Geordie Shore Magaluf Madness Part 1 - A day late and a dollar short / my son is also named Bort

Alright, this is a day late because I couldn't find a torrent for it and also because I refused to sit in front of a 42 inch HDTV watching Geordie Shore. It would be like wiping my arse after an incredibly watery shit with the MonaLisa. You just do not do that sort of thing. Not to mention how awkward it is to rewind Sky + and also any screenshots would be from my phone, which doesn't actually work because my phone is an idiot

Talking of idiots, I hope you missed these ones in the 2 or 3 weeks since episode 6 aired on TV or a day in which I didn't post anything. I know some people have actually followed through and watched the entire series after my Geordie Shore round ups, and if you ignore me and everyone on Geordie Shore then they are the biggest idots of them all

"We're going to Magaluf!" Sophie exclaims at the start "I'm gonna shag a scruff!" she then continue, not really getting rap. Yes, all 8 of them are going to Magaluf for a period of time because ????? and then I watch it. I bet the twist at the end of this is that I have been in purgatory this entire time. "It's a new me!" Holly says. She is a ginger now. I didn't think I could hate her any more then I already did, but WELP! "When you split up with someone you always get new hair, don't you?" I wouldn't know, women can sense my worthlessness from a 3 mile radius

Everyone then agrees that this is really not going to go well since everyone was sick of each other by the end of the series. Charlotte and Gary aren't happy with each other, Jay and Vicky don't like each other, nobody likes Holly. It's almost as if MTV saw the last episode, decided that since everyone hated each other it was the best one and gave them a reason to fight some more. "There's no more birds in Newcastle, we've done them all" says Gary, maybe forgetting theres a lot of fat women in Newcastle "So where else better to go to then Magaluf?" Anywhere without you, for a start

Also, I just want to point out that the show has went on for less than two minutes and I've already seen Holly get her tits out. This is going to be my struggle

"Lads go on holiday to pull women and get proper (really) mortal (drunk)" James says. That is really the only thing James does anyways. It's the same shit at a different place, which should give you the idea of what is ahead (needless arguments that never fucking end) "My main regret is getting involved with Vicky" Jay says. Let's not even start with my regrets, we'll be here for a while. You may notice that someone is missing from the car - Gary. "I bet he'll come out with Charlotte" James says, and everyone laughs

It's a lot less funny when that is literally what happens in the very next scene. Gary is terrified because Charlotte is a bad driver and they are already acting like a married couple and motherfucker this is going to be exactly the same shit. We cut back to Vicky's house and she is apprehensive about things "I could easily go to Magaluf, chill out, get a good tan - but I'll have to do it with those bunch of bellends, won't I?" she explains. "I realy love some of them in the house, but I fucking hate some others" she continues like she is the only person in the world to not like some people. Fuck off, lady

Sophie is then driving through Magaluf shouting "GEORDIE SHORE!" to people on the streets. She does this because she is fucking stupid. "If I'm going to be sick on myself or in a toilet, what better place to do it then Magaluf?" she asks. She asks this because she is fucking stupid. "It'sall about snogging blokes, grinding dirty, in my bikini" Holly says, and I won't even get into how stupid this girl is. "I left twice, and I wont leave a third time. If I do, it'll be forever" Holly then says, getting my hopes up that she will leave forever. Why is she even here now she knows everyone hates her? ARGH I HATE YOU

"It is fucking mint (good) and I've never seen anything like it in my life!" Holly exclaims when she gets there first. It's a fucking house, I know you live in Middlesnborough but I'm sure they have houses there. "I'm going to dance on chairs, do what I want, even roll around in my own sick. I'm going to have the best time of my life" Holly then says, having some fucking weird fetishes

Sophie is there next and they both have a look around. Allthey find in the fridge though is a loaf of bread. "Get that fucking bread out of there and get the alcohol in!" Sophie says demandingly. Hey, bread won food of the year for five years in a row, don't disrespect bread like that! Jay James and Greg turn up next. Jay shows remorse for being mean to Holly, James isn't impressed with her new hair, Greg says she looks like a stripper. At least the things you like don't change either

Charlotte and Gary turn up next and Charlotte is amazed with Holly. "She's like a new person, like a red haired......tomato! Like a big cherry tomato in my face and it looks really good" Charlotte says excitedly. Get a crown sweetheart because you are the queen of compliments. The doorbell rings again and everyone goes to let Vicky in. "I was like 'Wow, Vicky's changed!'" Holly says, managing that line without any sort of comedic worth. Yes, it's not Vicky but some dude who owns the house they are staying in. Basically, he's the new boss. He lays down some rules - keep it tidy, which clearly will be ignored, and the other is someone must be in the house at all times. "How fucking rude! Is he mad!?" Jay complains. Everyone decides to ignore him and go out tonight anyways. They do this because they are fucking stupid

Back in Newcastle, and Vicky is packing. I thought Vicky in Newcastle was to show her apprehension for going in a flashback kind of way, but no. Everyone else is literally in Magaluf and she is in Newcastle whining about whether she wants to go or not. She does go in the end, making the whole thing pointless. How I missed thee, Geordie Shore. Back in Magaluf,everyone ignores the boss and goes out that night. Vicky hasn't turned up yet FYI. Just want to point out that Gary looks like a right twat with that vest on. Also want to point out that Holly is the reason I gave up on claymation, looking like the title character from Wallace and Gromit and the Snaggletooth Moonface

They all go into a club and the MC shouts "THE GEORDIES ARE HERE!" and everyone cheers. It's like Magaluf is bizzaro world, especially as how most of the clubs in Newcastle refused to let the people from Geordie Shore into their clubs. They all get up onto the bar like it's Coyote Ugly. They then have to do positions from the Kama Sutra because ???? Anyways, Holly gets paired up with James which he isn't happy about. "Honestly, I had about 5 nights in a row where I dreamt of having sex with James" Holly admits. Even when she broke up with her boyfriend she is clowning him

Meanwhile, Vicky finally gets there and the place is empty. That means one of them did stay behind and their boss has to be happy! Everybody wins! Vicky realises that thdere are only 3 beds in the girls room and she has no idea where her bed is. Whoa oh! I smell Vicky kicking off and arguing with people instead of trying to sort things out in a calm and mature manner!

Meanwhile, Gary is going Kama Sutra positions with some girl and Charlotte looks miserable. "It doesn't bother me at all" she says, before complaining that the girl isn't even nice looking. Charlotte being in denial and not being honest with herself about Gary covers the category of nothing fucking changes ever. Gary starts talking to the girl about going back to th house with him, and the girls go into the toilet and Charlotte says she feels so sorry for her. Fucking seriously!?

The guys get asked to be judges in a wet t shirt contest, which I can't take pictures of because there are no t shirts in this contest. Holly gets up onstage and dances with a girl and the guys are impressed that she actually came out of her shell. It ends with Holly and the girl kissing, and then Holly gets her tits out. "I feel like a part of the family again!" she says excitedly. Congrats, you only had to kiss a girl and get your tits out to be accepted by a bunch of idiots. I'm so happy for you!

Back in the house, Vicky takes "the shag pad" because there are no other beds. "I don't give a fuck" she snaps to herself "It's my bed now, and there's going to be no shagging here!"

"It's Magaluf, but everyone calls it Shagaluf. It's called Shagaluf or a reason" Jay says. Actually, it isn't called Shagaluf for a reason, and that reason is it's called Magaluf, you fucking moron. Gary gets with another blonde, Charlotte is not happy about it but still tells everyone she doesn't care. I bet you could lock them all up in a Russian gulag for the next Geordie Shore special and Charlotte would still be jealous when Gary gets raped in the shower by someone named Vlad

Everyone goes back to the house, Gary with his blonde girl and Jay goes back with two sisters. Jesus. Gary disappears with his girl and you get a little montage of them in bed with the sheets covering them. Cool. Jay realises he can't get himself and the two sisters onto his bed, so he takes them to the shag pad where Vicky is asleep, but not for long. Jay begs Vicky for the room, and she does give it to him with little argument. She then whines about whether she made the right decision to come out. "Oh I think I made the wrong choice in going on this free holiday to Magaluf!"

Next morning, Gary sends his girl off in a taxi and brags about his "3 hour session" with her. "I've had them before, it's boring as fuck" Charlotte says dissmissively. Not at all jealous. No. Everyone but Sophie goes to the beach, and Vicky starts arguing with James. Gentle James, who has never hurt a soul. Back at the house, the boss turns up again and tells them off for not leaving anyone to stay in the house when they went out last night. He then tells them two people have to stay in, so Greg and Gary bite the bullet and stay in

So when everyone goes out, Holly obviously starts getting it on with anything with a pulse, Jay starts hitting on a blonde and Sophie is upset at the lack of talent "Fuck slut of the year, I'm the virgin of the week" she complains. By the end of this she will be watching anime. Vicky and James make up from their argument before and everything is alright again! Hurray!

The next day, everyone goes to the beach (again) and Sophie decides virgin of the week isn't for her, so she and Vicky go get some dudes numbers. They girls decide to tell the guys they'll stay in that night, but secretely go out with these guys they just met and get back without the guys noticing. They fall for it completely, because they are self centered idiots

Greg and James are a bit worried they haven't pulled yet, so Gary turns his charm up as their wingmen. Meanwhile, the girls go out with the dudes they met before "I'm really liking the craic, like" Sophie says "They aren't going on about banging lasses all the time" Charlotte points out. Sophie then gets her tits out for some unknown reason. I don't even know

The guys decide to go to a strip club. There doesn't seem to be a no touching rule over there, so things escalate pretty quickly. They get strippers numbers and then move on. The girls are still with the guys they found, and Charlotte and Vicky seem to be competing for the same guy. Needless drama? Say it ain't so! The guys get home without women "They're still working" Jay says. They brought food for the girls, but they aren't home. The guys aren't happy, especially Greg who took one for the team but the girls couldn't be bothered to do that

The girls come in at this point. They're drunk and brought a bunch of lads with them. The guys are furious about this. They want to go to bed, but the girls won't be quiet so an argument starts. Gary calls Charlotte ugly and she bursts into tears. "I wouldn't mind it from anyone else but from Gary it really hurts" Jesus lady, you are totally not in love with him. That's all that happens, but we have a part 2 coming next week! Best line from the preview is Vicky's "Gary and Charlotte are like Romeo and Juliet...if Romeo was a fucking twat"

Geordie Shore Episode 6 - Return of the Why-Aye

This is it. The 6th and last episode of Geordie Shore. After this I never have to watch it again. No matter what shit Geordie Show throws into my mouth and tells me it is ice cream, I've made it this far and I can take it. Do your worst, Geordie Shore, for your time has come

The recap goes through all 5 other episodes for some reason. It manages to cut down everything important from the last 5 episodes into under a minute. Over 4 hours of program, down to under a minute. WAY TO MAKE YOUR OWN SHOW SEEM IRRELEVANT! We start the show with Charlotte waking up and getting into bed with Gary. She also decides she will tell him how she feels about him. I couldn't give a shit since the show is nearly over

Elsewhere, Vicky and Jay are still no closer to defining their relationship. They kind of want to be together but they want to get with other people and they don't want to argue, which is basically all they do. They haven't moved from this position since the first fucking episode. Greg is unhappy since he has to go work with Holly, or "My idea of hell" as he puts it. Surprisingly, doing anything with Holly is up there on my visions of Hell. They have to hand out leaflets and get people into a furniture store but, as Greg puts it, "Holly was there with her tits nearly hanging out, looking like a drag queen and scaring everyone off". "We only got 2 people in three hours" Holly later says. Gee, I wonder why?

