Hi, my name is Paul and I have a bug up my butt about Geordie Shore episode 5!
"I did what all guys do with their banker - go in, pay my deposit and then leave. Job done" is the first thing we hear from Gary. He has banged Charlotte again the night before and she is confused about where they stand. Vicky still moans about everyone hating her and how much she wants to leave. Also, after yesterdays debacle of the upload, today's episode is out of synch so the video is a bit ahead of the sound. It's not much of a problem, but it is offputting
Vicky calls her mother because she is upset, and starts crying. Now she knows how I feel after all these episodes. Charlotte and Sophie are handing out leaflets for their boss at a food fair and they agree they just want the tension to go. I'd be happy if something interesting happened. Vicky meets her mother and sister she doesn't feel alone. Honestly I fucking ignored it and spent the entire time there trying to synch up the audio with the video. When my attempts to re-synch the video is more interesting than what is happening on the show, it's pretty damning
Gary and Jay go to work at a hen night as...strippers, I think? Their boss tells them to take their pants off, which I think might be sexual harrassment. They do it anyways, and when they go in they find out it isn't a hen party after all, but a 40th birthday party. There's kids there and everything. "There was a 50 year old dancing with us...I didn't know that was allowed. She was wearing more revealing clothes then Sophie and Charlotte!" Gary complains, unhappy at his latest banker. Jay ends up banging a woman there, although we never see who the lucky lady is. I think that goes against the no touching rule because trust me, I know just about everything that breaks that rule
Vicky Sophie and Charlotte try and sort out their problems in the kitchen, and I'm struggling to even put the effort in to type about it. "I thought they liked me, and I was starting to like them" Vicky says, crying again. Again I want to point out she was slagging everyone off behind their backs first, that's why this whole situation started. Sophie gives this long pep talk about how everyone is a family and a team and they are all together and how Vicky can't leave. It is far more boring then it sounds, but it works and Vicky decides to stay. "After this I could sort out World peace" Sophie brags "I could be the Prime Minister! Have we ever had a Prime Minister who just wanted to get drunk and is a bit of a slag?" Like half of them you fucking idiot
The girls go out to build on their fragile truce and Sophie mentions that it's a good thing that Holly isn't here because they can't get with more guys because she had a boyfriend. I don't like this mentioning of Holly. It's like saying Bloody Mary into a mirror three times. They get back home and Charlotte decides to not speak to Gary. Instead of avoiding him, however, she just ignores him whenever he says something. Way to be a fucking child. She then ruins it by sleeping with him againthat night. A DURR DURR DURR MY NAME IS CHARLOTTE PLEASE HOLD THE WINDOW SEAT BECAUSE I NEED THE BEST PLACE TO LICK WHILE THINKING OF THESE GENIUS PLANS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
"Being away for a couple of days made me realise how much I missed the people in the house" Holly says on her triumphant return NO FUCK YOU HOLLY YOU BEING AWAY MADE ME REALISE HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE HATES YOU AND JUST GO AWAY. Charlotte's reaction to Holly returning is the same as mine, and Jay basically blanks her when she goes to tell him she comes back. In his defence she wakes him up to tell him, and also she is a fucking hellbeast. "I don't think she should have come back, to be honest" is Greg's assessment. He's right. He says other things about why but we all know why. She is fucking repugnant
"People either love me or hate me. Most people hate me, but if you love me that's great!" Holly says, clearly aware of how much everybody hates her. Their boss calls and says that Vicky Jay Gary and Charlotte are going to take salsa dancing lessons. It would have been a lot funnier if they took Sophie and Holly to salsa eating lessons but we can't have everything, apparently. If you think this is a cheap ploy to try and cause drama then you must have watched this show before. Everyone goes to the beach (at Tynemouth, the beach I used to go to before I started spending my hot summer days watching garbage like this) and the guys agree that Vicky complains a lot and Gary says they should go out pulling since they have no ties to anyone. He seems to be forgetting the worldie barmaid he spent the last episode wooing, but whatever, it's not like lack of continuity has just started now
They all go to dinner and they get a full roast, and of course Charlotte goes on about parsnips non stop because she is not in love with Gary. I said ages ago I didn't want Gary's cock to become a catchphrase and yet here we are. Fuck. Vicky storms off in a huff for absolutely no reason, because that is something new and original for the show. When they get back Greg tries to cheer her up and she just shuts him down completely. What a fucking bitch. Vicky then calls her boss to say she isn't going to salsa and then hangs up. "If you don't appreciate my honesty then you can fuck off, I'm not going" she says. I'm half execting her to have a bottle and be put down for a nap soon
At Salsa (minus Vicky, who is teething or something) and Gary isn't very good at it. "I think it's because he feels under pressure because he's in love with me. He keeps making mistakes and having to sit down to cool off because dancing with me is like being in heaven" Charlotte puts forward as an explanation. Girl you should change your name to Egypt because you got denial running through you
