seriously!?

The guys get asked to be judges in a wet t shirt contest, which I can't take pictures of because there are no t shirts in this contest. Holly gets up onstage and dances with a girl and the guys are impressed that she actually came out of her shell. It ends with Holly and the girl kissing, and then Holly gets her tits out. "I feel like a part of the family again!" she says excitedly. Congrats, you only had to kiss a girl and get your tits out to be accepted by a bunch of idiots. I'm so happy for you!

Back in the house, Vicky takes "the shag pad" because there are no other beds. "I don't give a fuck" she snaps to herself "It's my bed now, and there's going to be no shagging here!"

"It's Magaluf, but everyone calls it Shagaluf. It's called Shagaluf or a reason" Jay says. Actually, it isn't called Shagaluf for a reason, and that reason is it's called Magaluf, you fucking moron. Gary gets with another blonde, Charlotte is not happy about it but still tells everyone she doesn't care. I bet you could lock them all up in a Russian gulag for the next Geordie Shore special and Charlotte would still be jealous when Gary gets raped in the shower by someone named Vlad

Everyone goes back to the house, Gary with his blonde girl and Jay goes back with two sisters. Jesus. Gary disappears with his girl and you get a little montage of them in bed with the sheets covering them. Cool. Jay realises he can't get himself and the two sisters onto his bed, so he takes them to the shag pad where Vicky is asleep, but not for long. Jay begs Vicky for the room, and she does give it to him with little argument. She then whines about whether she made the right decision to come out. "Oh I think I made the wrong choice in going on this free holiday to Magaluf!"

Next morning, Gary sends his girl off in a taxi and brags about his "3 hour session" with her. "I've had them before, it's boring as fuck" Charlotte says dissmissively. Not at all jealous. No. Everyone but Sophie goes to the beach, and Vicky starts arguing with James. Gentle James, who has never hurt a soul. Back at the house, the boss turns up again and tells them off for not leaving anyone to stay in the house when they went out last night. He then tells them two people have to stay in, so Greg and Gary bite the bullet and stay in

So when everyone goes out, Holly obviously starts getting it on with anything with a pulse, Jay starts hitting on a blonde and Sophie is upset at the lack of talent "Fuck slut of the year, I'm the virgin of the week" she complains. By the end of this she will be watching anime. Vicky and James make up from their argument before and everything is alright again! Hurray!

The next day, everyone goes to the beach (again) and Sophie decides virgin of the week isn't for her, so she and Vicky go get some dudes numbers. They girls decide to tell the guys they'll stay in that night, but secretely go out with these guys they just met and get back without the guys noticing. They fall for it completely, because they are self centered idiots

Greg and James are a bit worried they haven't pulled yet, so Gary turns his charm up as their wingmen. Meanwhile, the girls go out with the dudes they met before "I'm really liking the craic, like" Sophie says "They aren't going on about banging lasses all the time" Charlotte points out. Sophie then gets her tits out for some unknown reason. I don't even know

The guys decide to go to a strip club. There doesn't seem to be a no touching rule over there, so things escalate pretty quickly. They get strippers numbers and then move on. The girls are still with the guys they found, and Charlotte and Vicky seem to be competing for the same guy. Needless drama? Say it ain't so! The guys get home without women "They're still working" Jay says. They brought food for the girls, but they aren't home. The guys aren't happy, especially Greg who took one for the team but the girls couldn't be bothered to do that

The girls come in at this point. They're drunk and brought a bunch of lads with them. The guys are furious about this. They want to go to bed, but the girls won't be quiet so an argument starts. Gary calls Charlotte ugly and she bursts into tears. "I wouldn't mind it from anyone else but from Gary it really hurts" Jesus lady, you are totally not in love with him. That's all that happens, but we have a part 2 coming next week! Best line from the preview is Vicky's "Gary and Charlotte are like Romeo and Juliet...if Romeo was a fucking twat"