Holly's boyfriend comes walking along and asks to talk with her. Alright, hold on a minute. He turns up at the club because Holly told him to. But he just so happens to appear at a fucking furniture store in the middle of fucking nowhere at this exact time for a heart to heart? Is he psychic!? Does he have Holly chipped and is following her location via satelite!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?

"If she doesn't fancy him, dump him. He won't dump her because he loves her, no idea why, but they are both just being pussies" Wise Greg summarises for those of you clever enough to ignore everything Holly does. They do break up, although she still tries to make him do it. If she wanted to break up so muchwhy wouldn't she just do it herself to save all this pointless fucking drama? Argh I hate you Holly!

Holly and Greg come back and Holly goes on about how she'ssingle now. "I think this is a big thing for Holly" says Charlotte "But nobody gives a shit" Reminder that Charlotte is the person who likes Holly the most in the house. "So Holly's single now and all the guys were buzzing!" Gary says, and then he does this as well. James did it earlier to show sarcasm, I really don't get it at all but when it's used to show sarcastic interest in Holly it is hilarious

Their boss calls to tell James and another guy of his choosing that he is to be a topless butler at a bar. When he finds out, he isn't happy "THAT'S A FUCKING GAY BAR!" he exclaims. If he picks Jay then I can see their blossoming romance starting right now. "I'm gonna tell Jay there's gonna be loads of birds there, and if he can get away from Vicky then he can come with is (me)" James says, looking far too happy about this

Greg's had a shit day at work and wants to let off some steam. Sadly for him, everyone is going to the dogs in Sunderland, except for Jay and James who aregoing to a gay bar. The girls get themselves glammed up and when they get there this is what they see. "It's like a tuesday night in a social club!" Vicky complains. Hey, it's Tuesday today! I might go to a social club for a few cheeky pints to celebrate not having to watch this show any more

Gary and Greg are getting into the bets, making some money, dollar dollar bill y'all, when Charlotte pulls him away to have a heart to heart at the side of a dog racing track. Real fucking smooth there, love. Gary of course shuts that down straight away, and Charlotte is upset, despite knowing this would happen in the fucking first place. They agree that if they bring someone back to the house they wouldn't have sex in their room with the other person in the bed a few feet away, something Jay and Vicky should have done a long time ago to avoid fallout, and that's it. All that build up for the entire show of Charlotte and Gary and it just...stops. I'd complain about how pointless and anti climatic it is, but I couldn't give a shit because it's nearly over now

James and Jay get to the gay bar, but it ends up it's their bosses night out with all the girls she works with. So there's no gays in sight, and the relief in their voices tells a fucking story. Their boss hooks the two of them up with her niece and one of her friends, and the guys are a bit weirded out. Not just because their boss is trying to get them laid, but because they can't hump them and dump them like all the other girls because they don't want to rock the boatwith their boss. Needless drama? On Geordie Shore!?

"Where else would you be on a Saturday night!?" Sophie exclaims "Dog racing is like bingo. I love bingo! I love dogs! It's perfect" This is just an example of the shit I will not miss when all of this is over. Jay and James turn up with the girls, and the introduction was "This is Anna's (Anna is their boss FYI - I never actually typed it in here since it is ust easier to type the boss) niece" Jay actually thought that would convince Vicky that he wasn't trying to pull her, that it was just done to appease their boss. It doesn't work. You have three guesses as to where this will end up

Everyone then goes to the disco at the dog track. Not on the dog track. That would be surreal. No, it's in one of the back rooms inside the building the dog track is situated. Jay realises Vicky is angry with him, he doesn't even want the girls there and he eventually manages to get them into a taxi. The next day is apparently a bank holiday, so everyone goes to Jesmond. "It's the place to be on a bank holiday since it is wall to wall with fanny" Greg explains. A wall made of vaginas is actually a terrirfying concept, fyi

Jay and Vicky agree they will only kiss each other (so basically a relationship) but later Jay is talking to some women and Vicky flips out. They argue OF COURSE THEY FUCKING ARGUE. James comes up with his own theory - of course, it's about sex "Vicky won't bang anyone unless they put the work in, and she doesn't think Jay has put enough work in. But she says she isn't interested in sex, if she isn't a banger then why make a big deal out of it? If she isn't interested then why not let him go at it because he clearly is?" It's a fair point I guess but there is no possible way for me to give less of a shit about any of this at this point

Back at the house, Jay and Vicky argue some more because that is just Geordie Shore canon at this point. "They would be a terrible couple - they can't even talk to each other, they just argue all the time" Greg points out. "You know that cube with the colours on, and you're trying to get all the colours on one side, like all yellow on one side and all green on another, and you can't do it? Their relationship is like that" says Charlotte. No lies I actually screamed at my laptop in anger when she said that

Jay and Vicky go upstairs laughing and giggling, so everyone thinks they are gonna bang and maybe try and sort things out. NOPE THEY JUST ARGUE SOME MORE. They then kiss and make up again and even the people in the house with them are sick of this shit. The next day is bank holiday monday, so everyone ges to Whitley Bay. I used to go there too! Admittedly, I went to the beach when I was 13 or 14 and not when I'm 24 going clubbing. Whatever. There's a nice chippie there though, or it was 10 years ago. We also get to see Charlotte and Holly talk to each other while their mouthes are full of food, so it'stwo people I really don't like doing the bad habit I hate the most. Lovely

Everyone gets back from Whitley Bay and guess what? If you said "an argument happens" then you are the reincarnation of Nostradamus. Greg and Holly start arguing because everyone is out in the garden, Holly starts to light up a cigarette and Greg asks her to move. It's not that nobody else smokes - Jay is literally smoking at the same time and he gets up and moves away before he even lights up. Greg just wants her to move away while she does it. It's not a completely unreasnoble thing to do, let's be honest. She reacts by smashing her glass against the floor and storming off. She then storms back a minute later to scream at Greg, and then she storms off once again

So after over reacting to such a massive level about someone not wanting smoke in their face, Holly decides she needs to leave. Again. If she got hit by a car right now I would be happy. Not killed though, that would be awful. Just enough damage so she will never talk again. That would be perfect. "I can't handle this, everyone is being so thick!" Holly wails. Vicky steps in to try and sort things out, because she is the epitome of sound judgement when she isn't involved, but even she realises that this is fucking stupid. Holly refuses to listen though

Jay tells Holly to stay for a second and says "You know, before you left, I thought you were alright. But now that you've come back, you've done my fucking head in" he says, right to her fucking face. Gary bursts out laughing at this. "I'm not two faced so I had to say it to her face" Jay says. I don't think I've ever seen so much hatred in a persons face as the one Vicky gives him after that. Holly then starts crying, all the guys are either in shock or stitches and the girls are furious with him. Holly then leaves. Again. I hope she contracts polio

Vicky then confronts Jay about being horrible to Holly to her face. All the times Vicky was horrible to her behind her back is fine, but doing it to her face is too much? Holly knew people talked about her behind her back and that nobody liked her. Honestly, I get both sides. Vicky is right since saying something like that is just not on. He just said it to piss her off. It wasn't done in a way to try and make her see what her problem is and help her out, it was just mean spirited. On the other hand, it's fucking Holly and she would have been put down long ago if she were an animal

This argument is much bigger than the other ones, since this one has Jay throwing drinks off Vicky after she spat in his face. Real classy. I couldn't actually screencap the spitting though, but believe me when I say it happens. Gary and Greg have to literally drag Jay away before we the domestic violence starts, and away from them Vicky realises that spitting on him was the wrong thing to do in that situation. "All these huge arguments happening that are still going on now. We don't even realise Holly is gone - we should have had a fucking party!" Gary says, getting down to the real problem

"Am I that bad a judge of character?" Vicky complains later "I put so much time into him, and he turns out to be a vicious callous bully" She is clearly ignoring her own character here because she FUCKING SPAT IN HIS FACE. The next day, Jay and Vicky go out to lunch so they can try and draw the line under everything. They do, if only because this is going to be the last night of Geordie Shore. If they had done this 4 episodes ago, none of this would have happened. What a glorious world that would have been to live in

Like I said, it is the last night so everyone is going out together. Charlotte gets drunk and passes out in the club. Sophie takes her home, possibly in an attempt to get on the camera some more because she got by far the least limelight out of everyone. I am ok with this. They all go back to the house and they all bring someone back with them. The only problem is Gary - he shares a room with Charlotte, and she is asleep in her bed. He promised not to bang anyone while she is sleeping there, so we get a Scooby Doo esque scene of him running around the house trying to find somewhere to have sex with his girl. It ends up with him saying "fuck it" and they start doing it in the room with Charlotte

"What Gary did isn't on, but it's banger's rights" James says, probably believing in Squatter's rights too. Charlotte starts crying in the other bedroom, although I don't know if she's upset that Gary broke a promise or that he didn't have sex with her. Who knows? Who fucking cares? "I will never eat a parsnip again" Charlotte says, not letting this fucking thing go "If I see a parnsip I will get my knife and cut it to shreds" She has a fucking knife now!? Going back to my "Charlotte is a serial killer" theory

Next morning and everyone is packing to go home. It's so close to being over I start to remember what happiness feels like. Gary goes to apologise to Charlotte for last night, Charlotte accepts but she says she doesn't really care anymore. Everyone packs their things, Sophie starts crying and we get clips of stuff happening in the past few episodes. Then we get them saying how amazing the experience was and how they've changed. They haven't changed. Literally nothing has changed within any of them from the first episode to the last. That is the main constant throughout the entire show. And it is finally fucking over, on a high note for a change

Wait, what? A Magaluf special? Over two parts? And the first part is tonight!? No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..........

Geordie Shore Episode 5 - The Geordie Strikes Back

Hi, my name is Paul and I have a bug up my butt about Geordie Shore episode 5!

