Celebrity Big Brother has started again, and it once again is the perfect excuse as to why nobody will talk to me over the next few months. Channel 4 stopped it due to poor ratings and loads of controversy, mostly about racism if I recall. Something that starts out well but falls apart due to unpopularity and racism? Sounds like a British institution if I've ever seenone!
As is tradition, I'm doing a round up of the 10 and a half "celebrities" who have entered the Big Brother House. Why bother doing this if I'm not going to watch it? Fuck you, that's why
KERRY KATONA
Kerry Katona is best known as a media personality, and since bursting onto the scene as part of girl band Atomic Kitten, she has gone onto present, write and be a regular feature in the nation’s media.
After an uneasy childhood in care she found fame with the band, who secured four Top 20 singles in Britain and had huge success in Asia, securing a number one hit with Cradle.
Katona married ex-Westlife band member, Brian McFadden, and they went on to have two children. After leaving the band, she made the successful transition into a television career, starring in several of her own reality shows including, My Fair Kerry, Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love, Kerry Katona: Whole Again, and Kerry Katona: What's the Problem? which focused on her struggle with bi-polar disorder.
After the collapse of her first marriage, Katona had two more children with now ex-husband Mark Croft before their turbulent relationship finally ended in 2010. Since their split, Kerry has gone onto rebuild her personal life and professional career.
Kerry Katona is the first one in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Over 10 years ago she was in Atomic Kitten (a pop group) but was replaced with a more attractive woman (Jenny Frost) and the band had more success without Kerry.
She was also married to one of the idiots from Westlife, who eventually replaced her with a more attractive woman (Delta Goodrem) who also had more success in the music business than Kerry after leaving Neighbours
Delta Goodrem was, of course, following in the footsteps of a more attractive woman (Holly Valance) who also left Neighbours to start a pop career. She had one popular song and that's it, but she's doing movies now.
This is a far cry from an earlier attractive woman who left Neighbours to do a pop career (Kylie Minogue) whose claim to fame is like 2 songs and having a nice arse over 10 years ago. Kylie is basically nonexistant except she turns up to Jool's Hollands Hootenany every New Year and sings badly and irritates me
Wait, what was I on about again? Oh yeah, Kerry Katona. She is a coked out mong who has made an entire career out of being a dsgusting human being. A perfect start for the Big Brother house!
TARA REID
Born in Wyckoff, New Jersey, Tara Reid began acting at a young age and went on to become a regular face on US game show Child's Play.
During her teenage years, Tara made guest appearances on some of America's best-loved shows, including Saved By The Bell: The New Class, Days of our Lives and All My Children.
In 1997, Tara moved to the bright lights of Hollywood to focus on her film career, the next year winning a breakout role in the Cohen Brothers' cult classic The Big Lebowski.
Tara followed up her success with supporting roles in box-office hits Cruel Intentions and Urban Legend, before hitting the jackpot with a role as virginal Vicky in American Pie and, three years later, American Pie 2. In 2012, Tara will return to the big screen in comedy sequel American Pie 4: American Reunion.
I used to like Tara Reid, about 10 years ago. She used to be pretty, I guess, but it was that voice which I liked. Alright, so I was around 14 at the time and the only thing competing with Tara Reid in my love stakes were Pokemon, so you all need to give me a break
In her "breakout role" in The Big Lebowski she was in 3 scenes and had maybe 6 lines of dialogue, all of them in her first scene. Also, I cannot for the life of me remember watching the first American Pie movie. I vaguely remember watching the second movie at some time, and I remember going to the movie theatre to see the third one (THANKS WHATEVER ASSHOLE TALKED ME INTO DOING THAT) but I can't remember ever watching the first one. The second and third movie were shit though, as are all the "spinoffs" of the American Pie series which all star Eugene Lvy for some reason. I imagine the first movie will be shit as well, and so will the fourth one they are making too
Now, none of this is Tara Reid's fault. I remember she was in Van Wilder with Ryan Reynolds, before he realised he could be superheroes alongside Chris Evans for the rest of his life, and I liked that movie...around ten years ago. WAIT A MINUTE! The only other movie I remember her being in was Alone In The Dark, which has the dreaded "directed by Uwe Boll" tagline
So, a once sorta famous party girl and movie star? It ends up she is the proto Lindsey Lohan, except Lohan has bested her in that respect since she has did more than Miss Reid with far less talent. What a world we live in!
