This is it. The 6th and last episode of Geordie Shore. After this I never have to watch it again. No matter what shit Geordie Show throws into my mouth and tells me it is ice cream, I've made it this far and I can take it. Do your worst, Geordie Shore, for your time has come
The recap goes through all 5 other episodes for some reason. It manages to cut down everything important from the last 5 episodes into under a minute. Over 4 hours of program, down to under a minute. WAY TO MAKE YOUR OWN SHOW SEEM IRRELEVANT! We start the show with Charlotte waking up and getting into bed with Gary. She also decides she will tell him how she feels about him. I couldn't give a shit since the show is nearly over
Elsewhere, Vicky and Jay are still no closer to defining their relationship. They kind of want to be together but they want to get with other people and they don't want to argue, which is basically all they do. They haven't moved from this position since the first fucking episode. Greg is unhappy since he has to go work with Holly, or "My idea of hell" as he puts it. Surprisingly, doing anything with Holly is up there on my visions of Hell. They have to hand out leaflets and get people into a furniture store but, as Greg puts it, "Holly was there with her tits nearly hanging out, looking like a drag queen and scaring everyone off". "We only got 2 people in three hours" Holly later says. Gee, I wonder why?
Holly's boyfriend comes walking along and asks to talk with her. Alright, hold on a minute. He turns up at the club because Holly told him to. But he just so happens to appear at a fucking furniture store in the middle of fucking nowhere at this exact time for a heart to heart? Is he psychic!? Does he have Holly chipped and is following her location via satelite!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?
"If she doesn't fancy him, dump him. He won't dump her because he loves her, no idea why, but they are both just being pussies" Wise Greg summarises for those of you clever enough to ignore everything Holly does. They do break up, although she still tries to make him do it. If she wanted to break up so muchwhy wouldn't she just do it herself to save all this pointless fucking drama? Argh I hate you Holly!
Holly and Greg come back and Holly goes on about how she'ssingle now. "I think this is a big thing for Holly" says Charlotte "But nobody gives a shit" Reminder that Charlotte is the person who likes Holly the most in the house. "So Holly's single now and all the guys were buzzing!" Gary says, and then he does this as well. James did it earlier to show sarcasm, I really don't get it at all but when it's used to show sarcastic interest in Holly it is hilarious
Their boss calls to tell James and another guy of his choosing that he is to be a topless butler at a bar. When he finds out, he isn't happy "THAT'S A FUCKING GAY BAR!" he exclaims. If he picks Jay then I can see their blossoming romance starting right now. "I'm gonna tell Jay there's gonna be loads of birds there, and if he can get away from Vicky then he can come with is (me)" James says, looking far too happy about this
Greg's had a shit day at work and wants to let off some steam. Sadly for him, everyone is going to the dogs in Sunderland, except for Jay and James who aregoing to a gay bar. The girls get themselves glammed up and when they get there this is what they see. "It's like a tuesday night in a social club!" Vicky complains. Hey, it's Tuesday today! I might go to a social club for a few cheeky pints to celebrate not having to watch this show any more
Gary and Greg are getting into the bets, making some money, dollar dollar bill y'all, when Charlotte pulls him away to have a heart to heart at the side of a dog racing track. Real fucking smooth there, love. Gary of course shuts that down straight away, and Charlotte is upset, despite knowing this would happen in the fucking first place. They agree that if they bring someone back to the house they wouldn't have sex in their room with the other person in the bed a few feet away, something Jay and Vicky should have done a long time ago to avoid fallout, and that's it. All that build up for the entire show of Charlotte and Gary and it just...stops. I'd complain about how pointless and anti climatic it is, but I couldn't give a shit because it's nearly over now
James and Jay get to the gay bar, but it ends up it's their bosses night out with all the girls she works with. So there's no gays in sight, and the relief in their voices tells a fucking story. Their boss hooks the two of them up with her niece and one of her friends, and the guys are a bit weirded out. Not just because their boss is trying to get them laid, but because they can't hump them and dump them like all the other girls because they don't want to rock the boatwith their boss. Needless drama? On Geordie Shore!?
