Continuing the Geordie Shore saga, episode 2 starts with a recap. If you really want a recap, go here instead
We start with Sophie bringing a guy back to the house. "I think the year of the slut has actually begun (began)" she says. Sex happens and her idea of dirty talk is FUCKING WEIRD. We go back to Charlotte and Gary who spent the night in bed. "I have a secret weapon which drives the girls wild" Gary brags "It's me massive cock" Modesty isn't exactly his strong point, although I'd hate to find out what is. "It's like a parsnip!" Charlotte claims. "Of course, it's the kind of parsnip that would win best at the show for being the biggest and the best" Gary replies. Obviously flirting isn't his strongest point either
Vicky and Holly go into the room they are in "We aren't shagging!" Charlotte claims. I've heard that line before, except this is the first time it's a lie. "Can I see your cock?" asks Holly. He shows her, she screams and some slap bass starts playing and I wished I was watching Seinfeld. "I've seen a lot of cocks in my life and I've never seen one like that" Holly says, making a backhanded compliment except she compliments Gary and backhands herself
Jay wakes up early because him and James have to go to work. "I didn't even look at the clock - just up, shoes on, out I go" Jesus dude, shower first. Grody. James set the alarm, but he sleeps in and Jay has to wake him. Honestly, if these two focus on their oddball bromance this show would be great. Their boss calls and chews them out for being late - Jay gets the worst of it even though it was James' fault. "Don'ttell Jay, but I did set the alarm but I was so pissed I forgot to turn it on" he tells Greg. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SET AN ALARM CLOCK BUT NOT HAVE IT TURNED ON ARE YOU RETARDED WHAT
Jay tells James, who is still getting ready, not to bother since their boss doesn't want them to go into work today, so they go back to bed. THAT'S HOW WE ROLL IN THE GEORDIE SHORE BABY! "It was my fault for not setting the alarm, I don't want Jay to get in trouble" James says. Who says chivalry is dead? Me, since he follows up with "Saying that, he could have set the alarm as well"
Welp, it's been two minutes since we talked about Gary's cock so let's go back down this rabbit hole! "I think he punctured my lung" Charlotte whines. Fuck off, love. Everyone else gathers around the table to talk about Gary and Charlotte "You think he banged her?" asks James "I couldn't lie in bed with a bird and not bang her" Seriously bro, that's a bit sexually aggressive and if this ruins your bromance with Jay I will flip the fuck out.
"I asked her if she had and she's like an open book, and she says no" says Vicky "But I've seen his willy and it's massive!" I swear to God if they use Gary's cock as a catchphrase I will not be happy. Vicky then says "I haven't seen it, I don't want to see it, if he gets it out in front of me I'd be mortified" which goes against what she just saidc literally seconds ago. She is an untrustworthy narrator, so assume anything else she says to be a lie
Thankfully, we go back to Holly's relationship problems. She thinks being in he Geordie Shore house puts a huge strain on their relationship. She says this after sucking Gary off on the first night and then spending the second night crying because she misses her boyfriend. The real strain is on me, who has to watch her bitch and moan like a fucking moron. "Some of the things I've done and some of the things I've said...I'm not particularly proud of it" she says. This is the first thing me and Holly have agreed on
We then listen in to Holly's phonecall with her boyfriend, and she sounds like a real person on it. I know I built her up as some golem with huge tits, but she seems like a parody of what you'd expect her to be any other time. When she talks to her boyfriend she seems...I don'tknow. Less grotesque, I guess. "My boyfriend said I could kiss other guys, but on the first night I ended up inbed with Gary and I don't remember it and I wish I could so I could be open about it" Holly whines. See what I mean?
Jay then asks her if since she can do what she likes, whether her boyfriend can as well. She umms and uhhs for a moment and says "I dunno". If the big twist here is Jay then goes out and shags Holly's boyfriend just to spite her then I promise you I will stop watching TV forever. Perfection will have been achieved and nothing could compare to it. Jay points out that she can suck Gary's cock, which she gets offended at "If I've done it, I'm a prick, but if I didn't then I'm still a prick for getting into bed with him. I'm an idiot" Holly says. Two things we agree on!
Everyone goes bowling, and the first bombshell is dropped. "It's a bit strange with me and Vicky. She's not my cup of tea, I like her as a friend" Greg says. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ALL OF MY FANFICTION, RUINED! "I hope Jay doesn't get jealous, because me and Greg are just mates" Vicky says, and all of my hopes and dreams for the future are ruined. Welp, at least I have Jay and James to fall back on
Jay and Vicky flirt a bit, and she calls him "a real gentleman" Jesus lady. "All I'm saying is, don't have sex with someone when I'm in the bed next to me. Am I clear?" Vicky says to him. "Am I clear!?" Jay responds "Yes mam (mum)!" and they both laugh. "She is good looking, but that doesn't mean anything is going to happen" Jay says about Vicky. Stop treating my geordie princess badly Jay!