"I did what all guys do with their banker - go in, pay my deposit and then leave. Job done" is the first thing we hear from Gary. He has banged Charlotte again the night before and she is confused about where they stand. Vicky still moans about everyone hating her and how much she wants to leave. Also, after yesterdays debacle of the upload, today's episode is out of synch so the video is a bit ahead of the sound. It's not much of a problem, but it is offputting

Vicky calls her mother because she is upset, and starts crying. Now she knows how I feel after all these episodes. Charlotte and Sophie are handing out leaflets for their boss at a food fair and they agree they just want the tension to go. I'd be happy if something interesting happened. Vicky meets her mother and sister she doesn't feel alone. Honestly I fucking ignored it and spent the entire time there trying to synch up the audio with the video. When my attempts to re-synch the video is more interesting than what is happening on the show, it's pretty damning

Gary and Jay go to work at a hen night as...strippers, I think? Their boss tells them to take their pants off, which I think might be sexual harrassment. They do it anyways, and when they go in they find out it isn't a hen party after all, but a 40th birthday party. There's kids there and everything. "There was a 50 year old dancing with us...I didn't know that was allowed. She was wearing more revealing clothes then Sophie and Charlotte!" Gary complains, unhappy at his latest banker. Jay ends up banging a woman there, although we never see who the lucky lady is. I think that goes against the no touching rule because trust me, I know just about everything that breaks that rule

Vicky Sophie and Charlotte try and sort out their problems in the kitchen, and I'm struggling to even put the effort in to type about it. "I thought they liked me, and I was starting to like them" Vicky says, crying again. Again I want to point out she was slagging everyone off behind their backs first, that's why this whole situation started. Sophie gives this long pep talk about how everyone is a family and a team and they are all together and how Vicky can't leave. It is far more boring then it sounds, but it works and Vicky decides to stay. "After this I could sort out World peace" Sophie brags "I could be the Prime Minister! Have we ever had a Prime Minister who just wanted to get drunk and is a bit of a slag?" Like half of them you fucking idiot

The girls go out to build on their fragile truce and Sophie mentions that it's a good thing that Holly isn't here because they can't get with more guys because she had a boyfriend. I don't like this mentioning of Holly. It's like saying Bloody Mary into a mirror three times. They get back home and Charlotte decides to not speak to Gary. Instead of avoiding him, however, she just ignores him whenever he says something. Way to be a fucking child. She then ruins it by sleeping with him againthat night. A DURR DURR DURR MY NAME IS CHARLOTTE PLEASE HOLD THE WINDOW SEAT BECAUSE I NEED THE BEST PLACE TO LICK WHILE THINKING OF THESE GENIUS PLANS

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Being away for a couple of days made me realise how much I missed the people in the house" Holly says on her triumphant return NO FUCK YOU HOLLY YOU BEING AWAY MADE ME REALISE HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE HATES YOU AND JUST GO AWAY. Charlotte's reaction to Holly returning is the same as mine, and Jay basically blanks her when she goes to tell him she comes back. In his defence she wakes him up to tell him, and also she is a fucking hellbeast. "I don't think she should have come back, to be honest" is Greg's assessment. He's right. He says other things about why but we all know why. She is fucking repugnant

"People either love me or hate me. Most people hate me, but if you love me that's great!" Holly says, clearly aware of how much everybody hates her. Their boss calls and says that Vicky Jay Gary and Charlotte are going to take salsa dancing lessons. It would have been a lot funnier if they took Sophie and Holly to salsa eating lessons but we can't have everything, apparently. If you think this is a cheap ploy to try and cause drama then you must have watched this show before. Everyone goes to the beach (at Tynemouth, the beach I used to go to before I started spending my hot summer days watching garbage like this) and the guys agree that Vicky complains a lot and Gary says they should go out pulling since they have no ties to anyone. He seems to be forgetting the worldie barmaid he spent the last episode wooing, but whatever, it's not like lack of continuity has just started now

They all go to dinner and they get a full roast, and of course Charlotte goes on about parsnips non stop because she is not in love with Gary. I said ages ago I didn't want Gary's cock to become a catchphrase and yet here we are. Fuck. Vicky storms off in a huff for absolutely no reason, because that is something new and original for the show. When they get back Greg tries to cheer her up and she just shuts him down completely. What a fucking bitch. Vicky then calls her boss to say she isn't going to salsa and then hangs up. "If you don't appreciate my honesty then you can fuck off, I'm not going" she says. I'm half execting her to have a bottle and be put down for a nap soon

At Salsa (minus Vicky, who is teething or something) and Gary isn't very good at it. "I think it's because he feels under pressure because he's in love with me. He keeps making mistakes and having to sit down to cool off because dancing with me is like being in heaven" Charlotte puts forward as an explanation. Girl you should change your name to Egypt because you got denial running through you

Going out that night and Vicky wants the guys and the girls to go out seperately. "It's just about me wanting to spend time with my girls!" Vicky insists. The guys think it's because she's a huffy bitch. They are both probably right. To mix things up a bit, Greg and Vicky have an argument. James mentions that Vicky thinks she is posh and respectable but she has a horrible mouth on her. He calls her "Geordie trash" and holy shit that would have been a much better name for the show

The guys go out and, surprise surprise, they have a good time together. They always fucking do. It seems its always Vicky being there which sours things. Maybe they could make that connection? Back in the house, the girls are getting ready to leave when SURPRISE Vicky is in a mood and doesn't want to go out. So the girls get her drunk and she goes out anyways. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING THIS WHY AM I EVEN WATCHING THIS SHIT GODDAMN "We're going to paint the town red tonight!" Sophie prophesises, and I hope it's red with the blood of Holly after someone caves her skull in with a blunt instrument

The girls accidently meet the guys in town, but they stay together and it seems like they are all getting along great. Even Vicky cracks a smile or two. The only problem is Gary, who spends his time hitting on women and when Charlotte confronts him he says he can talk to whoever he wants. Suddenly, a shocking turn of events! That is Jay and Vicky fyi. When they get back home Sophie is throwing up because she is a drunken hussy. Charlotte confronts Gary again about the girls he was talking to and goes into way too much detail about what each girl looked like. Because she totally isn't in love with Gary. She then gets into bed with him, again because she isn't in love with him. I fucking hate everyone

Of course, now that Jay and Vicky are back together, they start trying to define their relationship again. Because it wasn't boring enough for the first three episodes. Next morning, Gary is ill and is throwing up everywhere. This isn't a hangover, this is a legit sickness. I hope it's the bubonic plague, but I'll take whatever I can get. Everyone sits around to sort out where Holly sleeps. Again, I hope it's on a pile of used needles in a place where there are no cameras. Jay puts forward that Gary moves into Jay's room and Holly goes into the guys room, which James shuts down. "It's not happening - me Gary and Greg despise her" James explains. Eventually, Charlotte and Gary move into Jay's room, Jay is in the boys room and Holly gets inwith the girls. What a fucking roundabout way to put some needless fucking drama into this show

Everyone but Gary goes out that night, and he isn't happy about it. You think you're unhappy, I have to fucking watch them. Vicky, unhappy about the situation with Jay, decides she wants to get with as many good looking guys as possible. BECAUSE THAT WORKED OUT SO WELL FOR YOU ALL THE OTHER TIMES YOU TRIED THIS. Charlotte ditches everyone so she can look after Gary. Not that she's in love with him or anything. Perish the thought! She gets into bed with him and falls sleep and starts snoring. Gary kicks her out. "I love her but I'm not putting up with that" Gary explains, probably not even aware he says he loves her

Back out, Holly is sulking in a corner because she feels left out. "She's an ambrrassment, nobody wanted to be seen with her" Greg says, probably inspired by Holly's parents favourite saying. She goes home and calls her boyfriend and tells him that she wanked Gary off on the first night. Remember when she should have done this four fucking episodes ago? Well now we get closure! Holly says she doesn't want to hurt him anymore, so he has to finish with her. "Holly, if you want to finish it then finish it. Don't fucking ask your lad to finish with you!" Jay says, nearly as irritated with her as I am. She starts going on about how she wishes she could be better for him but she isn't and he hangs up. She starts crying. SHE'S IN A GLASS BOX OF EMOTION!

Next morning Holly calls her boyfriend again and WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THAT YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH I HATE YOU I GENUINLY HATE YOU WITH EVERY FIBRE OF MY BEING MEDICAL SCIENCE WILL BE ADVANCED IMMEASURABLY BY DISCOVERING ORGANS INSIDE OF ME WHICH EXIST FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF HATING YOU

She begs him to finish her again and as Vicky walks past her as she says this, Holly grins and gives the thumbs up. Vicky is really confused by this. I'm not, since it's nothing more than attention whoring. She feels left out by the group so she builds pointless drama with her boyfriend who she knows will forgive her. It's pathetic. She is pathetic. Everything is shit. "I do not know what is going on in that girl's head" Vicky says. Not fucking much, love

That night, one of Gary's friends is out and Gary gets him to hit on Holly for a joke. Suddenly, Holly's boyfriend and some of her friends come walking in. UH OH, DRAMA! Even though Holly told him to come out that night on the phone but didn't tell anyone else about it so this could have easily been avoided. Holly actually pretends to be surprised that he turns up despite fucking telling him to be there.My caps lock screams in anticipation of the abuse it's going to get

Vicky hooks Charlotte up with someone she knows, and she gets sick of him wanting to kiss all the time. She gets Sophie to go with her, and Gary and Greg tag along to make it seem like she isn't avoiding the dude. Back at the club, Holly comes to the conclusion she has to finish her boyfriend. Yes, after spending every fucking episode so far going on about how much she loves him and how great he is, she decides now - after he's taken her back for cheating - to dump him. There are no words, just loud screams of anguish at her continued existence. With her boyfriend still in the club, she tells Gary's friend to go back to the house with her. She then doesn't dump her boyfriend, and the show ends, as does my will to live

Geordie Shore Episode 4 - A New Geordie

First up, I want to point out that this is probably the worst quality I've ever seen. This happens during the recap. THANKS A LOT, ASSHOLE WHO UPLOADED THIS! I'm going to point out whenever something like this happens because it will probably be more interesting than anything that happens on the show

Oh great, they've turned subtitles on. This will make screencapping so much more pointless. I also could have sworn Holly says "I'm fit, I'm flirty..." and MTV are just fucking with me here. The kind of person who needs subtitles for this show is also the kind of person who would use them for The Wire. I'm not saying you're racist if you need the subtitles on for this show, but you are probably a fucking idiot

Some of the people use a Geordie accent but it's never really incomprehensible. Greg sometimes talks quickly, but that's as bad as it gets. This is just fucking pointless - if you want to have subtitles as an option then that's fine. If the subtitles are for the hard of hearing then that's great. If the subtitles are there because someone is trying to push the North-South divide in a "haha, I can't understand those Northeners! Better turn the subtitles on!" then that is actually disgusting as fuck

Whoever uploaded this episode has, in less than a minute, annoyed me more than anyone in Geordie Shore has in 3 episodes (if you ignore Holly, which everyone else did anyways) and I have no idea who that is worse for - the people of Geordie Shore, the uploader, or me

We start with what will probably be the worst episode for me personally with more Jay and Vicky problems. James explains that Vicky is a flirty person who doesn't even realise what she's doing and how it makes Jay go jealous. Jay is unloading on Gary at the club at how frustrated he is, Gary responds by singing along to the music. Don't worry if you're deaf since the subtitles explain everything

Jay talks to Vicky, and she doesn't even let him finish what he's trying to say and she kicks off. "He says 'I can't deal with it Vicky' Deal with fucking what!?" she says. "There's gonna be fireworks tonight" Greg guesses "I'm staying out the way!" and James says "Jay and Vicky are really loved up!" and then he does this pose and makes a "HMMMM!" noise. I don't know if he'spretending to be an elephant or playing a note on a trumpet, but I don't get how either of these things could mean sarcasm. Also note the mouse pointer next to his name. That isn't my mouse pointer. THANKS A LOT UPLOADER YOU IDIOT FUCKER

Jay gets over Vicky by getting one of the hostesses numbers. Vicky sees this and pretends to not to give a shit, but then Vicky ends up in the toilets talking to her. Vicky then gets upset for some reason since she's said several times she isn't bothered, and she goes home too. Jay goes to talk to her, but Vicky isn't really having it. I tend to get at least six months to a year out of my socks, whereas the Jay/Vicky relationship has been about 5 days. So this burn seems to be more of a statement of the obvious, unless she eats her socks or something?

