Geordie Shore Episode 3 - Revenge of the Geordies

Geordie Shore is nothing but a mirror held up against reality. It has made a mockery of our entire existence. Here is episode 3

We start (without a recap) with Charlotte waking up and having sex with Gary, making all of the games they played with each other in the last episode fucking pointless. Everything they did in the last episode was building to less of a "Will they won't they" situation and more of a "when wil lthey" situation and then they throw it away for free at the start of the third episode after Charlotte shut Gary down completely at the end of the second episode. When an episode ends on a cliffhanger (or the nearest Geordie Shore will get to a cliffhanger) you don't resolve it one minute into the next episode

"That's it. No more, it won't happen again" says Charlotte, for some reason. Nobody believes her, not even herself "I bet by tomorrow I'll be shagging him again" she says immeadiatly afterwards. "I can see where this is going." Jay says "Charlotte will have feelings for Gary. To be honest I don't think he's going to care about it. To Gary, Charlotte is just there if he fancies a fuck, basically" You know, I like this insightful Jay because he's the only person who can see shit for what it is. Jay, get rid of James and be bros with Greg and the two of you go around calling everyone out on their shit

"She's walking like John Wayne today, poor girl" Sophie coos. This doesn't make sense since John Wayne is DEAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT! We cut back to Vicky and Jay who are still trying to figure out where they stand, despite sorting things out last night. Continuity? Who fucking needs it!? Jay decides to arranage a date to sort everything out, Vicky agrees

Gary and Charlotte have been paired together at work today "I love Gary and Charlotte (together) to an extent, but that is a love affair that will end in tears" Vicky points out, going against what she did for the entire last episode where she was trying to stop them from getting together. Nobody means what they say or do, this entire fucking program is an exercise in futility! Fuck! "This is going to be a Shakespearian tragedy, mark my words" Vicky continues. At least she agrees with me on the fact it's going to end with everyone being murdered

"I'm not happy with it - she (Charlotte) is my little sister and I'm not going to let my little sister get her heart broken" says Sophie. I wish Sophie would shut up. She is nearly as annoying as Holly, but the show basically ignores her most of the time so it's not as bad. Gary has to hand out champagne to people as a meet and greet, and Charlotte is there with a clipboard as the bouncer. "I don't think she can even read" Gary points out, perhaps not unfairly. A problem arises when two people on the list are Charlotte's exs parents! Uh oh! Things turn better when they tell Charlotte they miss her "Really!? Do you miss is (me)? I'm the best aren't I?" she screams wildly as people in the queue stare at her like she's an idiot. They aren't wrong

"She doesn't understand life, she doesn't understand anything, life is a big joke to her so being around her make the day go so much quicker" Gary says about Charlotte, which is a really good backhand compliment, with more focus on the backhand. "I think he's in love with is (me) I think he's falling in love with is (me)" Charlotte says. She is the stupidest fucking girl in existence. Move over Holly and Sophie, a new queen is in town

Next up we have the best dialogue in human existence. Gary is a fucking arsehole but he really makes it work. "We can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. Me and Charlotte paying bills or sorting out a mortgage, it just wouldn't happen" Gary then says. "If I get the balance right, make her aware I'm going t obe after other girls, I could have a very good thing going on" he continues, unaware she will murder him in his sleep for trying this

Jay James Greg and Holly are in the garden, and it's brought up that Holly was getting with some other guy last night even though she's obsessed with her boyfriend. Greg's reaction to this sums the entire situation up completely. "She just says one lie after another, and the latest one is her and her boyfriend have a pact" Vicky summarises "I'd be very surprised if her boyfriend is that much of a mug" Lets find out, since Holly's best friend and boyfriend turn up! How convenient!

"Fuck! This has the potential to kick off and cause damage" Jay says. He's a fucking guru, I swear. "I thought it was her gay mate she keeps gannin (going) on about" James says "But no, it was just her boyfriend" James really needs more camera time. "When her boyfriend came through the door, my jaw hit the floor. He was alreet (alright) you know? No major deformities, nothing massively wrong with him to the naked eye" Vicky says "And I'm wondering 'Why the fuck are you with her?'" I love how Holly is the punching bag of everyone in the house.