They all get back and there's a note on the table from their boss. She went over today to check up on people, but everyone was bowling so she wasn't happy. Women, am I right fellas!? "Shit!" proclaims James, who is already in enough trouble with her. We then get a montage of Jay and James sitting around feeling sorry for themselves because they don't clean up after them or get to work on time and their boss is unhappy with them. How much do you bet they make up for things by the end of the episode to make their boss happy?
Jay and James are feeling down, so Greg cheers them up by calling all the women he got numbers from last night and gets them around the house. "I'm the oldest one here so I'm gonna teach them get their numbers, take them out, wine and dine them, shag them and get rid of them" Greg says, making me feel so much better that he isn't interested in Vicky anymore. James and Gary are amazed at things Greg is saying "I usually get birds on a night out, take them back and then get rid of them!" James says, amazed. "My game is more you're in, you're out, it's done. To wine and dine them would need to be a well fit person" says Gary "I don't need to wine and dine Charlotte - she's already done" he then says. Can you guys smell friction in the near future!?
"Am I going to spend all my money on food?" James asks "Nar (no) I want to go out, get them pissed and then bang them!" People need to eat food to live, you fucking dumbass. "I think Vicky will be kicking off" Jay says, showing some foresight "And I think Charlotte will be kicking off with Gary" "THEY CANNOT FIND OUT!" Gary reiterates. "I don't full on fancy Charlotte, so I'm going all out tonight" Gary then says. Dude is like school in summer, yo
All the girls are in a bedroom, and one of them asks Chalotte about Gary. "There is no me and Gary" she says "Sometimes I give his bellend a kiss and that's it" You know what, they both deserve each other. "I'm worried about Vicky - I think she's keener on Jay then he is on her" Charlotte then says. It's like she is a scholar of the fucking obvious
The girls are in the garden having a few drinks "They are going to be smashed by the time the girls arrive!" Gary points out, not incorectly. "We should wind them up! Pretend we're cooking for them, they'll be buzzing and then four girls come in through the door!" Jay puts forward, without realising this goes against their agreed "THE GIRLS CANNOT FIND OUT!" policy
"What are we going to say about the candles?" asks James "Say it's a lads night" says Gary, and everyone laughs at him. Because that's gay. It would be really funny to just put a gay guy in there, just to see their reaction. Ah well. They all go downstairs, and the girls start chanting "Get yer cock out for the lasses!" They then go back to their rooms for some unknown reason and just in time!
You can't see it well in this picture, but Vicky is crying and Charlotte nearly is as well. The guys plan of not letting the girls find out lasted about 10 seconds after the other women entered the house. Solid Snake they are not. "We were pissed off but we didn't want the lads to know, so we stayed in our room all night" Sophie explains, the worst master plan since Hitler's. If it makes the girls a bit less upset, the four Greg brought over for the boys are far more annoying then the ones upstairs in their room
"I like my steak rare, but it's not dead yet" one of the girls says about the food AND THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF A RARE STEAK WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!? Greg takes one of the girls away for...well, take a guess. Gary and James are fuming that Greg got to the guest room first with a girl - they can't really take a girl back to the bedrooms with the Geordie Shore girls there. OR CAN THEY!?
No, they can't. Jay takes a girl to the hot tub "I ended up with Jade" he explains "Who is a total airhead" Jade then falls into the hot tub and Jay laughs at her. They then go to the guest room, and the girl Greg is in the middle of banging says Jade has a boyfriend. WHY DIDN'T JADE MENTION THAT!? "That's not good" Jay rightfully says. So they all go play twister instead. Fucking seriously. "Jay's bird has a lad, mines boring as fuck" James complains "Banging is off the cards for us" Quick note - Jay and James haven't had sex in the Geordie Shore yet. Greg finally did it on the 4th day, and so far Gary has had someone every single day. Can he make it 4 out of 4!?