Anyways, they scream fuck off and go fuck yourself at each other for a bit, then Vicky asks Jay to pay for her taxi. If you've spent the past few minutes screaming fuck off and what have you right in front of the taxi, and then you ask the person you're having a screaming match with to pay for the taxi then...I don'tknow. I really don't know. Just as we start to go back to even more boring Gary and Charlotte drama THIS HAPPENS FUCK YOU and then he turns the fucking subtitles off after 5 minutes WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS JUST TURN THE SUBTITLES OFF, GET THE MOUSE POINTER OFF THE SCREEN AND FUCKING LEAVE IT YOU CUNT

This is the most first world problem to complain about ever. I have MTV in my house so I could have easily watched the show when it aired. But no, I went out of my way, a few weeks after it first showed, to download it and then get annoyed when the person who uploaded it is a fucking mong. It's me, the white male who is a spoilt prick, who is the fucking mong

In less interesting news, Charlotte sees Gary with another girl and decides that she needs to get with someone to prove to everyone she isn't in love with Gary. She didn't consider the fact she is in love with Gary, so I'm betting she doesn't do a very good job. Surprisingly, she does get with someone! "She thinks it ends here, but if I wanted something to happen in a weeks time it wouldn't really be a problem" Gary says. So after all thatin an effort to prove she isn't in love with Gary, it changes nothing. Just like every other fucking thing that happens on this show

Everyone goes back to the house, and Charlotte takes the guy to the guest room. "It doesn't bother me in the slightest" Gary says, and you know what? It's actually believable when he says it. "This is my escape route - I can use this and I'm out for good" he continues. He'salready had sex with her, and now he wants to bail. This was his MO all along, and Charlotte does all the leg work for him. I think he's right, he does know what he's doing. "I didn't even have sex with him!" Charlotte later explains "I do this thing where I get into bed drunk and then I fall asleep!" That is going to end up with her getting raped, I can fucking tell

Jay and Vicky, meanwhile, spend the rest of the night fighting. "She's going on like I'm in the wrong, but she is just as wrong as I am" Jay points out, again being right. He's on a bit of a roll. Now, Vicky. I know a few girls like her. She's all friendly when you are around her, bitchy when you are behind their back, and gets really riled up and argumentative when they are angry. I think maybe that's why I liked Vicky, since she is the only one of the girls who I thought "I honestly know someone like that". Charlotte is a huge fucking mess, although that is too vague to be relatabe - everyone can relate to it, but it means nothing. Sophie basically has no personality apart from her saying she is a slut sometimes and sometimes she isn't. The less said abou Holly the better, because I hate her. Vicky is the only real or genuine woman in the house, and the word genuine doesn't really apply because she is kind of a huge bitch

"We were all in the house, but Holly wasn't there" Sophie says "And we still didn't realise she was gone" Everyone else confirms that they never realised she was gone. This makes me happy. The next morning, Charlotte leaves the guest room and goes back to her bedroom, where she sees the note Holly left. Her reaction to it is really funny, as it comes across like she really wouldn't care about Holly leaving and she seems genuinly surprised at how upset she is. But no, she just feels bad for her. This bit definitely isn't true, though. Charlotte says that Holly was really nice and was too young to know how to get on with everyone else and nobody really gave her a chance. That's a lie. Everyone gave her a chance and everyone hated her. Fuck Holly

Gary tells Jay about Holly leaving "Fuck amn, I didn't even notice!" Jay replies and they both laugh. Honestly, I laughed as well. If that makes me a horrible person I couldn't give a shit. Sophie tells the guys that they felt like they were ignoring her and Greg replies with "ALL SHE TALKS ABOUT ARE HER TITS!" It must really say something when these guys get sick of a woman talking about her tits. "She was like 'Hello *burp* oh that was a good burp! Oh no, my tits are hanging out!'" Gary says, doing the best impression of Holly in human existence

Charlotte is still feeling bad, but Vicky cuts her down "You can't romantisize her now that she's gone. You can't say 'She was nice, she didn't do anything wrong' since that's bullshit and we all know it is" The girls ask "Do you think she'll come back for her stuff?" and then they start picking through her stuff saying they like this piece of clothing and what have you. Cool 180 kickflip, ladies!

We go from boring Holly drama to slightly less boring Jay and Vicky drama! They aren't talking and everyone is feeling the tension. Vicky takes her stuff and moves in with Charlotte and Sophie, reaping the benfits of Holly fucking off. See, everyone wins! Greg corners Vicky and tries to sort something out to relieve the tension. "I'll talk to him about the weather, I'll talk to him about politics (I'd love to hear that conversation) I'll craic on with him about our nights out. But I'm not going to have an emotional breakdown about what happened last night" Vicky insists. Alright thats fine BUT CAN WE JUST MOVE ON NOW!? "Who the fuck does Cilla Black think he is, coming up to me and giving me advice? Dr Greg!? I don't think so, Tricia!" she later says. Stop picking on Greg just because you're stubborn. He just wants them to clean the air and she doesn't seem to thrilled, but says she'll do it soon. More pointless drama for me then. Lovely

"He might be Susie Sensitive but I'm not like that whatsoever" Vicky says, not realising that her over reactions are half of the problem. They talk for a bit, without shouting, and agree to be civil for the sake of the house. I'm betting this lasts until they go out tonight and they start arguing again. Greg and James go out together, with James wanting to prove that he can pull birds and isn't all talk. Greg points out he's only shaged one bird since they got into the house, so James has it all to prove. They forget the football is on, so the place they go to is full of dudes. I'm sure James planned this all along. As they go to leave, Greg stops and chats up one of the bar maids. She has a boyfriend, and James laughs at him as he crashes and burns

Back in the house, Gary is getting ready to call the barmaid whose number he got last night. He's known her for 7 years apparently, and now has finally got her number. As the girls leave, Vicky and Sophie start saying "Charlotte why are you crying!?" "Are you angry Charlotte!?" loudly so Gary can hear for the sole reason of winding her up. I approve. "I don't call women" Gary explains "When it comes to face to face dates, I've done maybe five in my life" But he's doing it for this bar maid. Bless his little cotton socks! He gets a date for tomorrow night, and he admits he was nervous when he was on the phone

The next bar James and Greg go to is somehow even worse for pulling than the first one. "Don't worry Greg, I don't think you'll get rejected in here!" James says mockingly. Back in the house, the girls decide to go on a treble date. Jesus, imagine what sitcoms could do with an idea like that? They call their boss to try and set them up with some people she knows (apparently their boss runs a company called Butlers in Buff? Whatever) "There's nothing like a woman scorned, she's just showing how bitter she is about it" Jay points out. "The women she (their boss knows) will apparently make the lads in the house look like fat middle aged troglodytes" Vicky says smugly. I actually had to look up the word troglodyte to make sure I spelled it correctly. All other typos are due to laziness, however (I did spell it right FYI) The girls then pull this shit to celebrate. Go Team Venture!

Back with the two losers out on the town, and will third time be the charm? The funniest answer would be no, of course, and the show does not dissapoint. "There was a girl there, she looked........decent from the side, we were quite far away though" Greg says. Yes, there was a huge pause in the middle. "She was there with her Mum" Greg says after talking to her for a moment "James! Take one for the team!" To be fair, he goes for it. "She was Scottish, we couldn't understand a word they were saying...Let's go to the bar!" Greg says. This is the first genuinly funny thing that has happened on this show. They go to a shitty fast food place and call it a night. Sweet dreams you princes of men

Vicky and Sophie go off to work in the morning, leaving Charlotte to prove she clearly isn't in love with Gary. They just talk though, and they both take Jay's side in his argument with Vicky. At work, their boss gives Vicky and Sophie a giant green costume and tell them to hand out leaflets. "I thought since it was for some soliciters, I thought it would be something where I end up keeping my dignity" Vicky moans. Dignity is overrated anyways. "Our job today was walk around Sunderland City Center looking like twats" Sophie moans. Sophie ends up asking people on the street "Have you lost the will to live? Take one of these" but later realises it wasn't that funny and was quite rude. Of course, Vicky has to tell her that you can't ask pensioners if they have lost their will to live first. Sophie's response is "Why?" Fuck me

All the guys go to the gym, and Greg joins in more this time. Jay uses this time to slag off the girls. "Imagine waiting for a blind date and they walk in. You'd have to be blind, wouldn't you?" James says. Meanwhile, the girls go off on their blind date. "I've never been on a blind date before"Charlotte says nervously and asks Vicky if she has. "Fuck no, I'm good looking" is her response. Jesus. They get there, the guys are apparently alright (I can't take a screenshot of them because the camera is not on them the entire time they are with the girls) but Sophie complains because the guy she gets stuck with sounds like her dad, Italian accent and all. Charlotte isn't too impressed with hers either, although Vicky seems quite taken with the one she has

We go back to Gary, who meets his barmaid and goes on an actual date with her. She takes the forefront of the conversation, and it doesn't really paint a good picture of Gary. They go to have a few drinks and some kisses, so I guess it works out well for him. The girls take the guys from their blind date and meet Jay James and Greg in a club for a night out, and Jay isn't impressed with them "All three of them are total flops!" he exclaims, but he is friendly with them, as he is with just about everyone to their face. I know a guy like Jay as well. Greg informs Vicky what he thinks of the blind dates, and she acts defensive. Gary turns up with his girl, so now the whole gang is back together. Meanwhile, I like to imagine Holly has got lost in a Tesco Extra and is never heard from again

Charlotte is in no way jealous of Gary's date "He goes on about worldies and what have you, but he walks in with an inbetweener!" I've never watched The Inbetweeners, so someone will have to tell me if that is a compliment or not. "Her hair is auburn, not like orange but like an orangotan auburn!" she exclaims, and even I can pick up the connotations there. Jay finds a girl he met last week sometime (honestly don't remember) and he clings onto her. Sophie is unhappy that everyone has split off, with the guys going after other girls and the girls going after other guys. "It shouldn't be like that, we should be all together having a laugh" she complains. I guess the Year of the Slut is still off

While Gary puts his date in a taxi and says he'll call her later (What a gay!) Charlotte is kissing her blind date. "I must have been really drunk since I only saw him as a friend" she later says, destroying the friend zone barrier forever in the process. Finally... ALSO THANKS YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD UPLOADER, THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME YOU'VE DONE THIS NOW! Charlotte and Sophie are saying how much they just want to hang out with the Geordie Shore guys again, but Vicky tells them the guys don't even like them and can't understand why the girls want to hang with them so much. "I like them, but do you think they give us a second thought when they are pulling?" she asks. This isn't jealousy with Jay FYI although I have no idea how

Everyone goes back home and Charlotte cooks sausages. While she does this she sings "Sizzle, sausages, sizzllllllle" and it repeats. "Charlotte that is the worst song I've ever heard" Vicky says grumpily. Jay takes his girl back to his room, which he shares with nobody now, and Vicky drags her guy to the guest room. Charlotte and Sophie are hanging out with the guys and ask them if they really don't like them, like Vicky says. Greg in particular is put out by this revelation, and when he tells James and Gary later on they aren't too pleased. They call her two faced, and probably rightfully so. Back in Jay's room, hes in bed with the girl but can't stop talking about Vicky. "What a nightmare!" he says later

FIVE TIMES YOU FUCKING PRICK!