"I know what she's been up to so it's a bit weird. The Posh and Becks of Middlesborough!?" Greg says. "I don't think he knows what a fool she's making out of him" James comments. "I don't think she wants him here, in case someone tells him what she's really like" Vicky says. I just want them to slag Holly off some more. She is worthless. "I think Holly is taking the piss, always going on about all the guys she's got with and then how much she misses her boyfriend" Jay says. Holly tells him she kissed some guy last night "You told me" he replied. "No I never" is her response. Jesus girl you are a fucking moron

"Fucking hell!" her boyfriend exclaims. "Whaaaat?" is Holly's response. YOU JUST TOLD HIM YOU WERE KISSING OTHER DUDES, DON'T BE CONFUSED WHEN HE GETS ANGRY. She starts going on about being spooning partners with Gary on the first night and her boyfriends reaction tells its own story. He's been here less than a few minutes and he's already sickof her shit. Try two and a bit episodes, mate. "A kiss means fuck all. She's with me" Holly's boyfriend eventually says, proving the two of them should be together forever, hopefully in a gulag. Everyone else leaves them alone and are worried about if anything will happen when Gary gets back. This is actually the first piece of drama, as forced as it feels, that is actually interesting!

Nothing happens when Gary comes back, and although Gary admits it is awkward, he still sits down with them for a bit. "I don't want to be, 'you alright mate?' and then dissappear like I'm hiding" Gary says. I can understand that, but at the same time fuuuuuuuck. Gary stays there for a bit, and when he leaves Holly says "Get over it, man!" Urrrghh she is the fucking worst

We go now to Jay and Vicky's date where they try to sort out where they stand. I'll not tell you what they say, since they basically repeat what they've done for the past episode, but they do agree to carry on the way they are. This makes this entire date fucking pointless AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

It's night now, and everyone is apprehensive because Holly's boyfriend is still here and they are worried that something will start when they go out. Of course, since something starting would be interesting and not utterly pointless I'm taking a guess that nothing is going to fucking happen. Things seem pretty normal at first "Holly's boyfriend has spent most of the night motorboating her breasts" Vicky says. The guys don't seem too thrilled either. "I just wanted to shake his hand and say 'Unlucky mate, but she's yours'" Gary says. Oh Gary, I just can't stay mad at you

Who wants more needless and avoidable Vicky and Jay drama? Nobody? TOO BAD! Vicky tells Jay she won't get with anyone tonight, Jay says he won't either then. This upsets Vicky so she then goes and gets with someone. Jay doesn't know about it, so when Vicky goes back to him and Jay is all over her she feels terrible. I feel terrible too because this whole shit is fucking boring. "We're all a group, but Holly and her boyfriend stick out like a sore thumb. What are they doing with us!?" Greg asks. He makes a fair point since Holly got drunk and was climbing onto tables "She is a health and safety hazard" Vicky says. At least we're back to things I agree on - slagging off Holly. Holly falls back drunk onto a vase and breaks it, the stupid mare

When Vicky moves her aside so she can clean things up, Holly starts screaming and crying like a fucking child. Why? I DON'T KNOW! Everyone else in the show I can see their motivations for doing what they do, except for Holly. She is an enigma, if enigmas had huge fake tits and I hated them. Holly then storms off and leaves "Who gives a fuck? I really don't care anymore" Vicky says, joining the team of calling people out on their shit

"My mission of the house is pretty much to bang Vicky" Jay says almost nonchalantly "Vicky says it takes months for a lad to bang her, but you know what? I could do it in weeks!" This isn't such a great claim when the show is maybe 2 weeks long and half of it is over already. "Jay has to work hard to bang me, and I don't know if he has it in him" Vicky points out, again probably being right. In the guest bedroom Holly is still crying because everyone hates her. Boo fucking hoo

The next day it's Jay's birthday, so the guys wake him up nice and early! "It's going to be a national holiday, everyone will know about Jay's birthday!" Sophie brags. Hold up sweetheart, he's not Nelson fucking Mandela. "I was like 'nice one, but will you let me get back to fucking kip (sleep)!?'" Jay says. I think he's far too nice for his own good really since when Charlotte bombs in later he is friendly to her. "Holly didn't sign the card...neither did Vicky, now that I think about it" Charlotte points out "I just tashed on with him, what more would you want on your birthday?" Vicky says smugly. A card would be nice, love