Jay and James then leave the women and go in with the girls "They come in and say they wanted some banter with our housemates" Vicky says. I wonder if she can see what they are doing? "That's canny (pretty) nice of them, you know?" she follows up with. Man, I like you Vicky but you are dense as fuck. "I wish I had cooked the meal for them (The Geordie Shore girls) since the ones Greg got are nightmares" Jay says, with maybe a tint of remorse
One of the girls comes into the room "Hello" she says "Here, fuck off or else I'l smash your fucking face in!" Sophie replies. JESUS CHRIST! "There's no need to be so rude" the girl responds, and I think she's right about that. Anyways, Gary is macking it with the non blonde girl in the garden. "If I think of Gary with another girl I might be sick in my mouth" Charlotte says, going against what she said before. Better get a sick bag, love. The girls then leave "Bye Greg" they say. "Oh yeah, I said I liked her and I'll call her tomorrow, but I'll never speak to her again" Greg says, very pleased with himself
Next morning the boss calls, saying she is coming over to finally speak with Jay and James. Sophie then rallies everyone together to clean the place up. She says the girls are angry with the guys, but they must stick together. The maturity is quite startling. They all clean up, except the guest house because Greg forgot about the mess he left it in. Way to go, Greg. The boss then sits down with Jay and James, and Jay looks like he's getting ready to rip her in half. She gives them another chance, of course, and they both say they'll make it up to her. Everyone is happy with this, and they all go out to celebrate
Sophie is happy because all of her friends are there "She kept saying all her mates were stunning" Gary explains "I didn't believe her, but then at the club fifteen birds come up, all stunning, and they are all Sophie's mates" Charlotte, however, sits there with a face like a smacked arse. "I told Gary if he brings a girl home I'm going to punch him in the face" she says. What happened to her not giving a shit about him? Honesty love, you should try it sometime. Sophie, not really too thrilled that all the Geordie Shore guys are over her mates, ends up pulling one of Jame's mates. I think I might need a spreadsheet to keep all this in check
"We had our own section in the club to chill out VIP style" says Vicky "There was nothing VIP about it, it was a cattle market. So I pushed past this girl on the way out, and I wasn't gonna have this fat ugly bird the size of a Ford Focus push me around" Of course it leads to a fight. Unsurprisingly, the girls piled in to help Vicky, but surprisingly, none of the guys do. Why not? They are all leaving with Sophie's friends! "If I see a worldy, a good looking girl, I'm not gonna not go over to her because of Charlotte" Gary says, perhaps stupidly
The guys (minus Greg) and Sophie pile into one bedroom with the people they brought back, and they all have sex in the same room. Not together in a orgy, of course. They all take a bed and they all stay in their beds with their respected partner. "It's like a porn movie in there" Sophie says "And I gave him the best night of his life. He'll remember my name forever" I don't think modesty is in much demand in here
If I could be bothered to make a .gif, I'd do one of Charlotte stumbling down the street drunk. It is hilarious. Greg eventually has to carry Charlotte. "If Gary brings a girl home and Charlotte is in the wrong mood, it's going to get mental" Vicky points out. I think anyways, she might have said menthoyl. I'm really not sure
"I get back and Gary is in the bedroom with another girl and I don't care but it makes me feel like a right mug!" Charlotte whines when they get back. "You know what he's like from the start, you've seen it" Greg points out, because he is the only person in this house who understands this basic concept. Greg tells Charlotte to calm down, Charlotte tells Greg to fuck off, and they start arguing. "Am I slurring my words!? Am I really drunk!?" Charlotte screams. "Yes" Greg keeps replying. "NO I'M FUCKING NOT!" she then screams back at him. She is saying this to the person who just had to fucking carry her home because she was too drunk to stand "She is fucking mental" Greg summarises
"Next thing, I'm in my bedroom and Charlotte comes flying through the door" Jay says "She kicks off with me, saying that I can't, in my own fucking bedroom, and I'm in there with a bird" What she says he can't do in his own bedroom is never really said, but as always the sex is implied. Charlotte does this to stick up for Vicky, who is still sharing a room with Jay. "I wouldn't want a dirty little tramp in my room, and I'm not letting Vicky put up with it either" Charlotte says. This girl is going to end up murdering everyone, I can tell
Charlotte then says that Vicky shares a room with Jay, and the girl he's with walks out. Jay kicks off. "I'm pissed, I'm angry at Gary, and I think Psycho Charlotte is creeping its way out now" Charlotte says, about herself. ELSEWHERE Gary has sex with a woman and Charlotte doesn't do shit
"I woke up, and shit. There's gonna be an atmosphere. I was a bitch last night and everyone's gonna hate is (me)" says Charlotte the next morning. No, you just insulted gentle Greg, who has never hurt a soul in his life, cockblocked Jay, who looks like he is seconds away from being the geordie Chris Benoit, and probably upset Vicky, the person everyone likes. Before she can apologise, the doorbell rings. Who is it? It's Sophie's parents! "Howay man! This is the worst time! I'm hungover, and there's a lad upstairs I was banging twenty minutes ago" she complains. Truly a first world problem for the ages
"Not the best first impression for Sophie's parents" James points out "It's made worse that all the birds we came back with were Sophie's friends, so they all knew her parents" Sophie's dad owns a resturant, so they brought loads of food with them. "I think I fancy Sophie's dad" Charlotte says, probably the worst rebound from Gary in existence. "Sophie was saying things like 'This is Charlotte, she's my poo partner'" Greg says, in utter shock "Who says that to their parents!? If mine were here, I'd say I spent my time reading books!"