The next morning, the girls get a tanning tent and women to help their tans. "I love the fake look!" says Sophie. Urgh. Sadly, this picture is real and later I saw everything. It wasn't great. "I had a bit of a nap, came downstairs and there's Sophie standing naked getting a tan. I didn't know where to look!" Greg says. Sophie catches him looking at her and asks if he is a boob man and or a bum man. "I was a boob man" is his reply. "Until?"Sophie asks. Jay starts laughing and tells him to eat his breakfast

That night everyone goes out. Yes, it does go from morning to night with literally nothing happening in between for the first time. If their day was so boring that even the MTV editors cut it out you really need to wonder at how bad it is. Vicky somehow finds out that people were talking about her behind her back (hey, maybe this could be an interesting thing to do MTV - show us how Vicky found this out) and starts by screaming at Sophie and Charlotte in the club. "The girls were shouting at each other and I thought 'let them sort it out'" James says, the smartest move he's ever done

Greg tries to calm Vicky down, which doesn't go well, and so Sophie tries to do it. Vicky is mad because everyone talks about her behind her back, but everyone talks about her behind her back because she does it to them. All the bitching she's done about everyone else is coming back around to bite her, and so she's getting angry and playing the victim. "Sometimes I think 'What are you doing? Why are you being like this?'" Charlotte says, proving she is aware of everyone elses problems but her own

Back at the house, Charlotte is talking to Gary and James about it, trying to understand why Vicky is doing it, but doesn't realise Vicky has come down the stairs. Vicky then goes back upstairs in a huff. "What the fuck is going on in this house!?" Jay shouts out like he's been possessed by my ghost "It's fucking shit!" Jay then goes to the guest room, where Vicky is hiding out, and he tries his best to sort things out with her

During the night, everyone is asleep. Apart from Gary and Charlotte, of course! If you can't tell, sex happens. The show ends with Vicky going into Jay's room and getting into bed with him. Sex is maybe implied, I don't know. I can probably tell you tomorrow if you reomtely give a shit

Geordie Shore Episode 3 - Revenge of the Geordies

Geordie Shore is nothing but a mirror held up against reality. It has made a mockery of our entire existence. Here is episode 3

We start (without a recap) with Charlotte waking up and having sex with Gary, making all of the games they played with each other in the last episode fucking pointless. Everything they did in the last episode was building to less of a "Will they won't they" situation and more of a "when wil lthey" situation and then they throw it away for free at the start of the third episode after Charlotte shut Gary down completely at the end of the second episode. When an episode ends on a cliffhanger (or the nearest Geordie Shore will get to a cliffhanger) you don't resolve it one minute into the next episode

"That's it. No more, it won't happen again" says Charlotte, for some reason. Nobody believes her, not even herself "I bet by tomorrow I'll be shagging him again" she says immeadiatly afterwards. "I can see where this is going." Jay says "Charlotte will have feelings for Gary. To be honest I don't think he's going to care about it. To Gary, Charlotte is just there if he fancies a fuck, basically" You know, I like this insightful Jay because he's the only person who can see shit for what it is. Jay, get rid of James and be bros with Greg and the two of you go around calling everyone out on their shit

"She's walking like John Wayne today, poor girl" Sophie coos. This doesn't make sense since John Wayne is DEAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT! We cut back to Vicky and Jay who are still trying to figure out where they stand, despite sorting things out last night. Continuity? Who fucking needs it!? Jay decides to arranage a date to sort everything out, Vicky agrees

Gary and Charlotte have been paired together at work today "I love Gary and Charlotte (together) to an extent, but that is a love affair that will end in tears" Vicky points out, going against what she did for the entire last episode where she was trying to stop them from getting together. Nobody means what they say or do, this entire fucking program is an exercise in futility! Fuck! "This is going to be a Shakespearian tragedy, mark my words" Vicky continues. At least she agrees with me on the fact it's going to end with everyone being murdered

"I'm not happy with it - she (Charlotte) is my little sister and I'm not going to let my little sister get her heart broken" says Sophie. I wish Sophie would shut up. She is nearly as annoying as Holly, but the show basically ignores her most of the time so it's not as bad. Gary has to hand out champagne to people as a meet and greet, and Charlotte is there with a clipboard as the bouncer. "I don't think she can even read" Gary points out, perhaps not unfairly. A problem arises when two people on the list are Charlotte's exs parents! Uh oh! Things turn better when they tell Charlotte they miss her "Really!? Do you miss is (me)? I'm the best aren't I?" she screams wildly as people in the queue stare at her like she's an idiot. They aren't wrong

"She doesn't understand life, she doesn't understand anything, life is a big joke to her so being around her make the day go so much quicker" Gary says about Charlotte, which is a really good backhand compliment, with more focus on the backhand. "I think he's in love with is (me) I think he's falling in love with is (me)" Charlotte says. She is the stupidest fucking girl in existence. Move over Holly and Sophie, a new queen is in town

Next up we have the best dialogue in human existence. Gary is a fucking arsehole but he really makes it work. "We can't be boyfriend and girlfriend. Me and Charlotte paying bills or sorting out a mortgage, it just wouldn't happen" Gary then says. "If I get the balance right, make her aware I'm going t obe after other girls, I could have a very good thing going on" he continues, unaware she will murder him in his sleep for trying this

Jay James Greg and Holly are in the garden, and it's brought up that Holly was getting with some other guy last night even though she's obsessed with her boyfriend. Greg's reaction to this sums the entire situation up completely. "She just says one lie after another, and the latest one is her and her boyfriend have a pact" Vicky summarises "I'd be very surprised if her boyfriend is that much of a mug" Lets find out, since Holly's best friend and boyfriend turn up! How convenient!

"Fuck! This has the potential to kick off and cause damage" Jay says. He's a fucking guru, I swear. "I thought it was her gay mate she keeps gannin (going) on about" James says "But no, it was just her boyfriend" James really needs more camera time. "When her boyfriend came through the door, my jaw hit the floor. He was alreet (alright) you know? No major deformities, nothing massively wrong with him to the naked eye" Vicky says "And I'm wondering 'Why the fuck are you with her?'" I love how Holly is the punching bag of everyone in the house.

"I know what she's been up to so it's a bit weird. The Posh and Becks of Middlesborough!?" Greg says. "I don't think he knows what a fool she's making out of him" James comments. "I don't think she wants him here, in case someone tells him what she's really like" Vicky says. I just want them to slag Holly off some more. She is worthless. "I think Holly is taking the piss, always going on about all the guys she's got with and then how much she misses her boyfriend" Jay says. Holly tells him she kissed some guy last night "You told me" he replied. "No I never" is her response. Jesus girl you are a fucking moron

"Fucking hell!" her boyfriend exclaims. "Whaaaat?" is Holly's response. YOU JUST TOLD HIM YOU WERE KISSING OTHER DUDES, DON'T BE CONFUSED WHEN HE GETS ANGRY. She starts going on about being spooning partners with Gary on the first night and her boyfriends reaction tells its own story. He's been here less than a few minutes and he's already sickof her shit. Try two and a bit episodes, mate. "A kiss means fuck all. She's with me" Holly's boyfriend eventually says, proving the two of them should be together forever, hopefully in a gulag. Everyone else leaves them alone and are worried about if anything will happen when Gary gets back. This is actually the first piece of drama, as forced as it feels, that is actually interesting!

Nothing happens when Gary comes back, and although Gary admits it is awkward, he still sits down with them for a bit. "I don't want to be, 'you alright mate?' and then dissappear like I'm hiding" Gary says. I can understand that, but at the same time fuuuuuuuck. Gary stays there for a bit, and when he leaves Holly says "Get over it, man!" Urrrghh she is the fucking worst

We go now to Jay and Vicky's date where they try to sort out where they stand. I'll not tell you what they say, since they basically repeat what they've done for the past episode, but they do agree to carry on the way they are. This makes this entire date fucking pointless AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

It's night now, and everyone is apprehensive because Holly's boyfriend is still here and they are worried that something will start when they go out. Of course, since something starting would be interesting and not utterly pointless I'm taking a guess that nothing is going to fucking happen. Things seem pretty normal at first "Holly's boyfriend has spent most of the night motorboating her breasts" Vicky says. The guys don't seem too thrilled either. "I just wanted to shake his hand and say 'Unlucky mate, but she's yours'" Gary says. Oh Gary, I just can't stay mad at you

Who wants more needless and avoidable Vicky and Jay drama? Nobody? TOO BAD! Vicky tells Jay she won't get with anyone tonight, Jay says he won't either then. This upsets Vicky so she then goes and gets with someone. Jay doesn't know about it, so when Vicky goes back to him and Jay is all over her she feels terrible. I feel terrible too because this whole shit is fucking boring. "We're all a group, but Holly and her boyfriend stick out like a sore thumb. What are they doing with us!?" Greg asks. He makes a fair point since Holly got drunk and was climbing onto tables "She is a health and safety hazard" Vicky says. At least we're back to things I agree on - slagging off Holly. Holly falls back drunk onto a vase and breaks it, the stupid mare

When Vicky moves her aside so she can clean things up, Holly starts screaming and crying like a fucking child. Why? I DON'T KNOW! Everyone else in the show I can see their motivations for doing what they do, except for Holly. She is an enigma, if enigmas had huge fake tits and I hated them. Holly then storms off and leaves "Who gives a fuck? I really don't care anymore" Vicky says, joining the team of calling people out on their shit

"My mission of the house is pretty much to bang Vicky" Jay says almost nonchalantly "Vicky says it takes months for a lad to bang her, but you know what? I could do it in weeks!" This isn't such a great claim when the show is maybe 2 weeks long and half of it is over already. "Jay has to work hard to bang me, and I don't know if he has it in him" Vicky points out, again probably being right. In the guest bedroom Holly is still crying because everyone hates her. Boo fucking hoo

The next day it's Jay's birthday, so the guys wake him up nice and early! "It's going to be a national holiday, everyone will know about Jay's birthday!" Sophie brags. Hold up sweetheart, he's not Nelson fucking Mandela. "I was like 'nice one, but will you let me get back to fucking kip (sleep)!?'" Jay says. I think he's far too nice for his own good really since when Charlotte bombs in later he is friendly to her. "Holly didn't sign the card...neither did Vicky, now that I think about it" Charlotte points out "I just tashed on with him, what more would you want on your birthday?" Vicky says smugly. A card would be nice, love

"When I woke up I felt like shit, like I embarrassed myself" Holly says, the only surprise being that this is the first time she has said this "I don't know what I want, sometimes I want to stay, sometimes I want to go" she continues. I just want her to fall down a hole and get stuck in a hole and then die in the hole. "If Holly left the house that night I wouldn't even know" Jay says, laughing. I laughed too, if only because our mutual hatred of Holly is forming a bond between us. "One minute she wants to stay, the next she wants to go. Nobody is that bipolar apart from Kerry Katona. She is taking the piss" Vicky says. She sure is laying the burns down in this episode

Holly's boyfriend then leaves, and the rest of the girls are in the hot tub. Charlotte has to turn it off so they could say bye, but then he just stands there. "I wanted to turn it back on, but I had to be polite. What was he standing there for!?" Charlotte complains. Eventually she just turns it back on and he leaves

Everyone goes go karting for Jay's birthday. Charlotte is racing Greg and James says to Gary "Your girlfriend is beating Greg" Gary's response? "Aye, she probably will" A second's pause and James says "So she's your girlfriend like?" Gary mutters a "fuck" and then starts laughing. "I didn't even say anything and he ripped the piss out of me. I was fucking gutted!" Gary later bemoans

When they all get back to the house, some of Jay's family and friends come over to celebrate his birthday. Vicky is nowhere to be seen though "I think it's because we were telling her to come meet her mother-in-law" James says. Everyone just makes fun of each other constantly, it's actually pretty funny if it wasn't so boring. "Vicky eventually met my Mother, but I don't really remember it since I was fucking wrecked by that stage" Jay says

They all go to Marco Polo's for a meal "I kind of maintaned a sembelance of harmony that night" says Vicky. Huh? The fuck do you even mean!? "I felt like I got a girlfriend role...it was quite nice" Why didn't you just say that!? "Jay and Vicky would probably update their Facebook to In a Relationship, that's how serious they are" Charlotte says. The internet has ruined everything forever. "I am not falling for Gary, so people need to stop talking to me about it or else I'll smash someone's face in, probably Gary's" Charlotte says later, being the only person who clearly can't see what's happening here

They all go to Powerhouse, and Jay goes into the toilets with a blonde girl. Vicky starts going ballistic and all the girls charge into the toilets to confront them. A bouncer is in there too though so they don't do anything. It ends up they didn't go to the same toilet - she went to the ladies and he went into guys. Literally nothing happened. This would be interesting if Vicky didn't know this, but she does so nothing at all changed. When Jay finds out though he's furious and having a shouting match with Vicky of her lack of trust in regards to him. "That's not on like, we're just here to shag and have fun, not this" Greg points out

When they get home, I hope you are all looking forward to Jay and Vicky still being unable to define their relationship! Because that's all there is for the next few minutes. Editing could have chopped this down because it's boring as fuck and absolutely nothing happens that hasn't happened two or three times before.