"Where else would you be on a Saturday night!?" Sophie exclaims "Dog racing is like bingo. I love bingo! I love dogs! It's perfect" This is just an example of the shit I will not miss when all of this is over. Jay and James turn up with the girls, and the introduction was "This is Anna's (Anna is their boss FYI - I never actually typed it in here since it is ust easier to type the boss) niece" Jay actually thought that would convince Vicky that he wasn't trying to pull her, that it was just done to appease their boss. It doesn't work. You have three guesses as to where this will end up
Everyone then goes to the disco at the dog track. Not on the dog track. That would be surreal. No, it's in one of the back rooms inside the building the dog track is situated. Jay realises Vicky is angry with him, he doesn't even want the girls there and he eventually manages to get them into a taxi. The next day is apparently a bank holiday, so everyone goes to Jesmond. "It's the place to be on a bank holiday since it is wall to wall with fanny" Greg explains. A wall made of vaginas is actually a terrirfying concept, fyi
Jay and Vicky agree they will only kiss each other (so basically a relationship) but later Jay is talking to some women and Vicky flips out. They argue OF COURSE THEY FUCKING ARGUE. James comes up with his own theory - of course, it's about sex "Vicky won't bang anyone unless they put the work in, and she doesn't think Jay has put enough work in. But she says she isn't interested in sex, if she isn't a banger then why make a big deal out of it? If she isn't interested then why not let him go at it because he clearly is?" It's a fair point I guess but there is no possible way for me to give less of a shit about any of this at this point
Back at the house, Jay and Vicky argue some more because that is just Geordie Shore canon at this point. "They would be a terrible couple - they can't even talk to each other, they just argue all the time" Greg points out. "You know that cube with the colours on, and you're trying to get all the colours on one side, like all yellow on one side and all green on another, and you can't do it? Their relationship is like that" says Charlotte. No lies I actually screamed at my laptop in anger when she said that
Jay and Vicky go upstairs laughing and giggling, so everyone thinks they are gonna bang and maybe try and sort things out. NOPE THEY JUST ARGUE SOME MORE. They then kiss and make up again and even the people in the house with them are sick of this shit. The next day is bank holiday monday, so everyone ges to Whitley Bay. I used to go there too! Admittedly, I went to the beach when I was 13 or 14 and not when I'm 24 going clubbing. Whatever. There's a nice chippie there though, or it was 10 years ago. We also get to see Charlotte and Holly talk to each other while their mouthes are full of food, so it'stwo people I really don't like doing the bad habit I hate the most. Lovely
Everyone gets back from Whitley Bay and guess what? If you said "an argument happens" then you are the reincarnation of Nostradamus. Greg and Holly start arguing because everyone is out in the garden, Holly starts to light up a cigarette and Greg asks her to move. It's not that nobody else smokes - Jay is literally smoking at the same time and he gets up and moves away before he even lights up. Greg just wants her to move away while she does it. It's not a completely unreasnoble thing to do, let's be honest. She reacts by smashing her glass against the floor and storming off. She then storms back a minute later to scream at Greg, and then she storms off once again
So after over reacting to such a massive level about someone not wanting smoke in their face, Holly decides she needs to leave. Again. If she got hit by a car right now I would be happy. Not killed though, that would be awful. Just enough damage so she will never talk again. That would be perfect. "I can't handle this, everyone is being so thick!" Holly wails. Vicky steps in to try and sort things out, because she is the epitome of sound judgement when she isn't involved, but even she realises that this is fucking stupid. Holly refuses to listen though
Jay tells Holly to stay for a second and says "You know, before you left, I thought you were alright. But now that you've come back, you've done my fucking head in" he says, right to her fucking face. Gary bursts out laughing at this. "I'm not two faced so I had to say it to her face" Jay says. I don't think I've ever seen so much hatred in a persons face as the one Vicky gives him after that. Holly then starts crying, all the guys are either in shock or stitches and the girls are furious with him. Holly then leaves. Again. I hope she contracts polio
Vicky then confronts Jay about being horrible to Holly to her face. All the times Vicky was horrible to her behind her back is fine, but doing it to her face is too much? Holly knew people talked about her behind her back and that nobody liked her. Honestly, I get both sides. Vicky is right since saying something like that is just not on. He just said it to piss her off. It wasn't done in a way to try and make her see what her problem is and help her out, it was just mean spirited. On the other hand, it's fucking Holly and she would have been put down long ago if she were an animal
This argument is much bigger than the other ones, since this one has Jay throwing drinks off Vicky after she spat in his face. Real classy. I couldn't actually screencap the spitting though, but believe me when I say it happens. Gary and Greg have to literally drag Jay away before we the domestic violence starts, and away from them Vicky realises that spitting on him was the wrong thing to do in that situation. "All these huge arguments happening that are still going on now. We don't even realise Holly is gone - we should have had a fucking party!" Gary says, getting down to the real problem
"Am I that bad a judge of character?" Vicky complains later "I put so much time into him, and he turns out to be a vicious callous bully" She is clearly ignoring her own character here because she FUCKING SPAT IN HIS FACE. The next day, Jay and Vicky go out to lunch so they can try and draw the line under everything. They do, if only because this is going to be the last night of Geordie Shore. If they had done this 4 episodes ago, none of this would have happened. What a glorious world that would have been to live in
Like I said, it is the last night so everyone is going out together. Charlotte gets drunk and passes out in the club. Sophie takes her home, possibly in an attempt to get on the camera some more because she got by far the least limelight out of everyone. I am ok with this. They all go back to the house and they all bring someone back with them. The only problem is Gary - he shares a room with Charlotte, and she is asleep in her bed. He promised not to bang anyone while she is sleeping there, so we get a Scooby Doo esque scene of him running around the house trying to find somewhere to have sex with his girl. It ends up with him saying "fuck it" and they start doing it in the room with Charlotte
"What Gary did isn't on, but it's banger's rights" James says, probably believing in Squatter's rights too. Charlotte starts crying in the other bedroom, although I don't know if she's upset that Gary broke a promise or that he didn't have sex with her. Who knows? Who fucking cares? "I will never eat a parsnip again" Charlotte says, not letting this fucking thing go "If I see a parnsip I will get my knife and cut it to shreds" She has a fucking knife now!? Going back to my "Charlotte is a serial killer" theory
Next morning and everyone is packing to go home. It's so close to being over I start to remember what happiness feels like. Gary goes to apologise to Charlotte for last night, Charlotte accepts but she says she doesn't really care anymore. Everyone packs their things, Sophie starts crying and we get clips of stuff happening in the past few episodes. Then we get them saying how amazing the experience was and how they've changed. They haven't changed. Literally nothing has changed within any of them from the first episode to the last. That is the main constant throughout the entire show. And it is finally fucking over, on a high note for a change
Wait, what? A Magaluf special? Over two parts? And the first part is tonight!? No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..........
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