PADDY DOHERTY
Born again Christian, Paddy Doherty, rose to fame when he appeared on the documentary My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.
Born into generations of travellers, Doherty lives closely by the traditions of his community. The former bare-knuckle fighter never attended school and instead, began working for the family business at the tender age of 12.
He says that he rarely ‘mixes with townsfolk’ and lives in a caravan park in Manchester. He is a family man and adores his wife of 25 years. They have 5 children and 15 grandchildren.
I have no fucking clue who this is. See, a major problem you get when rounding up these "celebrities" is that sometimes you don't get what you want. For months there was talk about getting Charlie Sheen into the Celebrity Big Brother house. Now, this is the man who was being paid around two and a half million dollars PER EPISODE of Two and a Half Men. That show was 20 minutes long. Imagine how much money it would cost them to have him n the Big Brother house for over two months? Jesus
So, he get people like Paddy Doherty, a man who was in a different reality TV show on another reality TV show. How meta. He was in a reality TV show I never watched, so his entire claim to fame in my eyes is that picture with Danny Dyer. Being photographed with Danny Dyer is enough to convinceme he's a celebrity though - I'm not sure why this is, but do not doubt the powers of Danny Dyer
AMY CHILDS
Flame-haired glamour girl Amy Childs rose to fame in 2010, when she emerged as the breakout star of BAFTA award-winning reality show The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE).
A beautician by trade, her business, Amy’s Salon, is famed for the unusual and now popular beauty treatment ‘vajazzling’.
Now in demand, Amy presents a regular beauty segment on ITV daytime’s This Morning and says that in five years time she would love to have her own TV show and beauty schools.
Another person from a TV show I haven't watched. Great. She does have a claim to fame though, by introducing the word "vajazzle" into our accepted lexicon. This is not a particularly good claim to fame
First up, if she is in the Celebrity Bg Brother house then it's fair to say she isn't exactly "in demand". Also, it's adorable she thinks in five years time that people would want to watch her own TV show. It's kind of adorable that anyone will even remember who she is in five years time, but at least she is aiming for the stars. You reach, Amy Childs, and maybe one day you can be an astronaught like you always dreamed of being!
DARRYN LYONS
Media personality, Darryn Lyons’ career has seen him turn from a photographer at a local paper to a war correspondent, award-winning photographer, television personality and chairman of a lucrative business empire.
Famed for his paparazzo and celebrity guru status, Australian-born Lyons was given the title Mr Paparazzi for his celebrity scoops including exclusive photographs of Princess Diana and Dodi Al-Fayad, Rudolf Nuruyev and David Beckham and Rebecca Loos.
Lyons’ work in journalism saw him providing coverage from the Bosnian war where he was subsequently kidnapped.
He has appeared on various television shows, including the Australian version of Dragons’ Den and Paparazzi, which followed the workings of his company, Big Pictures, the world’s largest photo agency.
Lyons says: ‘I’ve had ups and downs. I did the works: sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. Then I woke up one day and said: “I’m over this” pulling myself out of that is one of my proudest moments.’
What a fucking twat. A war correspondant? Really? I means, mad respect to the editor who sent him to the warzone, although a lot can be said about modern day soldiers if all of them failed to kill this asshole. Anyone who is a "celebrity guru" is clearly out of their depth in Big Brother, or in any other real life situation. Fuck, I'm sick of talking about him
SALLY BERCOW
Sally is best known as the outspoken wife of John Bercow, Speaker of the House of Commons, and says she is flattered by references to her being the Carla Bruni of British politics.
Born Sally Illman, Bercow attended Marlborough College, the alma matar of Samantha Cameron, and went on to attend Keble College, Oxford. Having dropped out after only two years, Sally sparked minor controversy in 2009 when it was revealed that she had been sacked from a city PR firm for trying to conceal this on her CV.
Sally also caused a stir earlier this year, when she posed for a newspaper interview wearing only a bed sheet.
I think "Wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons" must be when scraping the bottom of the barrel for celebrities stopped, after discovering a larger, even more bottomless barrel underneath the first one
I'd also like to point out that Carla Bruni was a relatively well known musician before she married the annoying French midget Sarcozy.nI also remember reading she had a small role in a movie, and she couldn't get her walk in right and it really annoyed everyone. Did I dream that? Why would I have such a boring dream?