The next morning, Charlotte Sophie and Vicky are in the guest room peeling potatoes. The fact this is the "shag pad" and they are peeling potatoes in there isn't lost on them, and they all laugh. Vicky makes fun of Charlotte for having her eyelashes in still "You just want to look good for Gary!" she points out, laughing. "I don't even like Gary that much, I don't know why everyone keeps pointing it out" Charlotte complains. She then gets the idea that if she brings someone back to the guest room then that will prove she has no feelings for Gary. Huh? How does that work?

"Nobody is being intentionally nasty, nobody isn't saying anything bad about me, it's just the little things" Holly says as her pity party continues onwards. "I think she thinks she is a bit left out, but I don't think she thinks its because everyone hates her. Which is the real reason why she's left out" Charlotte says. Nobody likes her. She is a fucking mess. I hope she leaves and never comes back

Later that night, everyone is out and Charlotte is upset "There weren't many nice guys out, and I needed to prove I was a better player than Gary" she moans. Gary meanwhile has been hitting on the barmaid at the club for weeks now, and she's finally single! He gets her number as well! "I've never been so excited to go out on a date, Greg style!" he squeals happily. "I'm a barmaid too!" Charlotte says, not at all jealous "I bet I'm a better barmaid too"

"I wanted to give it one more night to prove that the group weren't leaving me out, but it's blatently obvious that they are!" Holly moans. LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK! She actually does leave, and most people don't notice and the few who do don't give a shit. Holly goes home, packs her stuff and leaves. The world suddenly got a bit better. Colours became brighter, food tastes a bit better. "The way things are I can't see myself coming back" she says before she leaves. "Good fucking riddance" everyone alive replies. EPISODE 4 IS GOING TO BE GREAT SINCE HOLLY IS GONE!

Geordie Shore episode 2 - Attack of the Geordies

Continuing the Geordie Shore saga, episode 2 starts with a recap. If you really want a recap, go here instead

We start with Sophie bringing a guy back to the house. "I think the year of the slut has actually begun (began)" she says. Sex happens and her idea of dirty talk is FUCKING WEIRD. We go back to Charlotte and Gary who spent the night in bed. "I have a secret weapon which drives the girls wild" Gary brags "It's me massive cock" Modesty isn't exactly his strong point, although I'd hate to find out what is. "It's like a parsnip!" Charlotte claims. "Of course, it's the kind of parsnip that would win best at the show for being the biggest and the best" Gary replies. Obviously flirting isn't his strongest point either

Vicky and Holly go into the room they are in "We aren't shagging!" Charlotte claims. I've heard that line before, except this is the first time it's a lie. "Can I see your cock?" asks Holly. He shows her, she screams and some slap bass starts playing and I wished I was watching Seinfeld. "I've seen a lot of cocks in my life and I've never seen one like that" Holly says, making a backhanded compliment except she compliments Gary and backhands herself

Jay wakes up early because him and James have to go to work. "I didn't even look at the clock - just up, shoes on, out I go" Jesus dude, shower first. Grody. James set the alarm, but he sleeps in and Jay has to wake him. Honestly, if these two focus on their oddball bromance this show would be great. Their boss calls and chews them out for being late - Jay gets the worst of it even though it was James' fault. "Don'ttell Jay, but I did set the alarm but I was so pissed I forgot to turn it on" he tells Greg. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SET AN ALARM CLOCK BUT NOT HAVE IT TURNED ON ARE YOU RETARDED WHAT

Jay tells James, who is still getting ready, not to bother since their boss doesn't want them to go into work today, so they go back to bed. THAT'S HOW WE ROLL IN THE GEORDIE SHORE BABY! "It was my fault for not setting the alarm, I don't want Jay to get in trouble" James says. Who says chivalry is dead? Me, since he follows up with "Saying that, he could have set the alarm as well"

Welp, it's been two minutes since we talked about Gary's cock so let's go back down this rabbit hole! "I think he punctured my lung" Charlotte whines. Fuck off, love. Everyone else gathers around the table to talk about Gary and Charlotte "You think he banged her?" asks James "I couldn't lie in bed with a bird and not bang her" Seriously bro, that's a bit sexually aggressive and if this ruins your bromance with Jay I will flip the fuck out.

"I asked her if she had and she's like an open book, and she says no" says Vicky "But I've seen his willy and it's massive!" I swear to God if they use Gary's cock as a catchphrase I will not be happy. Vicky then says "I haven't seen it, I don't want to see it, if he gets it out in front of me I'd be mortified" which goes against what she just saidc literally seconds ago. She is an untrustworthy narrator, so assume anything else she says to be a lie

Thankfully, we go back to Holly's relationship problems. She thinks being in he Geordie Shore house puts a huge strain on their relationship. She says this after sucking Gary off on the first night and then spending the second night crying because she misses her boyfriend. The real strain is on me, who has to watch her bitch and moan like a fucking moron. "Some of the things I've done and some of the things I've said...I'm not particularly proud of it" she says. This is the first thing me and Holly have agreed on

We then listen in to Holly's phonecall with her boyfriend, and she sounds like a real person on it. I know I built her up as some golem with huge tits, but she seems like a parody of what you'd expect her to be any other time. When she talks to her boyfriend she seems...I don'tknow. Less grotesque, I guess. "My boyfriend said I could kiss other guys, but on the first night I ended up inbed with Gary and I don't remember it and I wish I could so I could be open about it" Holly whines. See what I mean?

Jay then asks her if since she can do what she likes, whether her boyfriend can as well. She umms and uhhs for a moment and says "I dunno". If the big twist here is Jay then goes out and shags Holly's boyfriend just to spite her then I promise you I will stop watching TV forever. Perfection will have been achieved and nothing could compare to it. Jay points out that she can suck Gary's cock, which she gets offended at "If I've done it, I'm a prick, but if I didn't then I'm still a prick for getting into bed with him. I'm an idiot" Holly says. Two things we agree on!

Everyone goes bowling, and the first bombshell is dropped. "It's a bit strange with me and Vicky. She's not my cup of tea, I like her as a friend" Greg says. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ALL OF MY FANFICTION, RUINED! "I hope Jay doesn't get jealous, because me and Greg are just mates" Vicky says, and all of my hopes and dreams for the future are ruined. Welp, at least I have Jay and James to fall back on

Jay and Vicky flirt a bit, and she calls him "a real gentleman" Jesus lady. "All I'm saying is, don't have sex with someone when I'm in the bed next to me. Am I clear?" Vicky says to him. "Am I clear!?" Jay responds "Yes mam (mum)!" and they both laugh. "She is good looking, but that doesn't mean anything is going to happen" Jay says about Vicky. Stop treating my geordie princess badly Jay!

They all get back and there's a note on the table from their boss. She went over today to check up on people, but everyone was bowling so she wasn't happy. Women, am I right fellas!? "Shit!" proclaims James, who is already in enough trouble with her. We then get a montage of Jay and James sitting around feeling sorry for themselves because they don't clean up after them or get to work on time and their boss is unhappy with them. How much do you bet they make up for things by the end of the episode to make their boss happy?

Jay and James are feeling down, so Greg cheers them up by calling all the women he got numbers from last night and gets them around the house. "I'm the oldest one here so I'm gonna teach them get their numbers, take them out, wine and dine them, shag them and get rid of them" Greg says, making me feel so much better that he isn't interested in Vicky anymore. James and Gary are amazed at things Greg is saying "I usually get birds on a night out, take them back and then get rid of them!" James says, amazed. "My game is more you're in, you're out, it's done. To wine and dine them would need to be a well fit person" says Gary "I don't need to wine and dine Charlotte - she's already done" he then says. Can you guys smell friction in the near future!?

"Am I going to spend all my money on food?" James asks "Nar (no) I want to go out, get them pissed and then bang them!" People need to eat food to live, you fucking dumbass. "I think Vicky will be kicking off" Jay says, showing some foresight "And I think Charlotte will be kicking off with Gary" "THEY CANNOT FIND OUT!" Gary reiterates. "I don't full on fancy Charlotte, so I'm going all out tonight" Gary then says. Dude is like school in summer, yo

All the girls are in a bedroom, and one of them asks Chalotte about Gary. "There is no me and Gary" she says "Sometimes I give his bellend a kiss and that's it" You know what, they both deserve each other. "I'm worried about Vicky - I think she's keener on Jay then he is on her" Charlotte then says. It's like she is a scholar of the fucking obvious

The girls are in the garden having a few drinks "They are going to be smashed by the time the girls arrive!" Gary points out, not incorectly. "We should wind them up! Pretend we're cooking for them, they'll be buzzing and then four girls come in through the door!" Jay puts forward, without realising this goes against their agreed "THE GIRLS CANNOT FIND OUT!" policy

"What are we going to say about the candles?" asks James "Say it's a lads night" says Gary, and everyone laughs at him. Because that's gay. It would be really funny to just put a gay guy in there, just to see their reaction. Ah well. They all go downstairs, and the girls start chanting "Get yer cock out for the lasses!" They then go back to their rooms for some unknown reason and just in time!

You can't see it well in this picture, but Vicky is crying and Charlotte nearly is as well. The guys plan of not letting the girls find out lasted about 10 seconds after the other women entered the house. Solid Snake they are not. "We were pissed off but we didn't want the lads to know, so we stayed in our room all night" Sophie explains, the worst master plan since Hitler's. If it makes the girls a bit less upset, the four Greg brought over for the boys are far more annoying then the ones upstairs in their room

"I like my steak rare, but it's not dead yet" one of the girls says about the food AND THAT'S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF A RARE STEAK WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT!? Greg takes one of the girls away for...well, take a guess. Gary and James are fuming that Greg got to the guest room first with a girl - they can't really take a girl back to the bedrooms with the Geordie Shore girls there. OR CAN THEY!?

No, they can't. Jay takes a girl to the hot tub "I ended up with Jade" he explains "Who is a total airhead" Jade then falls into the hot tub and Jay laughs at her. They then go to the guest room, and the girl Greg is in the middle of banging says Jade has a boyfriend. WHY DIDN'T JADE MENTION THAT!? "That's not good" Jay rightfully says. So they all go play twister instead. Fucking seriously. "Jay's bird has a lad, mines boring as fuck" James complains "Banging is off the cards for us" Quick note - Jay and James haven't had sex in the Geordie Shore yet. Greg finally did it on the 4th day, and so far Gary has had someone every single day. Can he make it 4 out of 4!?