"When I woke up I felt like shit, like I embarrassed myself" Holly says, the only surprise being that this is the first time she has said this "I don't know what I want, sometimes I want to stay, sometimes I want to go" she continues. I just want her to fall down a hole and get stuck in a hole and then die in the hole. "If Holly left the house that night I wouldn't even know" Jay says, laughing. I laughed too, if only because our mutual hatred of Holly is forming a bond between us. "One minute she wants to stay, the next she wants to go. Nobody is that bipolar apart from Kerry Katona. She is taking the piss" Vicky says. She sure is laying the burns down in this episode

Holly's boyfriend then leaves, and the rest of the girls are in the hot tub. Charlotte has to turn it off so they could say bye, but then he just stands there. "I wanted to turn it back on, but I had to be polite. What was he standing there for!?" Charlotte complains. Eventually she just turns it back on and he leaves

Everyone goes go karting for Jay's birthday. Charlotte is racing Greg and James says to Gary "Your girlfriend is beating Greg" Gary's response? "Aye, she probably will" A second's pause and James says "So she's your girlfriend like?" Gary mutters a "fuck" and then starts laughing. "I didn't even say anything and he ripped the piss out of me. I was fucking gutted!" Gary later bemoans

When they all get back to the house, some of Jay's family and friends come over to celebrate his birthday. Vicky is nowhere to be seen though "I think it's because we were telling her to come meet her mother-in-law" James says. Everyone just makes fun of each other constantly, it's actually pretty funny if it wasn't so boring. "Vicky eventually met my Mother, but I don't really remember it since I was fucking wrecked by that stage" Jay says

They all go to Marco Polo's for a meal "I kind of maintaned a sembelance of harmony that night" says Vicky. Huh? The fuck do you even mean!? "I felt like I got a girlfriend role...it was quite nice" Why didn't you just say that!? "Jay and Vicky would probably update their Facebook to In a Relationship, that's how serious they are" Charlotte says. The internet has ruined everything forever. "I am not falling for Gary, so people need to stop talking to me about it or else I'll smash someone's face in, probably Gary's" Charlotte says later, being the only person who clearly can't see what's happening here

They all go to Powerhouse, and Jay goes into the toilets with a blonde girl. Vicky starts going ballistic and all the girls charge into the toilets to confront them. A bouncer is in there too though so they don't do anything. It ends up they didn't go to the same toilet - she went to the ladies and he went into guys. Literally nothing happened. This would be interesting if Vicky didn't know this, but she does so nothing at all changed. When Jay finds out though he's furious and having a shouting match with Vicky of her lack of trust in regards to him. "That's not on like, we're just here to shag and have fun, not this" Greg points out

When they get home, I hope you are all looking forward to Jay and Vicky still being unable to define their relationship! Because that's all there is for the next few minutes. Editing could have chopped this down because it's boring as fuck and absolutely nothing happens that hasn't happened two or three times before.

The next morning, Charlotte Sophie and Vicky are in the guest room peeling potatoes. The fact this is the "shag pad" and they are peeling potatoes in there isn't lost on them, and they all laugh. Vicky makes fun of Charlotte for having her eyelashes in still "You just want to look good for Gary!" she points out, laughing. "I don't even like Gary that much, I don't know why everyone keeps pointing it out" Charlotte complains. She then gets the idea that if she brings someone back to the guest room then that will prove she has no feelings for Gary. Huh? How does that work?

"Nobody is being intentionally nasty, nobody isn't saying anything bad about me, it's just the little things" Holly says as her pity party continues onwards. "I think she thinks she is a bit left out, but I don't think she thinks its because everyone hates her. Which is the real reason why she's left out" Charlotte says. Nobody likes her. She is a fucking mess. I hope she leaves and never comes back

Later that night, everyone is out and Charlotte is upset "There weren't many nice guys out, and I needed to prove I was a better player than Gary" she moans. Gary meanwhile has been hitting on the barmaid at the club for weeks now, and she's finally single! He gets her number as well! "I've never been so excited to go out on a date, Greg style!" he squeals happily. "I'm a barmaid too!" Charlotte says, not at all jealous "I bet I'm a better barmaid too"

"I wanted to give it one more night to prove that the group weren't leaving me out, but it's blatently obvious that they are!" Holly moans. LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK! She actually does leave, and most people don't notice and the few who do don't give a shit. Holly goes home, packs her stuff and leaves. The world suddenly got a bit better. Colours became brighter, food tastes a bit better. "The way things are I can't see myself coming back" she says before she leaves. "Good fucking riddance" everyone alive replies. EPISODE 4 IS GOING TO BE GREAT SINCE HOLLY IS GONE!