Regardless, my point here is "Who the fuck is Sally Bercow and why the fuck does she think she is a celebrity?"
LUCIEN LAVISCOUNT
Lucien Laviscount began his acting career on the Disney channel sketch show Life Bites, before moving onto long-running teen-drama Grange Hill.
The Lancashire born 19 year old has since appeared on our television screens playing characters including Ben Richardson - the Christian love interest of Sophie Webster - in Coronation Street.
His most recent role as Jonah Kirby in BBC drama, Waterloo Road, has seen him become a favourite on the pages of most celebrity magazines.
As well as acting, former model Laviscount appeared in the campaign for David Beckham’s clothing range DB 07.
What is there to say about this guy? He's good looking, sure. That's about it. I bet he's the most boring person on the show, because he has the most to lose. Although he hasn't exactly set the world on fire with his acting roles, he could jeopadise it all by doing anything interesting on Big Brother, so expect him to do nothing and then get kicked off early
But seriously, where are all these Z list people hiding? Is there a club I'm unaware of where they all hang out? Jesus
PAMELA BACH-HASSELHOFF
Actress and producer Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff was propelled to fame after securing her first acting job in hit series Baywatch, where she met her former husband David. Her 16-year marriage to her co-star ended in divorce and in recent years has dominated the headlines.
After a successful decade on Baywatch, Pamela hung up her red swimsuit and went on to enjoy numerous film roles, including Francis Ford Coppola’s cult classic, Rumblefish, opposite Matt Dillon and Mickey Rourke. Pamela's other big-screen credits include Castle Rock, Appointment with Fear and Missing.
Today, Pamela runs her own production company and produces shows in the US.
Imagine how much of a coup it would be if they got The Hoff into the show. You think of overinflated celebrity ego, you think of The Hoff. I mean, this is the guy believes one of his songs influenced the German people to knock down the Berlin Wall. He honestly believes that the German people never thought about the idea of destroying the Berlin Wall until he sang a song.
But no, we got his ex wife. I guess if you can't get the man, then get his angry ex wife and get her to slag him off constantly. If he can't embarrass himself on live television, then why not get someone to tell stories about him embarrassing himself? His reaction: Couldn't give a fuck, is still The Hoff
BOBBY SABEL
High-flying model Bobby Sabel has fronted some of the biggest campaigns in fashion.
His glamorous career has seen him grace numerous catwalks in the fashion capitals of the world including Milan, New York and Paris.
Originally from London, Sabel has appeared in campaigns for Levi and Swatch, and has been photographed by some of the world’s best photographers including Rankin.
He is also successful closer to home, modelling for high street brands Superdry, Ted Baker, Next and House of Fraser, to name a few.
Sabel says he would rather be adored by all women than be tied down to a girlfriend.
ANOTHER MODEL!? Are we really running low on celebrities willing to degrade themselves for another 15 minutes of fame? Aside from being good looking and being vaguely familiar, what can he possibly bring to the table?
JEDWARD
Irish pop duo John and Edward Grimes have a unique style and passion for pop.
Growing up, the twins were inspired by Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys. At school, they took part talent shows but were also gifted athletes.
Widely recognised for their blonde quiffs, they first shot to fame as ‘John & Edward’ in 2009 when they bounced onto the nation’s screens during The X Factor.
The nation quickly took the effervescent duo to their hearts and Jedward was born! Jedward released their debut single Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby) and first performed the song as a surprise live duet with US rapper Vanilla Ice at the 2010 National Television Awards. The song became a No.2 hit in the UK singles chart and No.1 in Ireland. The single was swiftly followed by Jedward’s platinum selling debut album Planet Jedward.
In 2011, Jedward won the honour of representing Ireland in the Eurovision Song Contest, where they finished in a respectable eighth place. Since they first burst onto the scene, Jedward have become popular TV personalities appearing in countless television shows.
Let me get this out of the way now - Jedward are incredible. They fully deserve to accomplish all of their goals, dreams, ambitions. Everything they do is magical in every possible way. They are a whimsical dream made reality, here to brighten our day with sunshine and happiness
I'm not even kidding. I like Jedward. I shouldn't, and I'm totally aware that I shouldn't. I just can't help it. It goes against the human condition. I literally cannot hate Jedward
I've also heard that the day the world runs out of happiness and joy, Jedward will fuse together back into their original form of a unicorn, decree that we do not deserve them, and they will leave our planet to go to the next one where they will try again
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