Jay and James then leave the women and go in with the girls "They come in and say they wanted some banter with our housemates" Vicky says. I wonder if she can see what they are doing? "That's canny (pretty) nice of them, you know?" she follows up with. Man, I like you Vicky but you are dense as fuck. "I wish I had cooked the meal for them (The Geordie Shore girls) since the ones Greg got are nightmares" Jay says, with maybe a tint of remorse

One of the girls comes into the room "Hello" she says "Here, fuck off or else I'l smash your fucking face in!" Sophie replies. JESUS CHRIST! "There's no need to be so rude" the girl responds, and I think she's right about that. Anyways, Gary is macking it with the non blonde girl in the garden. "If I think of Gary with another girl I might be sick in my mouth" Charlotte says, going against what she said before. Better get a sick bag, love. The girls then leave "Bye Greg" they say. "Oh yeah, I said I liked her and I'll call her tomorrow, but I'll never speak to her again" Greg says, very pleased with himself

Next morning the boss calls, saying she is coming over to finally speak with Jay and James. Sophie then rallies everyone together to clean the place up. She says the girls are angry with the guys, but they must stick together. The maturity is quite startling. They all clean up, except the guest house because Greg forgot about the mess he left it in. Way to go, Greg. The boss then sits down with Jay and James, and Jay looks like he's getting ready to rip her in half. She gives them another chance, of course, and they both say they'll make it up to her. Everyone is happy with this, and they all go out to celebrate

Sophie is happy because all of her friends are there "She kept saying all her mates were stunning" Gary explains "I didn't believe her, but then at the club fifteen birds come up, all stunning, and they are all Sophie's mates" Charlotte, however, sits there with a face like a smacked arse. "I told Gary if he brings a girl home I'm going to punch him in the face" she says. What happened to her not giving a shit about him? Honesty love, you should try it sometime. Sophie, not really too thrilled that all the Geordie Shore guys are over her mates, ends up pulling one of Jame's mates. I think I might need a spreadsheet to keep all this in check

"We had our own section in the club to chill out VIP style" says Vicky "There was nothing VIP about it, it was a cattle market. So I pushed past this girl on the way out, and I wasn't gonna have this fat ugly bird the size of a Ford Focus push me around" Of course it leads to a fight. Unsurprisingly, the girls piled in to help Vicky, but surprisingly, none of the guys do. Why not? They are all leaving with Sophie's friends! "If I see a worldy, a good looking girl, I'm not gonna not go over to her because of Charlotte" Gary says, perhaps stupidly

The guys (minus Greg) and Sophie pile into one bedroom with the people they brought back, and they all have sex in the same room. Not together in a orgy, of course. They all take a bed and they all stay in their beds with their respected partner. "It's like a porn movie in there" Sophie says "And I gave him the best night of his life. He'll remember my name forever" I don't think modesty is in much demand in here

If I could be bothered to make a .gif, I'd do one of Charlotte stumbling down the street drunk. It is hilarious. Greg eventually has to carry Charlotte. "If Gary brings a girl home and Charlotte is in the wrong mood, it's going to get mental" Vicky points out. I think anyways, she might have said menthoyl. I'm really not sure

"I get back and Gary is in the bedroom with another girl and I don't care but it makes me feel like a right mug!" Charlotte whines when they get back. "You know what he's like from the start, you've seen it" Greg points out, because he is the only person in this house who understands this basic concept. Greg tells Charlotte to calm down, Charlotte tells Greg to fuck off, and they start arguing. "Am I slurring my words!? Am I really drunk!?" Charlotte screams. "Yes" Greg keeps replying. "NO I'M FUCKING NOT!" she then screams back at him. She is saying this to the person who just had to fucking carry her home because she was too drunk to stand "She is fucking mental" Greg summarises

"Next thing, I'm in my bedroom and Charlotte comes flying through the door" Jay says "She kicks off with me, saying that I can't, in my own fucking bedroom, and I'm in there with a bird" What she says he can't do in his own bedroom is never really said, but as always the sex is implied. Charlotte does this to stick up for Vicky, who is still sharing a room with Jay. "I wouldn't want a dirty little tramp in my room, and I'm not letting Vicky put up with it either" Charlotte says. This girl is going to end up murdering everyone, I can tell

Charlotte then says that Vicky shares a room with Jay, and the girl he's with walks out. Jay kicks off. "I'm pissed, I'm angry at Gary, and I think Psycho Charlotte is creeping its way out now" Charlotte says, about herself. ELSEWHERE Gary has sex with a woman and Charlotte doesn't do shit

"I woke up, and shit. There's gonna be an atmosphere. I was a bitch last night and everyone's gonna hate is (me)" says Charlotte the next morning. No, you just insulted gentle Greg, who has never hurt a soul in his life, cockblocked Jay, who looks like he is seconds away from being the geordie Chris Benoit, and probably upset Vicky, the person everyone likes. Before she can apologise, the doorbell rings. Who is it? It's Sophie's parents! "Howay man! This is the worst time! I'm hungover, and there's a lad upstairs I was banging twenty minutes ago" she complains. Truly a first world problem for the ages

"Not the best first impression for Sophie's parents" James points out "It's made worse that all the birds we came back with were Sophie's friends, so they all knew her parents" Sophie's dad owns a resturant, so they brought loads of food with them. "I think I fancy Sophie's dad" Charlotte says, probably the worst rebound from Gary in existence. "Sophie was saying things like 'This is Charlotte, she's my poo partner'" Greg says, in utter shock "Who says that to their parents!? If mine were here, I'd say I spent my time reading books!"

When Sophie tells her parents that Gary had a threesome on his first night, Sophie's dad gives him a high five. I think even though he has a soul patch I might forgive him. "I can't believe how cool my dad was about sex" Sophie says "Sex is a swear word to my dad" THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM ABOUT SEX JESUS LADY YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT "I feel a bit guilty, so the Year of the Slut is on pause" Sophie continues. Can we get her parents to move in and be there all the time?

Now we go back to Holly's boyfriend troubles! She calls him up and decides to tell him about what happened with Gary, three days and two phonecalls after it happened. She lies though and doesn't mention the fact it was with someone else in the house, and her boyfriend gets really angry. What happened to the agreement!? Was all of that a lie!? Why does nobody tell the fucking truth in this house!? "What makes our relationship work is that he understands I'm 18 and want to have fun, but I want to be with him too. So he lets me have my cake and eat it too" Holly explains. It seems to me like she's walking all over him. Also, that saying is terrible - nobody says they have two cakes, one for eating and one for just having. It doesn't even make sense!

Holly then tells everyone she told her boyfriend about...man, I don't even remember what she did with Gary now. This is so boring I've forgot things they've just told me. "She comes in, wanting this big Jeremy Kyle moment" Vicky says dismissively "She wants all the drama, she wants all the hype, she wants all the attention her". I'm glad everyone else is as sick of her shit as I am.

What's funny is that as she's talking, Gary just shows a complete lack of respect to her. It's great. She makes a big deal about not remembering, but then lets slip she remembers everything and everyone laughs at her. "She'smaking her boyfriend look like a mug, and she's making herself look stupid, to be honest" Jay says, taking over Greg's role as the voice of reason

That night when everyone is eating, Gary suggests that they don't go out tonight to pull, but just go out together to have a good time. "He's just saying that to try and make it up to Charlotte" Greg says, calling him out on that shit instantly "Him and Jay will be sorted, not me and James" Greg spoke too soon though, as Jay's initial reaction is a loud "Fuck off Gary!" "The idea is, we all go out, but nobody brings anyone back. Charlotte's there, the guest room is there, obviously I'll shag her" Gary explains, the third worst master plan in existence after spending the last two nights pissing her off

They all decide to do that in the end, although SURPRISE SURPRISE Holly feels left out. "Everyone has someone, and when I go over I feel like I'm cockblocking" she explains "So I thought, right, let's go out and have a dance with somebody" He ends up kissing her "and I...would you say, retaliate?" Holly asks. No, retaliate would be if you hit him for trying it on with you when you have a boyfriend. What you did would be reciprocating "Snogging a guy made me feel like part of the group" she says. I'm sure your boyfriend will love that rationalisation you dumb fucking idiot

Vicky gets sick of Gary taking advantage of Charlotte's emotions by letting her hang on, so she tells Charlotte about this guy she knows at the club. Gary gets jealous when he finds out, although I really wonder why when she looks like a fucking tree. Although she says she really likes Vicky's friend, she ignores him and goes back to Gary. Vicky describes him as a venus fly trap, with matching hand motions. Either that, or she's imagining me coming into her life and she never wants to let me go

Jay says he's gonna get nothing from Vicky tonight, so he gets with this other girl. Vicky is not best pleased. So she gets with some other guy, and the two end up outside arguing. "You were necking on with a lad!" Jay says angrily "You did it first!" Vicky replies. I'm sure she means he kissed someone else first, not that he specifically kissed a dude first. Although it would make a lot of sense since Jay is clearly closeted as fuck. "It's all the shit of a relationship without any of the perks" Jay says, again showing some foresight

Back at the house, they are still arguing. Jay tries to patch things up and it seems to work. "Just because he's got with a few other birds and I'm not his world doesn't mean I'm gonna dig my heels in like a stubborn mule" she explains. Meanwhile, Gary finally gets Charlotte alone in the guest bedroom and quickly leaves to get a few drinks. By the time he gets back she is asleep. Instead of just straight up raping her like I thought he would, he instead just goes to sleep. Congrats for reaching the lowest of expectations, broheim. The show ends with Jay and Vicky kissing. Everyone is happy again! How long will it last? Hopefully not very long because it's fucking boring when they are all getting along

Celebrity Big Brother 2011 - roster round up, rumours, and retards

Celebrity Big Brother has started again, and it once again is the perfect excuse as to why nobody will talk to me over the next few months. Channel 4 stopped it due to poor ratings and loads of controversy, mostly about racism if I recall. Something that starts out well but falls apart due to unpopularity and racism? Sounds like a British institution if I've ever seenone!

As is tradition, I'm doing a round up of the 10 and a half "celebrities" who have entered the Big Brother House. Why bother doing this if I'm not going to watch it? Fuck you, that's why

KERRY KATONA

Kerry Katona is best known as a media personality, and since bursting onto the scene as part of girl band Atomic Kitten, she has gone onto present, write and be a regular feature in the nation’s media.

After an uneasy childhood in care she found fame with the band, who secured four Top 20 singles in Britain and had huge success in Asia, securing a number one hit with Cradle.

Katona married ex-Westlife band member, Brian McFadden, and they went on to have two children. After leaving the band, she made the successful transition into a television career, starring in several of her own reality shows including, My Fair Kerry, Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love, Kerry Katona: Whole Again, and Kerry Katona: What's the Problem? which focused on her struggle with bi-polar disorder.

After the collapse of her first marriage, Katona had two more children with now ex-husband Mark Croft before their turbulent relationship finally ended in 2010. Since their split, Kerry has gone onto rebuild her personal life and professional career.

Kerry Katona is the first one in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Over 10 years ago she was in Atomic Kitten (a pop group) but was replaced with a more attractive woman (Jenny Frost) and the band had more success without Kerry.