When Sophie tells her parents that Gary had a threesome on his first night, Sophie's dad gives him a high five. I think even though he has a soul patch I might forgive him. "I can't believe how cool my dad was about sex" Sophie says "Sex is a swear word to my dad" THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM ABOUT SEX JESUS LADY YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT "I feel a bit guilty, so the Year of the Slut is on pause" Sophie continues. Can we get her parents to move in and be there all the time?
Now we go back to Holly's boyfriend troubles! She calls him up and decides to tell him about what happened with Gary, three days and two phonecalls after it happened. She lies though and doesn't mention the fact it was with someone else in the house, and her boyfriend gets really angry. What happened to the agreement!? Was all of that a lie!? Why does nobody tell the fucking truth in this house!? "What makes our relationship work is that he understands I'm 18 and want to have fun, but I want to be with him too. So he lets me have my cake and eat it too" Holly explains. It seems to me like she's walking all over him. Also, that saying is terrible - nobody says they have two cakes, one for eating and one for just having. It doesn't even make sense!
Holly then tells everyone she told her boyfriend about...man, I don't even remember what she did with Gary now. This is so boring I've forgot things they've just told me. "She comes in, wanting this big Jeremy Kyle moment" Vicky says dismissively "She wants all the drama, she wants all the hype, she wants all the attention her". I'm glad everyone else is as sick of her shit as I am.
What's funny is that as she's talking, Gary just shows a complete lack of respect to her. It's great. She makes a big deal about not remembering, but then lets slip she remembers everything and everyone laughs at her. "She'smaking her boyfriend look like a mug, and she's making herself look stupid, to be honest" Jay says, taking over Greg's role as the voice of reason
That night when everyone is eating, Gary suggests that they don't go out tonight to pull, but just go out together to have a good time. "He's just saying that to try and make it up to Charlotte" Greg says, calling him out on that shit instantly "Him and Jay will be sorted, not me and James" Greg spoke too soon though, as Jay's initial reaction is a loud "Fuck off Gary!" "The idea is, we all go out, but nobody brings anyone back. Charlotte's there, the guest room is there, obviously I'll shag her" Gary explains, the third worst master plan in existence after spending the last two nights pissing her off
They all decide to do that in the end, although SURPRISE SURPRISE Holly feels left out. "Everyone has someone, and when I go over I feel like I'm cockblocking" she explains "So I thought, right, let's go out and have a dance with somebody" He ends up kissing her "and I...would you say, retaliate?" Holly asks. No, retaliate would be if you hit him for trying it on with you when you have a boyfriend. What you did would be reciprocating "Snogging a guy made me feel like part of the group" she says. I'm sure your boyfriend will love that rationalisation you dumb fucking idiot
Vicky gets sick of Gary taking advantage of Charlotte's emotions by letting her hang on, so she tells Charlotte about this guy she knows at the club. Gary gets jealous when he finds out, although I really wonder why when she looks like a fucking tree. Although she says she really likes Vicky's friend, she ignores him and goes back to Gary. Vicky describes him as a venus fly trap, with matching hand motions. Either that, or she's imagining me coming into her life and she never wants to let me go
Jay says he's gonna get nothing from Vicky tonight, so he gets with this other girl. Vicky is not best pleased. So she gets with some other guy, and the two end up outside arguing. "You were necking on with a lad!" Jay says angrily "You did it first!" Vicky replies. I'm sure she means he kissed someone else first, not that he specifically kissed a dude first. Although it would make a lot of sense since Jay is clearly closeted as fuck. "It's all the shit of a relationship without any of the perks" Jay says, again showing some foresight
Back at the house, they are still arguing. Jay tries to patch things up and it seems to work. "Just because he's got with a few other birds and I'm not his world doesn't mean I'm gonna dig my heels in like a stubborn mule" she explains. Meanwhile, Gary finally gets Charlotte alone in the guest bedroom and quickly leaves to get a few drinks. By the time he gets back she is asleep. Instead of just straight up raping her like I thought he would, he instead just goes to sleep. Congrats for reaching the lowest of expectations, broheim. The show ends with Jay and Vicky kissing. Everyone is happy again! How long will it last? Hopefully not very long because it's fucking boring when they are all getting along
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