Going out that night and Vicky wants the guys and the girls to go out seperately. "It's just about me wanting to spend time with my girls!" Vicky insists. The guys think it's because she's a huffy bitch. They are both probably right. To mix things up a bit, Greg and Vicky have an argument. James mentions that Vicky thinks she is posh and respectable but she has a horrible mouth on her. He calls her "Geordie trash" and holy shit that would have been a much better name for the show
The guys go out and, surprise surprise, they have a good time together. They always fucking do. It seems its always Vicky being there which sours things. Maybe they could make that connection? Back in the house, the girls are getting ready to leave when SURPRISE Vicky is in a mood and doesn't want to go out. So the girls get her drunk and she goes out anyways. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING THIS WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHIT GODDAMN "We're going to paint the town red tonight!" Sophie prophesises, and I hope it's red with the blood of Holly after someone caves her skull in with a blunt instrument
The girls accidently meet the guys in town, but they stay together and it seems like they are all getting along great. Even Vicky cracks a smile or two. The only problem is Gary, who spends his time hitting on women and when Charlotte confronts him he says he can talk to whoever he wants. Suddenly, a shocking turn of events! That is Jay and Vicky fyi. When they get back home Sophie is throwing up because she is a drunken hussy. Charlotte confronts Gary again about the girls he was talking to and goes into way too much detail about what each girl looked like. Because she totally isn't in love with Gary. She then gets into bed with him, again because she isn't in love with him. I fucking hate everyone
Of course, now that Jay and Vicky are back together, they start trying to define their relationship again. Because it wasn't boring enough for the first three episodes. Next morning, Gary is ill and is throwing up everywhere. This isn't a hangover, this is a legit sickness. I hope it's the bubonic plague, but I'll take whatever I can get. Everyone sits around to sort out where Holly sleeps. Again, I hope it's on a pile of used needles in a place where there are no cameras. Jay puts forward that Gary moves into Jay's room and Holly goes into the guys room, which James shuts down. "It's not happening - me Gary and Greg despise her" James explains. Eventually, Charlotte and Gary move into Jay's room, Jay is in the boys room and Holly gets inwith the girls. What a fucking roundabout way to put some needless fucking drama into this show
Everyone but Gary goes out that night, and he isn't happy about it. You think you're unhappy, I have to fucking watch them. Vicky, unhappy about the situation with Jay, decides she wants to get with as many good looking guys as possible. BECAUSE THAT WORKED OUT SO WELL FOR YOU ALL THE OTHER TIMES YOU TRIED THIS. Charlotte ditches everyone so she can look after Gary. Not that she's in love with him or anything. Perish the thought! She gets into bed with him and falls sleep and starts snoring. Gary kicks her out. "I love her but I'm not putting up with that" Gary explains, probably not even aware he says he loves her
Back out, Holly is sulking in a corner because she feels left out. "She's an ambrrassment, nobody wanted to be seen with her" Greg says, probably inspired by Holly's parents favourite saying. She goes home and calls her boyfriend and tells him that she wanked Gary off on the first night. Remember when she should have done this four fucking episodes ago? Well now we get closure! Holly says she doesn't want to hurt him anymore, so he has to finish with her. "Holly, if you want to finish it then finish it. Don't fucking ask your lad to finish with you!" Jay says, nearly as irritated with her as I am. She starts going on about how she wishes she could be better for him but she isn't and he hangs up. She starts crying. SHE'S IN A GLASS BOX OF EMOTION!
Next morning Holly calls her boyfriend again and WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THAT YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH I HATE YOU I GENUINLY HATE YOU WITH EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING MEDICAL SCIENCE WILL BE ADVANCED IMMEASURABLY BY DISCOVERING ORGANS INSIDE OF ME WHICH EXIST FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF HATING YOU
She begs him to finish her again and as Vicky walks past her as she says this, Holly grins and gives the thumbs up. Vicky is really confused by this. I'm not, since it's nothing more than attention whoring. She feels left out by the group so she builds pointless drama with her boyfriend who she knows will forgive her. It's pathetic. She is pathetic. Everything is shit. "I do not know what is going on in that girl's head" Vicky says. Not fucking much, love
That night, one of Gary's friends is out and Gary gets him to hit on Holly for a joke. Suddenly, Holly's boyfriend and some of her friends come walking in. UH OH, DRAMA! Even though Holly told him to come out that night on the phone but didn't tell anyone else about it so this could have easily been avoided. Holly actually pretends to be surprised that he turns up despite fucking telling him to be there.My caps lock screams in anticipation of the abuse it's going to get
Vicky hooks Charlotte up with someone she knows, and she gets sick of him wanting to kiss all the time. She gets Sophie to go with her, and Gary and Greg tag along to make it seem like she isn't avoiding the dude. Back at the club, Holly comes to the conclusion she has to finish her boyfriend. Yes, after spending every fucking episode so far going on about how much she loves him and how great he is, she decides now - after he's taken her back for cheating - to dump him. There are no words, just loud screams of anguish at her continued existence. With her boyfriend still in the club, she tells Gary's friend to go back to the house with her. She then doesn't dump her boyfriend, and the show ends, as does my will to live
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