She was also married to one of the idiots from Westlife, who eventually replaced her with a more attractive woman (Delta Goodrem) who also had more success in the music business than Kerry after leaving Neighbours

Delta Goodrem was, of course, following in the footsteps of a more attractive woman (Holly Valance) who also left Neighbours to start a pop career. She had one popular song and that's it, but she's doing movies now.

This is a far cry from an earlier attractive woman who left Neighbours to do a pop career (Kylie Minogue) whose claim to fame is like 2 songs and having a nice arse over 10 years ago. Kylie is basically nonexistant except she turns up to Jool's Hollands Hootenany every New Year and sings badly and irritates me

Wait, what was I on about again? Oh yeah, Kerry Katona. She is a coked out mong who has made an entire career out of being a dsgusting human being. A perfect start for the Big Brother house!

TARA REID

Born in Wyckoff, New Jersey, Tara Reid began acting at a young age and went on to become a regular face on US game show Child's Play.

During her teenage years, Tara made guest appearances on some of America's best-loved shows, including Saved By The Bell: The New Class, Days of our Lives and All My Children.

In 1997, Tara moved to the bright lights of Hollywood to focus on her film career, the next year winning a breakout role in the Cohen Brothers' cult classic The Big Lebowski.

Tara followed up her success with supporting roles in box-office hits Cruel Intentions and Urban Legend, before hitting the jackpot with a role as virginal Vicky in American Pie and, three years later, American Pie 2. In 2012, Tara will return to the big screen in comedy sequel American Pie 4: American Reunion.

I used to like Tara Reid, about 10 years ago. She used to be pretty, I guess, but it was that voice which I liked. Alright, so I was around 14 at the time and the only thing competing with Tara Reid in my love stakes were Pokemon, so you all need to give me a break

In her "breakout role" in The Big Lebowski she was in 3 scenes and had maybe 6 lines of dialogue, all of them in her first scene. Also, I cannot for the life of me remember watching the first American Pie movie. I vaguely remember watching the second movie at some time, and I remember going to the movie theatre to see the third one (THANKS WHATEVER ASSHOLE TALKED ME INTO DOING THAT) but I can't remember ever watching the first one. The second and third movie were shit though, as are all the "spinoffs" of the American Pie series which all star Eugene Lvy for some reason. I imagine the first movie will be shit as well, and so will the fourth one they are making too

Now, none of this is Tara Reid's fault. I remember she was in Van Wilder with Ryan Reynolds, before he realised he could be superheroes alongside Chris Evans for the rest of his life, and I liked that movie...around ten years ago. WAIT A MINUTE! The only other movie I remember her being in was Alone In The Dark, which has the dreaded "directed by Uwe Boll" tagline

So, a once sorta famous party girl and movie star? It ends up she is the proto Lindsey Lohan, except Lohan has bested her in that respect since she has did more than Miss Reid with far less talent. What a world we live in!

PADDY DOHERTY

Born again Christian, Paddy Doherty, rose to fame when he appeared on the documentary My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

Born into generations of travellers, Doherty lives closely by the traditions of his community. The former bare-knuckle fighter never attended school and instead, began working for the family business at the tender age of 12.

He says that he rarely ‘mixes with townsfolk’ and lives in a caravan park in Manchester. He is a family man and adores his wife of 25 years. They have 5 children and 15 grandchildren.

I have no fucking clue who this is. See, a major problem you get when rounding up these "celebrities" is that sometimes you don't get what you want. For months there was talk about getting Charlie Sheen into the Celebrity Big Brother house. Now, this is the man who was being paid around two and a half million dollars PER EPISODE of Two and a Half Men. That show was 20 minutes long. Imagine how much money it would cost them to have him n the Big Brother house for over two months? Jesus

So, he get people like Paddy Doherty, a man who was in a different reality TV show on another reality TV show. How meta. He was in a reality TV show I never watched, so his entire claim to fame in my eyes is that picture with Danny Dyer. Being photographed with Danny Dyer is enough to convinceme he's a celebrity though - I'm not sure why this is, but do not doubt the powers of Danny Dyer

AMY CHILDS

Flame-haired glamour girl Amy Childs rose to fame in 2010, when she emerged as the breakout star of BAFTA award-winning reality show The Only Way is Essex (TOWIE).

A beautician by trade, her business, Amy’s Salon, is famed for the unusual and now popular beauty treatment ‘vajazzling’.

Now in demand, Amy presents a regular beauty segment on ITV daytime’s This Morning and says that in five years time she would love to have her own TV show and beauty schools.

Another person from a TV show I haven't watched. Great. She does have a claim to fame though, by introducing the word "vajazzle" into our accepted lexicon. This is not a particularly good claim to fame

First up, if she is in the Celebrity Bg Brother house then it's fair to say she isn't exactly "in demand". Also, it's adorable she thinks in five years time that people would want to watch her own TV show. It's kind of adorable that anyone will even remember who she is in five years time, but at least she is aiming for the stars. You reach, Amy Childs, and maybe one day you can be an astronaught like you always dreamed of being!

DARRYN LYONS

Media personality, Darryn Lyons’ career has seen him turn from a photographer at a local paper to a war correspondent, award-winning photographer, television personality and chairman of a lucrative business empire.

Famed for his paparazzo and celebrity guru status, Australian-born Lyons was given the title Mr Paparazzi for his celebrity scoops including exclusive photographs of Princess Diana and Dodi Al-Fayad, Rudolf Nuruyev and David Beckham and Rebecca Loos.

Lyons’ work in journalism saw him providing coverage from the Bosnian war where he was subsequently kidnapped.

He has appeared on various television shows, including the Australian version of Dragons’ Den and Paparazzi, which followed the workings of his company, Big Pictures, the world’s largest photo agency.

Lyons says: ‘I’ve had ups and downs. I did the works: sex, drugs and rock’n’roll. Then I woke up one day and said: “I’m over this” pulling myself out of that is one of my proudest moments.’

What a fucking twat. A war correspondant? Really? I means, mad respect to the editor who sent him to the warzone, although a lot can be said about modern day soldiers if all of them failed to kill this asshole. Anyone who is a "celebrity guru" is clearly out of their depth in Big Brother, or in any other real life situation. Fuck, I'm sick of talking about him

SALLY BERCOW

Sally is best known as the outspoken wife of John Bercow, Speaker of the House of Commons, and says she is flattered by references to her being the Carla Bruni of British politics.

Born Sally Illman, Bercow attended Marlborough College, the alma matar of Samantha Cameron, and went on to attend Keble College, Oxford. Having dropped out after only two years, Sally sparked minor controversy in 2009 when it was revealed that she had been sacked from a city PR firm for trying to conceal this on her CV.

Sally also caused a stir earlier this year, when she posed for a newspaper interview wearing only a bed sheet.

I think "Wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons" must be when scraping the bottom of the barrel for celebrities stopped, after discovering a larger, even more bottomless barrel underneath the first one

I'd also like to point out that Carla Bruni was a relatively well known musician before she married the annoying French midget Sarcozy.nI also remember reading she had a small role in a movie, and she couldn't get her walk in right and it really annoyed everyone. Did I dream that? Why would I have such a boring dream?

Regardless, my point here is "Who the fuck is Sally Bercow and why the fuck does she think she is a celebrity?"

LUCIEN LAVISCOUNT

Lucien Laviscount began his acting career on the Disney channel sketch show Life Bites, before moving onto long-running teen-drama Grange Hill.

The Lancashire born 19 year old has since appeared on our television screens playing characters including Ben Richardson - the Christian love interest of Sophie Webster - in Coronation Street.

His most recent role as Jonah Kirby in BBC drama, Waterloo Road, has seen him become a favourite on the pages of most celebrity magazines.

As well as acting, former model Laviscount appeared in the campaign for David Beckham’s clothing range DB 07.

What is there to say about this guy? He's good looking, sure. That's about it. I bet he's the most boring person on the show, because he has the most to lose. Although he hasn't exactly set the world on fire with his acting roles, he could jeopadise it all by doing anything interesting on Big Brother, so expect him to do nothing and then get kicked off early

But seriously, where are all these Z list people hiding? Is there a club I'm unaware of where they all hang out? Jesus

PAMELA BACH-HASSELHOFF

Actress and producer Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff was propelled to fame after securing her first acting job in hit series Baywatch, where she met her former husband David. Her 16-year marriage to her co-star ended in divorce and in recent years has dominated the headlines.

After a successful decade on Baywatch, Pamela hung up her red swimsuit and went on to enjoy numerous film roles, including Francis Ford Coppola’s cult classic, Rumblefish, opposite Matt Dillon and Mickey Rourke. Pamela's other big-screen credits include Castle Rock, Appointment with Fear and Missing.

Today, Pamela runs her own production company and produces shows in the US.

Imagine how much of a coup it would be if they got The Hoff into the show. You think of overinflated celebrity ego, you think of The Hoff. I mean, this is the guy believes one of his songs influenced the German people to knock down the Berlin Wall. He honestly believes that the German people never thought about the idea of destroying the Berlin Wall until he sang a song.

But no, we got his ex wife. I guess if you can't get the man, then get his angry ex wife and get her to slag him off constantly. If he can't embarrass himself on live television, then why not get someone to tell stories about him embarrassing himself? His reaction: Couldn't give a fuck, is still The Hoff

BOBBY SABEL

High-flying model Bobby Sabel has fronted some of the biggest campaigns in fashion.

His glamorous career has seen him grace numerous catwalks in the fashion capitals of the world including Milan, New York and Paris.

Originally from London, Sabel has appeared in campaigns for Levi and Swatch, and has been photographed by some of the world’s best photographers including Rankin.

He is also successful closer to home, modelling for high street brands Superdry, Ted Baker, Next and House of Fraser, to name a few.

Sabel says he would rather be adored by all women than be tied down to a girlfriend.

ANOTHER MODEL!? Are we really running low on celebrities willing to degrade themselves for another 15 minutes of fame? Aside from being good looking and being vaguely familiar, what can he possibly bring to the table?

JEDWARD

Irish pop duo John and Edward Grimes have a unique style and passion for pop.

Growing up, the twins were inspired by Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys. At school, they took part talent shows but were also gifted athletes.

Widely recognised for their blonde quiffs, they first shot to fame as ‘John & Edward’ in 2009 when they bounced onto the nation’s screens during The X Factor.

The nation quickly took the effervescent duo to their hearts and Jedward was born! Jedward released their debut single Under Pressure (Ice Ice Baby) and first performed the song as a surprise live duet with US rapper Vanilla Ice at the 2010 National Television Awards. The song became a No.2 hit in the UK singles chart and No.1 in Ireland. The single was swiftly followed by Jedward’s platinum selling debut album Planet Jedward.

In 2011, Jedward won the honour of representing Ireland in the Eurovision Song Contest, where they finished in a respectable eighth place. Since they first burst onto the scene, Jedward have become popular TV personalities appearing in countless television shows.

Let me get this out of the way now - Jedward are incredible. They fully deserve to accomplish all of their goals, dreams, ambitions. Everything they do is magical in every possible way. They are a whimsical dream made reality, here to brighten our day with sunshine and happiness

I'm not even kidding. I like Jedward. I shouldn't, and I'm totally aware that I shouldn't. I just can't help it. It goes against the human condition. I literally cannot hate Jedward

I've also heard that the day the world runs out of happiness and joy, Jedward will fuse together back into their original form of a unicorn, decree that we do not deserve them, and they will leave our planet to go to the next one where they will try again